Not your normal "Am I Gay" Question

[menotme123]

Hi everyone, I have a bit of a problem I'd like some help on. Thanks in advance


Ever since I've been really young I knew I was different. Around 13 I started being physically attracted to other guys. I pretty much ignored it because I didn't want to be gay. At age 15 I got a girlfriend, it only lasted for a month or so though. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I was emotionally (she was such a great person).

I'm attracted to other guys that are more masculine than myself and when I see them I wish I looked like them. Like i know one guy i seem to think is hot because he can grow a beard, and I wish i could (I'm 18, and can almost). So I'm not sure its a normal attraction, maybe just jealousy/wanting to look like that guy. Only thing is I get turned on by guys, like I'll pop one so easily, lol. So I'm confused there.

A couple weeks ago i hooked up with a old bud of mine. I don't have any attraction to him at all, but we got talking and eventually ended up sucking each other off. While we were doing it I enjoyed it, but after I felt extremely dirty and any gay thought that came in my mind disgusted me for a day or so after that. I don't want to do it again, but I'm not sure if that is just because I'm not attracted to him, or if it's because I'm not really gay.

I could see myself in a relationship with a girl, but I'm afraid it would fall apart due to no physical attraction. I could also see myself with a guy, but I seem to get disgusted by it. So I'm not sure what I am.

I would like to be able to have a good relationship with a girl and get these gay feelings out of my head, but I'm not sure if that's possible.

Thanks again to anyone who replies!

 

[benlemieux2003]

Hey dude,

You could be bi, but this whole story tells me you're most likely gay. It's always weird the first few times, the "dirty" feeling and all, same happened to me. That's just the way you've been conditioned to believe.

I honestly don't think you can get rid of those feelings since they're very strong. I'd truly recommend some serious introspection, take a bit of time for yourself to think about it (and don't judge yourself either). I'd also recommend talking to a trusted friend or relative. I think your biggest issue right now is self-acceptance, now that you've clearly admitted you're into guys, which is already a really big step.

With some time and some talk, I think you'll be just fine with who you are. Just typing that is a show of strength on your behalf.

Best of luck man.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm sort of siding with ben. From what you've said, I'd guess that you are in fact gay - you're just not comfortable with it yet. I'd say give yourself time to get used to it. Once you feel more comfortable with the fact, you'll probably have less (or no) guilt/"dirty feelings" after sex with a guy.

Lex

 

[Xpione]

You should explore more about yourself. However. first sexual attraction usually is disgusting.

 

[lumberjack037200]

You are exactly in the position that I was a couple of years ago.

I find it interesting that you have an attraction to beards, that's one of my main attractions too, [some have said fetichistic]. And the the whole, I wish I was "manlier" like them is exactly what I think too.

I used to puke the days after I told anyone I was gay, but then in time, you begin to feel more comfortable, with yourself and those around you. I also think, if you are in college, that you begin to realize that homosexuality is not an issue with people who are educated.

I really would suggest that you pick up a couple of books that will help you cope with the "disgust". There is a big differerence in understanding and coping with these feelings and trying to hide them.

I'm NOT telling you that you will become a pride parade in a couple of years, but if this pattern is anything like my experience, you will come to understand that to be gay is not to fit the stereotype. You will find manly men that are out there that are gay, and think it's so manly to say "yeah, i like dudes. so what?"

please send me a message if you want to continue talking about this.
i can recommend you a lot of books, "the velvet rage" is one of my most recommended books for coming out.

no, i'm not out to my parents, or at work, just to some friends, and yes the road is quite rough.

i hope you will come to fall in love with paul bunyan as much as me. lol.

 

[StudboySeth]

i was in your same position as recently as a year ago...I came out to myself then and it was horrible. Don't do what I did. My family was really Baptist and I wanted to kill myself since 4th grade, then realized last year that there's no amount of praying, hating myself, or wishing that would turn me straight...so then I wound up becoming a drunken slut, spent like $15,000 going otu drinking in the course of a year, wound up getting raped, going on hiv drugs for a month, throwing up about 5 times a day for that month, then still went out like a drunken slut. I'm mostly better now, my first real relationship taught me how to be pretty much. just accept it if you can, don't try to offset your feelings of inadequacy with booze and sex, and find a guy that likes you for more than your ass/dick. Let your parents know, it makes it a lot better, I thought mine would hate me, but they still love me and are afraid of losing me since they know. It's really not as scary as it seems, you'll be much happier if you just accept it.

 

[FabFairy]

It is not uncommon to have feeling for girls because society dictates that is the norm. So it is best that you forget what you have been taught or pre-judgement about what is normal. There are ways and you will need to find what works for you.

My first reaction would be to say your Gay but i'm not sure that you have developed personally enough for it to be accurate. The things you are feeling at the moment indicate that your blocking your true feelings and are generally caused by something like a strong religious background, tho you do not indicate you grow up with a religious background.

There can be other causes but religion is the most common. I don't recommend booze, sex and drugs to overcome any problems and think a counselor my be of great benefit. Preferrable one who is at least gay friendly and not a friend of your family.

Give yourself a hug and be more accepting of yourself because you will need this if you want to succeed. Good Luck

 

[SilverRRCloud]

The first thing that you want to do is to reconsider your upbringing. It sounds like that you have been fully conditioned to be on the 'sex-negative' side. You feel disgusted and dirty because the sexual act you committed is not the one sanctioned by your environment.

Further on, sex is not necessarily enjoyable per sei. Exchanging blow jobs may work for most dudes but it may not really work for you. (Frankly, it would also never work for me either. I like to top.) You want to take it easy on yourself and explore further afield.

Thirdly, you want to start changing your view of the world. The things are as they are. They are not here for me to love them and enjoy them, unless I learn how to get there.

---
Some 25 years ago, I made my first major India trip. I have been always into the history and art history in particular. Besides, that trip allowed me the freedom to branch out and go off the beaten track.

I made it into the deep country and there were those kids swarming around, who had most likely never seen couple of guys from a distant place. Anyway. I had some fancy chocolate with me and gave few bits to the kids around. Since they saw me eat the stuff, they did the same.

However, after tasting it, they all spat it out on the palms of their hands, looking at it in awe. No one has ever thought them about how they should have liked the chocolate, sugar and all that stuff. It did not naturally appeal to them. They needed to be taught that the stuff was good and desirable.

---
I'd say, you are there. You need to learn to love the stuff. It does not always come naturally.

SC

 

[rareboy]

Hmmmmmmmm....listen to studboy seth...you definitely don't want to end up as fucked up.

First, relax. There is a lot more to being gay than where you put your cock. Think this through with the drama and emotion. Spend some time experimenting to see where you're most comfortable and fulfilled, without loading every experience with 500 kilos of baggage like so many do.

I suspect, your disgust is just attached to guilt about sex in general or societal conditioning about homo sex being wrong or dirty. Jeez, it is just orgasm and ejaculation, not investing in the equities market for your retirement. You have tons of cum to share in your life yet, so don't get all tied up in knots because of a couple of wasted deposits.

 

[menotme123]

Hey guys, thanks for all your replies,

I'm not religious at all, just agnostic (don't believe in anything, but still there could be something). I don't think my parents would react well to me if i told them who I was (they making fun of gays).

Problem is though, I don't fit the stereotypical gay. I'm not feminine, I love cars, ATVs, anything that a typical guy would. I'd actually like to try straight sex with a women (even though thats harder to come by, lol) and see how it works out. I usually whack off to gay porn, but I've done it to straight porn too and it works just as good. The only thing making me not complelty bi would be that I can't seem to muster up a physical attraction to girls. I know if their "hot" or "not" probably because what all my friends say about them. I love some of their personalities so I can easily become emotionally attracted. I don't think can become emotionally attracted to a guy though, so that's the hard part about this.

 

[Ninja108]

There are lots of gays that are not feminine and into the same things as you. I'm into nature, traveling, sports and don't go shopping that much. It'll take time to be comfortable with yourself, just give it time but there are many gay guys out there just like you so don't worry. My bf who is bi had the same worries but two years and two months later, he's comfortable with it. Just keep your head up

 

[G-Lexington]

Menotme, as you go along, you'll find that very few gays fit the mold all the way. I'm not feminine, I love rock music, I dress like a slob, I go to sporting events a lot and cheer the fights, etc etc etc. But, as my sister says, "you like-y the dick, so gay you be." And I have several women in my life - not sexual relationships, obviously, but women I adore and cherish and can share most everything with. Being gay doesn't mean not forming relationships with women. In fact, you'll probably find there are some women out there who love being able to talk to a guy without any fear of "taking things the wrong way". At least, that's been my experience.

Lex

 

[kurtwild]

i agree.you are gay dont worry.
everything will be cool in some time.

 

[rareboy]

Hi again...it is kinda sweet...you obviously are soooooooooo gay ignorant and I mean that in the innocent kind of way. Gays are not all swishy or drag queens.........each one is quite different. I love opera but I can take a tractor apart and put it back together. You are the one stereotyping. This tells me that you are really conflicted because you think there is a standard of behaviour that all gays must adhere to. This also tells me that you have lousy Gaydar and we're going to have to work on this.

I would say that if you feel no emotional commitment to the idea of gay sex or no interest in tagging the hot babes, you're probably just still immature emotionally and hopefully you'll still develop into a well rounded and well balanced person, gay, straight, or in between.....what you don't want to be is a self hating guilt raddled sociopath who marries a woman because he's afraid of his parents or his own heart, ends up hating her and spends a lifetime cheating by having sex with guys which he rationalizes is okay because he doesn't have any emotional feelings for his tricks.

 

[menotme123]

Thanks everyone, I'm going to try the other sides of things first (getting a lady) and see how I like that, I just feel bad for her if I do end up not liking it and have to break up.

 

[menotme123]

I would love to have a wife and kids, but maybe thats just because that's most poeple's dream, i dunno.

Thanks again

 

[hermanding]

menotme, if you have no fisical atracion at all for girls - you probably are gay. that chemical fisical bond is down deep, basic, fundamental. there is nothing disgusting about being a gay guy. infact, i think they (we) are special. i hope you can work through this. talk to us about it all you want
ding

 

[Piquechampion]

Dude accept the fact you´re gay. You don´t have sexual attraction to girls. Better now, than after you get married and have kids, and then the drama there will be, uffffff!!!!

 

[tallguy297]

G'day menotme123,

Mate the title of your thread "not your normal am I gay question" holds a lot of answers for you here... and its the first place you've got to start.

Your question is the same question, your situation is the same situation faced by thousands of guys - some right now, some yesterday, some tomorrow. There are thousands of great guys struggling with thier own thoughts and emotions, their own turmoil and guilt right now, as you read this.

And thats the very first thing you have to realise. You are normal in that regard. You are not alone. You are struggling with a battle thats been fought and won for as long as men have been men. You are asking the same questions that most of us have asked...some at 19, some at 45, some at 14. You are not alone, your are not a freak, your not some crazy guilt ridden fool.

You are an individual, one with enormous potential, strength and courage, with wisdom enough to seek answers and ask questions, you care and love and you laugh and cry. You are you. You are the guy that your family and friends hold dear to their hearts...and always will.

But you are also a guy learning to love and accept himself. And thats a process that can take some time... but its a process that you need to go through. Just as you would help a friend or loved one accept major change in their lives you need to grant yourself the same time and effort here.

So many of us, so many of the guys who post here asking for help or who reply offering help have been where you are menotme. At some stage or another we have questioned our sexuality, struggled with how we thought we were supposed to be...married, wife, kids, house and dog...only to realise that its not who we are. It can be hard to let go of others and our own expectations of what our lives should look like. It can be hard to let go of the guilt that comes with a pleasure that part of us still thinks is wrong.

So many of us went through parts of our lives where we enjoyed the fantasies of being with guys and then being washed with guilt.

Menotme....this is struggle is won when you love yourself. Value yourself. Give yourself the freedom and honesty that you deserve.

There is no typical gay guy. We are all different. We all love and value different things...spend some time here at JUB and take a look at some of the guys who post here. Its just another false impression that we are all clothes slaves, fashion junkies, queenie types. Thats what makes you so important. Yes there are those guys...and then there are the guys like me and you who like cars, getting our hands dirty, watching the footy with mates... our diversity is our strength.

You being gay or bi doesnt change you. It doesnt mean you have to become someone your not. Thats the last thing you should ever do...but its what you;re struggling with now... its a fight within you thats being fought as you realise that the inside and outside are different...but it doesnt matter. It makes you whole... and truly they are the same. You are still you. Accepting that you are an amazing guy that has great morales and integrity, but is also someone who likes guys, is what makes you happy. Its what gets rid of the guilt and fear.

Learn to love yourself for who you are. Let yourself accept that you may be gay or bi...you dont have to say it right now... but you need to accept that possibility.

And most of all you have to realise that you will always be you. The same great guy that we all see now. Nothing will change when you accept yourself for who you are, you will always be you. An individual who conforms to no stereotype who loves the way he knows how and the one who will take his own path through life.

Theres no right or wrong way to be...whether you;re straight gay or bi. But there is a right way to be you. And thats where you love yourself for the guy you are and you let yourself be happy... you let yourself live your life with the freedom you deserve.

Just take it one day at a time menotme. And realise that no matter who you are you will always be loved and you'll never be alone. Ever.

 

[benlemieux2003]

Amen to that tallguy.

Hey that reminded me of V for Vendetta for a sec. Sweet