Oh crap, I think I'm gay...

[PabloZed]

That is how we know Telstra is gay - a gay man thinks everything is an opportunity to see a guy's dick (which is why I know I am gay).

I have to confess I am not as willing as others to say you should dump your gf and announce you are gay. Obviously the first thing you need to figure out is whether you are in fact gay. And you are the only person who can do that and I suspect you know right now even if you don't want to admit it. Your attraction to pornography isn't convincing evidence because believe it or not, there are men who watch gay porn but are not interested in having actual sex with men. It may reveal a sexual addiction or desire that you may be able to control.

But that is not the end of the inquiry because "gay" is not what you will always be. It can be difficult to be a homosexual in even the liberalist cities. Things are getting better but that doesn't mean they are good. So its not just deciding you like boys; its deciding that you are willing to accept all the bumps and bruises.

My bottom line is, if you could actually stay with your gf and be faithful and use porn to satisfy your couriosity, go for it. But the worst decision would be to lead her on. As a friend she deserves better.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm glad I ended up having the courage to post here. It feels so good to be able to talk about this. It's something that I kept to myself for so long.

We're glad you posted here, too.

It's why we're all here.

Except for Telstra, that is.

 

[slnattak]

Just because you realize you're into guys doesn't mean your whole life has to change, you're still you- being attracted to the same sex shouldn't define everything about you.

Try to separate your sexuality from your relationship. Pretend you are asexual. Would you still want to be with this girl? If she was a man, and the exact same personality- would you still be with her?

A supportive relationship is a lot different than what makes your dick hard, but I understand it's nice when everything is congruent.

Don't break up with her yet. But you NEED to come out to her. Just come out and see how she reacts. First things first.

I think if you say 'Oh btw I'm gay, I gotta break up with you' it just seems kinda...I don't know. But don't do it that way. Work things out together. It sounds like, you yourself are still confused on what you should do. But you don't have to actually DO anything. Just TELL her if these feelings have truly been eating up at you.

 

[TX-Beau]

Just because you realize you're into guys doesn't mean your whole life has to change, you're still you- being attracted to the same sex shouldn't define everything about you.

This idea is promoted on these boards over and over and over, and it’s bogus. Your sexuality is a huge part of you, it defines how you’re going to relate to people all your life, for straight people, reinforcement of their sexuality is everywhere you look, they never ever say “it doesn’t define you,” because it does, from the expectations your parents have for you, to the way you socialize with your peers, to the types of obstacles you’re going to face. It’s only when you’re gay that people tell you “it doesn’t define you,” like you can ignore it, or it’s a pimple on your back, that’s unfortunate but can be ignored.

Your sexuality is intrinsic to you, and is part and parcel of who you are as a person. It affects your personality, your outlook, the people you associate with, and most definitely the people you date. If you’re straight, no one ever questions this. No one. So why do gay boys promote the idea that “it doesn’t define you.” We all know why.

Bottom line, you already know whether this is going to work. Your answer is in everything you wrote.

 

[andy12]

Wow, so many reactions. I appreciate it very much.
I guess I'm going to have to figure out what to do. But no matter what, something has to happen because right now, this is eating me up inside.

I'm glad I ended up having the courage to post here. It feels so good to be able to talk about this. It's something that I kept to myself for so long.

As others have asked, are you attracted to girls? Do you enjoy having sex with your girlfriend?

 

[bennyminh]

hello Dean, i know you love her,but can u live with that big secret all your life?oneday when you are old ,u will not regret for that?? lie to yourself and her all your life???is that the best thing you can do?i agree with Beau.....

 

[josher]

I think you need to do two (perhaps three) things.

1) You need to find a therapist/counselor with whom you can explore your sexual identity. You may be gay or you may be bisexual, but you need to work with a professional who can help you come to some conclusion about your sexual identity.

It's very impotant that the therapist/counselor be "Gay-friendly", that is, s/he doesn't consider being gay an illness or a defect. Particularly you need to avoid counselors who come with a religious bias against homosexuality.

You can contact your local mental health agency for referrals.

2) You need to explain to your girlfriend that you are questioning your sexual identity.

You can reassure her that you love her, but you have to be honest about frequently (primarily?) having sexual fantasies involving men. She deserves that honesty, if you really do love her.

3) You could invite her to take part in couple's counseling with your therapist (separately from your own therapy.)

This could help you both come to a judgement about where your relationship is going.

If you come to realize you are gay, it would be unfair to both of you to see your future relationship in any other terms than a close friendship, if both of you can settle for that.

If you're bisexual, she needs to see if she can come to terms with and be comfortable with that, if your current relationship is to continue and perhaps progress to marriage.

If you're bisexual, you need to be absolutely sure, that if you commit yourself to your girlfriend, you aren't going to be acting out your gay fantasies behind her back.

Unless you invest in therapy/counseling individually (and hopefully as a couple,) I think you're setting yourself up for a great deal of confusion, pain and guilt down the road.

Good luck!

 

[kasumato]

I wouldn't recommend you dump your girlfriend just because you are attracted to guys, if you love her and she loves you. Who cares if you're attracted to guys too? I mean, all straight guys are attracted to girls other than their girlfriends/wives, but that doesn't mean they should break up just for fear of them cheating in the future. You're going to find people attractive outside your relationship, whether you're gay, straight, or bi. Just because its of a different gender doesn't mean its any different than any other relationship.

This idea is promoted on these boards over and over and over, and it’s bogus. Your sexuality is a huge part of you, it defines how you’re going to relate to people all your life, for straight people, reinforcement of their sexuality is everywhere you look, they never ever say “it doesn’t define you,” because it does, from the expectations your parents have for you, to the way you socialize with your peers, to the types of obstacles you’re going to face. It’s only when you’re gay that people tell you “it doesn’t define you,” like you can ignore it, or it’s a pimple on your back, that’s unfortunate but can be ignored.

Your sexuality is intrinsic to you, and is part and parcel of who you are as a person. It affects your personality, your outlook, the people you associate with, and most definitely the people you date. If you’re straight, no one ever questions this. No one. So why do gay boys promote the idea that “it doesn’t define you.” We all know why.

Bottom line, you already know whether this is going to work. Your answer is in everything you wrote.

I disagree completely. My sexuality doesn't define me at all. Although I realize that sexuality is a naturally born trait, you cannot choose your own sexuality. However, in no way does my sexuality affect my personality, my outlook, or anything. It's simply a sexual issue. What turns on, what gets me hard, what I jack off to when I'm alone, has nothing to do with anything else. I keep my sexuality separated from everything else, as it's irrelevant, a completely personal matter.

Now, there is no 100% straight and 100% gay, sexuality is a very complex characteristic that traces back to hormonal and chemical reactions in the brain.


Simply because the OP is *physically* attracted to guys, doesn't mean he can't maintain a perfectly normal romantic relationship with a girl, just as a straight guy can be attracted to other girls, and still maintain a relationship with a single girl.

Just because you realize you're into guys doesn't mean your whole life has to change, you're still you- being attracted to the same sex shouldn't define everything about you.

And it's true. He's 22 years old, his whole life doesn't have to suddenly change just because he achknowledges the fact that he's turned on by guys.

 

[slnattak]

This idea is promoted on these boards over and over and over, and it’s bogus.

How is it bogus? So many gay guys like to make a big deal out of their sexuality when nobody really cares. You would find the gay love you want if you just would treat it as a default thing like straight people treat theirs.

If I go to a job interview, I can't say 'Homosexual' on my job application. Yeah it can be a big deal PERSONALLY but the outside world doesn't need to know that I like men. It's not an illness or a defect, but it's a useless neutral quirk, like the color of one's eyes. It's not a skill or a special ability. It just *is.* Unless it's some serious thing if all gay men are dying of aids or something, but that doesn't seem to be the case now does it- 9 times out of 10 gay men are their own worst enemies and I can't feel sorry for you if you insist on playing the victim so goddamn much. Your energy is just whiny and drainy.

Listen, the most important thing in a relationship is to just be there for each other (sexuality truly has such a little part of it, what erotically turns you in such a small part in living a full life it's not even funny.), and over the years I've seen that the male-female partnership works better for this (It doesn't have to be this way, but gay men need to change a lot more before it's any different), primarily because gay men cannot stop being both idealistic and cynical (instead of realistically optimistic) about their romantic interests. Even in areas where gay men are glorified, they still can't seem to follow through on a basic second date, nor can they seem to treat their men as anything other than sexual objects. Gay media heads have boyfriends, but they don't really give a shit about their "Partners" (that word makes me want to barf) either, they're just doing it for the political image and to promote their socialist agenda.

No I'm not projecting or being a self-loather, I'm just stating simple *fact* based on what I've witnessed. Then you want to whine to the world about equal rights? Sorry, they're just going to laugh at you about that. Until you can actually prove without a reasonable doubt that *You* yourselves are comfortable with being a homosexual - nobody else is going to support you. And even when you are okay with it, they have a right to be rightfully suspicious about your sexuality, because in the end we simply CANNOT make a functioning society based on what turns us on, it really IS "sinful." SEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH OF A GOOD PERSON YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU CAN OFFER THIS WORLD TO MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE! *Either* way.

If you're that horny, just jack off- DON'T bring another human SOUL into the equation just because you have low self-esteem and need that much outside validation from people over something as small as finding the same sex attractive. This guy is GOOD to worry about his sexuality, because most gay men WILL use him just for a quick fuck. He's being wise. If you REALLY like a guy, then PROVE IT. PROVE YOU LIKE HIM IN WAYS OTHER THAN JUST WANTING TO FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT AND GOSSIPING ABOUT IT TO YOUR LITTLE SLOW SUICIDE FAG FRIENDS ON THE INTERNET. But I bet you can't. I Bet, like most gay men you lack a spine, and have the emotional core of a 11 year old girl. If I'm wrong then prove it.

There are studies of healthy gay male relationships but they are few and far inbetween. Is that because of society or is it because gay men can't get over themselves? If you want to be with somebody and show love to them - THEN DO IT. Although I agree with you that it can be unfairly discouraged (at times), if you really care about somebody- you make room for them no matter what. That's all there is to it.

All these 'WAAAH POOR ME I'M GAY THREADS' are just disgusting. You'd think they were diagnosed with a terminal illness or something. Poor me boohoo. GET OVER YOURSELVES AND STOP USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LIVE YOUR LIVES! If you want gayness to be looked at as that raw, powerful bad ass kick assery thing like heterosexuality already is, you have to act that way yourself.

 

[slnattak]

1) You need to find a therapist/counselor with whom you can explore your sexual identity. You may be gay or you may be bisexual, but you need to work with a professional who can help you come to some conclusion about your sexual identity.

No he doesn't. I'm sorry but psychology is most likely bogus for what most normal people go through. He needs to simply get over himself, get a job (Or a better paying one) and start hanging out with people that see him for his good qualities (as well as don't make a big deal -either way- over his gay fantasies.) He needs to hang around cool, realistic and pragmatic people that won't act all emo or weird just because he digs the same sex. And likewise, he can't act that way himself. He also has to understand that not everybody is going to like him and we *ALL* dislike people for stupid, shitty reasons. Now yes, most of us are more morally advanced in some areas, that we won't disprove of somebody just for being gay. But some people might, and so what? It's their loss. Get better friends and stop whining about it.

He just has gay fantasies. He never actually had sex with a man. In all reality, he could find it gross and disgusting. Now, provided the guy takes care of himself and we find each other attractive - I *don't* feel this way. I like *real* gay sex, not just fantasy gay porn sex. But what he's explaining just now are mere fantasies. They could be related to something else for all we know. Until he lives a little, acts out on some of his desires- he has no idea who or what he is. You learn by doing.

He mentioned that he's horny. He could be using the gayness as an excuse to be a whore because it is a common fact that it's obviously a lot easier for two men to be sexual with each other than it is for a man and a woman. That's just being realistic. So he could find him hooking up with a guy is easier than having to ask his girlfriend to do some things for him that he likes. And yeah that *is* a problem. He needs to work things out with himself and his girlfriend it sounds like it.

If he really cares about this girl deep down, then they should be together. If, by happenchance, he really cares about a man, more than the girl- they should be together. BUT WHAT MAKES HIS COCK HARD LATE AT NIGHT SHOULD HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH IT. Starting a healthy relationship based on sex alone is a bad, bad, bad, bad idea for anyone.

 

[TX-Beau]

I wouldn't recommend you dump your girlfriend just because you are attracted to guys, if you love her and she loves you. Who cares if you're attracted to guys too? I mean, all straight guys are attracted to girls other than their girlfriends/wives, but that doesn't mean they should break up just for fear of them cheating in the future. You're going to find people attractive outside your relationship, whether you're gay, straight, or bi. Just because its of a different gender doesn't mean its any different than any other relationship.

Are you kidding here, if he’s gay there’s no way he should be dating some poor girl, because sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship. A straight guy who’s sexually attracted to a woman who’s not his wife is still sexually attracted to wife. Claiming that’s not important is ridiculous.

I disagree completely. My sexuality doesn't define me at all. Although I realize that sexuality is a naturally born trait, you cannot choose your own sexuality. However, in no way does my sexuality affect my personality, my outlook, or anything. It's simply a sexual issue. What turns on, what gets me hard, what I jack off to when I'm alone, has nothing to do with anything else. I keep my sexuality separated from everything else, as it's irrelevant, a completely personal matter.

Now, there is no 100% straight and 100% gay, sexuality is a very complex characteristic that traces back to hormonal and chemical reactions in the brain.

There are guys and girls who are 100 percent one way or another. As for the rest, bullshit. Your sexuality affects just about everything in your life and if you’re claiming that you turn it off and become asexual the moment you leave your door, than I have to say you’re the only person on the planet capable of that. Who you date, who you don’t, or how you hide, has direct bearing on you, how people perceive you, the expectations people have for you, and the way society is gonna treat you. End of story.

 

[TX-Beau]

How is it bogus? So many gay guys like to make a big deal out of their sexuality when nobody really cares. You would find the gay love you want if you just would treat it as a default thing like straight people treat theirs.

If I go to a job interview, I can't say 'Homosexual' on my job application. Yeah it can be a big deal PERSONALLY but the outside world doesn't need to know that I like men. It's not an illness or a defect, but it's a useless neutral quirk, like the color of one's eyes. It's not a skill or a special ability. It just *is.* Unless it's some serious thing if all gay men are dying of aids or something, but that doesn't seem to be the case now does it- 9 times out of 10 gay men are their own worst enemies and I can't feel sorry for you if you insist on playing the victim so goddamn much. Your energy is just whiny and drainy.

Listen, the most important thing in a relationship is to just be there for each other (sexuality truly has such a little part of it, what erotically turns you in such a small part in living a full life it's not even funny.), and over the years I've seen that the male-female partnership works better for this (It doesn't have to be this way, but gay men need to change a lot more before it's any different), primarily because gay men cannot stop being both idealistic and cynical (instead of realistically optimistic) about their romantic interests. Even in areas where gay men are glorified, they still can't seem to follow through on a basic second date, nor can they seem to treat their men as anything other than sexual objects. Gay media heads have boyfriends, but they don't really give a shit about their "Partners" (that word makes me want to barf) either, they're just doing it for the political image and to promote their socialist agenda.

No I'm not projecting or being a self-loather, I'm just stating simple *fact* based on what I've witnessed. Then you want to whine to the world about equal rights? Sorry, they're just going to laugh at you about that. Until you can actually prove without a reasonable doubt that *You* yourselves are comfortable with being a homosexual - nobody else is going to support you. And even when you are okay with it, they have a right to be rightfully suspicious about your sexuality, because in the end we simply CANNOT make a functioning society based on what turns us on, it really IS "sinful." SEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH OF A GOOD PERSON YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU CAN OFFER THIS WORLD TO MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE! *Either* way.

If you're that horny, just jack off- DON'T bring another human SOUL into the equation just because you have low self-esteem and need that much outside validation from people over something as small as finding the same sex attractive. This guy is GOOD to worry about his sexuality, because most gay men WILL use him just for a quick fuck. He's being wise. If you REALLY like a guy, then PROVE IT. PROVE YOU LIKE HIM IN WAYS OTHER THAN JUST WANTING TO FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT AND GOSSIPING ABOUT IT TO YOUR LITTLE SLOW SUICIDE FAG FRIENDS ON THE INTERNET. But I bet you can't. I Bet, like most gay men you lack a spine, and have the emotional core of a 11 year old girl. If I'm wrong then prove it.

There are studies of healthy gay male relationships but they are few and far inbetween. Is that because of society or is it because gay men can't get over themselves? If you want to be with somebody and show love to them - THEN DO IT. Although I agree with you that it can be unfairly discouraged (at times), if you really care about somebody- you make room for them no matter what. That's all there is to it.

All these 'WAAAH POOR ME I'M GAY THREADS' are just disgusting. You'd think they were diagnosed with a terminal illness or something. Poor me boohoo. GET OVER YOURSELVES AND STOP USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LIVE YOUR LIVES! If you want gayness to be looked at as that raw, powerful bad ass kick assery thing like heterosexuality already is, you have to act that way yourself.

LOL, touch a nerve there did I. See above.

 

[slnattak]

But he got a girl involved! *le sigh*

I'm gay. I grew up in a small town that discouraged homosexuality, like MANY gay men. But I never got a girl to hide myself or anything.

Now are they doing it just to fit in and because they're scared of being gay or are they honestly confused and they want to see who they're really attracted to?

Sometimes you don't really know about something until you try, right?

Is this guy gay for sure, should he realistically leave his gf? It's not any guarantee he's gonna have better luck with a guy at all. =( Sometimes mixed-orientation relationships can work, because ultimately a relationship is based on mututal interest and selfless love for another, NOT where you want to stick your dick into. You still haven't been able to prove me wrong about that concept, TX.

 

[TX-Beau]

It's not any guarantee he's gonna have better luck with a guy at all. =( Sometimes mixed-orientation relationships can work, because ultimately a relationship is based on mututal interest and selfless love for another, NOT where you want to stick your dick into. You still haven't been able to prove me wrong about that concept, TX.

I have plenty of relationships based on mutual interest where it's not about where I stick my dick, they're called friendships.

I've never been in a relationship open or monogamous where there were not rules about where I stick my dick. I've never been in a relationship where sex wasn't important. Perhaps such relationships exist, but I've never seen one. Plus I'll agree with you on the mutual interest thing, toss in compatibility, but I think that relationships that work are not about selfless love, they're about mutual support. That selfless thing is not healthy, you have to be getting out of your relationships the same effort and satisfaction you're putting in.

If he's bi who knows, but he thinks he's gay, and that probably means he is. If he was sexually satisfied with the straight sex there'd be no thread.

 

[kasumato]

Are you kidding here, if he’s gay there’s no way he should be dating some poor girl, because sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship. A straight guy who’s sexually attracted to a woman who’s not his wife is still sexually attracted to wife. Claiming that’s not important is ridiculous.



There are guys and girls who are 100 percent one way or another. As for the rest, bullshit. Your sexuality affects just about everything in your life and if you’re claiming that you turn it off and become asexual the moment you leave your door, than I have to say you’re the only person on the planet capable of that. Who you date, who you don’t, or how you hide, has direct bearing on you, how people perceive you, the expectations people have for you, and the way society is gonna treat you. End of story.

Your focusing too much on sexuality, and not enough on the important issues. You're simply dividing the working class by their sexualities, saying your sexuality defines who you are, but I reject that. Your class and ideology largely define who you are. My interests in science and marxism have absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality. How I act with my friends has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality, my friends wouldn't know whether I'm gay or straight, because it's none of their business, unless I want to take my relationship with them to the next step, and so far, that has yet to happen. I don't date. People perceive me by my personality, interests, appearance, etc, but my sexuality has nothing to do with any of that. I'm just like any other person, gay or straight.

You can end what you say with "End of story." like that automatically makes it infallible, but you couldn't be more wrong. Your word isn't fact, only your opinion, and an opportunist one at that.

 

[TX-Beau]

Your focusing too much on sexuality, and not enough on the important issues. You're simply dividing the working class by their sexualities, saying your sexuality defines who you are, but I reject that. Your class and ideology largely define who you are. My interests in science and marxism have absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality. How I act with my friends has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality, my friends wouldn't know whether I'm gay or straight, because it's none of their business, unless I want to take my relationship with them to the next step, and so far, that has yet to happen. I don't date. People perceive me by my personality, interests, appearance, etc, but my sexuality has nothing to do with any of that. I'm just like any other person, gay or straight.

You can end what you say with "End of story." like that automatically makes it infallible, but you couldn't be more wrong. Your word isn't fact, only your opinion, and an opportunist one at that.

You’ve got to be kidding here. Marxism? Are you actually trying to make this some kind of political argument?

I feel safe in saying that the vast majority of humanity will agree that sex in a relationship is important. Perhaps you like to think you operate on some ethereal plain where people’s minds and emotions, and their relationships are divorced from the sexual animals we all are, but really, I’d have to call bullshit on that. The Op should not be in a relationship with a woman if he turns out to be gay, he should not keep the woman in the dark about his same sex attraction in any case, because she has a right to know. That’s just honesty.

People are not idealized intellectual constructs, people are geared for sex, spend a huge part of our lives dealing with it in one way or another, and don’t seem to be getting over that any time soon.

If you want to think that your sexuality is something you need to hide, to subsume, to repress, all the while telling yourself that it doesn’t matter because love, sweet love is so much more important, and shouldn’t be sullied with the marginal importance of sex, whatever, go to it.

Your friends make assumptions about you based on the perception of your sexuality; your family makes assumptions about you based on the perception of your sexuality. Your choice of partners is driven by your sexuality – and all of the above make even more assumptions, and have more expectations about that. All societies have assumptions and expectations about you based on your sexuality, and they do this without ever once asking your permission, ignore that all you like, but please, spare us all the noble proletariat and the class struggle anachronisms.

 

[chillyboi]

Best of luck Dean18

 

[Rex]

I think from what you've said, you're bisexual.

Please keep us updated with what happens. I hope the best for you.

 

[rainman256]

Dean, I know everyone here has given a lot of good advice. I was in almost the exact same scenario a few years ago. I had been dating a girl for 2 years when I started coming to terms with my sexuality. The relationship went on for another year and half so we had been together for 3 1/2 years at that point. Everyone said we looked so good together, and we were the perfect couple. And it sounds like the same thing you're going through -- she wanted kids, and we were heading toward marriage. Everyone in my family and hers was expecting us to get married, etc.

It took *a lot* of thought. But to make a long story short, we ended up splitting up. We're still friends, and we still talk. The point of my story is *not* to split up, but you'll need to put a lot of thought into this. It's not an easy thing to deal with, obviously. But it may take some time for you to come to a decision on what to do.

You have plenty of support here, and a lot of really great minds and hearts here to help and to listen. I wish you the best Dean, and whatever choice you make, is probably the right one.

 

[yourally]

Uh...is it just me or is almost everyone willing to say: Break up, find a guy, embrace being gay!" WTH!?

I think you should stay with her. It's just like someone said before, it's like being attracted to other girls.

And HONESTLY, after a 3-year relationship, which was your first and only serious one...do you REALLY think it's worth throwing that away, just because guys turn you on?

Just cuz you're attracted doesn't mean, you could have a good relationship with another guy. I think you should wait it out and if the attraction drives you insane...JERK OFF!

No seriously, being attracted isn't the end of the world...but I just think you need to TAKE IT SLOW, sort things out and decide if you think you could form a relationship with another guy...attraction isn't everything as you stated, you love everything about her...so just because you get hard, doesn't mean you should throw it all away...in the end, YOU have to decide, but I think you should stay together for now and gauge how YOU feel, not your dick's hardness...