Official: I have a crush on a younger colleague... :(

[Ozymandias]

Hi everyone,

does anyone else have experience with this? I.e. hitting on someone outside the scene, which I've never done before...

I have this colleague who's ten years younger, really cute etc with brains, and very sexy... I've liked him from day one, but I only ever see him at work. Now I found out our shifts won't cross for quite a few days, and I'm miserable about that. So it's official, I've got a bad crush.

First order of the day is to find out if he's even gay or not - he's neither macho nor effeminate, and young Europeans today all dress "gay" (I don't mean this too seriously... ), so I can't tell just from that. In addition to the medium-to-heavy hints I've been dropping that I am gay (rather than blurting it out in a complete non-sequitur, which would just be weird), I guess I'm going to take opportunities to steer conversations towards partnership and girlfriends. I don't really see any other route, unless the topic of my sexuality happens to arise and I can say it directly and wait for his reaction. I just feel like such a calculating bitch with that plan, but as a friend said, if I don't actively try to seduce him, nothing's ever going to happen.
After I've dealt with that, I just need to overcome all the other odds - age gap, am I his type, etc. And obviously, if he's not gay or not into me but gets the feeling I'm strongly hitting on him, things might become awkward in our rather tightly-knit office....

All-but-hopeless crushes... the most pleasurable self-torture there is... Help! Commiserate!

 

[altlover85]

I've had work crushes too. In the end, they never went anywhere. But a crush in and of itself isn't such a bad thing. Good luck with things.

 

[Illmatic]

Currently having the same problem but with my much older boss and just like you said it very frustrating to feel miserable when youre not having the same shifts : p
To bad I dont know what to do mate, im sorry! Goodluck tho

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ozymandias,

So you work in a 'rather tightly-knit office', which indicates that you work rather close together with him and that you will often meet him (and be able to say 'hi' to him etc) when both of you are working on the same moment.

I was wondering if you are lving as an open gay, as I cannot figure out this from your profile and from this message. If this is the case, wouldn't it be very likely that he is already aware that you are gay?

How about sending a friend request through Facebook (assumed that its clear on your Facebook that you are not interested in girls and so on)?

And how often do you talk with him, and about what kind of subjects? I would not bother too much about the age gap, and I would suggest you just to be very friendly to him.

Take care & good luck.

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

Just watch out for sexual harassment lol. I say just talk to him find out his interest and what he does outside of work.

 

[rareboy]

^ I agree.

It all sounds one sided.

Move on and find someone who is interested in you as much as you are in them.

 

[Ozymandias]

How optimistic, rareboy ;-)
Well, the other day the office went out for drinks and I caught him looking at me several times. Plus, I've found his facebook profile, he likes Glee. Unless I'm seriously misreading things, he's gay or bi, and though I dare not hope, it seems there's some kind of interest in me going on.

How out am I? Well, my boss knows. I also mentioned to a female colleague how a certain actor looked really cute in a certain film, and when my other boss jokingly mentioned how I should hit on this woman, I replied: "Not my field of interest." I would count those things as pretty clear hints ;-) Just waiting for an opportunity to answer a question with "No, because I'm gay" or something to make sure HE knows.
I think I might ask him at the next opportunity, so achingly long hence, if he wants to grab a bite to eat after work... see where it goes from there...

 

[Ozymandias]

P.S. What happened to my original post? There's a pink background that I didn't put there, and the font changed. Does anyone else see this or is my computer messed up?

Edit later: has gone back to normal. Looks like my laptop freaked out a little.

 

[Rolyo85]

You know, the sad reality of it is that when people are interested in us, we don't need to obsess over the little details to figure it out. It is clear and obvious. I mean, of course he'd be watching you. I'm guessing your interest in him is probably much more obvious than you think it is, and it might be making him uncomfortable.

And when you don't even know if he's gay, it's even more far-fetched.

 

[JC2008]

Yeah be carefull with that one. Also are you on the same level as this colleague or a superior? You know what they say, never mix business with pleasure!

 

[Ganoderma]

How out am I? Well, my boss knows. I also mentioned to a female colleague how a certain actor looked really cute in a certain film, and when my other boss jokingly mentioned how I should hit on this woman, I replied: "Not my field of interest." I would count those things as pretty clear hints.

hi Ozymandias,

You are out at work, as you don't care who knows that you are gay. No hiding or lying, so there is no 'big secret'. And you are right. This does not mean you need to tell clear and load that you are gay.

Hey man, you are a single guy, not a weirdo/wacko (?), no one is aware of a history with girls, you don't flirt with girls at the office, and your boss talks with you about a sexy girl, and you reply with "Not my field of interest."

Definately a very polite reply, and at the same moment a clear signal that you are into guys. And such news goes around, especially at a small office. I hope all goes well with the nice guy.

Do you happen to live in Germany (or in any of the European countries)?

Best wishes & take care.

 

[FilipoDiBaviera]

Dear Ozymandias,

First of all, I'd like to share a similar experience with you, in order to tell you what you shouldn't do. I fell in love with a teaching assistant at university during my undergraduate studies. I liked him very much, and I knew he was gay, so I went to the library each day just to see him (because he was there all the time). The problem was, I didn't have any gay friends at that time, and I didn't have any gay experience at all. I didn't know how to approach him. And of course, I did the most stupid mistake one can ever ever do. I wrote him a romantic e-mail on MySpace, telling him how much I love him. I didn't get a response and I figured out that he was avoiding me each time he saw me. Afterwards, I learned that he had a fiance and they got gay married a couple of months ago in Reykjavik.

Few years down the line, I started thinking: what would I do if I received such an e-mail, out of the blue? Then, I figured out that I would do the same he did. ADVICE: DON'T HURRY!

If I were you, I'd try to be more friendly with him. Find an excuse to start a conversation with him the next time you see him. Something about work, profession, professional pbm, advice... but sth appealing that would open a long and prolific discussion. The next time you see him, you'll be a step close to him. After a 2 or 3 conversations, I think you'll get closer, so use the chance and invite him for a beer or so and go out. Be very patient. Start some other type of conversation, but very slowly and diplomatically. Start speaking generally about relationships, err friends, people... and give him a chance to tell you what he's into. He'll be honest with you after 2-3 beers and if he's gay, I'm sure he'll tell you.

I don't know why, but sth tells me he's gay. You know, we, gay people, have sort of gay scanner in our heads and we detect each other easily. Personally speaking, I've never had a crush on a straight guy, never ever...

If it turns out he to be gay, order another round of beer, start some pleasant conversation about being gay, make a joke, start laughing (thus, you're giving him a chance to relax) and even then you can learn whether he's top or btm, single or taken, etc.

To sum up, play very smart, and be very clever. You have great opportunities in live, just be careful not to fuck them up. Some people are shy and taciturn and need much more time to confess. Some other are not. If it's the case, you'll see, he'll speed up the things. Be very patient. If you don't try you can never get an answer. Even negative answer is better than not asking and not getting an answer at all. You won't lose anything if you ask. But do it very astutely in order to get a positive answer if it turns out that he's gay. At the end, I'd like to cite a quote from the New Testament (I'm not very religious though, I'm just trying to prove my point): "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." Mattew 7:7.

Good luck with the guy, keep asking, be curious, broaden your horizons, and the life will be very nice to you. Many opportunities will be there just for you! I'm very optimistic about you and the guy, I'm sure you'll succeed!

Cheerios,

Filipo Di Baviera

 

[Ozymandias]

Patience is the word, your grace ;-)

@Ganoderma:

I'm in Germany.