New/old romantic low...

[Jacob89]

I need some relationship advice guys...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, that's three anniversaries (as of two nights ago). And so far the most romantic of the 3 was the first, when we ordered a large peperoni from Pizza Hut and watched whatever movie was on TV that night... Oh and that was the day after our anniversary because he forgot and "made it up to me the next night." A week later we did the same thing because he was tired after work and "didn't feel like doing anything special that night."

I consider myself to be a very romantic man. Not so much the lovey dovey flowers and poem crap, but the candle lit bedroom and some soft music type of romantic... I know, I know, its a fine line. The point is that the word romantic does not exist in his dictionary, and it needs to! I have tried, God knows I've tried to spark some romantic interest in him in the past but it never became a flame. Hell, the best part of any evening we have together is going to sleep simply because that's when we get to cuddle for a few minutes before he passes out and starts to snore.

This probably qualifies as more of a rant than seeking advice because Im not sure that anything can be done to improve the situation. An outside perspective usually helps but Im not expecting miracle posts from you guys.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

- Jake

 

[Seasoned]

Honey, if you want romance, bring on the romance. There is nothing that says you can't be romantic with him. Don't set yourself up for disappointment because you remember dates and he doesn't. A relationship isn't about tests or tricks or set-ups. A month prior try saying, "do you have any thoughts about what you'd like to do for our anniversary next month?" Time for your birthday? "I've got an idea of what I'd like to do for my birthday this year." After my divorce I wouldn't wait for my ex-wife to call and put the kids on the phone for my birthday. I'd call and say that I was calling to get my birthday greetings. Sad, you sad? Well, it beat crying myself to sleep. Besides, we'd celebrate when I saw them the following weekend.

If you could handle it Pizza Hut pizza could be your anniversary tradition with one of you augmenting in with a nice wine and the other with a fancy dessert.

You might show him romance by giving him a bath or massaging his feet or hands. If he comes home with flowers be grateful. Way after the fact let him know what else you'd like. Never expect a partner to be a mind reader.

My partner and I are going on 28 years, and by no means have they been without conflict. We have both learned a lot and we go for couples therapy when we need to. Relationships need work. Communication is essential.

We do some silly stuff. For example, when there's anything we're eating with bay leaves, whoever gets the bay leaf gets a blow job.

At the heart of rommance is intimacy, small traditions and playfulness. Some of it may be based on hetero ideas, but we are free to make it our own.

Keep communicating. Ask for what you need. Compromise on some of your wants. Keep a sense of humor.

PS. How bad is his snoring? Does he stop breathing? Could he have sleep apnea?

 

[Jacob89]

To Soreknees:

I feel like I should start this reply by saying I really do love this man, and would love to spend the next few decades at his side. But the thought of spending that time as half the couple we could be makes me sick. And we can do better than Pizza hut. We have actually tried a romantic bath. Candles, bubbles, music, the whole shebang... It was really nice for a while, until the weather became the lasting, dominate conversation topic. Seriously, the weather... . A massage is a really good idea though. I have thought about it in the past but never acted.

I have also tried to eliminated the need for mind reading by, on occasion, flat out telling him what I wanted or needed. Somehow that didn't get through and we were back to square one what seemed like hours later.

The problem isn't all with the lack of romance either. It spans into the reality that there is no variety. If we are having sex, I am getting fucked, If I am not getting fucked, we are not having sex. When he/we are done he disappears behind his computer for a few hours. If we go out to eat it is a choice between 3 or 4 places.

I see the definition to romance as thoughtful variety. Or at least a large part of it is. Everybody has a groove they are comfortable in, but a healthy relationship can not live in a groove.

As for his snoring, it is not that bad. I am a bit of a worrier and already thought about sleep apnea, but found relief when I read up on it a bit.

 

[altlover85]

To Soreknees:

I feel like I should start this reply by saying I really do love this man, and would love to spend the next few decades at his side. But the thought of spending that time as half the couple we could be makes me sick. And we can do better than Pizza hut. We have actually tried a romantic bath. Candles, bubbles, music, the whole shebang... It was really nice for a while, until the weather became the lasting, dominate conversation topic. Seriously, the weather... . A massage is a really good idea though. I have thought about it in the past but never acted.

I've had romantic times with my boyfriend where we talked about mundane things as well. If you aren't willing to accept that he's not as romantic as you and compromise, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

I have also tried to eliminated the need for mind reading by, on occasion, flat out telling him what I wanted or needed. Somehow that didn't get through and we were back to square one what seemed like hours later.

Does he generally forget what you say or only on certain things?

The problem isn't all with the lack of romance either. It spans into the reality that there is no variety. If we are having sex, I am getting fucked, If I am not getting fucked, we are not having sex. When he/we are done he disappears behind his computer for a few hours. If we go out to eat it is a choice between 3 or 4 places.

Have you talked to him about your dissatisfaction with sex or how you feel when he goes away for a few hours afterwards?

As far as the food goes, he may not be an adventurous eater and that may be something you'll just have to live with.

Good luck and start talking to him about some of these issues so you can sort out the relationship.

 

[eikapika]

An unromantic in a relationship with a romantic here (though not as bad). Can you elaborate on your efforts to up the romance? Have you told him you don't think he's interested in you and hinted/threatened to break up/yell about extreme unhappiness? If you have, and that did nothing, maybe there's something wrong. Some guys are just lazy/complacent and have to be kept on their toes.

 

[Jacob89]

@ Altlover85

There are many occasions where the two of us have a great time talking about, well, nothing. But I have yet to experience the romantic side of mundane.

Also, I have accepted that he is not as romantic as me, obviously, but I hate to think that he has no romance in him what so ever. Even if that is where the evidence leads me. A compromise would be great but usually when we debate over something I have to give in or else neither of us will be happy. I don't want that to happen with this. I will not gracefully ink the loss of romantic hope down with the rest of the battles I've lost.

Regarding the dissatisfaction with our sex life... That was one of the few things I flat out told him, including suggestions on how to resolve the issue. It was a 15-20 minute conversation. And the very next time we had sex it was back to same old same old. He doesn't forget everything I say but it is quite often that he doesn't care to pay attention to begin with.

@ Eikapika

The bath was one example of a failed romance booster. Another occurred last V-day when I decorated the entire bedroom. Picture red satin sheets, rose pedals, candles, classical music, mood lighting, the whole nine yards. Yet another example happened a couple months ago. I booked a decent hotel room and surprised him with a weekend away. Just the two of us (and a few bottles of wine).

But as of yet there has been no yelling and no threats of breaking up. Mostly because that is the last thing I want.

 

[altlover85]

But as of yet there has been no yelling and no threats of breaking up. Mostly because that is the last thing I want.

You have two options then. You can put up with it and be unhappy or you can end the relationship and get the romance you deserve with someone who pays attention to what you have to say.

What is keeping you in the relationship and why don't you want to be single?

 

[Jerry1875]

I need some relationship advice guys...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, that's three anniversaries (as of two nights ago). And so far the most romantic of the 3 was the first, when we ordered a large peperoni from Pizza Hut and watched whatever movie was on TV that night... Oh and that was the day after our anniversary because he forgot and "made it up to me the next night." A week later we did the same thing because he was tired after work and "didn't feel like doing anything special that night."

I consider myself to be a very romantic man. Not so much the lovey dovey flowers and poem crap, but the candle lit bedroom and some soft music type of romantic... I know, I know, its a fine line. The point is that the word romantic does not exist in his dictionary, and it needs to! I have tried, God knows I've tried to spark some romantic interest in him in the past but it never became a flame. Hell, the best part of any evening we have together is going to sleep simply because that's when we get to cuddle for a few minutes before he passes out and starts to snore.

This probably qualifies as more of a rant than seeking advice because Im not sure that anything can be done to improve the situation. An outside perspective usually helps but Im not expecting miracle posts from you guys.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

- Jake

sounds like a normal relationship to me I was with some one for 20 years SOS