Not straight, not gay. Not anything.

[jesusofsuburbia]

Does such a thing exist?

I want to be with a girl. I want to be normal, I love the smell and beauty of girls, I want to have children when I'm older, I love the general femininity of girls.

I don't want to be with a man. I don't want to have to carry the burden, I don't want to be judged wherever I go, I don't want to be treated differently, I don't want to kiss or fall in love with a man.

So surely I should just get a girlfriend? No. My sexual attraction is to men despite how much it repulses me. Imagine human attraction is split into two completely separate parts: emotional attraction and sexual attraction. Emotionally I'm attracted to girls; sexually to guys. Affectionate stuff like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. I just cannot ever imagine myself doing with a man. But feeling burning lust for a girl is equally unimaginable, no matter how much I want it.

Where do I go from here? I feel like I'm being torn apart in two directions and consequently being frozen in an abyss of inactivity. Where is the way out? Which part should I sacrifice in order to have some kind of relationship with someone? I am so confused.

 

[jesusofsuburbia]

I'm sick of being alone and I'm sick of trying to "figure myself out". That was the whole point in posting this thread.

 

[ladude2011]

I'm sick of being alone and I'm sick of trying to "figure myself out". That was the whole point in posting this thread.

Hi. Just read your thread so thought i would respond. As someone who is slowly accepting my homosexuality on a daily basis, but is not quite there yet, I have to say this. You said in your thread that you want to be normal. Those words there have meaning. You also said that you have a sexual attraction for men and that repulses you. You also said that you can see yourselves with a woman emotionally but there is not that lust there. I can relate to this so much, let me tell you. When i was younger, up until this year actually, i could never see myself being romantic with a man, or having a bf. it was always only physical. i could see myself with a woman, falling in love, etc, but physically i was not attracted. I always called myself heteroemotional but slowly i started to realize that part of the reason i could never imagine having a bf was because i was not wanting to be gay. And like you, i wanted to be "normal." but i have realized now that everyones normal is different. Normal doesnt neccessarily mean straight with kids, etc. That may be what the majority of people you know are doing, but that doesnt mean thats whats normal and everything else isnt. Normal means following your heart and your desires. whatever is normal to you is normal. If you cant imagine yourself having a bf, ask yourself why? Also, if the idea that you are sexually attarcted to men repulses you, ask yourself why too? Because you dont want to like men? I didnt either. But i realized that its not something i can help. i have no control over it, and i cant change it. so i can either let it bother me til the end of time or just accept it and move on. Im not trying to say you are gay or bi or whatever. in fact i dont like labels because i feel they limit people. I'm just saying that you should just do whatever makes YOU truly happy and dont worry about anything else. Deep down we all know what we really want, we just cant admit it sometimes. For you whatever that is, just go for it. take your time. i also disagree with the above poster who said dont get together with a woman. i think you should try if u need to help figure out cuz youll know within the first few dates whether you want that or not. you could also try men too. just know whatever your outcome is, its ok, its normal, and that is it. hope that helps.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am sorry to add to your misery, but you are not split at all. You are gay.

Now, here are the good news.

1. You are still perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with who you are, and anyone who says otherwise is an ignorant bigot.

2. You can still have children. Either through adoption, or surrogate mothers. And if you have it in you to be a good parent, you will love them the same, regardless of who you raise them with.

3. There is no "burden" in being gay. In fact, there is freedom like none you have ever known, once you embrace who you are.

4. The only people who would judge you and treat you differently, are the forementioned ignorant bigots. Even today there are many major and smaller cities in the States (not to mention the whole of Canada and most of Western Europe) where being gay is not only not frowned upon, but sometimes even celebrated.


And the bad news: The only one who can convince you that all of the above is true, is you. No one else.

---------------------
I'll go on a limb here, and guess that you are strongly religious, or come from a strong religious background that you have never really questioned. From what I gather by your manner of speaking, you consider being gay something repulsive and disgusting. THAT is the reason why you can't ever imagine doing anything with a guy or want to do anything, not something in your nature.

There are other views of right and wrong, and how the world is. Not all of them are based on separating everything in neat "normal" and "abnormal" piles.

The only thing I would suggest at this point of the story, is that dating a girl when you are not interested in girls sexually is extremely selfish and I'd say almost abusive. 20 years ago I would be able to justify it, but with the way the world is today, with all the battles we've won, I don't see an excise for it, other than a desperate attempt to bury your head in the sand.

Also, for future reference - going on a forum with predominantly male homosexual users and implying that being gay is not "normal" while asking for advice/help is in bad taste

 

[NCDogGuy]

Welcome to jub.

You are in a hard place. A few thoughts...

Stacy has a valid perspective. I got married and had a son. I dearly loved my wife. But I was not in love with her. We were intimate, of course, but there was no lust from me. No fire. She could tell. After 13 years, she left. 5 years later, I started figuring myself out. I'm now accept I'm gay.

Most folks here will say you are gay. Only you know.

Your internal homophobia comes through clearly. What in your life experience has led you to conclude that gay love and intimacy is repulsive?

I understand that the idea of living as gay feels like taking on a social role that, while more accepted than in the past, can still lead to negative reactions from people. But it isnt always like that, I'm told. I'm not out yet, and there are times I share those fears.

If you are gay, I do think you are likely to lead a happier and more mentally healthy life if you work through your homophobia and learn to love yourself as you are. In my personal experience, trying to be straight when you are not leads to decades of depression and a complicated marriage.


A relationship while you are figuring things out will not answer your questions. Maybe try making some gay friends, hopefully some in long term relationships. That may help you figure out your feelings.

Good luck. It isnt easy.

 

[Seasoned]

Here's a bit of my story, cried most of my teen years pondering that I was attracted to males, dated a few girls, discovered I could perform sexually with a woman, married to a woman for 14 years, started cheating after 9 of those years, had 2 children, divorced, been with my partner for 28 years, got a marriage license yesterday and will marry him in 2 weeks with family and friends attending, including my daughter and son-in-law. I recommend that no one follow in my footsteps.

If I were wealthy I'd start a national campaign that would simply state, "gay, the other normal."

Don't be too hard on yourself for your internalized homophobia. The world is heterosexist and from infancy boys are matched with girls and vice versa.

You have a genital attraction to men. That helps you discover your orientation. As you mature in your acceptance you'll discover the joy of love making including kissing and caressing. Be patient, be open. Sacrificing your normal for someone else's notion of convention will leave you empty and tempt you to be sneaky and deceitful. Chose honesty, please.

PM me anytime. I feel for you but great joy is headed your way if you remain open. Good luck.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I am sorry you are gay.
I am gay and I have close girlfriends who I would cuddle and hold hands with and would be quite happy having kids and living with.. But I do not want to have sex with them..

There is no difference between emotional attraction and sexual attraction the difference between friends and life partners is just sex and sexual attraction that is it..

That being said you seem to have some rampant homophobia or in your case fear of a homophobic society that is dictating you to try to separate it... Once you begin to accept that being gay isnt abnormal and society for the most part will either accept you or ignore you and that you can have a normal white picket fence life with a guy you will find that you want those things with a guy...

Stacy's post wasnt meant to be rude or abrasive, she was posting to say you need to sort it out before you committ because if you dont you will end up married and a father who is gay with an awkward relationship where very possibly you will have sex with men on the side. therefore emotionally abusing your wife and children. and potentially the men your fooling around with.. also it is not a good way to find happiness.. and know stacy a little she probably didnt want to elaborate on any other advice just because she hasnt gone through it.

 

[rareboy]

As has been noted, there seems to be some internalized homophobia at play here.

I don't think you'll work this out without some real face to face counselling help.

Asking for help and opinions on this board is a first step in the process to you becoming a happy, emotionally fulfilled and loving person.

Now you should take the next, scarier, step and deal with the issues that you have with sexual and emotional intimacy.

 

[callen89]

This is coming from a guy who was confused just like you.

I do consider myself bi-sexual at this point in my life, I have dated women all my life because that is what was socially acceptable. I have been attracted to men since I was 14 (earliest I can remember). I have even fallen in love with a girl.

Now I was in the same boat as you at first, I never thought that I could fall for a guy, being romantically involved or lovey dovey, kissing and such. That was until I met my recent ex-boyfriend. I fell for him hard and fast, and I NEVER EVER thought I could fall for a guy emotionally, I always thought it was just a super ridiculous sexual attraction. But I was wrong, and now I am leaning more towards that if I am gay, that is totally ok, I can still have the huge family that I want, and be with a guy that totally loves me and brings out the best in me.

I cant really offer you any advice because I am new to all this as well, but hopefully my story can help you. I come from a very conservative family so I have always had a lot of pressure to marry and woman and carry on the family name (I am the only man to carry it on in my family).

The only thing that I will say is dont waste time hating yourself about all this, just get out there and figure yourself out. I hated myself for 8 years, and once I got out on my own, I started to figure myself out, and I will not turn back from that.

I wish you the best and please keep us updated, this is a great place to get help, support and great advice from all the veterans.

 

[chrisw87]

This is coming from a guy who was confused just like you.

I do consider myself bi-sexual at this point in my life, I have dated women all my life because that is what was socially acceptable. I have been attracted to men since I was 14 (earliest I can remember). I have even fallen in love with a girl.

Now I was in the same boat as you at first, I never thought that I could fall for a guy, being romantically involved or lovey dovey, kissing and such. That was until I met my recent ex-boyfriend. I fell for him hard and fast, and I NEVER EVER thought I could fall for a guy emotionally, I always thought it was just a super ridiculous sexual attraction. But I was wrong, and now I am leaning more towards that if I am gay, that is totally ok, I can still have the huge family that I want, and be with a guy that totally loves me and brings out the best in me.

I cant really offer you any advice because I am new to all this as well, but hopefully my story can help you. I come from a very conservative family so I have always had a lot of pressure to marry and woman and carry on the family name (I am the only man to carry it on in my family).

The only thing that I will say is dont waste time hating yourself about all this, just get out there and figure yourself out. I hated myself for 8 years, and once I got out on my own, I started to figure myself out, and I will not turn back from that.

I wish you the best and please keep us updated, this is a great place to get help, support and great advice from all the veterans.

+1

I am similar, however I have not met a guy that sets off my relationship/mental alarms, however i have noticed my sexual attraction for women slipping a bit, which could be from my actions similar to the OP.

When I was young (were talking 8-13) I tried to mentally make myself like girls, not be thinking of guys. During 14-21, I guess its all about hormones so anything will get you off, however from 21- present when hormones start to decline a bit, I've not really had that sexual interest as much in women.

I still have the really large relationship interest, and yes, I have also been in love with a woman (and almost married too!). I am in a similar predicament to the OP, in a state of limbo that requires some life experience to eventually let it play out and discover whats truly at heart.

'jesusofsuburbia' I suggest you don't think about it too much, just go with the flow for now, enjoy life and let it take you along for the ride. Eventually, providing you don't push your instincts, it should lead you to the right place.