Newbie needs advice

[groosalugg5]

My Best Friend (Part 1)

I have been best friends with this guy for three years. About three years ago we met as co-workers and eventually started hanging out outside of work. He would make comments that made me think he was coming on to me but I didn't know if he was kidding or not until one night we ended up messing around in his car.

We've been messing around for three years now and in those three years neither one of us have been in a relationship (with a guy or a girl because we are still attracted to females and nobody knows about us). One day I check my best friend's profile on a popular social networking site and I see that he changed his profile to say that he's not single. That's when I realized I did like him..and more than I thought.

Later that day he called me and asked me if I noticed anything on his page. I tried to play it off but eventually admitted I noticed that he was in a relationship. He surprised me by telling me that I was the person he was in a relationship with. I agreed that I would like to be in a relationship and we said we'd talk about it later.

The next time I talked to him he said he met a weird guy at the store and they exchanged phone numbers. He said the guy wanted to take him out to eat and wnted my advice. Of course I said no. I said "What kind of boyfriend goes out on a date with another man?" He said he didn't think it was a date....the guy was almost old enough to be his father. My best friend is 21. The other guy's age is a mystery to me but he has a 15 year old son and two other children and is divorced.

Needless to say my best friend/boyfriend ended up going to the strange guy's house and they ordered food, but nothing happened. The next day the guy took him a decently priced restaurant and this time they went to my boyfriend's(?) place. Older guy then started talking about all the things he wanted to do with my friend and all the things he wanted him to do to him, but nothing happened that night. The next night night I went to see my boyfriend(?) and he told me what happened the night before. I was upset. He said he would call him and put him on speakerphone to let me hear Older Guy's voice. While my boyfriend(?) was on the phone talking to Older Guy(who obviously liked him) and setting up plans for later that night, I started rubbing on him to get his attention. When that didn't work out as planned I went in through the bottom of his shorts with my hand and started playing with his dick. This was starting to work. I then pulled it out and started sucking on it. Just as I thought things were looking up the phone conversation ended and he got up. I asked him if he would at least take off his shirt and he turned that down. So I asked him to let me know what happened.

 

[G-Lexington]

My advice? You may be in the wrong forum.

Lex

 

[groosalugg5]

My Best Friend (Part 2)

The next day, after getting no sleep whatsoever I called my boyfriend(?) to see what happened. He told me that they kissed. It was clear that I was slowly being phased out... I mean he rejected me the day before and made out with a guy he just met. Of course it all went downhill from there.....handjobs, blowjobs, taking showers, you name it. My friend did let me spend the night that week though, but separated us by sheets and pillows. He got upset when he woke up in the middle of the night and I was holding him.

One night I went to visit my friend and Older Guy was there. They were eating. The guy was a nice guy (of course he didn't know our history). I did notice small things like the way my friend looked at the guy, the way the drank after each other (after knowing each other about a week)....I even heard them kiss in the kitchen when they were alone. That's when I knew it was time to go.
Later, I sent a text message to my friend saying that he could do better (with me). Older guy saw the message and got upset. He looked at older text messages I sent and knew that I had some kind of a history with my friend.

The next day my friend came over to talk about what happened the night before. We ended up on my bed messing around. It was a little different though. He was holding back. Afterwards he said he felt guilty and that this couldn't happen again. Normally I would have just let him go altogether but he IS my best friend. I feel like I talk to him about anything and vice versa. I don't have many friends so I didn't want to let him go. I decided to stay friends and hope that one day he would see what a great guy I am.

I have run into Older Guy at uncomfortable times (midnight at my friend's place but it was innocent) and that brings us to now. I told my friend that it was killing me to have to sit back and watch him in his relationship and that I couldn't do it any longer. He told me that he was actually about to tell Older Guy that he thinks it's better if they take a break(because my friend has his eye on someone else). For a split second I thought it might have been me but that would have been too good to be true so I ask who. It's someone he knows from school. He said he was going to call Older Guy and suggest a break, and have schoolmate sleep over his place that night.

I need advice. This really is my best friend. I want to do what's best for me, but I don't want to lose our friendship...I value it too much. This break might be my chance to get in there and make my move but he says he thinks he only sees me as a friend. I asked him "Do I or do I not get you hard?" "You do" he replied, but I don't want a relationship with you. That's fine with me...I'll settle for best friends with benefits just give me something. Should I move on? Should I wait it out and see what happens with Schoolmate? It would be a serious blow to me if we stopped talking. I just wish he would give me a chance. He said he wouldn't rule it out completely.

 

[StlKj]

You say repeatedly that this is your best friend. Are you really HIS best friend? Because where I come from, this is not how one treats his best friend. It sounds like you were comfortable and convenient, and when he was ready to springboard into gay-world from bi-hood, he did--without you.

How much are you willing to get someone else's sloppy seconds? How ready are you to be the one he screws around with when there's no one else around, or when the other person is busy? How ready are you to lose all self-respect in order to be with him, knowing that if you have no respect for yourself, he'll have none for you?

It sounds like you're so busy trying to keep him, you're losing yourself. I'll let you figure out which one is harder to find once it's lost.

Good luck.

 

[groosalugg5]

Thanks..something to think about.

 

[StlKj]

Hey, Darlin', that came off way harsher than I thought it would while typing it. It does sound like you're both playing games with each other a little, but it's obvious you care about him. I just wanted you to think about what would really be best for you--having him any way you can, or not having him and keeping yourself.

 

[groosalugg5]

So it's been about a month and my friend is still seeing the older guy.....he's also seeing the classmate (as of recently). I told him about a month ago that I loved him and he handled it well....I told him I didn't know how much longer I could do this. Everybody involved in this is "in the closet." Older guy doesn't know about the classmate. The classmate does know about the older guy though.

Just wanted advice. I'm supposed to spend time with my friend tomorrow and I don't know what to say. Should I hang in there? I still feel something between us and I know he does too.....he's the closest thing I've had to a relationship. I don't really date. Do you think my friendship with him is healthy? Just last week he said he would come visit me but he didn't wanna cheat on his bf (and he is so go figure..) so he does still feel something for me. What should I do? Not only do I not date much but I don't have many friends.

 

[rareboy]

Do you think my friendship with him is healthy?

Every once in awhile someone can come up with a brand new fucked up version of 'friendship' and 'relationships'.

Yours is it for this week.

Make new friends.

This other guy is unreal.

 

[confusedboy23]

Remain friends with him if you get rid of those "feelings for him" inside of you. Otherwise, run!

I think it is bearable to live with a friend lying to me, although that itself is hurtful but I don't think I can handle a relationship where there is no honesty between the two involved.

It does sound like you do have deeper feelings for this guy than just plain friendship, you might want to consider a clean break, at least for a little while. That will give you time and space to just regain yourself, and reassess the whole thing.

 

[silentalk]

Something of this sort happened to me a few years back, the only different is, we are now best friends...

I don't know if this would work for you, but, after trying repeatedly to have him back, I let go of him and (although I was in the most miserable state) decided not to put the tiniest effort. He called me a couple of months later, and he was the one making the effort to fix things...

Let me tell you this, let him go, if he is truely your friend, he'll come back... otherwise, you deserve someone better... I know that doing this might hurt you A LOT, even make you feel totally lost, the pain might be more than you can bear, and it's ok to feel sad when these things happen...

The bottom of this is: it looks like he's been playing around a bit too much, I wouldn't accpet that and neither should any human being, including Older Guy and Classmate.

You are worth something more than all the money in the world, don't let anyone treat you less!

 

[youngnihilist]

Older guy is meddling in your world but not much you can do about it legally

 

[groosalugg5]

Thanks Silentalk. I think you're right. maybe I should let him go. It would keep me sane and allow me to possibly move on with my life (easier said than done). If he really is my friend then things should work out.

I met the new guy (his classmate) and he's cool....but I don't think it's anything serious (obviously since he has two boyfriends now).

 

[silentalk]

Anytime buddy

Let us know if anything new happens...

 

[groosalugg5]

So I was supposed to spend my birthday with my "friend." He even said I could stay over that night which excited me because we hadn't really had that much time alone...to talk. Usually we get distracted by work/life or there or other people around so I was really looking forward to it. He called and said that he really wanted to hang out with me and that we were still on...but his boyfriend was over and he would call me afterwards. I didn't really like that idea, but I just wanted to hang out with him so I told him to call me and let me know when I could come over. Here we are at midnight and I'm thinking I should just call it a night and get ready for work in the morning. It's dirty..I know...on my birthday too....but I really do think at at some point in time he really was looking forward to it as much as I was.

 

[silentalk]

YEah, maybe he was.... hang in there, someday he will know!

 

[groosalugg5]

So.....this is where I am now. One weekend, bf#2 (the classmate) went out of town. I made plans to hang out with my friend since he had one less bf to juggle. After he met with bf#1 on Friday night, he had me over on Saturday. I was supposed to meet him at noonish, but he had someone else come over first. The first guy to go over there is also and older guy. My friend apparently wants a body like his so the guy went over to give him tips and information.

I went to his apt after the guy left and my friend showed me pics of the guy that he took on his phone for "inspiration." Supposedly the guy let him take a picture of him to give him something to aspire to. The picture my friend showed me was a picture of a naked guy (with the head cut out of the picture) and his hand strategically placed to cover everything. My friend claims it was innocent..just for inspiratinal purposes. He then showed me a shirtless pic of another guy for apparently the same reason. Am I stupid? What do you guys think? You think something is going on with these other guys (in addition to the two oblivious boyfriends)?

Well we met up that day and hung out for a while and then we went back to his place. I innocently touched him, saw my opening and went for it. For once he didn't turn me away. It was actually the most passionate we'd ever been. At one point he stopped me and asked who I'd been messing around with. I answered "no one....I just watch porn."...he even complimented me on my improved skills the next day. After an hour (two? who knows?) I knew it was time to kick me out so I ordered pizza and got drinks to buy me time. I ended up sleeping in his bed. He slept on the couch.

The next morning I got him breakfast and he started talking about how much he missed bf#2. How he had dreams about him and felt guilty.I asked him if he felt guilty about cheating on bf#1 with bf#2. He didn't respond. He said he was gonna break up with bf#1 that night but called me and told me he didn't. Now that bf#2 is back in town he's gone back to ignoring my calls and messages it seems. I know how this all reads but I really need help letting go. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I just wished he felt the same way about me that I do about him. He says that right now he'd just dating different people getting to experience relatinships with different personalities (bf#1 is like an uncle or father...you'd never guess he was gay....he hooked my friend by initially buying him things. bf#2 is sooo obviously gay.....he hooked my friend by cooking and cleaning and being playful....I'm a thinker. I'm serious but I also like to have fun. I actually think I combine the qualities he likes from both of them)

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Your 'Best Friend' is living his life on his own terms. He has got two BFs at the same time and at least, technically speaking, 'a friend with benefits' - you, who appears to be very grateful for each and every opportunity to go down on him and/or even spend some time with him. He is doing pretty well, from his own point of view, isn't he?

So, call him self-centered and egoistic. Call him 'unreal' and call him any name in the book you want to! He still will do it his way and he will march to his own drums, no matter what.

So, where do you go from here?

You move on. Find yourself a partner better suited to meet your needs.

Leave your 'best friend' to his own arrangements and let him run his life as he finds fit. Cut him off emotionally. And make sure that he understands that you have a clear concept of happy living that really does not include him in any sense.

Stop being available for sexual favors. This gives him a huge sense of power over you. A guy, who will go down on me and suck my dick, whenever I allow him to do so, really has no say in anything...He is taken for granted.

Or?

Suck it up to him and and keep on dancing to his tunes, if this is what really makes you happy and, if this is what you really want to do. Your life - you are calling the shots.

SC

 

[thewiz]

Well, first I would probably start by defining the terms "boyfriend," "best friend," and "lover."

Your friend is going through the stage of dating -- having been in the hetero world for many years, I find it most confusing when you go out with a guy and you are instantly boyfriends to many gay guys. People should go on dates and find out if they click (and yes, it might happen that sex breaks out). But at the point they become "boyfriend" I think it includes some loyalty to the person. I could be wrong and old fashioned but when I actually call someone my boyfriend, it means I am just dating him.

As to best friends -- it appears your friend wants to date a number of people and may be leading some on by claiming he is theirs and theirs alone. As for you, I think he has feelings for you that go beyond what I would have for a "best friend." A best friend (and I have a number of them) means we share things but at the point it gets into sex, it has gone from friends to "lovers."

Until your friend settles down his hormones, I think you'll be constantly challenged by his "dating" different guys. I would make it clear that you can be friends but the benefits end. He'll either have to recognize that he wants more than a friendship or perhaps that is what he and you really want; you'll never know until the lines get more clearly drawn.

In the meantime, I would not settle and wait for him; go ahead and date other guys. You might find out that you like someone else or fall in love with someone completely different. It may be that you two find out that what you were both looking for was right in front of you to begin with. But unless you date and interract with others, you'll never know.

 

[groosalugg5]

Well everytime I say I will be okay and date other people I give in. I didn't plan to do anything with him, it just happened because I saw my chance and couldn't turn it down. I was the agressor (or he let me think I was).

I wish I was less dependant on him....but in addition to our "relationship," there's also the friendship. I want to hang out with someone on weekends and sometimes after work. With him mostly out of the picture I feel like I have no one. The funny thing is...sometimes I push other people away when I think they're getting too close. I just don't act interested in what they want. I could be turning down some great friends, but I don't know if I wanna let anyone get too close to me. Too many in the past have let me down.