new & confused.

[johnnycage04]

im not out... but i just met a guy online about 2 weeks ago, we hooked up once and didn't go all the way(never been that far) i've been attracted to men since i was young. this guy is like the perfect package, but since we've hooked up i feel like hes on bs, he makes plans with me than says he cant do them cause hes durnk and going to sleep but manages to text me a few hours later(i feel like hes seeing other guys) for example he just texted me i wanna cuddle, and when i texted him off he texted me saying hes dozing off. i dont know how to feel about this. i feel like im falling for him but i feel like hes on bs... i dont know what i feel to be honest. all i know is in my heart i feel like hes the right match, or maybe its because hes the first guy i ever did stuff with. i am very goodlooking, i can get just about any girl if i tried, im masculine, i'm fit, i dont know wats wrong with me and y hes not ... giving me a chance. any ideas/tips/thoughts. i've tried to hang out wiht him several times; when "I" wanna hang out he wont respond or he'll make up some story. please help b4 i lose my mind! no one else in my life i can tell this too

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB.

You won't lose your mind, but it seems as though you've lost your heart and that you can take back.

The closet is a set up for this because of the big secret you have. Many, many people have been or are in exactly the same position as you. They have accepted that they're gay and they have found the courage to act on it. In the process they find someone to play with and they assume all is well with their world.

It rarely, if ever, works that way. Why would finding a life partner be easier than buying a pair of shoes?

The real problem isn't this guy, although I'm going to advise you to give up on him. The problem is having a secret and desperately wanting and needing an easy fix. I don't know your circumstance so I can't give coming out advice, but, at the very least, you need a good gay friend. Living in total isolation is unhealthy and will lead to more situations like the one you describe, where, time after time, you'll expect every hook up to lead to a relationship.

People in the closet have it backwards. I know, because I was the same. We hope to find someone so we either can stay in the closet or have the support we need to come out. I suppose people still do this but it sets one up for heartache and possibly abuse because of living in secret.

Tell us more of your story, where you live, age, etc and perhaps we can do more to help. As for now, I'd suggest that having no one would be better than seeing or trying to see this guy. You deserve better.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

A lot of guys who are new to things do what you're doing- find a guy they're attracted to, who seems interested in them and then put a lot of hopes into the situation. And often, it's disappointing.

There's just a lot of flaky, freaky people out there. It takes a while before you learn to spot them early. And it takes a while for you to learn to not waste time on them, solely because you find them attractive.

At this time, you have to be realistic- you're learning and you're trying new things. You may think that you're ready for something serious but it will be easier if you take things slowly, learn a bit about yourself and learn a lot about other people.

There's a guy out there for you. It's probably not this one, though.

 

[jensu846]

youre a hookup. hes probly not looking for a relationship or boyfriend, and you get texted when he is horny and wants sex. youre at his disposal. thats usually how it goes. I know its hard not to get caught up in it but youre a hookup. nothing more. have sex when you guys can, and thats it.

 

[pilotguy121a]

^^^
That. I've been in the same situation, granted I never got to the fooling around part. He sounds like a tool who is just stringing you along to get what he wants. I would forget about him and try to find someone you can take it slowly with.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, you have several things going on here none of them are good.

1. Youth and over commitment. You haven’t figured out yet that unless a guy EXPLICITLY tells you that he’s monogamous (with you) don’t expect him to be. Just a fact of life so don’t jump straight to soul mate unless you’ve had that discussion. Any guy who will have that discussion with you after so short a time is whack and you need to run far, far, away from him.

On the youth side, OBVIOUSLY he’s not the “right” fit, he’s not even reliable. That could be for several reasons including the below, but whatever the reasons. OBVIOUSLY he’s not the “one.” YOU ARE PLAYING THAT GAME ALONE IN YOUR HEAD AND IGNORING REALITY. I can’t say it plainer than that. Stop it.


2. You are in the closet. Which means you have issues with your sexuality – yes, you do. Everyone who is in the closet has issues with their sexuality. In fact we know this to be true because of a couple of things you said that you probably don’t even realize wave red flags about the issues you have about yourself.

Sugar, I WON’T date a guy in the closet. Meaningless sex, perhaps (but I’m old enough to know what kind of problems that spawns hint, hint, so not likely), Friend (solely and only) perhaps, date, hell no. This is because from my position there is something wrong with you, you are lying to everyone in your life – it was hard enough to live in my closet, I’m not going back into yours.

Not because you are a horrible person, not because I don’t understand, because my self-respect won’t allow me to go back to living the big lie.

Living in the closet means absolutely that you are not ready to be dated. You have so much work you need to do on yourself yet BEFORE you become a decent prospect.

When you are out there looking for a partner HALF the battle is making sure you present YOURSELF as a guy someone ELSE wants to date. That is just as important as the criteria you have for guys, perhaps more so. If you have this huge thing that sends gay men running.... Being in the closet will cause a whole lot of guys to pass.

All of us who were ever in the closet wanted that impossible guy, deeply and profoundly, why? Because going out and getting REAL guy meant exposing our REAL secret, and are you ready for that? Those of us who were not all played with the unattainable guy in our head, the aloof guy, etc, real or imagined the guy that we were never going to get BECAUSE that meant we didn't have do deal with the main issue, how we felt about our own sexuality.

Then there is the unalterable fact that if you aren’t out there in the gayverse no one knows you exist, how can some nice guy find you when you are hiding under a rock?



You sound very young, how old are you? Anyway, take some hope away from this, you can come out, you can make your life better, a lot of us were where you are and found our way, if you want us to help, that’s why we’re here.

 

[johnnycage04]

i'm 24. and thanks for all this advice. it REALLY helps. the coming out thing i've bein toying with for years. i still dont have the courage to do it. but... everyone is right about this guy, i feel like hes a fix, and he needs to go sooner than later.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thing is, it does not get easier as you get older, the longer you live your lie the more entrenched you get, the bigger the mountain you have to climb.

DO not waste valuable youth on the closet. You will not get it back, and though it may not seem so now, it will be gone before you know it.

Don't you want to be out there with all the rest of us, living that life you dream about in your head?

We can't get you out of the closet, no one can do that but you. But we can help you prepare yourself for that – and that starts, with asking yourself, what is so wrong about being gay that I feel I have to hide it?

Because for sure, no matter what you think you know, or think about how you feel, somewhere in your head you are ashamed of it.

That is the only reason we hide.

Start small, tell yourself everyday when you get up – I am a gay man, and there's nothing wrong with that, and fuck you, if you don't like it.

 

[Rolyo85]

I came out at 25 and I am deeply sorry I didn't do it much earlier. Not to mention that it takes months (at the VERY least, some times years) to grow up into your own self-awareness as a gay man AFTER you do it. Coming out is not the end of the process, it is the beginning. And there are a thousand excuses not to do it, but rarely any real reasons.

 

[pilotguy121a]

I just came out this past weekend and I can tell you it is one of the best things I have done in a while. Now, I never had a reason to come out. I wasn't seeing anyone, didn't want to do the hook up shit, and just figured I'd let it ride until my parents asked next. Well, I met someone who I felt very comfortable and saw what it was like to be out. The next morning, I told my parents. Sometimes all it takes is to meet someone you feel comfortable with and have it serve as that final push to come out.

 

[Stevieglw]

DO not waste valuable youth on the closet. You will not get it back, and though it may not seem so now, it will be gone before you know it.



Start small, tell yourself everyday when you get up – I am a gay man, and there's nothing wrong with that, and fuck you, if you don't like it.

^^this is a great piece of advice. If there's one thing I regret in my life, it's not coming out when I really first knew for sure that I was gay.

In relation to your current guy, yeah, get rid... He's stringing you along.