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Not out guy, kinda abusive - but like him

True enough, he might be hiding his true colors just so that he could come off straight. However, that does give him the right to be abusive to others. He sounds like a control freak and as cute as he can be, there is more to a relationship than just the looks. You should definitely meet him in person, and hang out with him just to see if he really who he is. Time will tell. Good luck.
 
bayern20 said:
He said we should talk over the phone some time this week and then meet-up.

I am however doubting we are right for each other. He tends to like more baby face guys, I tend to like more manly men type of guys. He likes smooth, I tend to like guys that are more manly looking and a bit hairy. And I do think he is above my league, no problem admitting that.
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So what if you both like different looking guys? That's the point, isn't? unless of course if you guys look like each other.
 
nitish said:
So what if you both like different looking guys? That's the point, isn't? unless of course if you guys look like each other.
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Well, I dont have the baby face look and he doesn't have the manly look exactly. He is totally smooth but he is very good looking.

I guess its just me talking..thinking he would not be interested in me.
 
He's a nut case and enjoys playing mindfuck games. If you like these games, go for it, but what he's doing isn't sexual; it's psychopathic.

Run for the hills and find someone who has a healthier and more mature outlook on relationships and the value of other people.
 
Take my advice, get out of this relationship now. From what you've told us, all it will do is get more abusve emotionally before it becomes physical
 
Well, we fought again, and the circle continues. Yet I did get to the bottom of everything and did figure out everything.

Basically, the ending of our convo:
Him: So you excited to go (names bar/club)?
Me: I'm kind of mehish about it to be honest
Him: How come?
Me: Well, usually I would be excited but this hasn't been the most
normal intro..so
Him: fuck you
Me: What?
(obviously I knew why he said fuck you..suggesting I'm not excited about him..so he was offended. I obviously knew now it was my turn)
So he says something right after I said "what?"
Him: Well I'm talking to this really hot guy.
I'm intimidated to go with him
So I can go with you.

So basically I was pissed off at him again. I told him...
"Fuck you, honestly just fuck you. The only fuckin reason you dont feel intimidated is because I've opened up, told you everything, all my insecurties, my whole situation, and told you how I feel about you. I've gotten NOTHING from you. You just insult me"

He says something like that maybe subconciously he insults me because he doesn't want to hurt me.

Finally, I end it all off, by saying this:

"Look, this is the way I see it. I liked you from the start because we were somewhat similar. I wanted to go into this together, whether it be bf's, whether it be friends, doesn't matter. Who can't use more friends? If we dont like each other, well we can find cock for each other. But thats how I look at things anyways. You gave me nothing of yourself..you didn't open up, you didn't say anything,
17/07/2007 12:25:12 AM you just insulted me. That way, if we met, and you were not happy with me, you would just justify ending things in your head because I was not good enough. And then you would use the stuff I said against me to justify it..since I said all the good stuff about you. You have been quiet from start to finish and you dont want to give anything. You have NOTHING to lose.

He says:

You must be an A student (not being sarcastic)

and then says:

"I am a horrible person"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I care for him but he is as twice as insecure as I am and I cant really carry us both.

I felt so horrible after. :(
 
bayern20 said:
Well, we fought again, and the circle continues. Yet I did get to the bottom of everything and did figure out everything.

Basically, the ending of our convo:
Him: So you excited to go (names bar/club)?
Me: I'm kind of mehish about it to be honest
Him: How come?
Me: Well, usually I would be excited but this hasn't been the most
normal intro..so
Him: fuck you
Me: What?
(obviously I knew why he said fuck you..suggesting I'm not excited about him..so he was offended. I obviously knew now it was my turn)
So, you played with him as well. By saying you weren't necessarily excited about meeting him, you knew you would upset him. You're both playing games with each other.

My psych professor once told us that there is nothing more manipulative on the planet than a young, male psych student. Over the years, I met guys online who love to get into twisted chat relationships with psychs where each keeps trying to manipulate the other. This sounds completely unhealthy for both of you, and this guy sounds very messed up.

Leave the "fixing people" to your future profession, and find someone more stable to start a relationship with. As noted above, this is not the foundation for something healthy to develop.
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I think you both have issues and are playing bizarre little headgames.

Maybe you are meant for one another.

Have you ever thought about trying to just meet paeople for real and not through technology?
 
Rareboy

Of course I meet people that way too. I do use to internet though to meet people as well. This is not how it usually works for me. I usually only chat to people from my area, we chat a few days,(tops a week) and then we meet. I've met at least 5-6 people in the last 3 months or so. (that I first chatted to from a site then met up) With him, its been dragging on because I've had a weird feeling about him from the start.

But you have the wrong idea if you think I like to play games over the net and get kicks. I am totall opposite of that.
 
So, you played with him as well. By saying you weren't necessarily excited about meeting him, you knew you would upset him. You're both playing games with each other.

My psych professor once told us that there is nothing more manipulative on the planet than a young, male psych student. Over the years, I met guys online who love to get into twisted chat relationships with psychs where each keeps trying to manipulate the other. This sounds completely unhealthy for both of you, and this guy sounds very messed up.

Leave the "fixing people" to your future profession, and find someone more stable to start a relationship with. As noted above, this is not the foundation for something healthy to develop.
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Like I wrote above, I have just given, given and given, and he is almost not moving at all.

I've told him about my situation, my life, my insecurities, very very private things. I have told him I like him and think he is a great guy. He on the other hand is saying very little, is being very very private, and on top of that insulting me if I even mention anything that can remotley be taken a bad way. I said I thought he was a little weird, he told me to "fuck off".

So in that little convo that I posted there, after I told him taht I was a bit "meh" about things, I wanted to hear "Oh, well I'm sorry I can understand that..I've been insulting you, etc blah blah blah" ..something neutral, something understanding, instead he said "fuck you".

I have tried to give him an opportunity, time and time again, but he never takes it.
 
I say save yourself a little time.

Drop your pants, stand over a mirror, look straight down and squat a bit. Now look at a newspaper.

There.. you've seen an asshole with issues and you haven't had to even leave your house.

Use the time you've won back to find someone who doesn't expect you to be his monkey at the pity party of one.
 
bayern20 said:
Like I wrote above, I have just given, given and given, and he is almost not moving at all.

I've told him about my situation, my life, my insecurities, very very private things. I have told him I like him and think he is a great guy. He on the other hand is saying very little, is being very very private, and on top of that insulting me if I even mention anything that can remotley be taken a bad way. I said I thought he was a little weird, he told me to "fuck off".

So in that little convo that I posted there, after I told him taht I was a bit "meh" about things, I wanted to hear "Oh, well I'm sorry I can understand that..I've been insulting you, etc blah blah blah" ..something neutral, something understanding, instead he said "fuck you".

I have tried to give him an opportunity, time and time again, but he never takes it.
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Then the real question here is why do you keep making yourself vulnerable to and available for someone who so obviously has major issues and is not healthy for you? I think if you pay attention to what is happening in your dance with this guy, you can learn an awful lot more about yourself than you ever will about him. (*8*)
 
Killjoke said:
Then the real question here is why do you keep making yourself vulnerable to and available for someone who so obviously has major issues and is not healthy for you? I think if you pay attention to what is happening in your dance with this guy, you can learn an awful lot more about yourself than you ever will about him. (*8*)
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Because I keep thinking he is way deeper into these problems than me, which is true. He is totally in the closet and is homophobic I would say. So I keep thinking if I open up, he will come around eventually. But I keep trying and we make a bit of progress but then it comes back to the arguing and insults.
 
So you think he is cute and are attracted to him, and you're trying to help him by opening up to him, but he keeps insulting you and you keep letting him?

Have you covered co-dependency in your psych classes yet, Bud?

One of the main things you learn in psychology is that you don't self-disclose to your patients as a means to help them. You also don't fall for them or let your attraction to them blind you.

You supposedly have this altruistic purpose in helping him, but in doing so, what will you get from it? You've blurred the lines here very dangerously, and you keep pouring your insecurities out there to him to keep him from drowning?

Which of you are you really trying to save here?
 
Killjoke said:
So you think he is cute and are attracted to him, and you're trying to help him by opening up to him, but he keeps insulting you and you keep letting him?

Have you covered co-dependency in your psych classes yet, Bud?

One of the main things you learn in psychology is that you don't self-disclose to your patients as a means to help them. You also don't fall for them or let your attraction to them blind you.

You supposedly have this altruistic purpose in helping him, but in doing so, what will you get from it? You've blurred the lines here very dangerously, and you keep pouring your insecurities out there to him to keep him from drowning?

Which of you are you really trying to save here?
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Maybe I would rather be something to him than nothing. Because 99.9% of people right now will be nothing to him. His ideas are so specific right now (but misguided) that nobody really has a chance.

He needs to understand what he is doing. He needs to understand that he cant ask for something specific when he doesn't know even who HE is. We all have dreams, our ideal guys (personality/look), but we dont deserve "specific" in any part of our life if we aren't honest with ourselves and aren't willing to pur ourself out there. So, he thinks its ok to go from one guy to another, doing what he is doing, not giving anything about himself, and simply rejecting guys for the sole purpose of them not fitting his perfect dream. But how many of those guys would have gone out with him in the first place if they knew that he had such a specific idea of what he wanted..and maybe they already knew they didn't fit that. But you cant know that if the person says they just want to go for a drink, I was just lucky enough that from everything else, its clear what his intentions are and how he rolls. I was fortunate enough to learn what he was doing. He gets highs from this stuff. Rejecting other people and then using that stuff they say against them. He feels like a bigger man, great about himself, when he does that stuff. Because after he does, he can blindly feel that being out is his only problem in the world, otherwise he is perfect. Its everyone else with all these problems and he has nothing.

The world is a very "me" type of place. Ultimatley, none of us do things because they are good, we do them because we get something out of them. Even charity, you ultimatley do because it makes you feel better as a person. But the bottom line is, I choose to not be part of something so obviously negative, because, at the end of the day, that never has a good outcome. So, it is over.
 
bayern20,

I think you have had good intentions with this guy for the most part. Certainly the list of things you think he needs to learn are good things for any of us to learn. But ultimately, it comes down to what you think he needs to learn--not what he has asked you to teach him. He has to not only be willing to learn and grow, but he has to be receptive to what you have to offer him. And at some point, and it sounds like you might be there, you have to consider more what it is doing to you to continue the association, rather than what he might hopefully get from it.

For whatever it is worth, remember that those of us who have responded on here have done so with your feelings in mind, and out of concern for your best interest.

Helping others find themselves is most often a noble pursuit, but it should never come at the cost of losing ourselves. (*8*)(*8*)(*8*)(*8*)(*8*)(*8*)(*8*)
 
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