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Oh boy!! I think I'm in deep trouble. I think my marriage is over.

sixthson said:
From what you have posted here and in other threads, it sounds like you are overwhelmed by life in general. You have a sick wife, a dying mother and a career change happening. Now would not be the best time to make these kinds of personal decisions. You need to step back and not do anything you will regret later. Time is on your side.
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I agree with sixthson. You're in a really tough position as a caretaker. I know how difficult and overwhelming that can be. Do you have help (in-home care or other family)? If it's at all possible, I'd strongly suggest taking some time for yourself (away from your family and your man), even if it's just for a few hours a week.

You come across as a very caring person. I don't know you at all or the specifics of your situation, but I have a feeling that you might later regret any huge decisions made at this point in time. Good luck.
 
I heard some things in this thread that I needed to hear about my situation and my wife, so thank you guys. I wish you luck mickey with the issues you are dealing with.
 
Wow. You guys are ALL fantastic!! Reading all your responses does help me put things in perspective. She really is an amazing woman, my wife and I love her dearly still. We are coming to terms that neither of us are the same people we once were, and that it's impossible to hold each other accountable for promises we made each other as teen agers. But we are still together and hopefully will remain so. Our feelings may have changed, but they are not diminished, just different. I also know that my head is clouded with the grief of recent experiences and my instinct is to run, and I do, but it's only for a break, then I return home to my family. It's called respite, and I need it to help recharge. Everyone around me is so needy right now and I have to be able to be strong. And my guy helps me do this. Me running to his home every other weekend or so is wonderful, but him coming to our home is outstanding. See, he comes to us every other week end too, just to help out with family duties, though he has absolutely no obligation to do so. When I have to take all my girls out shopping, he comes to help. He also helps with my kids' homework and projects, and just general stuff around the house. I can't begin to tell you what his help means to me. Most family and friends split after the diagnosisses and I don't have a lot of help. But he has endeared himself to us all. He is my saviour.

So bear with me. I'm doing the best I can, as a son, a husband, a companion, a caregiver, a father, a lover and, now as a gay man. One thing is for sure, it's life's elusions that I am suffering now, which, in the future, will be looked back upon with a full heart. And know that I'm doing my absolute best. God please help me!


Peace to all.
 
Good.

Now you don't have to make everything perfect. You just have to make it better than it would have been, which is a much more reasonable standard to live up to.
 
So it sounds like you already have the ideal situation. You have a loving and understanding wife with a good family. Your male affair is family approved and you find your bisexual satisfaction through him. If anything, you're an extended family already. Why diminish the marriage you have with your wife when you already have your cake and are eating it too?
 
Because, believe it or not, it is rather difficult having a foot in each world.
 
When you refered to your rather unusual relationship in various postings I was very surprised and rather envious being Bi myself! It rather seems you have now entered the real world, best of luck in resolving your current problems.
 
At the ripe of age of 30 (soon to be 31) I can tell you that my 35 y.o. friend envies you. I let him read this thread, and he agreed with almost everything saying that that is what I am for him (minus the sex now). He's a computer programmer, so need to worry over his wife chancing upon anything digital of us. I quit the sex when he wouldn't even commit to a MAYBE! I fully understand, but I also want a family of my own to start an OUR/US with ... know what I mean?

Within any relationship story there are two sides and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. You are in the enviable position of having both sides agreeing/compromising (you have got to be the world's greatest guy!). In my situation, it was almost like a divorce agreement where I got "him" on a weekday or two and bi-monthly weekends. The kids absolutely love me, and call me, "Uncle!" Now she's insinuating hints or two over coming after my money as well. HA HA Ha! I so laugh at that, as we haven't done anything sexual together for over a year (per their repairing their marriage). I don't know what to think, but I am being selfish about that ... I am protecting me; I don't mind helping him or his kids, but if she's going to go all ... ick

leave it at that
 
Every day I try to think of reasons to save my marriage, and every day the reasons are becoming fewer and fewer. We started having trouble before my attraction to men, and before the illnesses. Things were not great then, but the male attraction thing came, followed closely by her diagnosis. I was there through the chemo and everything but that was 4 years ago now. She claims she is better now and just wants to put everything in the past. So now the previous problems are coming back. There are way to many issues to list here, and I now realize the most are unfixable, money and fair contribution being the big one. Me having a boyfriend, surprisingly, is not an issue (which it should be, eh? Isn't that curious?).

So I think that when my mother passes, I will end my marriage. Neither of us are truly happy, I can see it. She has no desire to be happy, or to try to be happy (her whole family is miserable), and me, on the other hand, wants to be happy. As we grow older we are just growing apart. Being dragged down is taking a toll on my emotional well being too and I now feel I have to put a stop to it before I hit rock bottom.
 
The only thing that you may want to give some thought to is whether you're making a unilateral decision for your own convenience.

It may be that your wife wants to find a partner of her own or it may be that she's ready to move on with her own life, too.

This is a situation where counseling may help. Marriage counseling is not only for saving a marriage; it can also be helpful in ending a marriage amicably. If the crisis period has passed with your wife's health and you feel that your children would be able to cope with the divorce, then you may want to talk with your wife about getting into counseling so that both can make the decision that is best for you both.
 
I really don't want to end it. I still do think it can be saved. I know that most likely the problem is partly me too. I have changed some in the past few years, and I'm just trying to see where I fit in now. Thanks everyone for all the help!
 
Mikey, I have always read your posts with interest and wondered if I would like to meet you some time. You seem to be a good person.

Thinking about a problem, I often go back and forth trying to decide, but talking about a problem often helps to crystalize it for me. I think that in time you will be able to come to the right solution. I'll pray for you, your family, and mother, but God doesn't usually seem to answer my prayers. Good luck.
 
Rickrock said:
Mikey, I have always read your posts with interest and wondered if I would like to meet you some time. You seem to be a good person.

Thinking about a problem, I often go back and forth trying to decide, but talking about a problem often helps to crystalize it for me. I think that in time you will be able to come to the right solution. I'll pray for you, your family, and mother, but God doesn't usually seem to answer my prayers. Good luck.
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Or mine either:(. Believe me, I've prayed very hard lately, but I think he forgot about me.
 
I have said before,you are a good man. Please try to stop beating on yourself as much,yes we all change as we get older. Many of the things we held sacrosant in our 20s now seem "meh" when we get older.
I have to agree making such a huge life-style choice at this moment may be done for all the wrong reasons.Wishing you the best....(*8*)
 
The cancer situation makes it impossible. I was married for about 4 years I have two sons who know and are great with it. Coming from a strict Catholic Family in my teen's I wanted to kill myself when I had sex with guys. I swore I would nto cheat while married and my wife new this I met and fell in love with a guy from work. I immediately came out to my wife and left. We are still friends an as I said the kids love us both. I felt if I stayed and live the lie and she found out lets say when she hits her 50's her life was a joke this made it possible to find someone new.
 
Yes, that's why I came out to her as soon as I realized my feelings for guys was real. This was four years ago. I had to be honest with her. I think we were getting ready to split then but just a couple months after coming out to her she was diagnosed. I can't leave now. Well, I can, but I might as well put a bullet in my brain. What kind of man leaves his cancer ridden wife? My life would be over anyway.

OH man! If I could turn back time, eh?
 
mikey3000 said:
Yes, that's why I came out to her as soon as I realized my feelings for guys was real. This was four years ago. I had to be honest with her. I think we were getting ready to split then but just a couple months after coming out to her she was diagnosed. I can't leave now. Well, I can, but I might as well put a bullet in my brain. What kind of man leaves his cancer ridden wife? My life would be over anyway.

OH man! If I could turn back time, eh?
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My friend, we are where we are at, we must deal with reality... playing should have, would have, could have only torments us.
At 21 I was convinced that I was str8 and got married, in my 30's I told my self that I was bi, heck, all guys are a little bi, aren't they?
Bi was a convenient spot, finally in my 50's I admitted to myself that I was gay.
By then my wife had had a stroke and even before this our marriage was sexless, now at 61 I am glad that I have stuck it out, I could be quite lonely, my wife and I are friends and she has no need to know that I am gay.
Could I have acted differently? Sure, but I didn't.
We can't beat ourselves up for doing what seemed right at the time.
Please be cautious about having feelings of being trapped as it can foster a bitter attitude toward those who you care for.
Not long ago I toyed with the idea of coming out and having sex again, part of this is due to my age, it would be great to have another
fling before I am not able or no longer around, Seasoned gave me some good advise that brought me back to reality.
Life is not always easy to deal with, it sounds like your wife is reasonable about your sexuality, I really think that you should make the best of where you are at and quit thinking about moving on, you are just tormenting yourself, I wish you the best.
 
^ Thank you for that. Very eye opening. Luckily my wife is understanding and allows me this freedom. We are great friends and that we'll stay. I keep going back and forth emotionally. Am I being fair to her? But slowly my way is becoming more clear. I love her dearly, I really do, but our marriage has changed and I'm still trying to get used to things. I do have massive guilt over what I do, but I realize this is my issue. She has no issues with me being with men. Actually it turns her on. But I still have to get used to the idea. Sometimes I take a step back and go, "Wow. This is my life?" Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get used to the idea.
 
Sounds like you're just trying to run away to the greener grass.
 
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