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Nothing pisses me off more

Runner1

Runner1

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...than people that come out for other people.

I have a friend that is in college and is still very uncomfortable with his sexuality. I told him that he did not have to come out until he felt absolutely ready. I also told him to make sure that the people he was coming out to were trustworthy.

So i get a call from him crying that his friends and sisters back home have all found out-- and what's worse is that a lot of people didn't take it very well. Turns out he told a girl who, once informed, took the liberty of communicating the information to all her friends as "gossip".

I was FURIOUS.

I know he would have had to tell his family and friends eventually, but I hate when people come out for others before they're even comfortable with it themselves.. let alone other people knowing... you know?
 
A secret is no longer a secret as soon as one other person is told. If you don't want something known, keep your mouth shut.

It is a disappointment that what happened happened to your friend, but once again, if he told someone, even in confidence, it is likely to come out at some point.
 
it's called respect for another human being...

Poor guy. No one deserves that kind of thing, unless he specifically told people he was straight and/or made fun of gay people.
 
I had a strict policy on this when i was coming out, i said to people id rather you didnt just go around telling everyone, cause id rather be the one to tell them myself. However i always said that i never wanted anyone to lie for me if asked. I think it worked well, its not fair for someone to out you to anyone without considering your feelings but its also not fair to expect anyone else to lie for you seeing as coming out is about breaking all that down. In the end my coming out to my parents was done by my sister, she didnt tell them but they asked and she was very grateful that i had made it to clear to her that i didnt expect her to lie for me just dont broadcast it all over till could tell the peole i cared about.
 
Outing someone, especially in the form of "gossip" is never acceptable. I'd be furious too. Hopefully, he'll be able to come to terms with what happened and do damage-control to the extent he needs to. He's going to need his friends right now--glad you're nearby.
 
oz_doc said:
I think it worked well, its not fair for someone to out you to anyone without considering your feelings but its also not fair to expect anyone else to lie for you seeing as coming out is about breaking all that down.
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True as this may be, I don't see how this applies to my story whatsoever. This girl wasn't even in a position to lie about anything, she wasn't even ASKED. She took it upon herself to spread the news to his friends back home.

You make it sound like it's my friend's fault. I KNOW it's not fair to expect people to lie but is it too much to ask to keep it to yourself? That's why i'm angry. She went out of her way to out him.
 
I agree with you, it's total BS to out someone. With that said, it was a risk he took by telling people. In the long run, it may turn out to be a blessing.
 
It sucks when people can't keep a secret like that. I went through something like that but not as bad. The first person I came out to was someone I thought I could trust with anything. A couple months later I found out she had told two other mutual friends of ours only a few days after I had told her. It felt horrible when I found out . It feels like I didn't have control over who knows and who doesn't, that combined with fear of how they perceive me now and who else might have found out. I hope your friend gets through this alright.
 
As sad is it is and unfortunate. I usually dont feel sympathy for people who tell people and are devastated when those people take the liberty of informing everyone... because you shouldn't have told them then.

when I began coming out.. I knew those I told would either A) not tell anyone of importance or B) not told at all.

I dont know... you shouldn't trust them if you aren't comfortable with yourself.. like someone said earlier
 
Runner1 said:
True as this may be, I don't see how this applies to my story whatsoever. This girl wasn't even in a position to lie about anything, she wasn't even ASKED. She took it upon herself to spread the news to his friends back home.

You make it sound like it's my friend's fault. I KNOW it's not fair to expect people to lie but is it too much to ask to keep it to yourself? That's why i'm angry. She went out of her way to out him.
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You misinterpreted what i said, my point was that its totally innapropriate to randomly out someone before theyve had a chance to tell the special people in their life, but the corollary if you want them to respect your rights is that i feel it is innapropriate to ask them to lie IF ASKED DIRECTLY. This is an improtant distinctin cause most people have some sort of gaydar these days and i felt that if somebody i had told was asked by someone if i was gay i left it up to them what they told them because thats their autonomy and asking them to lie i feel is direspectful, in the end im glad i was upfront about this because my parents did ask my sister this exact thing and she would have been in a very difficult situation if she hadnt know if i minded her telling them.

I was just putting out there a way to let people know what your comfortable with without asking them to do something that theyre not comfortable with ie lie for you. I wasnt saying it was your frineds fault quite the opposite.
 
Perhaps his friend will one day aspirate on the vomit of her gossip and lie unnoticed until her carcass begins to stink.
 
oz_doc said:
You misinterpreted what i said, my point was that its totally innapropriate to randomly out someone before theyve had a chance to tell the special people in their life, but the corollary if you want them to respect your rights is that i feel it is innapropriate to ask them to lie IF ASKED DIRECTLY. This is an improtant distinctin cause most people have some sort of gaydar these days and i felt that if somebody i had told was asked by someone if i was gay i left it up to them what they told them because thats their autonomy and asking them to lie i feel is direspectful, in the end im glad i was upfront about this because my parents did ask my sister this exact thing and she would have been in a very difficult situation if she hadnt know if i minded her telling them.

I was just putting out there a way to let people know what your comfortable with without asking them to do something that theyre not comfortable with ie lie for you. I wasnt saying it was your frineds fault quite the opposite.
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I definitely agree that he shouldn't expect people to life for him, but my original post had nothing to do at all with anyone lying for anyone. She wasn't asked-- directly or indirectly. If you would've said that you included that part about lying as a seperate, additional part to the post then it would have made more sense, otherwise i really don't see how that fits into my story. Yea, people have gaydar, and yea if she were asked she might chose not to lie and tell the truth. I understand that goes along with confiding in people, but my outrage is because she took it upon herself to tell people.
 
It's been a couple of days. Is your friend doing better now?
 
I thought you were going to say people that wear socks with sandals lol.
But being serious, nobody should be forced out of the closet. I was forced out of the closet when I was 17, (my mom caught me with a guy) and it probably has scarred me for life. People should come to terms with their homosexuality. I feel bad for your friend.
 
benlemieux2003 said:
#1 rule.

If you want only the people YOU want to know about you, don't tell females.
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I think it's safe to say that that statement's a universal truth.

But in high school, I actually relied on my friend to out me to people. (She spoke to other people with the assumption that they knew of my sexuality. It was pretty funny to see their reactions.) I mean, I can come out on my own; it's just easier and faster to let another person do it.
 
dont tell females? ha, it was a gay guy who told in my case... so dont trust a queen period... ha

hahaha just playing
 
boy0boy said:
dont tell females? ha, it was a gay guy who told in my case... so dont trust a queen period... ha

hahaha just playing
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actually that can be true in some cases. a friend of mine was outted by another guy after he refused to give in to blackmail. what was really fucked up was the way they went about it. called his wife, his job, and even informed random people on the street. now i know alot of people would say that he deserved it because of his marital status but i don't agree. if the person was doing it out of actual concern for wifey, that might've been a different story, but it was obviously done out of spite. Of course everything would've ended up coming out sooner or later anyway. what i didn't get about the situation though is how anybody could've POSSIBLY not known about him. it was obvious to me from the day i met him and i was like 12.
 
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