New flame feels a bit stalkerish

[levenshulme31]

I met a guy on Gaydar last week and I'm finding him a little bit stalkerish. I have been to his place once and he has been to mine twice. We also went to a movie during the week.

I'm not out and have made it clear that I am not yet ready to come out so am a little concerned about being seen out and about with a guy (I realise that the issue here is mine not his, but I've known him for about a week and do not believe I have ever given him any reason to believe that I am in the market for a long term relationship.

He seems like a very nice guy, but certain little things he does or says make me feel a little uneasy.

The second time we were in bed he said he loved me which, while flattering, seemed a bit over the top for our second encounter. He calls or texts at least every day and seems to get pissed off if I don't reply or call back immediately.

Before I met him I had not been with a guy for about 2 years but he keeps asking me when I last was with a guy, I feel he does not trust that I am being truthful, yet he seems a bit vague when I ask him about his past partners.

Stlkerish is possibly a bit strong, I suspect he is just looking for a 'proper' relationship, I just don't think I want the same.

I just don't know what to do next. Any advice?

 

[bankside]

It is over the top. I ditched someone who pulled that "i love you" thing in under a week. Nobody loves someone after a week. There is such a thing as potential for love right away, but I think it is deeply misguided if he thinks he loves you. You are still strangers, despite sleeping together.

 

[TX-Beau]

The second time we were in bed he said he loved me which...

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!

Red flag, siren, ways nature tells you to keep your distance.

Considering your closet issue, you'd better start wondering if he's the vindictive stalker guy - what's he going to do when you inevitably want to stop?

Do not sleep with him again, you don't want him anyway, and if he's the guy you think he is, everything you do that can possible be taken as a sign of undying love will be.

 

[Seasoned]

As someone who was in the closet I want to advise you to find a gay friend or two or find a friend or family member to come out to. You need a face to face confidant. You need someone who knows you to bounce ideas off of. A furtive life is a dangerous life. I hope you meet hook ups in a public place.

I know we all get horny and that horniness can lead to risk. Most of us walk away ok, but I'm sure plenty here could report weird or scary incidents.

Never allow yourself to be pushed beyond your comfort level when the safety alarm goes off. Don't ever be afraid to nip something early on.

If it should come to the issue of your safety you may have to come out as you seek a restraining order.

Whether a person knows it or not their coming out process is well underway by the time they start having same sex encounters.

 

[TX-Beau]

I agree, if your gut tells you someone is stalkerish, listen to it.

 

[KaraBulut]

I just don't know what to do next. Any advice?

You treat him like you would want to be treated.

You sit him down and you tell him this:

I'm not out and have made it clear that I am not yet ready to come out so am a little concerned about being seen out and about with a guy (I realise that the issue here is mine not [your's], but I've known [you] for about a week and do not believe I have ever given [you] any reason to believe that I am in the market for a long term relationship.

[You seem] like a very nice guy, but certain little things [you do or say] make me feel a little uneasy.

Then you set the terms: "If you want to continue seeing me, you've got to slow things down. I am not ready for a serious relationship and if that is what you want, it would be better if you saw someone else who can provide what you're looking for. I cannot."

 

[blogthissucker]

The "I love you" thing is creepy. In my opinion - take it for what it's worth - that means he's desperate for a relationship and willing to delude himself into believing that he has something special with ANYONE. Desperate + latched on to you = basically impossible to get rid of.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Karabulut nailed it on the head. Follow his script.

 

[levenshulme31]

Thanks so much for the advice guys. I was wondering If I was being unfair to him as I'm sure my attitude would be a bit different if I was out. But I do find him a bit clingy and overbearing.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect you may be correct. Beyond the sex, we have pretty much nothing in common - and sex isn't al that important to me anyway - if it comes my way all well and good, if not, no biggie.

He has invited me out to dinner on Wednesday (it is my birthday on Thursday) - not sure if I should cancel or use it as an opportunity to thrash things out.

I'll let you know what happens.....