nuttsy1la
Slut
I didn’t want my first blog to be a heavy one, but as I reflect on the things happening in my life at the moment it dawns on me that it’s utterly inevitable that this will be nothing less than ‘heavy’. I should probably open this first entry with a little information about its’ author so that you can understand where I come from and a little about who I am. For those of you who know me here at JUB and maybe from other areas as well you already have an idea, this is for those who are meeting me for the first time…to you I say hello and welcome. 
My name is Kevin and I live and work in the Greater Los Angeles area, more specifically the San Fernando Valley, or for those of you who are 80’s movie fans, “The Valley” and the home of the “Valley Girl”. I just realized that writing that alone semi-dated me, but oh well…I admit it…I am getting older and that’s okay, 30 is going to be an um, interesting year indeed.
I work in Information Technology (yes, I am a geek and quite proud of it), I also volunteer with several charities close to my heart, one of which is the Boys and Girls Club. I honestly feel that we should all give back in life because we all take so much every day and we take it for granted most of the time. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years (I know…that’s like what 100 in gay years?), and if you didn’t figure out from that statement I am indeed *gasp* a gay male.
Now that I have hammered through the background crap I can move on and begin my official first entry. Wow…now that I have reached this point what do I say? I guess I should just start and see where it takes me…
Most of the drama which has shaped my way of thinking started in 2004 with the sudden death of my partners’ mother. Being the ‘preferred child’ and also the fact that she was his best friend, he took her death which was sudden extremely hard. We had a lot of issues happening in our life at that time as well, he had lost his job in a layoff and then with his mother…it pushed him over the edge in many aspects. This all started in April, by October I was having a talk with him and finding out he’d been using Crystal Meth. For those of you unfamiliar with what it is, there will be a link at the end of this to a site dedicated to education on the subject.
He began to do meetings (CMA), and see someone…but relapses occurred and we started from square one again. It was difficult but I am somewhat loyal to a fault and never placed any blame and we started over each time. I wasn’t aware of what the drug was actually doing to him both physically and mentally. It is one of the things I consider pure evil in this world…meth is a drug which is so addictive to the user that they will forsake all normal logic just to get at their next use. This wasn’t my partner…it really was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
During all of this my mental stress with my job (expanding and more demanding), my partners abuse (also expanding however hard he hid it from me), and my family (don’t even want to start on that one). We had also been in the process of adoption when all this started and one of the hardest phone calls I ever had to make was to cancel everything and put our case file in inactive status because I could not in all good consciousness bring a child into our home which was so dysfunctional. It was a lot of stress for me to digest daily and I decided I needed to get away for a bit. The perfect opportunity presented itself in an invite to go to Spain with friends.
I scheduled my time off with work, and I took the month of March off. I went to Spain as well as several other countries visiting friends and getting in a lot of personal time alone as well so I could think. When everything was said and done I had decided I was in it for the long haul, but that he had to go to rehabilitation if he expected me to stay, I simply could not live like I had been day to day.
I arrived in LA at the beginning for April to find out that my partner had hit rock bottom while I was gone, his abuse had become so bad he’d been physically injured and was now in a rehab detox. For anyone who has ever been through this personally or has had a loved one who has gone though it…it is exceptionally hard to watch. I was fortunate in the fact that the clinic would not allow ANY visitation until he’d reached a certain point and all parties agreed that it was time.
A good deal has come out in counseling about his past he buried (which have explained SO many behaviors he had), but also some of the things he did while high which I didn’t know about…these included unprotected sex and visiting sex clubs. Those simple things shook me up, but I realized that there was no changing his past behaviors and while high he really wasn’t himself in any way shape or form. However the risks which come with such behavior stuck in my mind. He was tested for a variety of things from organ damage from using to STD’s and HIV.
I also was tested and my first round came back as HIV, STD, and HEP negative. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to making sure he was getting better and that things between us began to mend. I know I am not the only couple to ever go through this; there are people in my counseling sessions, group sessions, and my Al-Anon meetings which have the same story. My story changed last night…it changed in so many ways I cannot begin to fathom them all.
Yesterday he got his lab results back, STD and HEP negative, HIV positive.
I called my doctor’s office and scheduled another test for me, but I also knew that things for him are in total chaos. I spent more than half the night up with him, holding him while he sobbed until he couldn’t anymore and finally fell into a fitful slumber. I cannot even begin to sort out things. I knew this was a 50/50 chance when he got the test because of his activities while high. I thought a lot about what I would do depending on both outcomes. I am doing exactly what I said I would do now, be there for him and help him in any way I can. I want him to know he’s not alone.
I don’t think I am positive or anything, my first test (a speed test 48hr turn around) isn’t 100% accurate, but because it was negative the first time I feel a bit more confident about the other test being the same far more than I would have before.
Life is like a game of dodge ball…they keep throwing them at you, most of the time they miss you, but every once in awhile you get hit by one and you didn’t really see it coming. That is kind of how I feel now, I was in the game, and I knew a ball could get me…but I honestly didn’t see this one until it nailed me.
“One day at a time…moving forward and not looking back, for you cannot change the past, but you can affect the future.”
Welcome to my rather messed up world at the moment…this is my first blog and lord knows I am sure the following ones will show more of my humor and light side…but this is my life at the moment and for those of you just meeting me, now maybe you will understand future posts a bit better if I happen to mention something.
*Hugs*
Kev
Crystal Meth Anonymous
Crystal Meth Information
My name is Kevin and I live and work in the Greater Los Angeles area, more specifically the San Fernando Valley, or for those of you who are 80’s movie fans, “The Valley” and the home of the “Valley Girl”. I just realized that writing that alone semi-dated me, but oh well…I admit it…I am getting older and that’s okay, 30 is going to be an um, interesting year indeed.
I work in Information Technology (yes, I am a geek and quite proud of it), I also volunteer with several charities close to my heart, one of which is the Boys and Girls Club. I honestly feel that we should all give back in life because we all take so much every day and we take it for granted most of the time. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years (I know…that’s like what 100 in gay years?), and if you didn’t figure out from that statement I am indeed *gasp* a gay male.
Now that I have hammered through the background crap I can move on and begin my official first entry. Wow…now that I have reached this point what do I say? I guess I should just start and see where it takes me…
Most of the drama which has shaped my way of thinking started in 2004 with the sudden death of my partners’ mother. Being the ‘preferred child’ and also the fact that she was his best friend, he took her death which was sudden extremely hard. We had a lot of issues happening in our life at that time as well, he had lost his job in a layoff and then with his mother…it pushed him over the edge in many aspects. This all started in April, by October I was having a talk with him and finding out he’d been using Crystal Meth. For those of you unfamiliar with what it is, there will be a link at the end of this to a site dedicated to education on the subject.
He began to do meetings (CMA), and see someone…but relapses occurred and we started from square one again. It was difficult but I am somewhat loyal to a fault and never placed any blame and we started over each time. I wasn’t aware of what the drug was actually doing to him both physically and mentally. It is one of the things I consider pure evil in this world…meth is a drug which is so addictive to the user that they will forsake all normal logic just to get at their next use. This wasn’t my partner…it really was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
During all of this my mental stress with my job (expanding and more demanding), my partners abuse (also expanding however hard he hid it from me), and my family (don’t even want to start on that one). We had also been in the process of adoption when all this started and one of the hardest phone calls I ever had to make was to cancel everything and put our case file in inactive status because I could not in all good consciousness bring a child into our home which was so dysfunctional. It was a lot of stress for me to digest daily and I decided I needed to get away for a bit. The perfect opportunity presented itself in an invite to go to Spain with friends.
I scheduled my time off with work, and I took the month of March off. I went to Spain as well as several other countries visiting friends and getting in a lot of personal time alone as well so I could think. When everything was said and done I had decided I was in it for the long haul, but that he had to go to rehabilitation if he expected me to stay, I simply could not live like I had been day to day.
I arrived in LA at the beginning for April to find out that my partner had hit rock bottom while I was gone, his abuse had become so bad he’d been physically injured and was now in a rehab detox. For anyone who has ever been through this personally or has had a loved one who has gone though it…it is exceptionally hard to watch. I was fortunate in the fact that the clinic would not allow ANY visitation until he’d reached a certain point and all parties agreed that it was time.
A good deal has come out in counseling about his past he buried (which have explained SO many behaviors he had), but also some of the things he did while high which I didn’t know about…these included unprotected sex and visiting sex clubs. Those simple things shook me up, but I realized that there was no changing his past behaviors and while high he really wasn’t himself in any way shape or form. However the risks which come with such behavior stuck in my mind. He was tested for a variety of things from organ damage from using to STD’s and HIV.
I also was tested and my first round came back as HIV, STD, and HEP negative. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to making sure he was getting better and that things between us began to mend. I know I am not the only couple to ever go through this; there are people in my counseling sessions, group sessions, and my Al-Anon meetings which have the same story. My story changed last night…it changed in so many ways I cannot begin to fathom them all.
Yesterday he got his lab results back, STD and HEP negative, HIV positive.
I called my doctor’s office and scheduled another test for me, but I also knew that things for him are in total chaos. I spent more than half the night up with him, holding him while he sobbed until he couldn’t anymore and finally fell into a fitful slumber. I cannot even begin to sort out things. I knew this was a 50/50 chance when he got the test because of his activities while high. I thought a lot about what I would do depending on both outcomes. I am doing exactly what I said I would do now, be there for him and help him in any way I can. I want him to know he’s not alone.
I don’t think I am positive or anything, my first test (a speed test 48hr turn around) isn’t 100% accurate, but because it was negative the first time I feel a bit more confident about the other test being the same far more than I would have before.
Life is like a game of dodge ball…they keep throwing them at you, most of the time they miss you, but every once in awhile you get hit by one and you didn’t really see it coming. That is kind of how I feel now, I was in the game, and I knew a ball could get me…but I honestly didn’t see this one until it nailed me.
“One day at a time…moving forward and not looking back, for you cannot change the past, but you can affect the future.”
Welcome to my rather messed up world at the moment…this is my first blog and lord knows I am sure the following ones will show more of my humor and light side…but this is my life at the moment and for those of you just meeting me, now maybe you will understand future posts a bit better if I happen to mention something.
*Hugs*
Kev
Crystal Meth Anonymous
Crystal Meth Information
