Not sure if I'm an idiot or not

[T2SOptomistic]

I wrote here a couple months ago about a bit of turbulence with my partner. There is a considerable age difference between us (I'm 23, he's 64). I know I won't get much of a positive response to this age difference, however, I don't think that is the issue at hand (although I could very well be wrong).

If anybody wants a little bit of background on our relationship, I wrote about it here justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360706(ack, I can't post URLs -- sorry).

For those who don't feel like reading all of that, we've known each other for over 2 and a half years now, and have "officially" been in a (I thought) committed relationship since the summer. I wrote about how he abruptly wanted to break up with me and then wanted to give us another chance. I know it sounds ridiculous to agree to stay with someone who just tried to break up with you, but the emotions involved in our relationship doesn't make it that simple for me. I do love and care for this man.

Well, a couple of weeks after our almost-break-up, he went to the Philippines for 3 weeks to take care of some business. Before he left, again I thought we were giving our relationship another shot. He told me he didn't want to lose me and wanted to make us work.

Upon his return, our relationship really started to mend and I really felt like we were once again beginning to feel like a couple. However, I always see him on a gay dating website, which he assured me was just that he liked to talk to other gay men from around the world. Before he left for the Philippines, he had made contact with a lot of young, gay Filipino men so he could have people he knew show him around, etc (well, that's what he told me, but I know I'm not paranoid when I found this suspicious). He assured me there was no one else he wanted to be with but me, and I do understand, we're human, he's allowed to flirt I suppose as it's harmless. He's just a flirtatious person and although I was never a big fan of him giving the time of day to a bunch of young men who flirt excessively with him online, I felt like as long as it's harmless flirtations, it's okay. I didn't want to feel like I was tying him down to just me, but I told him if he ever did want to stray, to just please let me know in advance so I'm not too hurt by it. I also told him, if he did end up straying without telling me in advance, to please just use protection and tell me afterwards.

Well, we were lying in bed together at night, on our computers, when one of the young men he befriended in the Philippines messaged him. My partner didn't know my eyes were on his screen and not mine, but I read the message (shame on me, I know). This young man was saying how he misses waking up next to him in the morning and was asking when he'll be returning to the Philippines. I mean, I shouldn't have really been surprised to see such a message like this because the signs were kind of all there, but I was hurt because I thought he wanted to really focus on our relationship and to make it a committed one before he left for the Philippines, and now I just found out he was sleeping with another person while he was away.

I wanted to give him the chance to admit it to me though. I waited until the next day and brought up the subject of us again where he again reassured me that I'm the one he wants to be with. I then brought up how I didn't really feel comfortable with so many young men flirting with him and him giving them attention instead of just telling them that he was taken, and he responded that he's always just been a popular person who enjoys meeting as many people as possible (which is true, and it's not a bad trait..perhaps I was getting a bit jealous). I told him though that it bothers me that he puts himself in situations where he has so much temptation when I thought we were working to be a committed partnership, and that's when I asked him if he had slept with anyone while he was away. He finally admitted the truth, and told me that he had slept with three different men while he was overseas, but that he thought I had given him permission when I said a few months ago that if he does want to stray, to use protection and tell me later. He assured me he was safe and said that at the time he was exploring different options to see if he really did want to be with me, and he told me that in the end he discovered that it's me who he wants to be with.

I wasn't angry with him at all, because we WERE going through a bit of a hard time before he left for the Philippines and I know again that he's just a flirtatious person by nature, and him being surrounded by a bunch of young, gay men overseas who drool over him I'm sure can be really tempting. Again, I can't expect someone to be attracted to me and only me, and I can't force him to want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with me either, so I can't be angry that he, well, cheated? (for lack of a better word).

What does kind of set me off though is that he never told me. I sort of feel like I had to drag it out of him. I did tell him that what I wanted was a monogamous relationship, but maybe he's just not the type of person who can do that (which is okay, it just means we can't be together). He told me he wants to make us work, and yes, there will be temptations, but it doesn't mean he has to give into those temptations.

I'm not sure if I'm being an idiot for still being with him, or if I am in the wrong here for expecting a couple like ourselves to be monogamous? Ideally, that's the kind of relationship I want, and it's what he tells me he wants to, but then he sleeps with three men overseas and continues to flirt with men online. Perhaps the monogamy is just not possible? I don't even know if I should be feeling uncomfortable with his online flirtations; perhaps I'm being selfish and want that attention directed toward me. I don't like it that men are always flirting with him and he feeds them with attention, but is that just me asking for too much? I mean, I sort of think it's healthier for a relationship if one wants to flirt harmlessly to alleviate some temptation, but it does bother me.

I know relationships take work, and I do care for him and I do love him, but perhaps we're just not right for each other? Or is this salvageable in any way?

Thanks for reading this

 

[Rolyo85]

Wow...

Ok, I'm sorry for sounding like a bitch, but the short version is yes, you are A TOTAL IDIOT! I say this with the utmost sympathy and compassion though, and will proceed to elaborate

First of all, honey, take off the pink glasses. The picture you've painted in your head is NOT realistic at all. Young men drooling over him? I don't know what kind of sex god you've encountered, but in my reality young men generally do not drool over guys in their mid 60s (no offense to anyone around that age, of course). There's a reason why most couples are around the same age and why couples like yours are rare. If he is surrounded by young men, then he is ACTIVELY SEEKING them, not the other way around. He's obviously charming or we wouldn't be in this situation, but seriously, wake up. This person is USING you!

When you want to decide whether you wanna be with someone, you do it by reflecting on your feelings for them, not by trying out multiple other asses to see if your dick will fit better in there.

You are acting entirely too timid and insecure here. You are not in the wrong here. He is. Clearly and very deeply in the wrong. And you are enabling his abuse of your feelings by acting so accepting.

When you are in a relationship that isn't CLEARLY defined as open, monogamy is assumed. It should not be asked for, demanded or bargained. And NO circumstances excuse cheating. You were going through a rough patch. So what? A lot of couples do. That means STRONGER attempts to fix things, not an excuse to slut around. Because that's what he did - 3 guys in 3 weeks? With at least one of them "waking up next to him" and "missing" it? Doesn't that sound more than just hooking up to you? Doesn't it sound like the guy has feelings for your man? And can you honestly think he dd not provoke those feelings? And then he not only hid it from you, but had the temerity to pin it on you - that you "gave him leave"? So basically all it takes for him to go around fucking whoever he can is you letting him? THAT's all that's supposedly keeping him in check?

This is not a decent man. The word for what you describe in your two topics (I followed the previous one as well) is a PLAYER. He is using you, and I am sorry to be so blunt, but I feel I have enough proof to say he does NOT love you. Not really.

Because here's the thing - when you actually have feelings for someone, when you actually love them, other guys just don't tempt you. Not really. Sure you will check out a hot number, maybe even flirt a little. But the temptation is just because you're a guy and have a dick, not because you really WANT to do something.

I am sorry, man. And I'm sorry for what I said at the beginning of this post. You're not an idiot yet, you're a victim of a person with no real morals, no dignity, and no respect for you and your feelings. A liar and a cheater. BUT you will be an idiot if you let him keep playing you.

 

[hylas]

hes scum, leave now.
(i say that as somebody whos non-monogamous myself. its not about that.)

 

[Seasoned]

Please leave him. You deserve the same as you're willing to give. He isn't worth your involvement. Staying with him will leave you depleted. Since when does one person decide the parameters of the relationship? He's mistreating you and you're letting him do it.

 

[altlover85]

I followed your last thread so I'll give you some comments on this latest thread.

I didn't want to feel like I was tying him down to just me, but I told him if he ever did want to stray, to just please let me know in advance so I'm not too hurt by it. I also told him, if he did end up straying without telling me in advance, to please just use protection and tell me afterwards.

You are sounding like a huge pushover and while I can understand how that can happen when you have strong feelings for someone, it's really not healthy or fair to you. If what you want is monogamy then stand your ground. As it is now he has the okay to do whatever he wants and simply tell you what you want to hear when he does something you don't like.

What does kind of set me off though is that he never told me. I sort of feel like I had to drag it out of him. I did tell him that what I wanted was a monogamous relationship, but maybe he's just not the type of person who can do that (which is okay, it just means we can't be together). He told me he wants to make us work, and yes, there will be temptations, but it doesn't mean he has to give into those temptations.

It's pretty clear by his actions that he doesn't want to be monogamous. You don't have sex with three different guys while being interested in monogamy. I can understand one slip up, but three is two too many.

As things are now, even if he gives into these temptations, you'll just forgive him and he'll be able to cheat again and also have his relationship with you.

I'm not sure if I'm being an idiot for still being with him, or if I am in the wrong here for expecting a couple like ourselves to be monogamous? Ideally, that's the kind of relationship I want, and it's what he tells me he wants to, but then he sleeps with three men overseas and continues to flirt with men online. Perhaps the monogamy is just not possible? I don't even know if I should be feeling uncomfortable with his online flirtations; perhaps I'm being selfish and want that attention directed toward me. I don't like it that men are always flirting with him and he feeds them with attention, but is that just me asking for too much? I mean, I sort of think it's healthier for a relationship if one wants to flirt harmlessly to alleviate some temptation, but it does bother me.

You are definitely not in the wrong. If I were you, I'd forget about the idea of the two of you being monogamous and if monogamy is something that you need, I would move on. He's had numerous chances to do right by you and he hasn't.

If I were you, I'd move on. There are a lot of older guys who would love to be in a relationship with a guy such as yourself. Leave him, so you're free to find them and find a guy that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

[Georgiadude]

I posted this in the "am I wrong to take him back" thread in this forum so I just copied and pasted it here. Rather than type it all out again the answer is pretty much the same:

Since you asked. In my opinion, Yes you are wrong (an idiot) for taking him back. Your his puppet on a string. He knows he can do what he wants and you will allow him to do it. He doesn't care how bad he hurts you because if he did he wouldn't do it. Take a look through this forum and read how many guys have been in this same situation. Seldom do they turn out the way your hoping. Save yourself the further heartache and tell this jackass to find someone else to play his game with.

I've been in a very similar situation and it tore me apart but I had to end it. Take a long look at your posts and the replies. He's lied and cheated repeatedly and each time you've taken him back. Only to have him do it again. He's a cheater. Cheaters cheat. Every minute your away from him your going to be wondering where he is and who he's with. That's not how a relationship should be. You should be able to trust him and you can't trust him. If you do your a fool. He's proven time and again you simply can't trust him. I hope you've been having protected sex with him because only the lord knows what he's done behind your back.

Believe me. I know how much it hurts but you need to look out for yourself. Save yourself from more pain and end it for good. I guarantee you it wont bother him a bit. He'll be out looking for someone else a hell of a lot faster than you will. You have a heart. He doesn't.

I'm so sorry for what your having to go through but you deserve better.

Steven.

I don't want to kick you while your down but you need to grow a set and stand up for yourself. Being alone sucks but it's better than being put through what he's doing to you. He's using you, which is a terrible thing but your letting it happen. Is he worth all of this???? My answer is NOBODY is worth being treated like this. END THIS NOW. Get some counseling and work on your self esteem. Your not a door mat and don't deserve to be treated like one.

Steven.

 

[epod85]

Why am I visualizing the sailor with a girl at every port?

I'm assuming he travels a lot for buisness so what you need to ask is how often does this occur that you are unaware of?
You caught him once but that doesn't mean that was the first time.

If you want an open relationship with him then I suppose it's all good. But it sounds like you don't in which case leave him. No matter what you still feel for him you're only punishing yourself