No friends - help

[Soilwork]

you'd be amazed at how nobody cares about your sexual orientation as much as you do, and many straight guys like having a gay friend or two in the mix...

I always suggest that people join a gay baseball team or bowling team or cycle club to have a way to meet new people who share your interests... why not try that?

And a good way to make a few friends is to open yourself up to them.

Why not ask a person or two you know from class if they wanna go out and grab a beer? "hey.. it's my 21st birthday next week.. wanna go out for a beer with me?"

Can't hurt....

 

[jamie_01930]

Having lived a long life in the closet I can relate to a point. Being honest about yourself to yourself is a fantastic feeling. You're young and have just started out in life.
I would suggest to be true to yourself and just live as a guy in life. Yes join groups where you can meet others. Wether it is what has already been suggested or something different. The main point is don't hide who you are. Never think that you did anything wrong being gay. You were the chosen one.

I joined a social group a couple of years ago and within the group there are guys your age as well as much older. Personally I had this notion that the groups were just sex groups but that isn't the case. I guess what I am saying is you have to look for places to meet others. you have to put yourself out there.



PS happy 21st Birthday

 

[NCSU4EVER]

But seriously; most of us go through this phase. You need to realize that hiding who you are is not going to change who you are. You will continue to be miserable until YOU'RE Comfortable with yourself. Only after that can you expect others to be comfortable with you...


In the meantime, we'll be your friends

Mike

 

[Eagle653]

Hi, I moved your thread to the Coming Out forum, since it applies to both coming out issues as well as relationship issues. It's also a no-flame zone, and you might get more responses here (at least of better quality) than in Hot Topics.

Anyhow, I agree with everyone here. Perhaps reaching out to others--being a friend to another--would help break the ice. Also, to the extent possible, find a group of gay guys who enjoy doing what you do in a club or sport or activity. This builds friendships fast out of common interests.

It was interesting to read about your fraternity experience in pledging, but then not accepting. Looking back, are you glad you made that decision (you seem to have mixed feelings)? I've known some gay guys who pledged and did all that, and liked it. They weren't out at that time, but cherished the bonding and friendships, and didn't feel their sexual orientation defined them anyway. A few others pledged and hated it--felt, ultimately, they had nothing in common and the incessant talk about "pussy" was irritating. In the end, it's a really personal choice.

Good luck! Let us know how you're doing. As was said above, you always have friends here.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day IJBML86,

In so many ways you have answered your own post...which is a really good thing. It means that you already know some of the answers to...you 're just having a struggle to face them down.

The biggest thing here mate is to know that you are not alone...and you never will be. There are people who care and love you...you just have to let them. You're a guy who is obviously capable and popular when you set your mind to it, let yourself take a few "risks" with people... your frat bid proves that.

And thats just the point mate. Your color, creed or orientation doesnt make you any more prone to loneliness and isolation. They are things that can afflict all of us... and more often than not we become victims to our own thoughts and negativity on this.

You do need to try and accept yourself better. Thats the start to being happy. From your post its clear your shy but let me tell you what is also very obvious. Your polite, courteous, handsome according to others so its most likely true, articulate and considerate. Your post's well thought out so you're intelligent too. None of things change. None of those things will alter one bit by you being gay. Your values, morals, judgment...those are your things. They are you now and they always will be. And those are the things that the people around you see above all else. Thats who they value. Thats who they know and love.

Be honest and open with yourself. Its ok to be scared and to have fears...thats human. But stop playing games...dont try to hit on girls because you feel you need to...they are people too, not attatchments so you can feel better about yourself. By being true and open with yourself first and by you stop trying to fit the picture of what you think you SHOULD be, you'll start to understand just how important and valuable you are...they way you are.

Be carefull mate of the dating and hookup site...many of the guys there are chasing random superficial sex (not all granted). For them its meaningless release and they are simply viewing you are pieces of meat. Your lack of responses on these sites says more about the others...not you. These sites deny people the chance to see the real you, to know the real you.

Dont let your color or your orientation stop you from going forward mate. They are bigger issues to you than anyone else...its hard to understand but most of us who have been through what you;re gong through will tell you that. Take the steps you know you need to take...socialize more, meet more and be active in your college community. Dont worry about telling people you're gay just yet...get to grips with it yourself first...but if they ask dont lie. Dont play games...its clearly not you or your values. Be the honest guy that you are...

Take the time to let others see and know you. Let yourself have friends that you love and trust. Dont try and solve all these things together....because they;re not. Just take a day at a time. Build a social circle of people who you trust...and you can do this...you just have to let yourself.

Then, with that security and comfort, worry about coming out then. When you are with people who care for you, trust you and see you for the guy that you are, coming out or being accepted will be so much easier.

Take your time mate...we're here with you for the long haul!

 

[Soilwork]

I guess being gay isn't so bad afterall (I mean it is, but it's not the worst thing that could happen).

Why is it that bad?

Being gay is one of the cool things that makes me unique in my group of friends.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Well if you don't mind my chiming in here IJBML86, I would like to point out to you that...based upon your own words...you seem to be well liked, you've received a bid to pledge, you're good looking, you've got a buddy to hang out with, and you've noticed other guys who "(they're not out, but it's kind of obvious) guys on campus who everyone seems to like. So maybe I'm making this into something it's not."

Or NOT, making this into something that it should be.

What is it about those guys that everyone seems to like?

From what you've described about yourself, and your situation, you're no different or less than those guys.

It's about persona. It's about how we project ourselves.

We've all seen them. The most confident guys in the room. The guys who walk into a room as if they own the place. Everyone wants to get to know them, everyone wants to be with them, everyone wants to have them.

Except those who think that they can't hold a candle to them.

Each of us have self-worth, and in a way we project that self-worth each time that we go out into public.

I know that this probably sounds corny as hell, or a cliche, but if you don't see yourself as someone that you would want to be friends with, or would want to have some kind of positive relationship with, then how can anyone else see you that way?

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

I knew for the longest time that I was gay. But until I "came out" to me, it didn't really matter.

Until I came out to me, until I accepted myself as a gay person, I never really had any friends. I always felt like I wasn't good enough, or that when I was with someone that I really liked that I was holding back from truly being their friend because they didn't know the "real me."

Then one day I realized two things:

1. It's not their fault that they don't know me.
2. I don't want any friends who refuse to accept me as I am.

To be someone's friend, you must "own" who you are. Once you own that, no one can take that away from you. The confidence that you have in who you are to yourself, projects outwardly and before you know it, you're the person that walks into a room as if you own it, you're the person that people want to get to know, you're the person that people want to be with.

From what you've shared here, you're almost there. The rest is up to you, and your relationship with yourself.



I would like to be among the first to which you a Happy 21st Birthday!

 

[tallguy297]

Before I fully accepted myself, I always thought gays were cool. I respected them and never had a problem with them - but when I myself had to accept I was gay, it was different.

Yep..it quite often is mate. Its easy to disassociate yourself until you say the words...I'm gay. I did that too. I think its a pretty normal thing...a huge reality check.

I'm finally coming to grips with this stuff!

You're definitley on the right track mate...even just what you've said in the last few posts is terrific. And you're right to a degree about the frat thing. But one thing...there will always be an excuse...there will always be a reason.

But you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing to feel bad about and certainly nothing to hide. Your a positive caring compassionate guy. Thats the real you. You're just gay is all...

 

[Soilwork]

Someone was talking about the frat - about the obsession with pussy, who's getting laid, who got a bj, etc. I could never just say, "look guys, I like cock" or "I got sucked off by this hot guy".

See.. you CAN.

OK, you have to be careful not to over-do it with the straight guys right out of the gate.

But you CAN talk about your own likes and dislikes if you do it right.

As long as the guys know that you're not angling for them, and that you're getting your kicks somewhere else, they're gonna laugh right along with you so long as you don't work it into every conversation and don't go over board.

Being gay can make you one of the coolest guys at the Frat, and if you can do THAT, all the gay guys and bi guys will be lining up outside your door for a date.

you just need to do it right.

 

[3nipples]

More than likely I'll sit in my apartment with several bottles of wine, get drunk, and contemplate my life - what it is I need to do, ways I can accept myself better, etc. I'm ready for a change now.

Not getting drunk might be a good way of starting that change...