Not being able to cum in my boyfriend cost me my relationship

[LosAngelesKings]

So I've always had trouble getting off, but I've never been able to cum inside of a guy just from fucking him. Even guys I've been madly in love with, I still can't do it. I've looked it up, and the only diagnosis that seems to fit is something called anorgasmia. Basically I can only get off by using my own hand, and even then it can be difficult sometimes. I really have to concentrate. Blowjobs, rimjobs, handjobs, none of it works.

My boyfriend finally got so fed up with it, we broke up the other day after 5 months of dating. He said it made him feel like he didn't satisfy me, and he didn't feel fully satisfied either unless I could cum inside of him. I don't really blame him for feeling the way he does, I just wish he could see it from my point of view.

I've tried giving up porn, giving up masturbation entirely, and even buying a fleshlight to "practice" fucking, but none of it has works. I never even get close to cumming inside of him or anyone else for that matter.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has any similar experiences, and what you've done about it? This isn't the first time it has hurt one of my relationships.

 

[wonderfall]

Eh... you tried everything you can, and your former boyfriend(s) couldn't appreciate it. I would've.

I've only had your problem once... otherwise, I'm fighting not to cum too early. I suppose I was fucking him too long and too hard, if that makes sense.

Did you try foreplay?

What exactly do you mean concentrate?

 

[LosAngelesKings]

He was always too anxious to try foreplay, it bugged the hell out of me. But even when we did some foreplay it didn't help much.

And by concentrate, I mean focus on what's going on. I tend to let my mind wander when I'm having sex, like focusing on the environment instead of what I'm doing.

 

[Rolyo85]

By saying you tried quitting porn, how long of a period do you mean?

This type of problem is mostly psychological, from what I've read, but I don't know how you go about fixing it. I suggest talking to a professional. I can only recommend trying total abstinence while STILL watching porn. No jacking off, no sex, nothing. Get yourself to a point of extreme horniness, and then, after a long time, find a guy to have sex with, and see if that helps.

But again, I'm just making this up. I think you need a professional to help you with this.

 

[LosAngelesKings]

I don't even know how to go about setting up an appointment with a "professional". I have medical coverage but this doesn't seem like the type of thing that would be covered.

 

[hendley]

My partner has the same problem. I will admit that it has caused problems and I find our sex-life boring; however I wouldn't end the relationship because of this.

If you are interested in a relationship I would suggest you find someone you is into you for being you and likes the kind of sex that you like and is willing to let you lead and set the tempo. It also helps if you get him off first at least that seems to work for us.

 

[Seasoned]

Sex therapy is but one form of psychotherapy and is worth a try.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I have this problem too, but as a bottom it doesnt seem to be as big of a deal....

 

[dkj32224]

I think we need to know more about what is going on to help you.

You mentioned your mind wanders to thinking about the environment? Thats not good. A lot of people use this technique intentionally to delay ejaculation during sex and if thats the case your problem might just be psychological.

You say you think you might have anorgasmia, one of the causes of this may be a hormonal imbalance?

Either way I think you should make a appointment with your doctor and then he can check you out physically to make sure it isn't a physical thing. Ask him if he can also refer you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist, whichever is appropriate. Once you learn the details of your condition contact your insurance company to find out what's covered. I know it maybe embarrassing to talk about but this is obviously is important to you and is preventing you from having long term relationships.

One thing you can do by yourself is to keep a journal of all the times you jack off for like a 30 day period. Take notes. Write down whether you were able to cum or whether you were not able to come. Be specific about what you thought about during these time and see if you can come up with a common issue. If every time you weren't able to cum was because you let you mind wander then you know thats the problem and that you need to stay focused on your enjoying what your doing. If your not enjoying what your doing try different things to spice it up. Next time you hook up try a little bondage or live out a fantasy you've always wanted.

I think you just really need to analyze yourself and to solve this problem and if that doesn't help then it just might be something that physically wrong with you and may require medication

 

[LosAngelesKings]

Thanks for all the advice. I've done some more research and I wonder how closely related it is to the fact that I took anti-depressants for a while about a year ago. Apparently SSRIs can decrease sexual desire and orgasm for months or even years after stopping. I really hope this is just a temporary thing.

I'm definitely going to schedule an appointment with my doctor, it's a start at least.

 

[dancub]

I have that problem. I've only managed to cum inside someone twice in my life. One with my current boyfriend. He's pretty supportive though. I think it's important to understand that there are lots of things you can do to cum and anal sex is just one of them. As men we tend to focus a lot on our genitalia, but there is much more to sex than that.

 

[AlmondMilk]

He was always too anxious to try foreplay, it bugged the hell out of me. But even when we did some foreplay it didn't help much.

You probably needed more. This tells me that it's a good thing the relationship ended. You were trying to meet him halfway, but he wouldn't keep up his end of the deal.

I don't even know how to go about setting up an appointment with a "professional". I have medical coverage but this doesn't seem like the type of thing that would be covered.

First ask your insurance if it's covered. Hopefully it is. And I don't think there'd be any problem going to a therapist. I mean, we all have problems from one degree to another. Only a professional can provide insight that could ease our thoughts. I mean, you can do all of the research you can, but sometimes that isn't even enough. If possible, try to see if the doctor has any reviews online from patients.

Good luck!

 

[fallinlove]

Did you have this problem only when using condoms (which is common), or when you did not use condoms?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Did you have this problem before you took anti-depressants? Has this always been this way?

I must admit, I would feel the same way as your boyfriend. Ejaculation from both sides is very important to me, and I just wouldn't find satisfaction if I was the only one getting off during sex.

 

[palemale]

Don't overthink this. Find a bf who likes foreplay, lots of hot making out, kissing. My most satisfying encounters, whether I'm a top or a bottom, have been with guys where there is a big build-up to the orgasm, i.e. lots of foreplay.

 

[LosAngelesKings]

Did you have this problem only when using condoms (which is common), or when you did not use condoms?

We never used condoms...with condoms I can't even stay hard

Did you have this problem before you took anti-depressants? Has this always been this way?

I must admit, I would feel the same way as your boyfriend. Ejaculation from both sides is very important to me, and I just wouldn't find satisfaction if I was the only one getting off during sex.

I wasn't able to do it even before I started taking them, so I don't know if that's the main culprit.

I think what would really help is some dirty talking...I fucking love that. Maybe trying some more risky situations too, like public places, a jacuzzi, etc. And my friend gave me a great suggestion last night, that I should try jerking off using the same lube I use when I'm fucking. I'll give it a try.

 

[hotatlboi]

anti-depressants is almost surely your issue.

I was on painkillers for a bit of time and they have a similar problem, make it way harder to cum.

 

[KaraBulut]

What's not clear here is whether you are bothered because your inability to come is an issue for you or whether you're bothered because it was an issue for your ex.

If someone broke up with you solely because you couldn't come in their ass when fucking bareback... well, it doesn't sound like he was as committed to you in the same way he was committed to getting an ass full of cum.

While SSRIs can cause delayed ejaculation, if this was happening before you took the SSRIs and you've been off SSRIs for a while, then the problem is not the anti-depressants.

It's not unusual for guys to be unable to come from blowjobs. And there are some guys who just have problems coming with another person. Most of the time, guys adapt and just finish themselves off while their partner watches or does something that they both enjoy, like licking your balls or kissing.

While everyone wants to feel like they are getting their partner off and they're doing a good job of it, it shouldn't be able getting your partner off during specific sex acts.

 

[worldinanewlight]

I actually have the same problem. I'm attributing it to the 1.5yr gap that I didn't have sex(long story). All I did was watch porn and jerk off. Now with my partner, no matter how excited I get or how much I'm turned on, I can't cum without using my right hand, hard and fast. In some ways, I'm in heaven cause he does some amazing things, and it blows my mind without blowing my load, but I want him to see how amazing he makes me feel by cumming.

I think it bothers both of us equally but I'm trying to work on it. Doing my best to avoid porn and limiting my masturbation. I guess what has basically happened to me is that my brain is desensitized to normal excitement and things that should get me off. So by stopping the porn, it helps reset your brain to be more sensitive to "normal" things. Like a BJ or anal sex...

But breaking the porn habit is hard! Especially since my BF lives 6hrs away right now... But we will see how it goes....