Not sure what's going on....Long complicated story

[j-maas]

Ok, so I should start of by saying I'm a pretty paranoid dude, and I feel that I can link that back to a few things.

I should also say that transsexual porn really turns me on so it must be the two cocks in the picture right? I consider myself somewhat bissexual, but see no reason to try hooking up with a guy because I'm not sure it's what I'd enjoy. Still, I don't deny the fact that I like what I like and am not really in denial over anything sexuality related.

This is pretty much my story:

Ok, so back in senior year of high school, I used to hang out with a guy who I became good friends with. Never did I think of hooking up with him, I don't really think of guys like that, although I have my fetishes that I do admit (listed above).

I kinda always had the feeling he was a little "wierd" (sorry if I offend anyone). Basically I thought he was either gay or bisexual. I never asked him, because I really didn't care and it was none of my business.

So after hanging out with him for a while, and after another one of my friends pretty much comes on to me when he was "drunk", I begin to think people believe I'M gay. I did have wierd porn on my computer, mainly a few transexual videos, and I'm sure him or some other friends saw what was on there at some point, which is my rationalization for thinking this.

So a few more odd things like this happen, I still think people around me are creating situations (where they talk about gay things and coming out) because they feel I have a reason to "come out" to them.

At this point, I'm a little taken aback, because I have no idea where they are coming from.

So I get to college, and I'm very homesick and depressed. I had been on antipsychotics and anti depressants leading up to my departure, but decided to go to college anyways.

One day a group of girls come into my room, who I sort of know, and they flat out ask me "are you gay?". I replied NO, because to the best of my knowledge, I don't consider myself gay. That really got me thinking what other people thought about me, becuase I never really considered myself gay or bisexual to that point in my life. I then went into a tailspin after drug and alcohol abuse, that most certainly stemmed from the stress of having someone question my self identity I thought was pretty solid.

I end up going into a psychotic downward spiral, creating all sorts of delusions in my head, threatening suicide because I couldn't take the fact that it was a whole dorm building against me, and eventually left school shortly after, and was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for two weeks.

So years pass, I try to forget about this and live my life, but I really want to make sense of it, so I start digging.

Again, I keep getting vibes where people around me think they are making attempts to "save me" and help me come out to them, but I feel if I told them I was gay I would be lying to myself and to them.

I also feel like a lot or a good portion of my crazy emotional/mental states the past three years has been because of my toils with my own identity and sexuality. I'm pretty sure I have my sexuality indentified (more or less bisexual), and I thought this self discovery would make me comfortable, but people around me are still attempting to coax what they think is a huge issue out of me.

I feel like my own self discovery is enough for me. I have literally gone to hell and back, all sorts of crazy fucked up realizations about life and myself have surfaced, and I accept them for what they are. But is it really my obligation to make this known to every human being around me?

I feel that this notion that people are pretty much creating my life the way they see fit is causing me more trouble and anguish than any sexual realization I could ever have, gay or not. In some aspects, I feel like maybe I've been indirectly pressured into thinking I'm gay or bisexual just because of the constant antagonizing I feel people throw towards me.

I have flat out asked my family members why they think I'm gay and why they keep trying this sort of thing, but that only ends up in embarassment because they have no idea what I'm talking about.

I know I should tell my therapist about this, and plan to soon once I get back in contact, but can anyone help me out?

 

[Smitho]

Hi J mass,
You seem to have several complex and overlapping things going on here. I really think you should seek out professional help, rather than an internet forum.

Sorry I could not be more help.
Take Care

 

[Fishstix]

I completely understand where you're coming from and I'm 100% gay and proud of it. People can be so fucking nosy. Even if you were gay, it'd be none of their business and they should respect that other people will tell them things when they want to or if they're ready. Your sexuality doesn't effect their lives but some people love gossip and shit like that and stick their noses where it doesn't belong. It's sort of like homophobic people accusing gay people of being straight when they come out to them, people are accusing you of only liking men when you like women. Try your hardest not to take it personal, some people are just dumb and don't know better.

I think you could be straight and just have a tranny fetish which I guess would make you a small percent bisexual or you're bisexual. Even gay people have fetishes where seeing something different turns them on so maybe you're not attracted to guys at all unless they dress up as women. Maybe you like cock but not the rest of the male body. Whatever it is, try not to worry about what other people think. Some people on here would probably give you crap as well shouting "Yep, you're gay" or other stuff. You're in the really small minority of straight or bisexual men who have a tranny fetish and that's it. There's nothing wrong with you, I don't think you have psychological problems or anything.

You just need to find a way to deal with these people. Maybe confront them and tell them you hate it when they do the things they do and they'll probably leave you alone. Well that depends on the type of people. Maybe they'll only believe you when you finally get married and have kids but don't do that unless you meet a girl you fall in love with and have gotten to know really well and want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't want that and do like guys or both guys and girls then go with that. Only you know what you want and like and you should follow what YOU want and say screw you to everyone else.

The good thing though is that if you were gay, based on what you told us, it seems these people don't really seem homophobic or have a problem with it.

 

[Willie Boy]

I think the issue is within yourself and not from others. I am bisexual. Nobody ever questions my sexuality one way or the other. I don't drag my sexual preferences into every second of my everyday life. It is not the driving force behind my existence, therefor doesn't become an issue to others.

You mentioned a bit about paranoia and having both psychotic and suicidal tendencies. These are issues that you need to speak with a professional about. NOW, not later. It seems that you are suffering from continued paranoid delusions that others are trying to force you to conform to their view of what your sexuality should be.

I have a question for you: Why do the perceived expectations of others concern you so much? That is something you might want you therapist to help you discover.

Good luck.

 

[Ryuukie]

I'm sorry you're having this problem. Everyone is different. Me, I would be saying to everyone, "Fuck you." Go ask your mom if she's gay.

And then I would live my life exactly the way I wanted to.

 

[KaraBulut]

There isn't an easy answer that is going to solve all these weeks, months and perhaps years of anguish that you've been through.

Over the years, I've known quite a few bisexuals. But I've never known a bisexual who had the severe anguish that gay men have in their coming out process. Uncertainty? Yes. Trouble finding middle ground? Yes. Anguish and self-hatred? Not-so-much.

It's time to play "what if" with your therapist. So, what if you are gay? What would be so bad if you were?

 

[j-maas]

The thing is, other than a few physical issues (a little overweight and out of shape), I don't have a problem with who I am.

There are many reasons people will feel suicidal thoughts. If you went through life feeling like wherever you went, people were watching you and reporting on what you said and did, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? I think you'd want to end it too. If you felt like you had ABSOLUTELY NO control over what you did and what happens in your life, how would you feel? Pretty shitty.

It seems to me like everyone thinks these things about me WITHOUT saying so. It could be all in my head, or it could be an innate ability to read people's body language in addition to having everyone in my life basically fucking with my head.

The past year after going off of my medication I've been saturated with creativity (which is why I stop my meds), but all these messed up theories develop and I come so far from myself I don't know what's true or not.

I'm probably posting in the wrong forum, I should be in a schizo forum (although who knows if anyone would tell the truth there...)

And after saying all this, I should probably start taking my meds again... Although I've grown to distrust them as well.

Sorry for taking up your time everyone.

 

[j-maas]

I'm sorry you're having this problem. Everyone is different. Me, I would be saying to everyone, "Fuck you." Go ask your mom if she's gay.

And then I would live my life exactly the way I wanted to.

Had to add, this made me lol... thanks man.

 

[Willie Boy]

The thing is, other than a few physical issues (a little overweight and out of shape), I don't have a problem with who I am.

There are many reasons people will feel suicidal thoughts. If you went through life feeling like wherever you went, people were watching you and reporting on what you said and did, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? I think you'd want to end it too. If you felt like you had ABSOLUTELY NO control over what you did and what happens in your life, how would you feel? Pretty shitty.

It seems to me like everyone thinks these things about me WITHOUT saying so. It could be all in my head, or it could be an innate ability to read people's body language in addition to having everyone in my life basically fucking with my head.

The past year after going off of my medication I've been saturated with creativity (which is why I stop my meds), but all these messed up theories develop and I come so far from myself I don't know what's true or not.

I'm probably posting in the wrong forum, I should be in a schizo forum (although who knows if anyone would tell the truth there...)

And after saying all this, I should probably start taking my meds again... Although I've grown to distrust them as well.

Sorry for taking up your time everyone.

You are not "taking up our time", you are asking for our help. The problem is, you need to be seeking the help of a trained professional. There is a very minute (maybe one in 100,000,000,000 chance) that you are correct and everybody is secretly plotting behind your back. However, given the probability, that is extremely doubtful. You suffer from paranoid delusions. Your prescribed meds appear to help control this, with the side effect that you seem to lose creativity. Have you thought to share this with the therapist (psychologist or whatever) that prescribed it to you? Maybe he/she can adjust the dosage enough so you can have the benefits without too much of the side effects. But you need to talk to him/her and explain what is going on. Coming here and asking for help is good. But as a few of us have suggested, the best help is to seek out the professional help that your issue requires.

 

[Fishstix]

Yeah you're not taking up anyones time. We post because we choose to and because we want to. We want to help give advice so we post. If anyone who posted actually does feel like they've wasted their time then it's their own fault for taking up their own time by posting.