New boyfriend vacation

[chicagobtm]

So, I've been dating this great guy for a few months and we are getting along so well. We both love travel and a couple of times I've brought up a long weekend in Mexico in January or February, but that's when he kind of shuts down.

Yesterday I found great airfare and suggested we book, even offered to pay for both of us, but he came up with every excuse in the book. He has to check his schedule, he has to budget for it (I offered to pay!), what if he gets a new job in the meantime, etc. I don't know why he's being like that! He says I can go with my friends if I want.

I just dropped it and started talking about what was on tv, but it's on my mind nonstop. He goes on several trips each year so I don't think the excuses he made are really the problem, he talk about us taking a trip later next year, so why does he balk at going on one in four weeks to somewhere he likes and I even offered to pay? Makes meal think there is something big he's not telling me and that makes me want to give up on seeing him at all. I want open and honest, and that's exactly what I'm giving him...

 

[jaysizzles]

Perhaps he's not as committed to you and your relationship as you are, at this time. That doesn't mean he won't eventually get there. If you think the relationship has potential, then I'd drop the idea for now, and compromise on this one...keeping his idea of going later next year on the table though. What makes me question the strength of your relationship is that you are thinking of calling it quits over this, as well you are questioning his honesty. He may sense your distrust, as well feel too much pressure from you in controlling him, and for not wanting to compromise right now. Another thing...your offer to pay his way, while a nice gesture, may make him feel indebted to you, perhaps subservient or kept.

Listen to him, respect his opinion, compromise, and trust him...if you want this to work.

 

[chicagobtm]

Thanks for that! I guess I could add that last year I got out of a very long term relationship after he cheated, so I'm really trying to not bring the distrust from that into this new relationship.

That and the fact that I can sometimes think in extremes made me say I was thinking of not seeing him at all anymore. I'm working on not having the all or nothing attitude, though. The night before this happened he told me he was "all in" this relationship and wants to get serious, and a big part of a relationship for me is traveling together. I know that he and his ex from a couple years ago traveled a lot, so I know he likes it as well.

I just don't get why going on a three or four night trip to somewhere warm didn't get a "hell yeah, let's do it, babe!" response, it got excuses that didn't make sense. I guess I'll just drop it and see what happens, but it's on my mind and I'm sure it will show. Kind of hard to be "all in" when he wont do something fun that I was excited about. I just can't figure out why he wouldn't want to go...

 

[jaysizzles]

Hey, that's great that he wants to be "all in"! Now you can, or at least you should, relax and go with the flow. You 're still getting to know him and for whatever reason he's resisting a trip now, it's not worth it right now to dwell on it, and even question yourself as whether you should be "all in" because of his reaction to this...it's trivial. You'll figure him out in time...no need to peel away all his layers all at once. And, at least you recognize that your past relationship may be affecting your perception on this...so don't allow your experience with your ex to sabatoge something now that could be really good. Enjoy the fact that you have a "great guy".

 

[Kyanimal]

You said that he and his ex travelled a lot. So ... maybe it's not the idea of a trip together, but rather the destination?

It might be a place he and the ex have been, and he'd rather not drudge up past memories, or even talk about (yet).

 

[chicagobtm]

Hey, that's great that he wants to be "all in"! Now you can, or at least you should, relax and go with the flow. You 're still getting to know him and for whatever reason he's resisting a trip now, it's not worth it right now to dwell on it, and even question yourself as whether you should be "all in" because of his reaction to this...it's trivial. You'll figure him out in time...no need to peel away all his layers all at once. And, at least you recognize that your past relationship may be affecting your perception on this...so don't allow your experience with your ex to sabatoge something now that could be really good. Enjoy the fact that you have a "great guy".

Great advice. I just wish I could get this out of my mind. I honestly expected him to jump on it and get excited, so it was a big let down and, honestly, kind of a red flag that he couldn't give me a reason. Hopefully he'll bring it up and explain.

 

[chicagobtm]

You said that he and his ex travelled a lot. So ... maybe it's not the idea of a trip together, but rather the destination?

It might be a place he and the ex have been, and he'd rather not drudge up past memories, or even talk about (yet).

It's actually a place he loves and said he wants to show me sometime. But then here the chance comes up and he won't go. If he could have just given me a reason, I would be fine with it, but since he didn't, my mind is going all over the place.

 

[DarkHelios]

It sounds like it bothers you that he isn't responding the same way that you would respond in the same situation. Maybe he doesn't know that you consider travel to be a very important part of a relationship.

You've only been together for a few months, maybe international travel is more than he's ready to do at this point, but he's afraid that you'd interpret that as him rejecting you, not just the trip.

It also sounds to me like he's given decent reasons, but you just don't agree with them.
Regarding the money, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else paying for my airfare early on in a relationship. It would make me feel like I owed them something.
If he's looking for a new job, it makes sense that he'd want to hold off on travel so that he doesn't miss opportunities.

 

[sixthson]

I think the longer you let yourself dwell on it, the greater the chance you are of becoming suspicious of ulterior motives. Maybe this is too spontaneous for him, maybe he doesn't want you to pay his way because of pride and maybe it's just what he says.
If everything else in the relationship is cool, just let it go before you damage things and regret it. You don't always get your way in a relationship, not matter how good you think the idea may be.

 

[KaraBulut]

... He goes on several trips each year so I don't think the excuses he made are really the problem, he talk about us taking a trip later next year, so why does he balk at going on one in four weeks to somewhere he likes and I even offered to pay? Makes meal think there is something big he's not telling me and that makes me want to give up on seeing him at all. I want open and honest, and that's exactly what I'm giving him...

A "vacation" means getting away and doing something other than the day-to-day stuff. That means different things to different people but it may also mean that he wants to do his own thing when he's on a trip.

You say that you want him to be "open and honest". You can ask him why he doesn't want to go with you but you may not like his answer.

 

[chicagobtm]

Yes, that's kind of what I'm afraid of, hearing the real reason. Maybe I'm too eager to go and start making memories with him. I don't know...its just a few nights away relaxing at a pool or ocean. Not expensive at all, and not a huge commitment in time.

I'll be seeing him later today, hopefully I'll act normal and not show I'm bothered. I'll just drop it for now and appreciate the time we spend together. I really appreciate the advice and opinions you guys are giving me!

 

[TX-Beau]

Two things. I'd be awkward taking vacations from someone I'd only been dating for a short time. I like to pay anyway, and while I will accept expensive things (there is no vacation cheaper than dinner with a nice wine) from guys I've dated for awhile, personally I have these inbred ideas about what is appropriate when - curiously if a guy spends a couple hundred on dinner early on, that won't bother me, but if he buys me a two hundred dollar sweater, that would.

See, people can have strange issues with how cash relates to dating.

Second, you need to let go of this idea about such things as "the real reason." He gave you the answer he's going to give you. You can choose to accept that or you can choose to disbelieve him. I'm a firm believer in the theory that there are times that absolute honesty, absolutely all the time is more harmful than not. His answer isn't intentionally hurtful, it's not suspicious, unless there is context here you are omitting, let it go.

So he doesn't want to go on vacation just now, unless this is part of a larger pattern of avoiding or ignoring you, so the fuck what? Why exactly does this have anything to do with "larger" or more suspicious issues? You don't have to anser those questions in here, but think about it, what is it EXACTLY that's bothering you about his reluctance?

In regards to the honesty thing, now that you are - well, focusing a bunch of your energy on this "real reason" if you haven't brought that up, you aren't being honest with him about how much this bothers you.

Why haven't you asked him about it? I'm not suggesting that you do, I'd say just let it go, I'm just saying that you made a decision that pushing the subject initially would do more harm than good and concealed how you really felt, yet you don't want to leave him, so maybe he made the same kind of choice.

 

[chicagobtm]

TX Beau - I appreciate the points you made.

I'm sure you are right to an extent, but at times we have been talking about travel in general and he said that if he has a trip planned but gets a new job, he'll tell them that he has the trip already and won't be in those days. He works rom home now and his job is basically writing contracts, so he can do them anytime, anywhere. That is what makes it disturbing to me, he's said before it's not a problem at all, but then when I come up with a deal we can take advantage of, he completely changes his tune. Confusing!

I don't think he has a problem with the money, but the way I put it to him was that I could get our airfare right now, and he could get the hotel. That way we are sharing the cost, but if he DID have an issue with money, he has time to budget like he said before he needed money.

I do wish that I hadn't brought it up to him now, but I saw a great deal, got excited and wanted to plan a fun trip together. I was surprised at his reluctance to go, thrown off and I guess I felt rejected since he loves travel and talks about it often. I could be over sensitive, but without an "I'm worried about the money" or some other reason I could understand, I'm lost. We have talked and shared a LOT of very personal things about each other, and him not being flush with cash (if that's the trouble) wouldn't be more personal than everything else.

Anyway, I've been being as sweet and upbeat as I can to him, I haven't brought anything up about it or any travel since, and I'm just going to leave that aspect up to him to bring up when/if he's ready. I can't think of anything better I can do at this point.

 

[eastofeden]

People have all kinds of fears and roadblocks inside of them...some they might not even be aware of...

So..if it is bothering you that much...tell him exactly what you have told us. Ask him directly....without malice or any kind of judgement...let him think about it if he has to.

I would automatically say no as well if it was only a few months. I know why I would say no but it isn't relevant here so I will skip the reason. What I can say is that if someone asked me about it directly I MIGHT change my mind if I was able to be direct and honest about it.

 

[Seasoned]

Let it go for now if you can, but if it bothers you to the point it's affecting your relationship attempt to get an answer. He ought to be able to explain himself.