Not sure where to go from here...(LONG)

[jokn123]

Hi Everybody

Its been a long while since ive posted on these forums but im here today to ask for some advice or maybe im just here because im pretty fed up of keeping everything to myself since no one really understands what im feeling at the moment. Maybe i could here some opinions of people who might have lived in similar situations.

About 10 days ago i finished my relationship with my boyfriend who i was with for two years and a half. The past few months for us were pretty ugly. We started to become violent with eachother and as i know it is wrong we just seemed to fix everything after a fight made everything seem normal again. The manipulation and guilt i felt would always make me succumb and blame myself for being hit and after we finished fixing up the damage of the fight i always thought it would never happen again because for more than two years we never ever did something like this. Well it seemed i was completely wrong because it started happening about once every week, and i was never the one to start the hitting, i was just trying to defend myself so i wouldnt be beat to bad.

We had a very intense relationship where we were never separated from eachother, i think this was another problem with our relationship that wed never give eachother a break to relax when things were tense, well anyways from all the fighting, screaming and hitting that was happening between us my family decided that my boyfriend couldnt go back to that apartment anymore. (i live by myself but the economic part is taken care of by my family while im in university)

Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to think why my mother would have banned him and if i was in the wrong relationship i just got angry and abandoned my house and started renting out an apartment to live with him.

I had so many good memories with him i just tried defending everything we did together,, and sad to say he is a master at manipulation and he would make me feel that everybody was against me and he was my savior. During our relationship i lost a lot of friends and family just because he didnt agree who i was with.

Well living completely alone, ( he would leave all the time to go back to his parents house to get money, food, and everything for himself) it was hard for me to do anything, i really just had to concentrate on studying and not pay attention to all the damage i was doing to myself and others.

The fighting got worse when i was just with him, i got hit pretty bad on a couple of occasions and the last fight we had that was on the 17 of december i packed up all the things i could and went to my mothers place where she recieved me with open arms and said that she was very sad but knew this was going to happen at some point.

Now after giving a bit of backround im just going crazy right now, i deactivated my cellphone because i knew that he would start calling because everytime we would fight and i didnt want to talk to him he wouldnt stop calling until i asnwered, his record was 355 missed calls on my cellphone until i gave up and answered. I changed my email account, and im living with my mom now because im scared to death, i feel like he is following everywhere and at any opportunity he will ambush me and i wont know what to do.

On Christmas day i went to visit my apartment to pick up some things and out of nowhere his best friend appeared and started saying that my boyfriend or ex boyfriend feeels so sad, that he made so many mistakes and wants to fix them, he never wants me to leave and he said that we had to be together forever. In our relationship i felt these things and i would say to him that i did want to be with him forever because for 2 years everything ran very smoothly and i was having the time of my life. Now im just afraid he is going to do something to me or himself so we can be together, I told his best friend when she came to visit that i cant be with him and that he fucked me up so badly last time ill have the scars to remind me never to go back to him in my life again. I went upstairs and i waited for her to leave so i could come back to my mothers place.

Nobody really understands what im feeling because im very sad that my relationship ended because it was a great relationship for so long and i have so many excellent memories that its hard to get passed that. Im also glad its over because i was sick of feeeling guilty, getting hurt, screaming, crying, etc for so long. Im scared of whats going to happen tomorrow and im at the moment fixing the relationships i damaged over time but that takes a while and they are so out of the limbo (all my friends are straight and dont have the same type of intense relationship i did) and the only thing my family does is say what an asshole he was to have done all that to me, and i know this to be true but i just feel so bottled up i dont know where to go and dont know what to do next. Getting drunk for the first week was fine but im in the real world and i have to continue on with my life but i just dont know how to get started.

I hope this post isnt very confusing, my brain is going at athousand miles per hour and its hard to remember all the details of our relationship, hopefully i pointed out the big problems....

At the moment i just want to leave Bogota and go somewhere else where i can just relax but i dont think i have the money to go very far jajaja . Anyways if someone would have some advice for me it could really really help me out!

Bye!

 

[jokn123]

is there anyone out there that can give me some advice, i know its a bit boring to read but i would love some input, i just dont want to feel that alone at the moment

 

[josher]

Hi! There aren't a lot of people on the site at this time of night. I'm sure more will respond tomorrow. (Also, since it's Christmas week, many people are out and about.)

You were very wise to leave an abusive relationship. Do not even consider going back to him. Abusers never change, no matter how many promises they make. Do not have ANY contact with him in person or by phone. e-mail or texting. Walk away, if you run into him. Call the police if necessary.

Now you have to rebuild your life. Start by focusing simply on school, your family and your friends. Normalize your life.

There should be counseling available in a large city like Bogata for victims of abuse. Check for mental health websites. There might even be one specifically for gay men. Check out the LGBT resources in Bogata.

Do not attempt to find or jump into a new relationship with someone else until you've processed what has happened and understand how to recognize and deal with abusive people. People who have been the victims of an abusive partner often repeat the experience over and over again by choosing similar partners.

Most of all. realize you are a good person. You haven't done anything to deserve what happened to you. You need to be happy with yourself and then make plans for your future relationships that ensure that they are healthy and nurturing. I believe counseling is a must for you in order for you to move on.

Good luck to you!

 

[Croynan]

no 22 year old should have to go through what you have experienced what you have.

i agree with josher on the issue of getting to a therapist. now and not later.

i also agree with you about having no contact what so ever, with this guy.

good wishes for the New Year.

eM.

 

[palemale]

Adults know it is morally reprehensible to inflict violence on someone else when not acting in self defense. Someone who is violent lacks the self control to act in a morally appropriate way, It is really that simple. It's not like your ex-bf is suddenly going to realize that it was wrong to hit you. He knew it was wrong the first time he did it, he just lacked the self-control a normal adult has to refrain from hitting another person. He has a problem that you cannot fix and you were right to leave him and not go back.

Don't feel that you need to leave your city and your school because of him. Go on with your life, finish your studies, reconnect with your friends and family and, when the time comes, find a good guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

The advice in situations like this is never easy advice to give.

You've already taken the steps that you need to take- changing your phone, changing your email, moving out and removing yourself from his ability to manipulate you. If his friends are interfering, get them out of your life, too- they're being manipulated by your ex just like you were being manipulated.

The damage that is done in situations like this goes beyond physical. Long after the visible wounds heal, there's a lot of psychological damage that takes longer to heal.

Therapy is good place to start.

Begin repairing your self-esteem. If leaving town and going somewhere else temporarily is what you need to do, then do it.

Mourn for the lost relationship- it's over and the person that you used to know and love is long gone. Let go of it and move on with the rest of your life.

 

[jokn123]

Thank you so much for you responses,

its very conforting listening to other peoples opinions, i was finally able to change my phone number completely, even though im still gonna have it off because i really dont want to be bothered, the people who really are there for me know how to contact me.

I have a psiquiatry appointment tomorrow, i feel its gonna help me so much, im actually very excited to go.

I have some really low moments where i want to see him again and then i remember all the cruel things that happened to me and i just cant ever forgive that, and i never will.

I still wish i could just go somewhere because he was such an obsesive person he knows all the places i could possibly be at, even though im in a huge city, i know he could find me if im outside... which creeps me out so much.

I feel safe where im at now, just miss talking to people but i feel very much at home at this website where i can just say what i need to say and there are complete strangers that actually care and respond . Thank you so much, each day is a step further to complete recovery! have to stay positive hjehe

 

[tipmyscales86]

The guy you were with sounds exactly like my stepfather. He wouldn't let my mom out of his sight, and he was very manipulative and obsessive. He knew how to play on mom's feelings by using shame and guilt. He always badmouthed by mom's family and friends, trying to isolate her in a world that only included him. With me, he would always put me down about being gay behind my back, but to my face he always put on an act of being nice. There were moments of physical abuse in their relationship, one time with him pulling a knife on her. Everyday for her was mental abuse, as he'd get nasty while drinking alcohol every single night.

My mom moved out and is trying to get a divorce, but he still has a grip on her that me and the rest of the family is trying to help her get out of. Her biggest mistake was giving in and talking to him after he bombarded her phone, as well as her facebook and myspace with messages. My mom is very afraid that he is going to stalk her...and this is a very unstable man that owns guns and talks about suicide often. Every single bad trait that you can read about a Scorpio, he has them all and more.

So just know that there are other people that have gone through these suffocating type relationships. The biggest thing I could advise is to not have any contact with this guy.

 

[JackFTwist]

I was in a relationship like yours for a lot longer than yours lasted. Other than length of time, very similar.

Trust me: once an abuser, always an abuser.

Interesting that my friends all thought he was the worst thing in the world and wanted me out of the relationship; his friends thought I was the best thing in the world for him and encouraged me to hang in; and our friends liked things just as they were. And I loved him very much. Finally, finally, I finally understood that the abusing bastard was never going to change his abusive and manipulating ways, my fantasies that it would get better would never happen, and maybe I should listen to the friends who loved me.

A few years have passed. I recall with sadness how needy I was i love with him to hang with him so long, and I bitterly regret the wasted years of my life and all that was lost while I lived his life.

rejoice you are out of it now and never, ever, not ever, never, go back.

 

[jokn123]

He knew how to play on mom's feelings by using shame and guilt. He always badmouthed by mom's family and friends, trying to isolate her in a world that only included him.

I felt exactly the same, he knows my soft points and completely manipualtes them to get what he wanted. I feel completely isolated since our friends our completly for him cause they do not know the damage that he did to me.

Interesting that my friends all thought he was the worst thing in the world and wanted me out of the relationship; his friends thought I was the best thing in the world for him and encouraged me to hang in

Wow, im truly in disbelief that i feel the exact same things, my friends always told me like what the hell are you doing, please try and respect yourself and get in a better relationship where somone actually cares about you!!. All his friends would just support our relationship and take our relationship as an example of others and that we can never break up since to them we are the "perfect couple"

I just recieved a dozen of flowers and a letter from him saying how he apologizes and he will never act like that again and he apologizes to my friends and family for all the wrong doing he did, but i have it burnt in my head that once an abuser always an abuser and i dont think i will ever get over that which gives me the strength to continue on my life even though i know he is gonna try to make mine impossible for the next months but there is nothing else i can do but continue forward!

 

[tipmyscales86]

Reestablishing the friendships you had with people before this guy came into your life, and building some new friendships will definitely help you get through this. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.