New to the scene and in love

[collegeguy]

Long time reader, first time poster:

My current boyfriend and I met a year ago online. We are both in college, he's 21, and I'm 24, at the same university, but enrolled in the graduate school. Anyways, we met 1 year ago online, just as a fling and we haven't left each other's side since then. I have had relationships with women, I have said "I love you to women", but what I feel for him is something I have never felt before. I was amazed about how easy it was just to fall completely to each other. He tells me that he has never felt this way about anybody before, and cannot imagine his life now without me. I really am blessed to have something so great

Now, its not all happy-endings. I can tell living the double life weighs on him, most of my friends have gone and I focus on work and studies, but my boy is in the middle of his senior year of college living a big lie. We have always agreed that we are both too young and too new to the gay scene to be exclusive, we both have had casual hook-ups, but are always up front and honest to each other, hiding things and going behind each others' back to check texts and bull-shit are recipes for disaster. I am OK with the seeing other people, because I know he cares and am confident in us to know he would not hurt me, and other people cannot give him what I can; that is us. I graduate (again) in May, and he still has another semester. I want to start a life with him, I just don't know if he is ready, I would stay around and wait for him to graduate, because I love him, and I love us. But if he is not sure what he wants, I don't want to wait around for nothing.

I am confident in us, but I admit, I do get jealous from time to time if he spends an evening at another boy's place. I guess I am most anxious about the "unknowns", what if he meets someone, what if he isn't sure, what if what if etc....I also hope and believe that him seeing other people will realize he doesn't want to lose me. I am not saying we are going to be together forever and all that, but we got a great, amazing thing, why not just enjoy it?

Any comments would be appreciated, and yes we are both completely straight-acting, active in Greek life at a large Midwestern University, with a good basketball team.

Thanks bros

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Idk dude, if you both know you have something great, why would you both agree that you are too young and too new to the gay scene to be exclusive? Why not take your relationship to the next level? You never know what could happen, but writing off your options doesn't help. You could both end up with something amazing.

I'm not saying ya gotta get down on one knee right now, but a LTR could develop into that if that's what you really want.

 

[collegeguy]

Thanks dude, I appreciate your take on things. We both are just new to the scene and just seeing what else is out there, not like, I'm in this relationship until something gets better. I don't think either of us were expecting to fall so hard for each other, before I met him, I never contemplated dating a guy. And I get some 6'0 furry wonderful dude in my life, where we make each other happy. Perhaps we are both anxious about being in a committed relationship, doesn't mean we don't love each other the same.

We take things on a day by day basis, and try to keep things as simple as effing possible in our crazy lives. This may very well be my first, REAL LTR, who knows....I kinda hope

 

[Seasoned]

It seems as though you've got a bit of talking to do with your bf. Don't hold up your life waiting if it's going to lead to resentment. You both have some developing to do, like coming out and learning that terms like "straight acting" aren't helping that development. It ought to be a live and let live world. I always smile when I see or hear that term imagining what straight acting behavior the guys do in the bedroom.

My advice is to explore life with other gay guys.

 

[collegeguy]

The term straight acting is my no means supposed to be an insult, or an act for that matter. Both of us just tend to have more things in common with out hetero friends than with gays. No big deal, just how we are.

I agree that we should explore life with other gay guys, and part of the seeing other people is to meet to people, new friends, and such. It is difficult however, when living in such a small college town.

From time to time, my boy has a lot bearing down on him, and I can tell its overwhelming, dealing with living a double life a so forth, sure coming out might be an easy fix, but I don't think its something that should be forced, it will happen when we are ready. I do also know that I tend to exaggerate things, and can also add stress to his life. Everyone needs their time and space, I get that. We have a long winter break, and we will be apart for more than 3 weeks, I hope in that time he gets the solace he has been looking for, and when I come back he'll just be so ready and happy to see me (not that he isn't now)

I'm just so happy right now, and never really thought I could feel this happy. I think we are in the beginning of something great.

Thanks again dudes!

 

[Seasoned]

Messaging isn't the same as having a conversation. I set out some guideposts I think you should watch for. I am all about coming out in one's good time, but also want to point out that once a person is ready and able to do that life can become much easier. The sad thing us that you two aren't the only guys on campus going through this. Homophobia can keep us prisoners. How sad.

I do wish you both well and hope the New Year is grand for you both. Enjoy your break.

 

[TX-Beau]

What seasoned was getting at was that "straight acting," is indicative of a mindset that's preventing you from being out.

Why? Because at root that attitude is based on distancing you from gay guys, discomfort with "obviously gay," and attempts to apply a distinction between you and "them." In effect you're trying to tell people your not GAY gay, just a regular straight guy who happens to like guys.

This attitude is extremely common in a certain type of guy (myself included) at the beginning of the coming out process.

I told myself that for awhile, before it dawned on me what a useless label it was, and that no one cared but me and other guys with the same issues. It can and does isolate you from guys who might be helpful or good friends.

It is in fact insulting - intended or not - to a lot of gay guys, because it assumes that masculine and regular guys are associated with straight, which is kind of bull shit, and that gay is effeminate and not something "regular guys" find acceptable in themselves. You may not mean to insult, but the fact that you apply that to yourself, pretty much means you don't yet get why other guys are going to take issue with it.

I have every confidence you will get there, I grew out of saying things like that, and since I'm no genius, I have faith for everybody!

Every gay guy with straight friends has things in common with the straight guys - eslewise, they wouldn't be friends.

If you are dating and fucking guys, there's nothing straight acting about you, the only behaviors straight guys have in common, is that they fuck and date women.

/end lecture.

OK, you are going to come out when you do, but you know, that doesn't mean that there is some magical day you wake up and think:

"...OH my god! it's time..." People start coming out when they start dealing with the issues in their heads and this usually happens organically as your closeted existence starts to become unbearable. But there's no guarantee you'll follow the path out. Some guys are simply too afraid for what ever reason, some guys are so repressed they run the other way. If they never confront their own issues, they never come out. It's not easy, it's scary, and it takes work. The sooner you start confronting whatever is in your head that's keeping you there, and the justifications you're using (we all had justifications - and they defend themselves) to quicker you'll go. Remember, the older you get, the harder it becomes.

And that really is the crux of your problem. You don't have a relationship if you aren't out, you just have fucking and hiding. If you want to keep this guy, you both are going to have to work on coming out. Without that, everything else is moot.

If you just want to continue on as you are, and your concern is that you think he might walk, well, that you have to work through by talking with him - and no text won't cut it, you'll have to do it in person.

But I've got to tell ya, two closeted guys where you both are mentally probably aren't going to find that an easy conversation to have.

Back when I was in college, calling myself SA/SA (even though I was out at the time,) I wouldn't have wanted to deal with conversations about a possible extremely GAY, no possibility of justifying it - everyone is going to call it GAY kind of future.

Perhaps neither of you are really ready for planning or doing long term just now, you both have a lot on your plates.

I'd wing it and reassess when some other things were over (like graduation.) You're both really young and have plenty of time.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

I agree with Seasoned and TX-Beau's previous comments.

Also a question...exactly HOW out are you two? Do either of your parents know? Siblings? Best friends? I don't see any specificity.

It makes sense if your bf's completely closeted, especially if he's in a frat. Coming out in the frat environment can be scary, but hopefully the sense of brotherhood outweighs the potential ignorance.

I'm in college too, and recently out. Not in a frat but I know how those guyz are; a very "macho" environment. TX-Beau makes a very good point about how personal issues affect your coming out process. The frat fear could be a potential issue that prevents him from coming out, which could indicate fear of not being accepted in general. Dealing with those issues could help you be more comfortable with yourself and himself as gay men. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I should let you answer first, hahaa.

Also, about the "straight-acting" thing, IMO, i feel like using the terms "masculine" and "feminine" are more descriptive of behavior and inoffensive too.