New to the game..HELP.

[Texas11]

Im 20, consider myself straight but do get off very often thinking about hooking up with guys. Although when im out on campus or in public i dont see a guy and think "oh hes hot" or anything like that. Similarly, i dont think id ever be in a relationship with another guy; i think its a purely sexual ambition. To describe my thinking i completely separate sex and relationships. I dont consider a person gay because he has sex with men, its the relationship aspect which i believe makes it definitive. Either way its indifferent to me but im attempting through this to make sense of my attraction. These last statements were in no way an attempt offend anyone, just to better help anyone who feels like responding understand my situation.

I've only had one gay experience back in high school, i was like 15 at the time.. Met a guy online who l lived in my area, he came over one day and we sucked each other off. Lasted like 5 minutes max and then we parted ways, i was uncomfortable and awkward after and i think he was as well. Right afterward i didnt want it to happen again and told myself that i had experimented and now its over but since then when i think about hooking up again with guys i get turned on and want it to happen again. I've used places like craigslist to try and find ways to make it happen again but without the personal connection, i.e. gloryhole, understall, which is also a kinda taboo turn on for me (im super kinky when it comes to taboo situations and its always about doing something taboo with another man), because i believed that was just my downfall, im not actually into men, i just like sex and especially the taboo in general no matter who its with. My situation is this, i repeatedly turn to men to get off but ive never actually hooked up since my first encounter. I attempt to and put myself out there but either chicken out of find some excuse to get out of it yet an hour later im back getting off to ads on craigslist and thinking about sucking cock.

Any suggestions to help me either get over this or (what i hope) get some dick in me? Haha

 

[Texas11]

just realized i probably posted this in the wrong section... my bad, im not really a forum regular

 

[Texas11]

Thanks. Yah i just began typing and forgot where i had originally been viewing heh.

 

[Texas11]

Thank you for the welcome. But to try and answer your question, im not sure. I know i like the idea, ive been delaying sleep looking around this site for the last few hours and have got off to pictures of cock a few times. What i cannot answer is if the actual hooking up will be something i enjoy because i havnt really had the experience.

 

[HornyHenry]

Often when I see some dude that looks interesting I think of how well he could suck my cock and whether or not he'd swallow my load or how tight his ass would be.
A few of the bottoms I fucked said they see a man and their thoughts turn to the man's cock and how the man would fuck them or let use their mouths.
The best way to get some dick in you might be to go to a known gay venue such as the baths or a sex club if there's any. The bar rags usually have ads for the baths and the cost seems reasonable. Most masculine men would enjoy making love to you. If you're a virgin look for a Top with a small cock and be sure he uses plenty of water-based lube on his condomed dick.

 

[Seasoned]

I want to welcome you and offer you some support. Private message me anytime. I've seen stories similar to yours here with some pretty strongly worded responses.

I can relate to what you wrote. I was married to a woman and I have children. My experience is mine alone, as yours is yours alone. The difficult thing is that we each come to the acceptance of our sexual identity alone. Some here might try to tell you who you are, but they can't. The possibilities, however, are finite. As you are thinking gay, straight or bi I'd like to throw something else in the mix.

Like you, but unlike most people, I don't believe that who you have sex with makes you gay, straight or bi. There are gay guys who have never had sex with a man and there are straight guys who haven't had sex with a woman. There are the added factors of homophobia and heterosexism to consider. Because I was able to have sex with a woman I decided to live straight because I thought it would be easier.

There is also one other issue that I am aware of. I have met sex addicts who are straight but only act out with men. I know many people would argue with me and my beliefs, but what I describe makes sense to me. Sometimes we try to simplify things and rush to catagorize things to make ourselves comfortable. Black and white thinking leaves out all nuance, which can be restricting and frustrating.

The bottom line is you already are who you are, sexually speaking. You need some help exploring that, and there are different ways to do it. I'd suggest , for now, using the intellectual approach as you are now doing. It's going to require honesty and fearlessness as you factor in those elements of homophobia, heterosexism and addiction.

Feel free to contact me and remember this about advice from anyone: take what you like and leave the rest. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for someone else. Good luck to you.

 

[andy12]

Im 20, consider myself straight

I dont consider a person gay because he has sex with men, its the relationship aspect which i believe makes it definitive.

yet an hour later im back getting off to ads on craigslist and thinking about sucking cock.

1. Fucking someone is a relationship, albeit shorter than cuddling afterwards and realizing what a giant homo you are.

2. You're afraid of being perceived as not straight so you go for discreet encounters, and even chicken out of those presumably because you feel you can't hide your shame enough.

3. Your definition of "gay" is conveniently egocentric in that it's excludes you. Why would you care if others thought you were gay? Would you care if someone called you right-/left-hand? If there's no problem with being gay, why do you go to lengths to define yourself out of it? Not many straight guys are "thinking about sucking cock."

4. You owe it to yourself not be a sad little closet case who's wasting his time trolling Craigslist, pretending that 5 minutes of gay fucking is not gay because the magical threshold of gayness is 6 minutes of gay hand holding in public.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, well – if all you want is advice on how to get a hook up, that’s pretty easy. If you’re asking us how to get over wanting a hook up with a guy, well, no one in here ever got over it, so we’re probably the wrong people to ask.

We don’t know if you’re gay/bi/straight. You’re the only person who has that answer. What we can do is give you the benefit of our collective experience of being gay, bi, closeted, out, the things we saw, the guys we knew, and the situations that presented themselves.

So here’s what I think. No straight guy is so motivated by a passing curiosity that he comes in here asking us for advice. So you are probably bi or gay – and that’s fine.

It’s certainly not the first time that we’ve all heard what you’re saying, in fact it’s pretty common.

Unfortunately words mean things. Straight DOES NOT mean a guy who's only sexually attracted to other guys but only dates women. Straight does not mean a guy who sleeps with both and only dates women. One of those is gay and closeted, the other is bi.

You can tell yourself that sex with men doesn’t make you gay/bi, and there are certainly people in here who’ll second that, or tell you “labels don’t matter,” (we’ll pass over why I think that is) but really, labels do matter and there’s no gay guy on the planet who’ll say that a sexual attraction to men isn’t part of being gay.

Because it is. That simple. The labels we use to describe sexual attraction are pretty comprehensive, and unless you’re into the dead or sheep – gay/bi/straight. Pretty much covers it all.

So why do guys have a problem with that? Because guys who don’t want to be associated with a “label,” are really looking to distance themselves from what the label says about them.

No one who is very secure about their sexuality cares if someone accurately says they’re gay, or bi, or straight. You shouldn’t care either. More importantly you need to get to place where you can accurately describe yourself.

If you are attracted to both genders then you’re bi. That’s fine. If you’re sexually attracted to men, then you’re gay. That's fine. Being associated with words that describe either of those accurate definitions of sexual possibility only matters if we have our own issues with ourselves.

The people who really don’t care about labels are the people who aren’t afraid of what the labels say about them. Just like straight people. You will never hear a straight person say that sleeping with women doesn’t make them straight. Never. Ever. They aren’t afraid of the label.

Why does this matter? Because if you really are bi or gay – and I suspect you are, you can spend a lot of your life running from dealing with yourself, and hiding in justifications, and cause yourself far more pain than if you sit down, and say to yourself – OK, here I am, this is what I feel, I’m either bi or gay, I need to figure out which.

Then you do something about it – and it’s going to be scary, and you need to be careful, but you can then leave the baroque qualifications and contradictory justification (sleeping with men doesn't mean you're gay) to other people, and move on with your life.

We are all in here to help you if you want it.

 

[Texas11]

I appreciate the responses. Im just exploring the idea and situation and each response has been worth reading.
Thanks

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

The mistake that many people make is to try to turn their sexuality into a multiple choice test of gay or straight. It's not one or the other. There's alot of shades of gray in between the two extremes.

The question for you is whether you want to continue to indulge in dick fantasies and gay porn or whether you're compelled to actually be sexual with other men.

Either is fine. The only issue there seems to be is that you're making very clear distinctions between sexuality and intimacy.

You've discussed men... what are your relationships with women like? Do you date women? Do you have sex with women? If yes, are you satisfied with sexual encounters with women?

 

[andy12]

The labels we use to describe sexual attraction are pretty comprehensive, and unless you’re into the dead or sheep – gay/bi/straight. Pretty much covers it all.

So why do guys have a problem with that? Because guys who don’t want to be associated with a “label,” are really looking to distance themselves from what the label says about them.

I would absolutely disagree that it's comprehensive. It focuses on genitalia to the exclusion of everything else. I like boobs, I like pussy. I don't like the personality that comes attached to them most of the time. Dicks by themselves aren't interesting either. My last boyfriend was effeminate enough so that the relationship became uncomfortably heterosexual-ish for me. So what am I?

Now, friends have told others friends in my company I'm gay. I didn't want to get into Queer Theory 101 so I left it at that but if anyone inquired I would tell them as much as they wanted to know. I have accepted that others will see me as gay and don't have an issue with it, but that doesn't mean I think it's a particularly good fit.

I think a lot of the self-hating whatevers we find here and real life don't like the labels not just they have been told how awful the gays are. The labels are very restrictive and focus on a single thing (do you like penises beside your own?) to the exclusion of every other characteristic.

If you are attracted to both genders then you’re bi. That’s fine. If you’re sexually attracted to men, then you’re gay. That's fine. Being associated with words that describe either of those accurate definitions of sexual possibility only matters if we have our own issues with ourselves.

I can be attracted to some men. I can be attracted to some women. There are certain traits I'm attracted to in a person. The genitalia are not on that list.

No one who is very secure about their sexuality cares if someone accurately says they’re gay, or bi, or straight. You shouldn’t care either. More importantly you need to get to place where you can accurately describe yourself.

I agree with the the first part, but I don't feel the words we have help people to get to that place as quickly as possible.

 

[somedude987]

Pretty similar to me and I also worry that's my downfall. I think one of my big issues is that despite my attempts to separate sex and relationships in my head, I'm not ready for casual sex. It's simply too intimate for me to do with a stranger. And if you can't be comfortable then it's hard to focus on having fun.