Not Out and Content -- Dealing with Questions

[wowsers30]

I identify as bi. I've been with several males but never sexually with a female. I came out to my first friend little over a year ago. Since then, it has taken some serious soul searching to come to the point I am at now, when I can honestly say I am content with being bi and not out. The problem is, people keep asking about my sexuality. This obviously dims my contentment. I'm not sure of what I'm doing to make people wonder. I do understand that I have tendencies. My question is, how can I act more straight and also be true to myself? How else can I discourage people to stop asking me about my sexuality?

 

[RicanDAB]

There are always going to be people who are going to be interested in your social life and what is happening. That is just a part of life, and the only way you're going to deal with it effectively is to be comfortable with your own sexuality and exude the confidence in it. The worst thing you could do is start a relationship with someone (I assume in your case a female) just to cover-up the reality and stop the questioning. You'd be setting yourself up for misery in the long run and for your partner as well.

As an aside, I have a problem with someone calling themselves "bi" when they have not sexually explored both sides of the fence. Have you ever considered the company of a female or even wanting to?

 

[trawler69]

It sounds to me as if you are making sure that the door on the closet is firmly locked with you inside it. You say you are Bi but you have only experienced Gay sex, true that that in itself doesn't make you Gay. Do you ever feel sexually attracted to females? what is in your wank fantasies? these are good pointers to your sexuality.

You are uncomfortable when people ask you about your sexuality and want to "act" more straight. You will never be happy if your life has to be an act to cover the real you. There are 2 ways to stop people asking about your sexuality. One is to tell them the truth, then they won't need to ask anymore. The other is to lie to them and have to act out that lie all the time and risk ridicule should you let the act slip.

I strongly advise you to look seriously at how you want the rest of your life to pan out and at what your true feelings are as regards your sexuality. Your future happiness depends on the descisions you make now.

 

[Smitho]

Hi, Firstly be glad that you have people around you who are concered enough to ask, as they are friends and that is a good thing. Now my advise would be to trust these friends a little bit, with some inside knowledge about your life and talk to them. You don't have to come out to everyone, but just these friends, would that be ok? There are multiple advantages, it would stop them asking, it would take your friendship to a more intimate and persoannl level, and it would allow you to stop worrying about people thinking you are gay or not as they would already know the truth, and you could like your life honestly and with no more lies. People stop talking about gosip when it becomes fact as it is boring.

Its just an idea, and having to stop acting may make you a bit happier as well.

I hope you don't decide to live the rest of your life in the closet as it nice out here, and I think you would be better off.

Take care.

 

[KennyD]

I personally do not feel that ANYONE has the right or obligation to inquire as to ones sexual identity .... if they do; the reply should be , "I am a Sexual Being" .... and do not discuss it further ...

 

[Soilwork]

People who "act" are such a bore.

Just be you.

although I have to wonder why, when you only have sex with men, that you bother being closeted.

 

[wowsers30]

Ok, I'm attracted to both men and women. I'm very picky with girls I like and for some reason hooking up with a girl just seems wrong. Maybe thats the Christian side of me. I'm not picky at all with guys, its definitely more of a sexual attraction. Overall I'm not highly sexually active. Hope that clears some things up.

I don't act. I am who I am and I act as such. Coming out won't change how I act, at least I don't want it to. Its just that how I act now if causing people to question my sexuality. I don't have any desire to change how I act because I'm happy as is. Its just that coming out just to dispel questions seems silly or going out with a random girl. I just want to do what feels right. Coming out doesn't feel right for me, being something I'm not doesn't either.

 

[Soilwork]

well thanks for making that even less easy to understand.

OK, so you dont' want to put on a "straight" act... you want to act like you, yet have people stop asking you if you're gay.

I guess the best way to do that is to change the way that every straight man acts to match the way YOU act.

or just learn to live with the fact that most people seem to get the "gay" vibe from you and the fact that you dont' date girls kinda drives that home.

Sorry, wish I had better news.

 

[wowsers30]

ok thanks, yall didn't say anything i hadn't already know before, this just drives it home

 

[jockboy01]

yeah, I don't have much to add really. I'd say just be yourself. If they ask, there are a lot of answers you could use as mentioned. I'd just say it really isn't any of their business b/c... well, it isn't, unless they want to ask you out. If people get the vibe from you, then being yourself is just going to mean you're going to get that question.

 

[1st love ron]

The problem may be in the "acting." There is nothing worse nor more ridiculous than a gay guy trying to act straight. It focuses attention on you rather than deflect. One of my biggest gaydar tricks is to see if a suspected gay tries to act straight; I can usually spot them.

 

[Evsann]

Hell, I wish someone would walk up to me and point out that I'm "unmanly". I am quite sure that it would make my fucking week.

But alas, I must wear my mask for the sake of peace (well, outwardly anyway) and my wallet.

*Le' sigh*

 

[wowsers30]

yeah, I don't have much to add really. I'd say just be yourself. If they ask, there are a lot of answers you could use as mentioned. I'd just say it really isn't any of their business b/c... well, it isn't, unless they want to ask you out. If people get the vibe from you, then being yourself is just going to mean you're going to get that question.

Thanks jockboy. I feel like you got where I was coming from, even if you didn't say much.

P.S.

Maybe 'act' was the wrong word. Suppress my gay tendencies when in certain situations may have been a better phrase. And before you criticize, carrying yourself differently around certain people is still being true to yourself. There's just an added awareness of how you feel comfortable in that particular situation. When we are alone and no one is influencing us, that's who we really are. I've noticed that gay guys act 'gayer' around a group of gay friends, and then act more docile when around a mixed group or all straight. I don't think either spectrum is who the person really is.

 

[M4P]

Here's an answer that will shut most of them down when they quiz you about your sexuality:

Why do you want to know?

It's your business and no one elses. Come out when you're good and ready my friend

 

[jockboy01]

I've noticed that gay guys act 'gayer' around a group of gay friends, and then act more docile when around a mixed group or all straight. I don't think either spectrum is who the person really is.

I agree. We are constantly influenced by our environment. To what extent we allow ourselves to deviate from our true selves is an individual decision. Most of my friends are pretty close to their true selves all of the time. But I do know people who are total chameleons. I prefer the former but have been the latter out of necessity.