NEW Here, OLD Problem

[GreeneyedGemini]

I've been reading alot of posts on here for a few monthes now, usually checking out the pics threads (ha) but also reading the relationship threads. Heres the deal:

I'm a bisexual guy and the three people i've told have all been schocked when i told them. I think this is because i'm not a very flamouant guy. Pretty much the average kid that happens to like both girls and guys. I've also done the famous "fallen in love with my best friend" trick. The past year or so i've really fallen deeply in love with a guy friend of mine. This guy does so many tradionally 'gay' things, so much so that lots of people really did think he was gay. I dont really think that he suspects that i'm attracted to men at all.

Anyways he's always had the standard girl friend in his life but never been very sexual with them. Well earlier this summer he told me how he's gotten engaged, and the wedding is next summer.

He's always been very flirty with me and does have a list a mile long that suggests that he's in the closet. I'm wondering now what to do, if anything. I've come up with a few routes and i created this thread so that people who have had experience with something like this could put their input to.

1- let it go and try to get over him (the least likely thing ill prob do)

2- Tell him i'm bisexual and confess my true feelings about him

3- Tell him i'm bisexual and then progress from there

I think that i'm going to have to do something but i feel like i'm on a deadline because as the wedding day approaches more and more plans will be made and if he does, by a very small chance, want to be with me, it would be harder for him to leave this girl.

For those of you who dont believe me or think i'm exagerating this, I'll leave you with a text he sent me about a month ago.

(He told me he knows i need my beauty sleep. I responded us model types need at least 12 hours a night) "Well i may not know anything about that lifestyle but i've become complient with society and where my place in it is."

 

[altlover85]

I'd advise you not to do anything but if you decide you must, don't mention the feelings and instead tell him you are bi and leave it at that.

 

[KaraBulut]

If he's a friend that you want to be a closer friend, then come out to him. No strings or expectations attached.

As for the rest of this...

If you were a female friend and you were asking about an engaged male friend, the advice would be the same:

He's taken. Leave it alone. Go find someone else to play with.

 

[GreeneyedGemini]

btw just a side note: if ur curious as to what i look like i posted some pics in the show off forum. its 22 year old. i have pics of the guy i'm talking about but i dont think its appropiate to post them with out his permission

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, lets look at reality instead of speculation.

This guy is marrying someone else. Tell yourself that, repeat as necessary.

If he's interested in you, and for whatever reason he's still marrying someone else, what does that tell you?

If you want to tell him about yourself, by all means do so. But don't tell him you want him, and don't expect that he's all of a sudden going to dump the bride at the altar - in fact if you tell him that you're in love with him, expect the exact opposite.

 

[GreeneyedGemini]

i know the logical thing to do is to walk away but when so many things dont really add up it makes me wonder what would happen if i came out to him and further more what if i told him my feelings about him. I've seen enough married guys suck cock to know that just because he says "i do" doesnt mean shit as far as what gets his dick up. The way i look at it is all is fair in love and war, i didnt purpose to this chick, he did. So if she ends up getting hurt is was him that set her up for heartbreak. Me, i'm most likely gonna get hurt but isnt it better to know for sure than to live in limbo, always wandering what if?

 

[gmoney]

Wow! This is a hard one to figure out. There is no cut and dry answer you will get from anyone here seeing your situation.

As an outsider, not knowing either one of you, or how close you are, I would say the thing to do is just 'come out' to him while holding back your feelings. Give him time to digest what is what, and if he's really getting married to manifest his own denial, then maybe that will unfold on its on accord.

It would be very selfish of you to push him in any direction, just out of how you feel. You can't force love, no matter how strongly you feel for another person. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

I've seen, and commented on your other thread, so I know you're a good-looking guy. If this doesn't work out, keep your head up. There are plenty of guys who would love the chance to have a chance in developing some kind of relationship with you, if that's what you really want.

As you become more comfortable with you own sexuality, your attraction to ones you seek will become more and more accessible.

I hope this makes sense. It took me a long time to realize it myself, but it is what I truly believe.

 

[altlover85]

i know the logical thing to do is to walk away but when so many things dont really add up it makes me wonder what would happen if i came out to him and further more what if i told him my feelings about him. I've seen enough married guys suck cock to know that just because he says "i do" doesnt mean shit as far as what gets his dick up. The way i look at it is all is fair in love and war, i didnt purpose to this chick, he did. So if she ends up getting hurt is was him that set her up for heartbreak. Me, i'm most likely gonna get hurt but isnt it better to know for sure than to live in limbo, always wandering what if?

You have people here telling you the reasons why what your doing could and probably will blow up in your face.

What else can we say?

 

[rareboy]

Tell him you're bi-sexual.

Let him sort the rest out.

 

[Lube]

Yes, as others have said, pick option #3. Then give it time.

I totally know where you're coming from. I've crushed on a couple guys that were in denial or who took to religion as cover from their sexuality.

You really, really want them to just wake up and smell the coffee, but human psyches are so complex. You can't force him to accept himself the way that you have accepted yourself.

You can be a role model for him, but it's up to him to make any decisions.

Good luck and let us know how it plays out.

 

[TX-Beau]

i know the logical thing to do is to walk away but when so many things dont really add up it makes me wonder what would happen if i came out to him and further more what if i told him my feelings about him. I've seen enough married guys suck cock to know that just because he says "i do" doesnt mean shit as far as what gets his dick up. The way i look at it is all is fair in love and war, i didnt purpose to this chick, he did. So if she ends up getting hurt is was him that set her up for heartbreak. Me, i'm most likely gonna get hurt but isnt it better to know for sure than to live in limbo, always wandering what if?

Yes, all's fair in love and war, until someone fucks you over, then it's not fair at all is it? How selfish are you? Selfish enough to fuck people over in a way you'd hate to have done to you? If you don't respect the feelings of others, why should anyone respect yours?

You want her guy, that doesn't give you the right to fuck her over. You may not be her fiancee, but then the guy driving the getaway car didn't rob the bank, strange that he went to prison with the rest of them.

Is that the kind of guy you want to be? Someone with callous, selfish dismissal of other people's feelings?

There are guys out there who are like that, so is that you?

 

[altlover85]

You said what I wanted to say TX-Beau, but nicer than I was going to say it.

 

[GreeneyedGemini]

Yes, all's fair in love and war, until someone fucks you over, then it's not fair at all is it? How selfish are you? Selfish enough to fuck people over in a way you'd hate to have done to you? If you don't respect the feelings of others, why should anyone respect yours?

You want her guy, that doesn't give you the right to fuck her over. You may not be her fiancee, but then the guy driving the getaway car didn't rob the bank, strange that he went to prison with the rest of them.

Is that the kind of guy you want to be? Someone with callous, selfish dismissal of other people's feelings?

There are guys out there who are like that, so is that you?

yeah, i guess. Shes a nice girl but i'm fairly certain that shes marrying him for his $ (hes gonna be a doc and she makes about 30,000/year) At the end of the day i have no problem breaking up an engagment if the engagment has less to do with love and more to do with money and covering up secrets. Besides what happens when they do get married? he cheats on her with guys anyways... Why not stop it before it happens? In life you have to roll the dice sometimes... The bottom line is that i love him and i think that letting him go through with this and not doing anything is a coward's way out. The trick is to not rock the boat too much but i'm not going to stand back and watch this happen, it may and probablly will happen, but at least i can look back and say " you were true to yourself"

 

[altlover85]

You should teach a class on rationalization!

Bravo!

 

[aijalon18]

You should definitely just tell him.

I have a straight friend that went through the same thing. He was best friends with a girl for 8 years. He realized he was in love with her and told her a few months prior to her wedding. She was extremely upset and couldnt be friends w/ him anymore. even though they are no longer friends he has no regrets. He missed her friendship but he thought it would have felt worse to watch her spend her life w/ another guy.

Same goes for you. He could possibly freak out but dont you think itll be more torturous to watch him with her?

 

[KaraBulut]

yeah, i guess. Shes a nice girl but i'm fairly certain that shes marrying him for his $ (hes gonna be a doc and she makes about 30,000/year) At the end of the day i have no problem breaking up an engagment if the engagment has less to do with love and more to do with money and covering up secrets. Besides what happens when they do get married? he cheats on her with guys anyways... Why not stop it before it happens? In life you have to roll the dice sometimes... The bottom line is that i love him and i think that letting him go through with this and not doing anything is a coward's way out. The trick is to not rock the boat too much but i'm not going to stand back and watch this happen, it may and probablly will happen, but at least i can look back and say " you were true to yourself"

Simple: you're their friend, not their parent.

Their stupid mistakes are not your problem to fix. Especially when your reasoning is distorted by the fact you want to break them up so that you can have him.

Go this route and everyone will end up unhappy and alone.

 

[TX-Beau]

yeah, i guess. Shes a nice girl but i'm fairly certain that shes marrying him for his $ (hes gonna be a doc and she makes about 30,000/year) At the end of the day i have no problem breaking up an engagment if the engagment has less to do with love and more to do with money and covering up secrets. Besides what happens when they do get married? he cheats on her with guys anyways... Why not stop it before it happens? In life you have to roll the dice sometimes... The bottom line is that i love him and i think that letting him go through with this and not doing anything is a coward's way out. The trick is to not rock the boat too much but i'm not going to stand back and watch this happen, it may and probablly will happen, but at least i can look back and say " you were true to yourself"

Well, you know, that’s bullshit, you’re frustrated, you think it should be you, you were afraid to say something before, and now you’re freaking because he didn’t wait around for you to get up the courage to say something. That door is swinging shut and you’re in a panic. It has nothing to do with being true to yourself, if you were being true to yourself, he'd know already. But you didn't tell him that, did you, you didn't even tell him you like guys.

You think that trying to break up his relationship is courage? No, being honest with your friends is courage, the other is just selfishness.

You don’t know why she’s marrying him, it’s just convenient for you to impugn her motives, to justify your choices, and even if she’s after his cash, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. You don’t know why he’s marrying her – you don’t know what’s between them - , hell, you don’t even know if he’s interested – you’re speculating, living on hope. If you were sure he wanted you we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

You have no right to toss the dice with other people’s lives. No matter how you justify it to yourself, it’s still you trying to decide on what terms he gets to be happy, because of your own motives.

You’re upset he’s with someone else; you’re upset it’s a woman, you’re pissed off. Well, we’ve all been there. It sucks ass, but there it is. You know where this ends? Not with you and him running off into the sunset together.

If he is in the closet – and you don’t even know that he is – you are everything he’s running away from. If he’s in the closet, he’s marrying a woman because he doesn’t want to be with a guy.

You can’t fix that. Your love can’t fix that. You and your love are why he’s in the closet. You and your cock and what he’s afraid that means for him, and what everyone else will say about that. You are what he's running away from.

Not only that, but if he is in the closet, you telling him you love him and want him is not going to make him leave her, it’s going to push him more firmly to her, because that will panic him, and he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s gay, he doesn’t want to be gay – he’s marrying a woman to get away from wanting you.

That’s how this ends, with him married to her, and you losing a friend. His fear is why you will always lose to the closet. You can’t have him until he steps out enough to admit that to himself. That has nothing to do with who she is whatsoever.

Assuming that he’s even in the closet in the first place, and you’re not just seeing what you want to see.

Yes, that’s fucked, yes it’s infuriating, yes it’s one more tally for why it sucks to like men sometimes. But that’s where you are. We've all found ourselves there, and it always sucks.

You’re not going to listen to me I’m sure, because you’re probably dead set on taking this path, but remember, life is never really what we think it is in our heads, and if you try and bend reality to what you hope will happen, you always lose.

Good luck with that, maybe you’ll be the one in a million that actually wins this game, if you’re going to hope, at least be realistic about what you’re hope is about, and when the ashes cool, go find some guys who actually want what you do.

 

[PokerFace]

Tell him ur bi and see how he reacts. He might ask u questions and u can ask him if he's ever thought about doing anything with a guy. If he says no then u should completly leave it alone and move on.

 

[GreeneyedGemini]

K so i posted about this a while ago and im finally going to try and tell him im bi romorrow night. i thought we were just going to be alone but its turned into a thing with him and his buds so i may not get the chance to but well see.

 

[bankside]

They're getting married?
There is an old tradition that anyone can object to the marriage if there is a reason why they shouldn't be married. The groom being gay would be a good reason.

Thing is though, it is civilized to figure that out first. And it is civilized for you to be the first one to wish him happiness with his fiancée if he is actually straight.

So, you can do two things: Come out to him just like Kara said. Or ask him if he's gay.

Sounds dramatic? It beats waiting until the wedding ceremony and asking then right in the middle of it.