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New Boyfriend

954dude

954dude

Janet Fan
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In October at my school's Gay Straight Youth Alliance meeting, I met a handsome 20 year old Puerto Rican (I'm also 20). Him and I hit it off right away, but others in the club were interested in him and he told them he was heterosexual (because he wasn't interested). That bummed me out, so I started looking elsewhere.

In December, him and I starting speaking online and sometimes on the phone daily. He told me he's bisexual and that he's attracted to me. We both agreed on wanting something more...a relationship. We'd make plans, but nothing happened. He told me to be patient, because he has no car, no job, no cell phone (a house phone, yes) and that once we're together, it won't be hard for us to see each other.

This past Saturday, we DID meet. We hung out, talked, and kissed. So we're official as of January 17th.

BUT...there's a problem. Him and his mother don't get along. She's also unemployed, so both are in the house together constantly and he's not allowed to go many places or use the phone too much. She's very strict on him. The both of us aren't in college for the term, but I'm working (20 hours a week). There's plenty of time and opportunity to be with each other, but I need help!

Are there any suggestions you all can give to me...other than being patient? Should I attempt to speak to him on the phone more? Do I become more aggressive and see him more? Or should I be more understanding?
 
Something doesn't add up here. This is the first time I've ever heard of a 20-year old guy not wanting to have sex because he doesn't have a car, a job, or a phone. Unless his mom is literally keeping him prisoner, it seems like he could find a way to get together with you.

So, unfortunately, we may once again have a case of "he's just not that into you." Tell him to cut the excuses and get his ass over to your place pronto. Otherwise I don't see much point in waiting for him to figure out what he's doing with his life.
 
I have to concur, this does not add up. Is he really 20 years old, is he really living at home with his "mother" or is it his "Daddy". What 20 yw=ear old is under the gun like that???/ Is it possible he is hiding his sexuality and he can't be seen with you. Don't give up on him, be patient for a while as you only decided to become an item since Jan 17th, 3 days ago, but my suggestion is to be patient for a few weeks and be prepared for disappointment. Then if things work out it will be great, if not no tears lost.
 
You need to ask yourself whether you're willing to put up with this drama, is he worth it? You're 20, so I am sure you're willing to make allowances. 20 years from now, I can guarantee you won't even consider playing these games. I personally wouldn't put up with the charades, but then again I am twice your age. My advice is to trust your instincts and go with it, learning your lessons along the way.
 
Oh shoot, I left that out. He's out to his friends, but in the closet to his parents. He's already discouraged in regards to his mother because they've been at odds since she got remarried 8 years ago. His father also remarried and still lives in NY.

Doesn't all add up, but I'm drawing more to put my mind at ease. Every mention of his mother just upsets him. I'm not for games...he's a good guy. I've been through enough drama and stupidity in my life. If things turn for the worse, I'll know when to cut loose.
 
954dude said:
Oh shoot, I left that out. He's out to his friends, but in the closet to his parents. He's already discouraged in regards to his mother because they've been at odds since she got remarried 8 years ago. His father also remarried and still lives in NY.

Doesn't all add up, but I'm drawing more to put my mind at ease. Every mention of his mother just upsets him. I'm not for games...he's a good guy. I've been through enough drama and stupidity in my life. If things turn for the worse, I'll know when to cut loose.
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I say be careful! If there is a local mall in your neighborhood that's hiring pass the info on to him. I would try and help but make sure you don't put yourself in a position to get hurt. I have been in a relationship with a guy who had controlling parents and it's not easy. If this situation becomes too much for you to handle or it leaves you feeling lonely I would step away from it.
 
Emotionally and mentally, I'm very strong. This is my first relationship and it's like learning and taking new steps.

It's give and take, a two way street, and working together that makes a relationship. Once that isn't going on and I'm not feeling any growth or steps closer, then I'm gone. Coming from depression, anxiety, and a dysfunctional family, my past is full of ups and downs. But that's what has made me stronger. Trial and error. :)

For now, I enjoy our talks. We go on and on about good and bad, silly and serious.
 
go over to his house and hang out as friends or vice versa. If you want it make it happen. Talk to him figure the best way for you two to be together more.
 
My depression was a combination of many things and consumed me for much of my teen years. I've been through therapy and counseling (still on Lexapro, very religious), so now I'm in the "moving on" phase.

The relation between love and depression is that I've always felt inadequate. My father left at 4 and I see him every few years. Most of my family lives in Jamaica, UK, Canada, New York, or elsewhere. Anytime I had a crush, I was rejected.

Mental health is always #1, but life stops for no one, must continue and seek experience. Time to date, live life, be responsible and have fun.

Relationships come in different forms and circumstances. The situation isn't perfect, but nothing is in life. Closeted guys aren't ideal, but why push someone away solely for that reason? The only ones who don't know are his parents and steparents and siblings. He accepts who he is, just needs to take that step when he's ready.

In November/December, I breifly dated an openly gay guy. Things were great, but after a week of speaking on the phone daily and meeting twice, he stopped all communication. Something personal happened to him which he chose not to disclose. Weeks later, he started to text me rapidly but wouldn't answer my calls or want to hang out...so I cut him off. So whether a guy is out or not isn't the issue...it's how I'm being treated.

We want to be each other's support, make each other happy, work on this relationship together, and spend more time together. I spent much of my morning writing (I'm a writer) and plan on using some of these thoughts to find out what's going on inside his mind and heart.
 
I think you should stay hopeful. Sure, some people will look at him as a bum, but if he's good to you, then maybe it's worth being patient for.

I don't really have much advice though, but you're one big step ahead of me! :^D
 
Here's what I decided: together, we will work on whatever issues are currently holding us down. We are boyfriends, partners, and we'll do what we can to make the situation better.

In our conversation yesterday, I told him not to be limited in any boundaries and to live his life...and now he wants to come out to his mother. Not out of pressure from me (I want him to do what he wants when he's ready), but because he's tired of hiding it.

I care for him. We both want happiness and more. That's what it's all about, what each other wants, not just about my needs, but his as well. The balance and finding a rational solution to each bump in the road!
 
Before he comes out to his mom, based on what you've told us, I would sit down with him and come up with a plan should he find himself homeless afterwards.
 
I found most advice helpful, but some of it garbage. It stops here. I'm a private person and don't think my personal life needs to be showcased. Went ahead and tackled the issue head first, like anyone should.

Glad I came on to JUB and did this thread, helped me approach him. Holding back these feelings of fear and uncertainty were hurting me inside. A huge sigh of relief now!

I hold on, because this is beyond a physical chemistry. I love his mind, soul, morals, it's a spiritual, emotional, and mental connection. We'll be together, in good and bad.

Thanks for your time.
 
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