No longer confused, but still not gettin' it.

[Pushover]

Some of you might remember my old thread I made a few months ago ( http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=149193 ) during what I considered the turning point in my life. I guess this is more or less an update of things for those that care to read, and if you hate sappy people, then bite me.

Over the course of the last few months, I've lost 14 pounds (now I'm around 220) from dieting and walking, I've finally begun preparing myself to take my driver's license test, and I've been skimming online for college/job opportunities.

I'm still not out, I haven't really told anyone yet, and I'm still in the same position I was several months ago, just now I am more secure with it. I have had no issues within myself being gay, in fact I think I'm reveling in it. There is just a feeling and growing need that I have to tell somebody that I'm gay because I feel that somehow that is what is holding me back from getting on with my life. Once I tell somebody I think I can get on with things. I've already told several online friends, but it's just not the same thing as telling somebody face to face.

So, now I'm at the breaking point of where I need to tell somebody or I'm going to have a mental break down. The problem is: who? There's only two people that I can actually tell and they are my parents. Unfortunately, telling my father would be like telling Hitler I think his mustache is funny and telling my mother would almost be opening myself to a lecture followed by a ten page essay on why I'm gay to be continued with my thesis on gay life. I guess mum would be the obvious choice, but every time I get a chance the moment doesn't feel right and I can't get the courage to say anything.

I think I'm stuck in a rut.

 

[hanshansen]

I just had a read of your old thread.

Congratulations on doing what you've already done.

Rather than telling your parents you are gay, I think you need to move out. Once you get your licence and a job you will be able to do that. After that things will start to change and you will feel less stuck. You need to focus on that. I don't see the logic of why you not telling people you are gay is holding you back from that.

What do you think you will gain at the moment from telling your parents? You would either have their permission to do things, or not. Why do you need their permission? If they react badly, It would make living with them more difficult but you'd still have to live with them until you get a car and a job.

I've had a good job for 3 1/2 years, but I was still living out in the suburbs with my parents last year. I had no social life whatsoever. I had increasingly given them hints about how unhappy I was with this, but I don't think they really got it. My parents are very protective and didn't want me to move out at 27! One day in June last year I rented a furnished apartment in town and basically presented them with a fait accompli. This was a 'coming out' experience of sorts, because my mother in particular wasn't happy, but had to learn to come to terms with it.

That freed me up to do some things which turned out to be very beneficial, including talking (for many, many Skype-hours) about all my problems and anxieties to a guy I met on the JUB, and starting to build up a social life that includes gay as well as hetero people. How did I do that? Through my work, through some clubs I belong to, by joining a gay support group, and eventually by moving into an apartment with roommates.

Back to coming out to your parents. A few months ago I felt exactly the same way. The only person who knew about my sexuality was my Skype-friend from the JUB. My parents were the closest people I had in my life, and I felt awful that I was keeping this from them. It was eating me up inside, because I felt there was this gulf separating them from me. I was unhappy and guilty and couldn't tell them the reason. And I felt cowardly for not telling them. So one morning I told my father in the car. The lead up was nerve-wracking, but my father ended up very sanguine about it, pointed out bi people in my family who had found great wives , said the main thing was that I found a good person, gave me relationship advice, and said there was no need to tell my mother. So now I'm half-out to my parents. What did that gain me? I guess it's nice to know that I can work up the courage to do this, and to have confirmation that my father will let me find my own path on my own, and will encourage my mother to do so to. But it hasn't changed anything between us and it was very anticlimactic. We've never talked about it since. I get on better with my parents than a year ago, but that's because I'm happier overall. So that was a 'good' coming out experience! (More or less.)

My parents do not need to know about what I get up to in the evenings. Neither do my roommates, or my work colleagues. We share lots of other things, but this is my private space and it's to their credit that they grant me it. I'm going to raise this issue with them once there is a good reason (e.g. if I end up in a serious relationship with a guy and want to move in with him). At the moment I am exploring and finding my way in life. Only I can do that, they can't help me.

However, you're right that you need to find some flesh-and-blood people you can talk to about things related to your sexuality. I would suggest coming out to other gay people first. If you don't know any (I didn't), that is a reason for joining some gay social or support group, as stupid as that idea may sound. I've found (I live in a not-very-large city) that I can do that without having to come out to anyone else. Other gay people will know best what you are going through and may be able to put some things in perspective. And of course you will finally be dealing with people who you know have a chance of being interested in you (and vice versa)!

 

[hanshansen]

Why did my exclamation mark turn into a banana - ??

 

[tonyboy]

Some of you might remember my old thread I made a few months ago ( http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=149193 ) during what I considered the turning point in my life. I guess this is more or less an update of things for those that care to read, and if you hate sappy people, then bite me.

Over the course of the last few months, I've lost 14 pounds (now I'm around 220) from dieting and walking, I've finally begun preparing myself to take my driver's license test, and I've been skimming online for college/job opportunities.

I'm still not out, I haven't really told anyone yet, and I'm still in the same position I was several months ago, just now I am more secure with it. I have had no issues within myself being gay, in fact I think I'm reveling in it. There is just a feeling and growing need that I have to tell somebody that I'm gay because I feel that somehow that is what is holding me back from getting on with my life. Once I tell somebody I think I can get on with things. I've already told several online friends, but it's just not the same thing as telling somebody face to face.

So, now I'm at the breaking point of where I need to tell somebody or I'm going to have a mental break down. The problem is: who? There's only two people that I can actually tell and they are my parents. Unfortunately, telling my father would be like telling Hitler I think his mustache is funny and telling my mother would almost be opening myself to a lecture followed by a ten page essay on why I'm gay to be continued with my thesis on gay life. I guess mum would be the obvious choice, but every time I get a chance the moment doesn't feel right and I can't get the courage to say anything.

I think I'm stuck in a rut.

First thing is congratulations on the dieting and walking
That's a great start for your new life.
And man, you've already come out.... Since you've told some on line friends you are techinically 'out'....
I don't know why guys feel the need to say it outloud to their parents to make it seem 'official'.... you know your folks better than any of us do man. You have to decide what is best in that regard.
I' don't see the point in it. It sounds like telling either of your parents at this point in your life would only make things tougher for you. It might be best to wait a while, after you've moved out and found your own niche in life.
This big thing that gay guys have about coming out to their parents is fine for some and not so fine for others. Every person must decide what is best for themselves.
So, what would be the benefit for you to tell them right now? From what you've written I don't think there would be any benefit for you.
Just keep on going man. You will no doubt find friends that you can talk to.
And always trust jubbers to talk with. We are generally a good bunch here.
A friend.

 

[Pushover]

I guess I should Just concentrate on getting my license, a car, and a job, then. It just feels like if I tell somebody I can stop worrying about it and get on with things.

 

[G-Lexington]

You can get on with it even without having told someone. Eyes on the prize, man.

Lex

 

[martin6]

Why did my exclamation mark turn into a banana - ??

Ha ha ha, yeah. The write out symbol for the bouncy banana is an exclamation mark with parentheses around it. Which is what you typed when you were adding that extra effect of "whoa!" in your post.

 

[rareboy]

Tell your mother.

 

[drhladnjak]

If I were in your situation, I think I would worry about getting out of the house and out on my own first. Then again, if your parents take it badly, it might give you more motivation to move out :/

 

[Pushover]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I came back to the forums because of all the help I received with my last problem. I hate the feeling that I can't make any decisions for myself.

Still, getting my license, finding and holding a job, and getting out of the house will take a long time.

 

[UC3543]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I came back to the forums because of all the help I received with my last problem. I hate the feeling that I can't make any decisions for myself.

Still, getting my license, finding and holding a job, and getting out of the house will take a long time.

I don't think you should be in a rush to tell them. Seems like you aren't ready to tell them, so don't. Tell them only when you are ready, and I think it will be much better to tell them when you are more on your own

 

[drhladnjak]

Still, getting my license, finding and holding a job, and getting out of the house will take a long time.

I don't mean to be rude, but why will this necessarily take a long time? It seems like something that could be achieved in the matter of a few months if you focus. Heck, if you live in an urban environment you don't even need to get your driver's license to move out and find a job.

 

[rollex_2000]

If you feel like you need to talk to somebody drop me a PM with any of you IM ids (AIM, Yahoo, MSN, ICQ) we could chat once in a while! I think I can be helpful to you!

 

[Pushover]

I don't mean to be rude, but why will this necessarily take a long time? It seems like something that could be achieved in the matter of a few months if you focus. Heck, if you live in an urban environment you don't even need to get your driver's license to move out and find a job.

In the thread I made several months ago, I stated that I have a panic disorder which keeps me at home 75% of the time and a natural, yet sort of contradictory dislike of people in general. I'm not an easy person to get to know and I'm almost nonfunctional when I'm out of my element. It took me several months just to get comfortable with the fact that I could be driving in a short while.