New to same-sex stuff...

[mbamike]

This being popular does not make it right.



He made a VOW, on his honour, to forsake all others for his wife. We didn't make the vow on his behalf. He has imposed his own moral code on himself and should honour it himself. If he cannot uphold his own moral code, the honourable thing to do is to dissolve the contract BEFORE breaking the code. Marriage, as far as I am aware, is a legal contract.

People who break legal contracts tend to come under a shedload of fire from the people with whom the contract is shared; this case should be no different.



This is not a no-flame zone. The OP certainly got criticism; we have not rejected him.



He will find plenty of support here; however, supporting him is not simply agreeing with what has been done. JUB is not a place full of yes-men for hire.

I also think that cheating on his wife is not best for her. While the big picture for all of us may be coming to terms with our own sexuality, I personally think the honourable way to do so would involve as little collateral damage as possible.

My mother was cheated on, several times, by my father. I cannot in good conscience encourage the OP to continue experimenting outside his marriage while he is still in it unless he has his wife's consent to do so.

-d-

His vow is none of our business. It is between him and his wife. If he chooses to break that vow, then he must suffer the consequences.

If you are opposed to married guys having sex outside of their marriage, then don't hook up with married guys.

If you cannot offer a word of advice or encouragement to a fellow LGBT, then don't say anything at all! Life is difficult enough just being gay/bi in a homophobic society.

No one died and made us the moral police!

 

[Angelos]

Nobody says its easy !!! Hang in there, you will find your way.

 

[blackbeltninja]

His vow is none of our business. It is between him and his wife. If he chooses to break that vow, then he must suffer the consequences.

This IS one of the consequences - people like me bitching about it.

If you cannot offer a word of advice or encouragement to a fellow LGBT, then don't say anything at all!

Hang on.

How is saying "dude, don't cheat on your wife" a bad thing?

I'm encouraging the OP to do the right and honourable thing which is to talk to his wife about it and get permission to play around, or get out of the relationship. That is my advice. There is absolutely no need to torture the woman; nor to lie to her.

Again, one can be completely supportive here without simply agreeing that what has been done is 100% okay and/or 100% right. I can't believe you don't see that, especially as a guy who was married to a woman. I'm beginning to wonder if your vocal agreement is because you did something similar.

-d-

 

[shy-bi-guy]

Okay, so I kind of thought this would die down after a while but I think it's crazy that everyone's fighting over it.

I totally understand and respect that people are put off by the cheating thing and I have no problem with people calling me out on it. I had been perfectly faithful to the woman who is now my wife for 7 years before this month and so I'm as ashamed of myself for cheating as anyone. I think I deserve to be called out on it and part of the reason I even mentioned I was married is because I think it's relevant to the kind of responses I was hoping to get.

I just have to say something for myself though: I would love nothing more than to be able to come out to my wife and I think if I could have done that, I wouldn't have cheated. But my wife has anxiety disorders and I have had to deal with her trust issues for years. One time in college I called her after I got out of a class instead of before I went to the class and we fought for two hours because she took it as a sign that I didn't really love her. If she knew I liked men, she would never trust me to have any private life at all because she would see anyone I wanted to spend time with as a threat to her. And that's part of why I cracked, because she's always held me to such a ridiculously high standard that I couldn't live up to it anymore. During our engagement I had to pay about $1000 in therapy for her because of her clinical anxiety over not believing I really loved her. She doesn't like me to have friends of my own because when I spend time with other people instead of with her she thinks that means I like them more than her, so she prefers me just to hang out with her friends. Before we were married it wasn't so bad because we didn't live together and I still had a life of my own, but after we got married I completely lost all sense of my own identity and even then I felt like I can't share all of myself with her because she'll reject me. It's a really huge burden and I handled it wrongly.

Honestly, by this point, I really don't intend to cheat on her again. I came to the forum because I realized my sexual identity crisis had surfaced in a really self-destructive way and I needed feedback. I appreciate the feedback I got.

But I think what made this situation with the guy I hooked up with so painful is that he hasn't treated me with the dignity even to acknowledge my existence. I don't care that he didn't really want to hook up again. Honestly, I expected it and I was surprised when he said he wanted to do it again sometime. What shocked me is that someone would lead me on like that and then just pretend like I'm a cipher who doesn't exist. It's so dehumanizing to know that the only person I opened up this side of myself to is out there and he just looked at my emails and said to himself, "Oh fuck it's that closeted loser who gave me a bad bj. *Delete*"

I would have expected that from some people, but it's sad to know that a guy who I know considers himself a real champion for gay rights and helping troubled teens find themselves and whatever just tosses me aside like some kleenex he wiped his cum on.

 

[blackbeltninja]

^Unfortunately, such is the nature of hook-ups. Very few people are brave enough to tell the truth in person and prefer to disappear and never respond.

-d-

 

[Ironman092164]

The sad but true thing about internet hookups is that far too many guys are content to hook up just one time and then just disappear. I wouldn't read too much into the "why" of it. Since it was your first time it was special to you, and you'll always remember it. If he's a guy who's had a lot of partners, he's probably just ready to move onto the next conquest. The courteous thing would be for him to at least acknowledge your e-mail and politely let you know he's not interested, but society is not always so courteous in the cyber age. If you continue doing this kind if thing, get used to being "deleted" and "ignored". I sympathize with your situation, and wish you nothing but the best.

 

[mbamike]

But I think what made this situation with the guy I hooked up with so painful is that he hasn't treated me with the dignity even to acknowledge my existence. I don't care that he didn't really want to hook up again. Honestly, I expected it and I was surprised when he said he wanted to do it again sometime. What shocked me is that someone would lead me on like that and then just pretend like I'm a cipher who doesn't exist. It's so dehumanizing to know that the only person I opened up this side of myself to is out there and he just looked at my emails and said to himself, "Oh fuck it's that closeted loser who gave me a bad bj. *Delete*"

I would have expected that from some people, but it's sad to know that a guy who I know considers himself a real champion for gay rights and helping troubled teens find themselves and whatever just tosses me aside like some kleenex he wiped his cum on.

Shy, this is the nature of hookups. Two guys come together to enjoy sex, then part ways to never see one another again. There are a few exceptions though.

I have had some guys who wanted to hookup again. I have had guys who became fuck buddies. I have had guys who eventually became friends. It really depends on the guy.

Since this guy is ignoring you, he does not wish to pursue any type of friendship with you. So, just move on with your life.

 

[sixthson]

Shy bi, your last post is why I have empathy for you. It is not easy to be bi or gay. Maybe even more difficult to be bi. I don't know anything about hook up sites, but I don't think you should take this hurt upon yourself. This is not about you being rejected, this is about him being an asshole. Maybe this is just what guys in these kinds of places do?

I suspect this is not just about sex for you. This is about you wanting some kind of intimacy with another guy, too, and you being able to be who you are.

I am glad to hear you say your relationship with your wife is your most important one.

Good luck, we know it is not easy.

 

[KevLINY]

Okay, so I kind of thought this would die down after a while but I think it's crazy that everyone's fighting over it.

I totally understand and respect that people are put off by the cheating thing and I have no problem with people calling me out on it. I had been perfectly faithful to the woman who is now my wife for 7 years before this month and so I'm as ashamed of myself for cheating as anyone. I think I deserve to be called out on it and part of the reason I even mentioned I was married is because I think it's relevant to the kind of responses I was hoping to get.

I just have to say something for myself though: I would love nothing more than to be able to come out to my wife and I think if I could have done that, I wouldn't have cheated. But my wife has anxiety disorders and I have had to deal with her trust issues for years. One time in college I called her after I got out of a class instead of before I went to the class and we fought for two hours because she took it as a sign that I didn't really love her. If she knew I liked men, she would never trust me to have any private life at all because she would see anyone I wanted to spend time with as a threat to her. And that's part of why I cracked, because she's always held me to such a ridiculously high standard that I couldn't live up to it anymore. During our engagement I had to pay about $1000 in therapy for her because of her clinical anxiety over not believing I really loved her. She doesn't like me to have friends of my own because when I spend time with other people instead of with her she thinks that means I like them more than her, so she prefers me just to hang out with her friends. Before we were married it wasn't so bad because we didn't live together and I still had a life of my own, but after we got married I completely lost all sense of my own identity and even then I felt like I can't share all of myself with her because she'll reject me. It's a really huge burden and I handled it wrongly.

Honestly, by this point, I really don't intend to cheat on her again. I came to the forum because I realized my sexual identity crisis had surfaced in a really self-destructive way and I needed feedback. I appreciate the feedback I got.

But I think what made this situation with the guy I hooked up with so painful is that he hasn't treated me with the dignity even to acknowledge my existence. I don't care that he didn't really want to hook up again. Honestly, I expected it and I was surprised when he said he wanted to do it again sometime. What shocked me is that someone would lead me on like that and then just pretend like I'm a cipher who doesn't exist. It's so dehumanizing to know that the only person I opened up this side of myself to is out there and he just looked at my emails and said to himself, "Oh fuck it's that closeted loser who gave me a bad bj. *Delete*"

I would have expected that from some people, but it's sad to know that a guy who I know considers himself a real champion for gay rights and helping troubled teens find themselves and whatever just tosses me aside like some kleenex he wiped his cum on.

Ok, I know this isn't really the type of advice you are looking for, but here goes anyway....

Your wife sounds like a classic abuser. She's manipulating you, dedicated to controlling all aspects of your life, isolating you from your friends, etc.

Frankly, I think $1000 wasn't enough for therapy for her, and you need to go yourself. Her behavior isn't an excuse to cheat, in fact you might as well have poured gasoline all over your relationship that is waiting for the match that her finding out will prove to be. I'd take it more as a sign that you're not getting what you want or deserve out of the relationship.

You need to find out why you let yourself be controlled--and for f-ck's sake you ain't gonna find affection through internet hook ups. Guys looking for hook ups are the last place to find affection / a longer term connection.

Good luck.

 

[terps420]

In my honest opinion, he probably said that because its what's expected. It's just one of those things you say, like "I had fun" after a mediocre date, or "it was nice meeting you" to a friend of a friend that you genuinely feel indifferent about and spent literally 2 seconds of thought on.

Unless there was some strong physical connection to overshadow your awkwardness and sexual inexperience (aka you both were exceptionally attracted to each other), there probably is no reason for him to want to continue your rendezvous. This is just another (gay) version of "he's just not that (sexually) into you."

I know, it sucks feeling used.

You should probably do something about the wife though. From what you've mentioned, the baggage she's got is past the point of no return. Life is short brother; if you're cheating, she's... as you described her, and there are no children involved, I'd honestly consider going rogue. Just something to think about.

 

[Ephemeral]

So would he get the same response if he came here crying about his wife cheating on him with another woman? That it's okay since she was exploring her sexuality?

 

[lfcda]

I think that blackbeltninja is totally right. Make the break, move on and start being the real you!

 

[Yves Grey]

For what little it's worth, it used to bother me when people weren't as fastidious in keeping their word or tagging me back as I tend to be. I make a point of doing so, because I believe it is respectful. Consequently, I tend to expect the same in return.

Nevertheless, as I have become more and more professional, it has finally settled in just how busy and preoccupied people can be, and not only professionally.

Maybe it's worth a thought. I dunno. At any rate, I hope you get what you want out of it.

 

[Ninja108]

THis is my take. Slowly but surely you are exploring your sexuality and discovering that perhaps you like men more.
Those feelings won't go away and while it is nice to be concerned about your wife,you would be further off to do yourselves both a favor by cutting ties now.

 

[lostsoul]

wow, I made one post thread so far.Now i see what the moral police are. Fine.

I am a 50 yo man, exploring my sexuality, I do have wife's permission.
It looks like shy bi has a very complicated life.

Shy, I have met guys from the dating sites. 99 percent of them are just looking to get off. They dont follow up with another date. It has been very disappointing for me.

I do find it rather funny when non married people have so much to say about marriage.

 

[BlueEyedGuy]

His vow is none of our business. It is between him and his wife. If he chooses to break that vow, then he must suffer the consequences.

If you are opposed to married guys having sex outside of their marriage, then don't hook up with married guys.

If you cannot offer a word of advice or encouragement to a fellow LGBT, then don't say anything at all! Life is difficult enough just being gay/bi in a homophobic society.

No one died and made us the moral police!

I couldn't agree with you more... There are endless situations that people get themselves into for many reasons because of the homophobic env we live in.. Fortunately I came out at 21 after a 3 yr relationship with a girl and have been partnered with a guy ever since.. My struggle has always been that I wanted kids but didn't want to betray a woman just to fulfill that so I've had to give that desire up and that's not been easy..

 

[clicker]

Hey, this may seem really stupid, but here goes anyway.

I'm a married 20 something who recently decided to try out my bi side. I found a guy over the internet I hooked up with and when we were done I was worried I had been so awkward he wouldn't want to see me again, but he actually made a point of saying we should do it again sometime. So then a few days later I emailed him asking if he wanted to hook up again sometime and I haven't heard back from him in a few days.

I haven't even been on the "dating" scene for several years, and I've never really done something with a guy before, so I don't know if "hey we should do this again sometime" is just something he said when we were done and that's it? If he doesn't respond to my emails, should I read something into that or am I being too impatient?

I realize that basically this situation is so generic that no one will really have any good advice for me, but I still wonder what's been other people's experience with this kind of thing. I don't want to send the guy countless emails and come across as a creep (I've only sent two) if he's just going to ignore them forever. But I also felt like he really meant that he wanted to hook up again sometime and it surprises me he hasn't responded, even if he just responds back he's not interested.

Do people regularly just hook up and then just totally ignore the guy they hooked up with? Do people often say things like "We should do this again" without really meaning it? How much should I try to contact this guy vs. just letting it go?

I'm so accustomed to women being kind of clingy and needy that I don't really know what I should be expecting from a one time sexual encounter with a man.

Shy Bi Guy, be honest withg your wife. Though she doesn't sound like a good partner for you, you may still be able to save your marriage and she might accept and allow your bisexual needs. Be careful, get therapy for you both if necesarry. I sense you're a decent guy, and please know youre not alone. We'vee all had bad hookup experiences.

 

[dd788snipe]

Shy Bi Guy, be honest withg your wife. Though she doesn't sound like a good partner for you, you may still be able to save your marriage and she might accept and allow your bisexual needs. Be careful, get therapy for you both if necesarry. I sense you're a decent guy, and please know youre not alone. We'vee all had bad hookup experiences.

This is a really old thread.