Not sure what I am

[JB3]

Alright-
Since about my sophomore year of highschool I thought that I might be gay. I've just found myself attracted to other guys and attracted to gay porn. (it wasn't necessarily the gay part of it, but more the energy of it) I've never experimented with other guys or even attempted. On the other hand, I've never had a serious girlfriend, and I've never had sex either. This was a combination of me being shy and going to an extremely conservative college. Even though I probably could have found the right girl for a one night stand, I didn't want to risk my reputation since my college is small and word tended to travel fast.

I am now 22 and a graduate student and, well, I'm just plain confused. Last night, after much hand-wringing, I worked up the courage to experiment with another guy. (the details of how it happened aren't important) He was in the same boat as far as experimenting, so it was new for both of us. Basically, it encompassed everything that you might expect. (taking turns sucking/fucking/rimming each other) The fucking hurt like hell at first (his dick was pretty damn big for the first time, at least 8 inches, maybe 1.5/2 inches around), but after a bit it started to feel, well, good. He fucked me pretty hard, and to be honest, it didn't hurt that much. Fucking him felt pretty good, but that part would have felt similar if it had been a girl. I don't know if it was my anticipation for trying it, but it was actually completely different than I had imagined. (not as much pain when we got into it)

Today, as I was sitting back trying to wrap my head around what happened, it all felt like a dream. Even thinking about it now, my reaction is 'did that really actually happen'. I had thought about this so often, and I thought I would always feel guilty or ashamed, but I didn't, for the most part. The only thing I felt guilty about was the porn on my computer, which my immediate reaction to everything was to delete it. I didn't but it was a very strong reaction to the situation. I'm still petrified that people I know will find out, or that I'll see him around town, but I'm not regretful of what happened. I wanted to experiment and I got my chance.

Now, though, I'm even more confused. Since I've never been with a girl, I have nothing to compare to. I don't know if I'm gay, or bi, or straight. I do find myself attracted to girls, but not as often as I notice the cute guy walking to class or something similar. (the one girl that I honestly could have seen a future with, things didn't really get moving until a week before I graduated and she didn't want a long distance relationship. And even when things did move ahead with that girl, I found my subconscious pushing back against making out or going further.) On the flip side, I get really uncomfortable around other guys that are obviously gay. (I don't know what the term is, but I'd say 'super flaming')

I just don't know. I'm so confused and don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'm half tempted to talk to my older sister, but I am one of the most shy, easily embarrassed people you could meet. I get embarrassed when my parents make off-color cracks about sex, or any similar thing. I figured this might be the best place to ask, since all of you have had more experience with this than I have. If I'm gay, you know what, I'm fine with that. I think my parents have had clues, and they may be supportive (at least in front of me), but I'm just not sure what to do.

Can anyone help me?

 

[jensu846]

you're gay.. accept it & move on..

 

[looseliam]

I wouldn't be too concerned with what you are.

You're still figuring things out, it seems.

Go with the flow.

Wanna shag a guy? Go for it.

Wanna shag a girl? Go for it, too.

I've done both, and am glad I did.

 

[JB3]

you're gay.. accept it & move on..

Thats short and to the point, but not entirely helpful. I mean, for those of you that are gay or bi, when did it hit you? Was there any particular moment it clicked?

 

[Soilwork]

Thats short and to the point, but not entirely helpful. I mean, for those of you that are gay or bi, when did it hit you? Was there any particular moment it clicked?

You're 22, enjoyed getting fucked, push away girls and waiting for it to "click?"

This isn't Moulin Rouge and Kylie Minogue isn't going to hit you over the head with her magic wand.

Dude, you're an adult. Just accept it, own it, be it and stop waiting for the BIG SIGN. If you haven't seen it yet, you've been too busy covering your eyes to see it.

And for fuck's sake, if you're unable to bring yourself to come out at your school because "word travels fast," it's time to find a school where people study their books and not the private lives of other students. I mean really... the real world is out there waiting for you. Are you going to be wasting even more of your youth over-analyzing what's pretty clear to the rest of us?

 

[Soilwork]

Oh, and good on you for asking.

but yeah.. ya know?

 

[Lalada]

You're sexual, hey that's a start.

What you call yourself is up to you, and although so many others want to corner you into a box they're familiar with, it's you in the end.

Be yourself, be comfortable you know what you like, but no need to fret over labels.

 

[rareboy]

Yup.

Gay.

Just still somewhat repressed.

You had sex with a guy. You enjoyed it. Wait...it gets better.

If you want to find out if you also like sex with girls, you're going to have to find one to bang.

Then evaluate.

But I think you're gay.

Welcome to our team.

 

[KaraBulut]

Let's say you're gay. Then what?

There's nothing particularly unique or special about liking dick.

So many people agonize over the gay vs straight vs bi - like it's signing a mortgage or deciding which university to attend.

Really, there's so many more important things to worry about. If you enjoy sex with a guy and you enjoy gay porn, then just enjoy it for what it is.

 

[JB3]

You're 22, enjoyed getting fucked, push away girls and waiting for it to "click?"

This isn't Moulin Rouge and Kylie Minogue isn't going to hit you over the head with her magic wand.

Dude, you're an adult. Just accept it, own it, be it and stop waiting for the BIG SIGN. If you haven't seen it yet, you've been too busy covering your eyes to see it.

And for fuck's sake, if you're unable to bring yourself to come out at your school because "word travels fast," it's time to find a school where people study their books and not the private lives of other students. I mean really... the real world is out there waiting for you. Are you going to be wasting even more of your youth over-analyzing what's pretty clear to the rest of us?

That actually helped. I dunno, I've started to accept that I'm not straight, but its going to take me a while to accept that I'm either bi or gay. My biggest problem is that I don't have anyone to talk to (in person) about this. I have no friends that I would be comfortable discussing this with (at least, none that are within 300 miles of where I live), and my older sister lives 900 miles away.

Also, just to clarify; I graduated from the conservative school, and the situation there was more of getting a reputation for one night stands with easy girls than being gay.

 

[Soilwork]

Well luckily there are about a quarter of a milion people on JUB.

Mind you, 90% of them never post and some of us who do are kinda mean, but you WILL get some good advice if you look for it.

And hey... even assholes such as myself had to come out at one point and I personally was lucky enough to have a lot of older gay role models to tell me to stop making simple things so damn hard for myself.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Droid800

First off a belated welcome to JUB and CO&R... its great to have you here on our little forum!

Mate... your question... not sure what I am... Let me tell you the most important thing that you have to learn.

You are you.

Sounds so simple huh? Sadly its not when you listen and hear every word and every conversation echo around in your head that casts doubt on your right to be yourself... or your ability to be happy and free.

Our own self worth, especially as we deal with the revelation that we are gay, becomes guided by what we hear and what we see. We somehow lose focus on our right to be us and we start to become so concerned by what others think and say that we bend ourselves to suit them... and we hurt ourselves doing it.

Look... you found enjoyment, comfort, excitment, happiness, spontanaity and fun in the arms of another guy. Who does that make you? It makes you you. Just you.

The guy who laughs and cries and smiles and gets annoyed and who respects his family and friends and treats them well... a guy whos got the courage to come to a forum full of strangers who dont even know him and ask for help... a guy starting the journey to find out what makes him really happy.

Droid, being gay doesnt define you or change you... its just part of you. Sure, it makes you a little different (not around here though!) but so's your sense of humor, or your smile or your laugh or your fingerprint... its just another piece of your puzzle.

Finding what makes you happy, what frees you of guilt and expectation, what lets you accept yourself as a being just right is whats important. Becasue you are. And if being gay is part of that then great... all that means is that you love like everybody else... its just that you love another guy.

And that doenst change you at all. It just means that your happiness, your ability to love depend on your ability to be who you are. And that mate is you. Free of labels and concern and confusion. Just be you... let yourself grow and evolve and explore. Discover what makes you smile and what makes your heart explode... everyone else will just be happy that your happy.

 

[lamb-on-easter]

tallguys post is the best post on here, however, sometimes its a little hard to live in a world with no labels, you are still confused with what you want.

try this... imagine a world, forget everything you have ever seen or heard about fags and just think of a world when 33% of babys are born gay 33% are born straight and 33% are born bi. Obviously gay/bi would be accepted in that world, people wouldnt care what you are. would you be straight? would you be bi? would you be gay? probably not straight, huh?

now try this. forget sex. pretend its never been thought of. would you be able to love a girl.? would you be able to love a boy? im sure you could love a girl, you have before right?

try thinking of bi not as 50/50. consider bi as having feelings for girls and boys. being attracted to vaginas and penises.

dont let gender define your love, because one thing you will learn from the bi and gay community of JUB, is that love does not look at gender.

if you like boys, great. if you like girls, awesome.

you can like boys way more than girls and still be bi.

continue to experiment, have fun with it, but when experimenting with guys....dont just have sex with them...find a nice guy that isnt too gay(flame too much) and see if you can love him.

nobody here can give you an answer, we can assume and guess, but your the one that will have to find the answers alone.

good luck man!

 

[Lube]

Congrats and welcome to JUB.

You've had more gay sex than many gay guys (some gay guys never do anal sex, believe it or not). I think you're gay. It's tough to admit, but you'll get used to it. I don't subscribe to the "labels don't matter" theory. I mean, deaf people have to accept they're deaf; blacks have to accept they're black; why shouldn't gay guys accept that they're gay? Just accept it and move on.