OCD, and being jaded with the whole sexuality issue

[NongreasySweatproof]

So for those of you who are or have struggled with sexual identity issues, do you often find yourself obsessing about the whole matter, even if you've sort of already worked everything out and come to terms with things? These past two weeks, I've been doing a lot of menial busywork, leaving me plenty of mental space to mull over things like sexuality, attraction, relationships, etc. in my subconsciousness, even if I'm not thinking about these things in the foreground. Sexuality is not something that's even relevant to me right now, as far as anything I need to take care of or do. I am temporarily "asexual," intentionally, for the next few months (for complicated employment-related issues that I can't discuss right now. Also, I am moving to Germany soon). I see some girls and guys that I'm attracted to every now and then, but it's really not an issue. Nor do I have any unresolved problems: I know what my sexuality is at the moment, I've accepted it, and there's nothing I need to figure out.

I just want to focus on my work, maybe catch a ballgame, think about my hobbies, i.e., ANYTHING but think about sexual identity. But there's this background chatter in the back of my head about all these questions, that just won't go away. I've also been compulsively checking the postings here (no, not looking for eyecandy) just because (I don't even know why). My interest in this board has sort of taken a life of it's own, that is for the most part unrelated to my own, personal life. The only respite is when I'm asleep, when I dream about other things.

I know most of you probably don't want to hear this. Sexuality is an important part, but only a part, of our lives.

 

[Riverrick]

Well there is something unresolved about your sexuality. And it doesn't seem to want to leave you alone. Do you have any idea what it could be?

 

[jockboy01]

Haha. I totally know what you mean. I really need to get off of this thing yet it keeps sucking me in. I don't have the answer but my suspicions have been the same as riverrick's conclusion. In my case, I don't know what it is.

 

[Kulindahr]

Sex is a pretty powerful thing, and hard to keep out of our attention/awareness.
If you're young, that's even more true, because the whole hormone thing comes together to drive you toward reproducing.

I go through periods when I don't care about sex -- no thoughts, no urges. Most of my life has been that way, by conscious intent. Now that I finally faced being sexual, and my orientation, I have periods when I can't stop thinking about sex, when everything seems sexual!

Trying to do what I did for so long can mess you up. I say don't try to kill the thoughts, just sort of file them for future reference.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Yeah, I go through cycles like that, too. I've been really down in the dumps for the past few months, and that's kind of sapped my mojo and my desire to go out and sow my wild oats. And for this same reason, the whole sexuality thing has become for me one whole abstraction, rather than something that I experience "in the flesh." All this is in addition to the Germany-related stress. I'm still young, but not THAT young, and I expect I'll have a psychological turnaround sometime soon. I just need a hug and a good kick in the pants.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Take a very deep breath and look at the positives, too.

Yeah, work, job & cash, etc., all that can and sometimes does put a damper on your life in general. Sex-life, too.

'the psycho-turnaround' is at its best, if you manage to gain some sense of control over it.

So, go into planning. Do not let your worlds collide. Do what needs to be done, but when the time for it comes, (like Friday nite...) pack up and go and sow your wild oats.

Everything in its time...

SC

 

[Riverrick]

It sounds like the sexual part of you is struggling to break free and get out, even if its not the proper time. There's all sorts of desires that can intertwine here and feed one another. For instance, the desire to have a bf which is a multifaceted desire (sex, companionship, self-image, security, etc,).

Or just sex alone. I know for me that its also about touching and being touched by another human (one that I'm attracted to), its about satisfying my olfactory desires (smell - love getting close to a guy and picking up his scent), its about proving myself as a sexual being (like being found attractive and sexy by another man and having him appreciate my moves). All of this in addition to getting off. These are the things I don't get when I just get off at home. And what about getting off? I think its something that many of us want someone else there for.

So, my point here (I think) is that suppressing your need to have sex temporarily means suppressing a bunch of other needs also. They could be tugging at you collectively or individually.

Anyhow, just a thought.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

So last week I told a gay friend of mine (not a close friend, but one I've known since high school) that I consider myself bisexual. This is the first time I've told anyone. He took it in stride, and we had a good conversation about it, but I couldn't really identify with most of the things he told me about himself and his own coming out experience. I also don't feel a sense of relief or anything, mostly because I feel really weird about attaching a label to myself. It just doesn't feel right to call myself "straight," or "bi," or anything like that.

I hadn't even been planning to tell him, but I just kind of blurted it out when he asked me whether I was seeing anyone new--because it had been on my mind so much. I'm thinking of telling another friend from high school, as well as my next, potential, girl(boy?)friend, and then I think that will be enough for now. Wow, I can't even imagine having a boyfriend, but right now I'm telling myself to remain open to the possibility. The idea doesn't appeal to me right now, but I hate to ever categorically say no to the possibility of something ever happening. There might be like one special guy in the world that I could potentially be in a relationship with, and if I met him. . .

So I guess I'm out? Sort of? Maybe just a little. Well, I'm out to myself, and that's what matters to me. I'm still not comfortable with the labelling, but I'll just call myself bisexual for lack of a better term to describe my feelings.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

This is not entirely related, but it's my own thread so I hope it's okay to change the topic somewhat. I also don't want to be a thread-starting whore. I'm just thinking out loud here. . . So obviously, I'm confused about my sexuality. Thank God I'm single right now, but I'm resolving to tell my next relationship (my gut tells me it's going to be a girl) that I've struggled with and (if I still am, then) am still struggling with my sexuality, and feelings of being attracted to men as well as women. Not that I'm going to act on those feelings if I'm in a monogamous, faithful relationship--just as I wouldn't cheat on her with a girl. It would just be better if there is a common understanding between me and her about the basic facts behind what makes each of us tick. I don't want it to be some big secret that I have to keep under wraps through 20 years of marriage or anything like that. Better to get it out at the very beginning. Maybe not the first date, or even the first month, but certainly right around the time when we start getting serious and thinking about becoming a committed couple, I think that I am going to bring it up. It might make things weird, or it might even cause her to want to break up with me, but yeah. . . so it goes.

 

[Soilwork]

I went thorugh taht exact same stage after I came out..

that whole "Man, I made such a big hairy deal out of this and it isn't a big deal at all and I see so many other people making such a big hairy deal about it and AARRTGH@#$&!@"

this too will pass.




Oh, and although I'm not bi myself (big surprise to those who know and resent me), from what I understand, coming out as gay is a big relief, but coming out as bi is a horrible experience because at the end, there is still no settled ending.

if you're gay.. well, you can just say "I like men and I'll end up with a man if I ever end up in a long term relationship".

If you're bi, there's a million issues that gay men don't have to worry about.

So.. well.. there you go.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Yeesh, uh, I know what you're talking about. It's like as soon as I come out to my friend, this whole week I can't get my mind off of chicks and have lost all interest in guys. I was going to tell a second friend, but all of a sudden, I feel like there's no point. I don't even feel bisexual right now. I just have to keep on telling myself: I'm bi / I like guys, too / I'm bi / I like guys, too / I'm bi. I feel like if I don't come to terms with it right now and go back to thinking about girls right away, before my acceptance of my bisexuality has "cemented" itself, it's some kind of subconscious attempt to deny the fact that I like guys, at least some of the time, and then I'll go back to feeling ashamed or bad about having those feelings. I don't want to go back to feeling ashamed or bad about it, but I think the tendency is ingrained deep in my subconscious, even if I reject it on a conscious level.

Maybe my homoerotic feelings are strongest when I try to suppress them. But now that I've openly acknowledged that I have homoerotic feelings and am relatively comfortable with them, they kind of do their own thing, and there's not a thing I can do to control them. By the way (a small digression): I really like the word "homoerotic." It's a very erotic, mouthfilling, manly, sexy-sounding word. Maybe this is too much information, but I just got a woodie repeating that word in my head.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Well, I think the reason why I like homoeroticism is that it conveys the idea of a subconscious, not-openly-acknowledged feeling in your gut. I can look at a photo or a painting -- not necessarily of people, even, and suddenly feel really manly and homoerotic. Or if I'm sharing a space with another guy I find attractive, and there's a bit of sexual tension in the air (at least for me--not necessarily a mutual feeling of sexual tension), or looking a stranger through his open curtains in his bedroom at night, I can suddenly feel really homoerotic. But the thought of actually rubbing against another man's hairy leg or touching his penis, or (on a less physical level) sharing intimate parts of my life with another man, makes me want to run the other way. I mean, so much so that even fantasizing about it is a turnoff.

 

[Kulindahr]

I'm not sure the repeating to yourself that you're bi has much of a point. You are what you are, and if the attraction fades for a while, let it fade. There are people for whom their attraction to one sex or the other comes and goes; I met a guy who only gets the hots for chicks right after hot sex with a guy -- and he knows a couple of chicks willing to have him on that basis (sigh -- some people are just lucky). Then there's a guy who's seasonal; chicks look hot in the summer, but in the winter only guys do (oh -- that's me!).

Just go with the flow -- it's even possible that looking is the only thing that will ever turn you on, and that's okay, too. I mean, I know a guy who says horses with hard-ons turn him on -- but he'd never touch one! Like he told me, "Yep -- I see a stallion with a good one, I just want to go home and ride my wife."