No one to talk to about this

[bmwducatirider]

I have asked several good friends to talk to me about my problems but they have all avoided me. The advice here seems to be generally good and more importantly sincere. I have come out to my mother but she is so old that she really has little advice to offer other than that she loves me no matter what.

I have been in the closet my entire life and generally dealt with it by being a workaholic. I am in a bad marriage and during the last ten years have had two failed attempts at divorce. My wife filed both times and gave up because it was too stressful. There are lots of assests involved.

I am now nearing retirement age and had planned to go to my grave playing with my motorcycles and other toys along with taking care of a house. Construction on a new home in Hawaii was started but had to be stopped because we could not sell our current house in the midwest due to the current economy. My wife would not participate in any other solution such as taking out a loan. She has held on to all our cash savings she raided in the last divorce attempt and can not understand why I can not just write a check to pay for the new house. This has led to several years of estrangement in which she has only been home a few nights and never on holidays.

During the first divorce procedure I began hanging out at gay clubs in a town (not in Hawaii) where I own a getaway condo. Other than making out at the clubs I have resisisted any hookups. Besides all the good looking guys there is way more energy and fun at the gay clubs than the straight clubs. That is until about six months ago. I let myself get picked up by guy who is young enough to be my son. We had oral sex a few times and sleeping next to a muscled guy was really great. Finally I initiated more and after bottoming for the first time there was no doubt that I am not bi but gay.

However, there was no emotional connection and he has lots of other guys that he dates mostly older truck drivers who are in town periodically. He calls me everyday but also calls all the others even when we are out on a date. However, he also introduced me to his friend who was intellegent, witty, not to mention drop dead handsome. I never felt such an instant connection and love in my entire life. We exchanged numbers. He texted me a few times and finally when I had drunk a little I texted back and told him of my feelings and said I wish that I was thirty years younger.

Finally I asked him if he wanted to hang out He kept avoiding a meet up and finally he told me he was in a committed relationship also with an older man. Finally we did get together and ended up having sex and it was so good that I would have been happy to go to my grave with just the memory of this. We have had sex several times since then and the last time was best ever.

Since then he has texted me in a very flirting manner and left voice mails which sounds like he wants something more. Face to face though he always tells me he is solidy with his current man though he tells me about the problems in his relationship. Mutually we decided that we should just be good friends and I find him so magical that I was happy to just meet socially with him in the groups of mutual friends we have.

There are other details but posting them would not respect his privacy and may reveal his identity. These include things which would complicate the relationship but also other issues which make the age difference make sense.

Finally, I decided that I was to old to be on the hunt and I did not want to be like the other old loney men who sit in the bars and dream about a hookup. So at my age it makes sense quit the club scene and to stay in the closet.

As I said goodby to him and wished him the best possible life I broke up and started to cry. He then very passionatley kissed me (which by the way is way better than sex with the first guy) and finally I broke it off telling him that I wanted to respect his husband.

He then calls me and tells me he wants to see me the next day. Earlier in the day he again said that his current relationship is too stressful and he is thinking about moving in with his mother. I told him that he was welcome to use my condo for however long it took to figure his life out. He could do whatever he wanted except that if he got a permanent boyfriend they would need to find there own place. I use the condo about one week a month but there are three levels and lots of room. I have even ecouraged him to get a younger partner. It is because I love him so much that what I want most is what is best for him.

He then wants to see me again latter the same day. I finally asked why he keeps indicating he wants a relationship and then saying no. Is it because he really can't decide what he really wants? He told me that in everyway except sex that he would be happier with me and that all I needed to do was get a divorce. I already have told him that given the age difference I knew I could not fully satisfy him sexually and that while I would be totally faithful I did not expect him to be. I only wanted to know if there was an emotional involvement and if so to let me know what I could do to fix our relationship.

So do I go through the agony, pain, and expense of a divorce for the third time in the hope that he doesn't change his mind?

 

[Telstra]

interesting life story. Thanks for sharing.

Wondering the age difference between you and the 2nd guy.
And do you have any children?

 

[bmwducatirider]

The second guy is a couple of years younger than the first man though certainly much more emotionally mature than the first guy. As we have gone to all of the local clubs together as a group he has introduced me to most of his previous boyfriends and they have all been older than him and are all still totally in love with him. He has been in his current relationship for quite some time. Health issues make it unclear which partner would actually need to care for the other.

I have no children.

 

[bananajoe]

So do I go through the agony, pain, and expense of a divorce for the third time in the hope that he doesn't change his mind?

Hmm.. I'll just be brutally honest. I think the divorce is a good idea if you aren't as happy as you could be.

 

[FrankLeeMyDear]

You sound like you have a lot going on in your life.

First things, first. It sounds like your relationship with your wife needs to come to some closing. Once this has been resolved you can continue forward with your life (as can your ex-wife).

You're not too old to find another love relationship (unless, of course, you're dead !!)

If you are able to have some type of relationship (sexual) with younger guys, you'll be able to do so after you are no longer with your wife.

And, there is also the possibility that a new relationship doesn't need to be with another guy. You could find another woman, if that's to your liking, who could provide you what you need.

Good luck and remember it's one step at a time.

 

[StlKj]

Your wife is your occasional roommate. It does not sound like there is any affection between the two of you--not even friendship. How much is your freedom worth to you, considering that she will likely get a great deal of your assets?

If you leave her, leave her for yourself. Don't leave her for this guy. His track record suggests you would not keep him long. Be careful that you're not setting yourself up as some kind of sugar daddy whose heart will be devastated when he moves on. You're very vulnerable right now, and you're going to need your strength to deal with the divorce if you pursue it. Stop thinking about what's best for him, and what's best for her, and start considering what is best for you.

Congrats on reaching the realization of who you are, and on taking steps to live that. Now continue making progress in that direction.

 

[Fishstix]

Killjoke had some very good advice. Younger people are less likely to remain faithful because they're tempted more. And since all his past boyfriends are all still in love with him, he must have lots of guys after him. It would be bad to throw everything on the line for him if it would ruin your life if he left you in a couple of months.

If you're uncomfortable with the clubs you should try joining many dating sites. Studies have shown that a whole lot more older people use dating sites than younger people even though the younger generations are more experienced with computers. There are tons of people out there your age or older who are looking for the same thing and turn to dating sites to find potential life partners. Research and read about internet dating and you may be surprised. You deserve someone and there's someone out there for you, you'd just have to not give up and keep trying even if it takes a few years. Someone who's not 30 years younger than you is a lot more likely to stay with you for the rest of your life. I don't know this guy so I can't really say but it's just my view on it from what I've read.

 

[rareboy]

Meh.

I don't know why you'd bother with a divorce. Just make sure your will is in order and then ignore your wife.

In the meantime, if you are as affluent as you imply, then have fun and make sure you protect your assets from predatory hot guys. Buy him nothing and insist on splitting bills. Then you'll see how interested he is in sticking around.

I guess better late than never, but what a shame that you wasted so much of your life in a bad marriage trying to work yourself stupid just to forget about it. It is a good life lesson for some of the younger closeted guys to pay attention to.

 

[bmwducatirider]

Thanks for all the advice guys.

1. I am not that affluent. Most assests are real estate, a declining business, and a 401k. Money is all my wife fights about. I could be happy with half; she can not be happy with it all. Probably reason for a divorce sooner rather than latter.

2. Normally I would consider almost a 30 year age difference a formula for disaster. Without revealing too much, there is an illness whose medication often makes him quite sick. He needs someone he can trust to take care of him should God call him first.

3. He has tried to go back to work but could not continue as he could not control when he was sick. While his current bf cares for his needs he does it very grudgingly. Rather than a regular allowance he needs to justify every penny spent. When he goes out he usually only had ten or twenty dollars. He gladly spend this until it is gone. Rather than fight with his bf, he gets some pocket money from his mother.

4. Unlike the first guy, he is not a gold digger. The few times I took him shopping, I wanted to go to a nice mall. He prefered Walmart and a used cd store.

5. All of the ex's have good relationships. But he could have any man he wants. I know it, he knows it. We have talked about it.

 

[Telstra]

Sounds like a good movie to be made from your story.

 

[Eagle653]

Your issues are actually pretty complicated and I wouldn't make any permanent (not to mention expensive) moves without talking your situation over with a good therapist and a good attorney.

For the therapist: Your marriage is in name-only, it seems. What are you getting out of it, and why have you continued?

You're coming out and getting out later in life than a lot of other guys. There's nothing wrong with that, but there are opportunities to be taken advantage of and developing feelings that are new for you. You need to know yourself really, really well to know why you feel about some men the way you do. Again, there's nothing wrong with any of what you said, it's just that you need to know yourself well enough to know who pushes your buttons, your "type," and what it is these men are satisfying within you.

Third, you need to reflect on the common elements of the two guys who kind of brought you out of your shell and made you confront your own sexuality. I'd be more comfortable if you did that professionally, especially the one who is in a "committed" relationship. While he may seem like Mr. Right (and he might be), his situation is almost as complicated as yours. You're taking a huge risk, emotionally, with him. For one thing, he's "involved." Secondly, if he leaves the other guy for you, can he leave you for the next good-guy who comes along? I'd be careful.

For the attorney, whether you're a man of means or not, you are legally married with assets. Two failed divorce attempts has not only hardened you and your wife's feelings, but the attempts appear to have convoluted your financial portfolio. You need to protect yourself, as well as be fair to your wife. Informal financial "agreements" or "arrangements" that you two cook up, depending on your moods, isn't going to cut it. You need some professional advice on how to navigate these tricky legal waters. Know, too, that you have technically engaged in adultery, which can haunt you if known, in some jurisdictions.

Good luck to you. You sound like a man who's intelligent and has a lot of conflicting feelings about a lot of things and people right now. I hope that you can get some assistance in sorting it all out and moving on to a happier and more fulfilling life.

Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Telstra]

great post Eagle653.

Legal advice yes, but a mutual agreement between him & wife outside court is better (about the assets/money). Less paper work (less headache) and a win win for both.

 

[bmwducatirider]

Thanks Eagle653.

Sorry for the gramatical errors in my last post. It was from an iphone and it is hard to proof read on the smaller screen.

 

[bmwducatirider]

Meet up with Mr. Right and his partner last night. In the course of the evening I raised the issue that the partner should provide an allowance rather than money on request. I was told it was none of my business. I agreed and apologized, but at least I have planted the seed of a need for a change.

The vibes I got last night was that despite the problems Mr. Right was committed to trying to make his relationship work which is all the more proof that he is indeed Mr. Right. It is just that I was Mr. Late.

All this is probably for the good as it gives me time to get my own self in order. I will still hope but I will not regret as I have experienced the most wonderful sex in my life and have great memories of fantastic times together.

 

[bmwducatirider]

A lot is said here about joining gay clubs or groups. While this should be a new post titled "gays can be narrow minded and discriminatory too", it makes more sense in the context of my life's journey. About six months ago I also joined an online motorcycle club but due to the non stop clubbing I never made their Sunday morning ride. I was kicked out for non participation. I asked to rejoin and even referenced this thread as to why I did not participate earlier. I suggested that I at least join them for a ride so they could know me before making a decision. After many emails this is their decision (names and places deleted):

"Thank you for your interest in the
*******Riders Gay Biker Group.

We regret to inform you that we are unable to
approve your request to join our Group AT THIS
TIME for one or more of the following reasons.

A) Incomplete profile.
B) Non-******** resident.
C) No motorcycle information.
D) You are not a Gay or Lesbian.

REQUIREMENTS: You must be a Gay or Lesbian who is a
******* Resident, a part-time resident or
sponsored friend planning to visit ****** in the
near future. You may be granted an honorary membership
if you are an officer of another Gay motorcyclist club.

YOU MUST HAVE A MOTORCYCLE AND A VALID LICENCE.

Email Address – No address, no membership.

Yahoo Profile Completed with the following:
·Name or nickname
·Town where you reside.
·Age. Confirm your over 21 yrs
·Gender
. Motorcycle info
. Profile Photo – a photo is appreciated. We have many
members and it is difficult to remember members only by
their Yahoo nicknames or email addresses alone.

RESTRICTIONS:
You must be 21 years old.
You may not use this group to solicitor sell products and services.
Keep private and personal contacts, interaction and messages private.
No sexually explicit material or communications are permitted.
This group is non-commercial. In order to protect our member’s
privacy, we do not permit businesses or commercial venues to join. Who needs
more Spam? That's why we ask you for a complete profile.

If you qualify for membership and would like to reapply, please make the
necessary additions to your Yahoo Profile, and then reapply.
Thank you."

Seems I met all the requirements. Filled out all the profiles. Sent them photo of me with the five motorcycles I keep in their area, have a valid motorcycle license issued by the state they ride in, have finally admitted that I am gay and have come out to quite a few friends since this thread started. So in fact I did seek out people to talk to.


And my reply to them:
"Needless to say I am disappointed by your actions. I even offered to show up for a ride and let you meet me before you made a decision. My life has been tougher than most and the last six months have been a roller coaster as I explained was why I did not participate. Actually, I a legally a ****** resident as I have a ****** drivers license. I just do not meet the standards for ***** income tax because I am not there a six months and a day. Based on the couple of times I visited your site, I have even ridden with one of your members on a ride with the local BMW riders.
I was just trying to make the best of my last few good years.

On my last trip to ******* a gay couple I have made friends with went out on my boat with a straight couple I have know for years. The straight husband watches Fox news non stop when they visit me in ****** and the wife contributed to Sarah Palin. At the end of the boat ride my gay friends remarked how nice and accepting my friends were and what a fantastic time they had. On the other hand your group which probably has a large preponderance liberal minded people and suffers discrimination in a wide variety situations is in fact very close minded and discriminatory. I am sure you all enjoy each others company and all I can wish you is to keep the rubber down and the chrome up. In my case, I will continue to ride alone in ****** except I will keep the rubber down and the carbon fiber up."

 

[spencer]

I guess better late than never, but what a shame that you wasted so much of your life in a bad marriage trying to work yourself stupid just to forget about it. It is a good life lesson for some of the younger closeted guys [that are planning on marrying women] to pay attention to.

IMO, I think that coming out and getting out of your marriage are two different issues here. Yes it would have been better to come out sooner, but while still married? I guess that coming out would jolt the marriage free, but would that have been wise? Wouldn't it be better to get divorced first?

This is my case in point in that you have to help people in context, not just say, coming out have been the better solution. Taking steps to come out, like getting divorced and getting out there more would be more of a sound solution.

But like I said, in context, you're in retirement age and you have to protect your assets so just live your personal life personal and be with men that make you happy.

 

[sheep]

Have you made any earth shattering decisions yet?

 

[bmwducatirider]

Having been away for a while, I was amazed to see this post come back to life. Thanks for caring.
1. I have been working with my lawyer. He told me I deserved a medal for all I put up with over the years. Then he told me "on second thought a dunce cap". I thought I was strong enough to avoid the therapist. Now I know I am not.
2. While I had come out to many of my employees and most of my friends, my wife appeared out of nowhere and in a screaming tirade outed me to all my employees and a store full of customers.
3. I have been on a several month roller coaster relationship with Mr. Right. Essentially, he wants the best of both me and his other partner. This has been so complex and bizare that I will save it for another post when I have better than an iPhone keyboard.