No Second Dates and Beyond

[Yeehaw]

Feel free to join me here in the long rant... most guys I meet (not a lot) for coffee or sex are from online (a few in real life), depending on how the conversation goes and what vibe I get from the guy. Either way, I almost never get a second chance to see them again. Say this guy and I hooked up once I thought the sex was enjoyable even tho I didn't find him attractive and would not date him if asked, despite a couple post sex booty texts from me we never met again; I met this other guy 10 days ago right after I got back from a trip to SF at a nice cafe/restaurant, we had a nice convo which lasted one and a half hour about work, plans, travel, in that moment I was happy to have found someone I could talk to about life experiences and such, as we were parting ways I was so anxious to hear him utter any word alluding to meeting again which he did say sometime next week should be good. That sunday I asked him how his weekend went and I flat out asked him if he wanted to go to a museum with me wednesday he said he has plans with his teacher friends that night but could do movies the week after, then I messaged him with a couple movies I'm interested in, that was quite a few days ago and was the last exchange we had. Let's be honest, there won't be a second date.

Now, I'm far from being the guy obsessively texting or checking in with a guy after the first meeting, regardless how much I like the guy. At the same time I don't believe in wait and see games, if I like a guy enough I will make attempts to see him again once or twice, why not? If I like someone I will make time for it and not come up with excuses and postpone it week after week, regardless how busy I am. But I just don't understand where I got it wrong because most guys apparently don't share the same approach as me, some will try to arrange something then flake out last minute. I'm extremely embarrassed to say that as a new member to the 30s club, my longest "relationship" lasted 2 months. I consider myself an attractive, reasonably smart Asian guy with a good sense of humour and people who know me would agree. People usually guess "high standards" after finding out I'm still single to which I would conveniently agree, but honestly that's not the case, the second guy I mentioned here, I wouldn't call him my type, obviously there's to some degree an attraction, but I was more into his vibe and personality... I can't help but think I must be a lousy lay with shitty personality. These 2 guys are just variations of the same experience I've had over and over again all these years. What's the point of having a good long conversation if there's never going to be a second meeting?? If that's all I'm getting for the rest of my life, I rather just have sex at least I get my rocks off. I know we all whine about how hard it is to find a LTR I'm not the first and won't be the last, but I've seen plenty of guys partnered up and I'm perplexed as to why that can't be me for ONCE, how many meaningless hookups or one time fantastic conversations do I have to go thru to find that?

 

[Rolyo85]

This isn't something you will like, but it's the truth none the less: It is ALWAYS your fault. Doesn't matter if the guy wasn't right for you to begin with, if they don't call back or flake out of the picture, you did something wrong as far as they are concerned.

I am saying this as someone with lots of similar experiences to yours. I am all on the surface, I don't play games and I am honest and open. But like it or not, meeting a guy - for any reason - is a sales pitch, and details matter. How you were dressed, how you presented yourself, what topics you picked, how you responded to his parts of the conversation... It can totally bog you down in uncertainty, and mostly should be done by instinct, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't think about the pattern you use, and what could potentially be wrong with it.

Because ultimately, dating is a matter of luck, but also of presentation. You may not click with 95% of the guys you meet, but you want to have the best chance with the other 5%.

 

[Orlandude]

I believe that being yourself is everything and you should never try to change yourself into something you are not, just to please someone. If they can't take you for who you are then they can't take you. End of story. Move on. That also works the other way around. Admittedly, you've met guys who don't turn you on or you just don't "click". All of us go through the same things you are to a greater or lesser degree. That's just the way it is. Be the best you can be and be true to yourself and never pretend to be anything more or less. There are too many fish in the sea to mourn over the few you have to throw back in the water. Point being, when you go fishing, sooner or later you will catch something. There's someone out there for everyone. You just have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince.

 

[Rolyo85]

There's a lot of yourself. You can be yourself at your best, your worst or at your most dull and mediocre. I don't say one should pretend to be something they aren't.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's not clear from reading your original post whether these are "dates" or NSA encounters.

Out of curiosity, when you go into these situations, are you up front about what you're looking for?

 

[eastofeden]

Maybe take a page from my dating book...I always put my worst foot forward because I figure if they are going to date me I would rather them find out the worst stuff first and let it get better from there instead of vice versa.

I was actually hoping to avoid further dates usually just because I liked being single but the opposite happened. Go figure. You might want to try it.

 

[bruce379]

You might need to sleep with hundreds of guys to find that someone who will take you on a date, or two. At least the search is pleasurable

 

[Rolyo85]

Maybe take a page from my dating book...I always put my worst foot forward because I figure if they are going to date me I would rather them find out the worst stuff first and let it get better from there instead of vice versa.

I was actually hoping to avoid further dates usually just because I liked being single but the opposite happened. Go figure. You might want to try it.

I can't say that I agree. This strategy works if you're really attractive because they already want you physically. But for those of us of average looks, this only leads to them suddenly having "work to do" and cutting the date short. Forever.

 

[Seasoned]

Be yourself and don't try to reveal everything about yourself on the first date. Your main priority is to have fun, keep things light and interesting. If you're describing hook ups as opposed to dates don't expect more than a one night stand.

 

[journo25]

I hated dating! For a group that considers itself marginalized and discriminated against, gay men can be incredibly judgmental and superficial. Even those who claimed to want a LTR were looking to get laid. Period.

If you're looking for a bf, I recommend forgetting the hook-up sites. Instead try to meet guys who have the same hobbies and interests. Book club, sporting events, a cooking class. You'll be in your comfort zone so will put your best foot forward and make the best impression. You're looking for compatibility in the bedroom but outside it as well.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

OP, have you considered moving into other circles? Going from twink to bear worked miracles for both my sex and social life.

 

[Yeehaw]

I appreciate the responses here. I went on another date (coffee + dinner) over the weekend and afterwards I didn't feel so bad. I was caught in a moment when I made this thread. Think part of my problem is that I don't get out much these days and y'all know most guys online are just looking to chat and not meet, when I do meet someone in person sometimes I do tend to overshare things about myself especially if I feel like I click with the guy, whether that puts them off or not I'm not totally sure. A few of you mentioned you're not sure if I meet guys for sex or dating, well my thing is before I meet someone in person I usually make it clear what it's going to be. If i'm attracted to the guy in some way and he's consistent with his intentions about dating and able to carry a conversation on and offline, there won't be any hanky panky; if the guy's all bout sex talk with not much to say and I'm horny, it's just going to be sex. This is the approach I've been using for a while, I suppose this is being passive-aggresive just letting the other person dictate where it's going to go. So I kind of told myself upon turning 30 that I'm to hold off on casual sex and just start meeting more guys for coffee and see if it makes a difference. And yes, I did try meeting guys at gay sports league and gay choir last few years, nothing substantial came out of it, maybe I don't make enough effort maybe meeting guys in real life and meeting online nowadays have the same end results --- endless texting that leads to nothing?? I'm baffled.

I still believe in being myself when meeting guys, it wouldn't feel right to fake anything, even if you succeed in scoring someone the game thing is going to be carried into the relationship and I'm not into that. I do realize I have to be more tactful when it comes conversations.

 

[Yeehaw]

OP, have you considered moving into other circles? Going from twink to bear worked miracles for both my sex and social life.

LOL I don't consider guys I'm into as a specific gay clique, none is typical twink or bear. if I had to put them into a category I'd say guys-next-door or something vague like that. Thing with me is I'm only emotionally attracted to guys my age range, sure there's hot daddies over 40 that I'm very sexually attracted to, but there's something about being with someone close to my age that feels more substantial, on another level.

 

[bruce379]

I appreciate the responses here. I went on another date (coffee + dinner) over the weekend and afterwards I didn't feel so bad. I was caught in a moment when I made this thread. Think part of my problem is that I don't get out much these days and y'all know most guys online are just looking to chat and not meet, when I do meet someone in person sometimes I do tend to overshare things about myself especially if I feel like I click with the guy, whether that puts them off or not I'm not totally sure. A few of you mentioned you're not sure if I meet guys for sex or dating, well my thing is before I meet someone in person I usually make it clear what it's going to be. If i'm attracted to the guy in some way and he's consistent with his intentions about dating and able to carry a conversation on and offline, there won't be any hanky panky; if the guy's all bout sex talk with not much to say and I'm horny, it's just going to be sex. This is the approach I've been using for a while, I suppose this is being passive-aggresive just letting the other person dictate where it's going to go. So I kind of told myself upon turning 30 that I'm to hold off on casual sex and just start meeting more guys for coffee and see if it makes a difference. And yes, I did try meeting guys at gay sports league and gay choir last few years, nothing substantial came out of it, maybe I don't make enough effort maybe meeting guys in real life and meeting online nowadays have the same end results --- endless texting that leads to nothing?? I'm baffled.

I still believe in being myself when meeting guys, it wouldn't feel right to fake anything, even if you succeed in scoring someone the game thing is going to be carried into the relationship and I'm not into that. I do realize I have to be more tactful when it comes conversations.

It might seem strange but I've had friends, and myself included, who found dates where you normally would just hookup. I guess love occurs in all the strange places. It is undeniable that physical attraction is a first determinant whether two guys would even consider going on a date, it might initially start as a one-sided attraction that leads to a mutual appreciation - common interests, good conversation, background, etc.

Seek and you shall find. Gay bars, gym, work, school, online dating, hookup sites... but you do have to look for it. You're not a child anymore, so what if you actually find someone you connect with from a hookup site, or a gym or some app? Who's to say you shouldn't? Why should you care what other people say? Why not a sex club? Just play carefully. Hey there's 50 guys all in one place it can be fun too It's funny but I found a few dates, friends and a few exes from some orgies sometimes and no, not all of them came from orgies, some were from threesomes jk

But seriously, I've gone to blind dates my friends conjured up with someone and sometimes we make a connection, sometimes not. And I'm just half joking on finding some of my exes from hooking up. At least we were all sexually compatible, all we had to work on were the relationships going forward.

Don't worry those special someones will no doubt cross paths with you the only question is what will you do about it?

Good luck!

 

[hylas]

Personally, I never expect anything after the first date, no matter how well it seems to go. You just never know. I never "invest" emotionally in any guy until we've met at least twice. Because many encounters end with that one first date, no matter what you do; it's just a fact and I think it's good to just face it. I've been on both ends of that situation many times. Don't worry about it too much.

After the first date, if you're interested in seeing him again, let him know once, in no uncertain terms. If he cancels or delays, it's on him to set up a second date. If he doesn't do that, then he's not interested, and it's time to move on.

If no one ever goes on a second date with you, then you may be doing something wrong. Are you misrepresenting yourself online? Behaviour wise, maybe you can ask some close (girl)friends what you may be doing wrong. As for being a good lay, that one is hard to figure out; I guess the most important thing is that you are having fun doing what you're doing, and then it's a matter of finding someone with whom you're compatible. Which is actually kind of hard. I always have to "go through" dozens of guys until I find someone with whom I really click sexually, and I don't even have any rare fetishes or anything.

 

[bruce379]

Personally, I never expect anything after the first date, no matter how well it seems to go. You just never know. I never "invest" emotionally in any guy until we've met at least twice. Because many encounters end with that one first date, no matter what you do; it's just a fact and I think it's good to just face it. I've been on both ends of that situation many times. Don't worry about it too much.

After the first date, if you're interested in seeing him again, let him know once, in no uncertain terms. If he cancels or delays, it's on him to set up a second date. If he doesn't do that, then he's not interested, and it's time to move on.

If no one ever goes on a second date with you, then you may be doing something wrong. Are you misrepresenting yourself online? Behaviour wise, maybe you can ask some close (girl)friends what you may be doing wrong. As for being a good lay, that one is hard to figure out; I guess the most important thing is that you are having fun doing what you're doing, and then it's a matter of finding someone with whom you're compatible. Which is actually kind of hard. I always have to "go through" dozens of guys until I find someone with whom I really click sexually, and I don't even have any rare fetishes or anything.

yup. i agree. first dates don't really count. ditto to what hylas said.