New, Edifying Relationship

[hotatlboi]

dude no offense but you are shooting yourself in the foot here. I second the therapy suggestion. You went on one or two dates and now you think this guy isn't interested in you just because he's not willing to immediately let you take over his entire life?

get help man. You have to be comfortable seeing people on a casual level before a relationship will ever work. If someone tells you they have friends over so that night doesn't work for them, that's probably exactly what they mean rather than a ploy to ignore you, etc.

You need to stop thinking so much and give people space or they are not going to be comfortable around you. You've been the initiator of almost all of the drama you've been describing here.

 

[Cognition]

I should state that I went the whole day without bugging Jason. I didn't send any text messages, emails, IMs, or even a phone call.

Tonight around 10:30 while I was studying, he sent me an IM and asked me how I was doing and such. Then he told me that he had been invited to some party but really didn't want to go, but was considering it. I was nice, polite, and kind in my replies.

Guys, I've decided to just relax and go with the flow. At this point, I don't really care what happens between us because I've decided not to invest any more emotions unless he wants to move things along. Right now, I'm acting just as a friend, and I will not set myself up for disappointment thinking things could blossom.

I can't wait until my buddy gets back from Vegas - I really could use a man tonight, if you know what I mean. But my bed is empty until then.

 

[hanshansen]

The one therapy session I did have was after my entanglements with Rob and how his accomplishments really triggered my depression and further lowered my self-esteem.

Why did you quit after that session? What happened at the session?

 

[Cognition]

Why did you quit after that session? What happened at the session?

The guy basically fed me the same generic, regurgitated advice I had heard from many others, such as not to compare with others, be a good neighbor, and to respect my elders.

After hearing that, I stop going. But I do admit that I never really got into the 'meat' of my problems. This wasn't a gay psychologist, so I had to keep certain things out of discussion.

 

[hanshansen]

This wasn't a gay psychologist, so I had to keep certain things out of discussion.

Did you assume that? Did he at least know that you are gay and having relationship issues?

 

[hotatlboi]

Guys, I've decided to just relax and go with the flow.

Well that is certainly a step in the right direction.

good luck to you.

 

[Cognition]

Did you assume that? Did he at least know that you are gay and having relationship issues?

No, I know for a fact that he wasn't gay and he didn't know about me either. I didn't even mention my relationship(s).

 

[Cognition]

Well that is certainly a step in the right direction.

good luck to you.

Thanks.

Guys, I only want what most of you, if not all, want. I just want someone to be close to me. I want a guy that I can share my secrets with, laugh with. I want someone to hold me, kiss me, encourage, and challenge me.

I'm just so tired of being so lonely, but very scared of being rejected. Yes, I admit that I make sure that I have the "upper hand" by rejecting others before they have a chance to reject me, but it's not getting me anywhere in life.

I just don't want to be lonely, but again, not used and taken advantage of either.

 

[hotatlboi]

Thanks.

Guys, I only want what most of you, if not all, want. I just want someone to be close to me. I want a guy that I can share my secrets with, laugh with. I want someone to hold me, kiss me, encourage, and challenge me.

I'm just so tired of being so lonely, but very scared of being rejected. Yes, I admit that I make sure that I have the "upper hand" by rejecting others before they have a chance to reject me, but it's not getting me anywhere in life.

I just don't want to be lonely, but again, not used and taken advantage of either.

That's cool but honestly desperation is a huge turn off for most people, and if you project that to your potential partners (which you seemed to be doing with most of what was on the first page in this thread) you probably aren't going to get very far.

Just take it casually like you said and don't set your expectations too high initially.

 

[hanshansen]

No, I know for a fact that he wasn't gay and he didn't know about me either. I didn't even mention my relationship(s).

Is there a therapist you can see who you can talk about those things? Does it need to be a gay therapist?

I'm just so tired of being so lonely, but very scared of being rejected. Yes, I admit that I make sure that I have the "upper hand" by rejecting others before they have a chance to reject me, but it's not getting me anywhere in life.

So, you realise you have a problem. What are you going to do about it? Everyone wants lots of stuff, the question is how to get it.

 

[Cognition]

Just take it casually like you said and don't set your expectations too high initially.

That's what I plan to do. In fact, like today, I will not display an iota of desperation towards Jason - meaning not contacting him in any capacity unless he contacts me first.

Perhaps after a week or two, he will still view me as "absolutely adorable" even after that passive-aggressive mash note of a text message I sent him last night (which I apologized and was forgiven for).

 

[hanshansen]

That's what I plan to do. In fact, like today, I will not display an iota of desperation towards Jason - meaning not contacting him in any capacity unless he contacts me first.

That isn't absence of desperation, it's the same passive-aggressive behaviour (I'll cut off contact with you until you show me that I'm 'absolutely adorable').

 

[Cognition]

Is there a therapist you can see who you can talk about those things? Does it need to be a gay therapist?

I may need one - only a gay one would understand my 'predicament.'

So, you realise you have a problem. What are you going to do about it? Everyone wants lots of stuff, the question is how to get it.

[/quote]

I don't know Han. I don't know what to do. I've never been in a real, serious relationship and obviously I don't have a clue on how to proceed other than being neutral for the time being.

 

[Cognition]

That isn't absence of desperation, it's the same passive-aggressive behaviour (I'll cut off contact with you until you show me that I'm 'absolutely adorable').

No, no, no, Han. I just don't want Jason to think I'm desperate. I want to show him that I'm able to function without bugging him all the time. I thought that if I would be less intrusive, then he would like me better.

See? I don't know anything about relationships.

 

[hanshansen]

I may need one - only a gay one would understand my 'predicament.'

Do you know that for sure? Have you tried?

I don't know Han. I don't know what to do. I've never been in a real, serious relationship and obviously I don't have a clue on how to proceed other than being neutral for the time being.

You're not on neutral, you're on high drama.

My point was that you've realised the dilemma: 'If I don't want to be lonely, I'll have to approach people, but if I approach people, I'll risk getting rejected'.

At some point you're going to have to choose what you'd rather prefer. Even if you do nothing you'll be choosing by default (the lonely option).

I'll say it again: it is not an all or nothing choice. It's not a choice between 'give myself body and soul to X' and 'cut off all contact with X'. You can invest a little emotionally (decide you like someone) but also occupy yourself with other things and other people so that you're not thinking about that person every minute. You can become friends with someone even if it turns out (for whatever reason) that they're not relationship material for you. And so forth.

 

[Cognition]

Just tell me in plain English what I should do about Jason. Give me some relationship 'directions' if you will.

 

[Cognition]

Flowbot, I know I made a mistake last night with Jason with coming across as 'needy.' I apologized and he forgave me for it. I blamed it on sleep deprivation. I've decided to stop initiating communications with him and respond only when he wants to contact me. I was very successful at doing that today. In fact, it was after he got off work that he contacted me and asked about how I was doing and what his plans were for tonight.

Now that I've gotten back into his good graces, I want to show him that I can function like a normal human being without bugging him all the time. I think I'll just lay low and be quiet for a while.

I did send him a "Happy New Year" text message once it approached midnight here in Dallas, so I'm not referring to never initiating even the most trivial amount of communication, just not like before.

I hope this all makes sense.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>This wasn't a gay psychologist, so I had to keep certain things out of discussion.

Are you like this with the doctor, too? "He's never had heart problems, so I obviously won't discuss the chest pains with him." If you're vague (or not completely forthcoming) with your symptoms, about all the doctor can do is offer some vague polemics about being healthy - "eat better, get plenty of rest, take some exercise." In short, the "same generic regurgitated advice" you're gonna hear from all doctors who don't know what the hell the problem is, due to you not telling them what the hell the problem is.

Yes, there ARE therapists out there who specialize in LGBQT issues, and feel free to search one out. But therapists of all stripes deal with human problems, and LGBQT issues ARE human problems. They may not have experienced precisely what you're going through, but they're aware of the issues that confront people in your situation, and may be able to offer some support and good advice. But, again, only if they know what the hell the problem is. So why not find a therapist, and actually open up to him? Actually TELL him what the hell the problem is. And don't expect total and complete solutions right away. Your problems are deep enough to need something more than a Band-Aid solution.

Lex

 

[hanshansen]

No, no, no, Han. I just don't want Jason to think I'm desperate. I want to show him that I'm able to function without bugging him all the time. I thought that if I would be less intrusive, then he would like me better.

See? I don't know anything about relationships.

You don't want him to think you're desperate - you ARE desperate! You want to show him that you can function without bugging him all the time - you CAN'T!

I always tell people that I'm a method actor when it comes to dealing with others. By that I mean that I try to get into what I think is the right mindset for a situation and then the details will take care of themselves. That's probably too extreme. But all the tips and tricks in the world are not going to help you with your relationships until you figure out how to ACTUALLY be less demanding of other people - because YOU think it's good, not as a facade while deep down you are still desperate for people to like you.

Two reasons: people won't take long to wise up to you and run for the hills. And when they do, it will send you into a tailspin.

So my advice - forget about how to build up some kind of persona to fool Jason, and work on yourself. Opening up to a therapist would be a good first step.

 

[hotatlboi]

You don't want him to think you're desperate - you ARE desperate! You want to show him that you can function without bugging him all the time - you CAN'T!

I always tell people that I'm a method actor when it comes to dealing with others. By that I mean that I try to get into what I think is the right mindset for a situation and then the details will take care of themselves. That's probably too extreme. But all the tips and tricks in the world are not going to help you with your relationships until you figure out how to ACTUALLY be less demanding of other people - because YOU think it's good, not as a facade while deep down you are still desperate for people to like you.

Two reasons: people won't take long to wise up to you and run for the hills. And when they do, it will send you into a tailspin.

So my advice - forget about how to build up some kind of persona to fool Jason, and work on yourself. Opening up to a therapist would be a good first step.

wow i think you hit the nail on the head with this post.

Indeed, if you really are desperate it probably won't take long for that to show through. Work on getting your own emotional state in order.