Ok... I want to come out

[NotAgain]

I'm almost 21 and I think it's time for me to come out. No one in my life knows and I've obviously never done this before so I need advice.

I'm thinking of three ways to do this.

1. Come out after I explore the gay scene a little bit (and if so, how do I do that?). After I find a boyfriend and/or gay friends I come out to my parents and friends so even if it doesn't go well, I have people (who know exactly what I'm going through) to fall back on

2. Come out to a friend first. (Three of my close friends are straight guys and it's going to be at least awkward so not them. My one girl friend is way too gossipy and might not even react well Another friend is cool with gays but she might be gossipy and someone coming out is a big gossip I guess)

3. Come out to my parents first just so I can get the biggest thing out of the way (parents are not bible freaks or seem to discriminate but obviously it's different when it hits home. I think they see homosexuality as something way too distant and away from them. It will be a shock for sure and I'm not sure if their initial reaction will be an understanding one)

I'm going through phases where at one moment I feel that I'm nowhere near coming out and at other times it's eating me alive.... help please

 

[derelictdarrel]

You do know you're gay right?

I would tell mom and dad first.. Maybe they already know and this would probably show them you are putting your faith in them before your friends. That always sends a good vibe and stuff..

I would probably ease in with the friends by expressing contradictory opinions on things or start acting diffrently. And when they ask, well....

 

[NotAgain]

You do know you're gay right?

I would tell mom and dad first.. Maybe they already know and this would probably show them you are putting your faith in them before your friends. That always sends a good vibe and stuff..

I would probably ease in with the friends by expressing contradictory opinions on things or start acting diffrently. And when they ask, well....

My parents definitely don't know. My mom once said that she didn't like that the two gays on Modern Family raised a kid. She likes it now but the fact that she expressed that opinion to me shows that she has no idea. From the things my parents say is that they tolerate gay people but don't feel comfortable around them....

 

[derelictdarrel]

...I dont know what else to tell you..

 

[NotAgain]

haha! it's ok. thanks for responding

 

[glasvegas]

I told a few of best friends. My best advice is tell those you trust, gain a lil confidence to help out your coming out process later

 

[Legionair]

I contacted the local gay support group in the yellow pages before I did anything. Sometimes gaining pride and knowledge is an easier option then just springing on someone when you can't trust their response to be positive. The support group will introduce you to the wider community. Sometimes there's safety in numbers. Good luck.

 

[Sam Blum]

My suggestion would be to be certain that you have enough money set aside that you are independent and can move your accommodation if all goes awfully horribly. Parents can be unpredictable, as we know too well from the number of parents who toss previously adored children onto the streets. I most certainly don't want to sound rude about your parents, but it is important to be prepared with your emergency plan.

Don't tell your parents at the end of a day when they and you are tired and run down. Tell them after breakfast on a weekend if possible, so that you have a day to go away from each other and think, before coming back together to clarify any concerns.

Remember - you've had a while to come to grips with this, and since most people struggle with reconciling their own sexuality with more socially accepted straight prescriptions, it is fair to give them some time too.

Don't put too much weight on 'friendships' with people you don't evaluate as trustworthy. Always keep your eyes and ears open and meet new people through others and through clubs and other groups or organisations at work/school/other places of interest.

Definitely being in connection with young gay peoples' groups is a great idea. Also, find a gay doctor, or very gay friendly doctor through just such a group if you don't have one already. Straight male doctors are rarely the full quid on gay men's health and concerns. Stressful times can lead to poorer than usual health, so start looking at all aspects.

Be optimistic. Even though I sound like I'm asking you to brace for the worst outcome, when it all goes swimmingly well, you will be so relieved, but if something goes wrong, you will still think of all the things that went right!

Best of luck, and keep us abreast of successes and difficulties.

 

[NotAgain]

My suggestion would be to be certain that you have enough money set aside that you are independent and can move your accommodation if all goes awfully horribly. Parents can be unpredictable, as we know too well from the number of parents who toss previously adored children onto the streets. I most certainly don't want to sound rude about your parents, but it is important to be prepared with your emergency plan.

Don't tell your parents at the end of a day when they and you are tired and run down. Tell them after breakfast on a weekend if possible, so that you have a day to go away from each other and think, before coming back together to clarify any concerns.

Remember - you've had a while to come to grips with this, and since most people struggle with reconciling their own sexuality with more socially accepted straight prescriptions, it is fair to give them some time too.

Don't put too much weight on 'friendships' with people you don't evaluate as trustworthy. Always keep your eyes and ears open and meet new people through others and through clubs and other groups or organisations at work/school/other places of interest.

Definitely being in connection with young gay peoples' groups is a great idea. Also, find a gay doctor, or very gay friendly doctor through just such a group if you don't have one already. Straight male doctors are rarely the full quid on gay men's health and concerns. Stressful times can lead to poorer than usual health, so start looking at all aspects.

Be optimistic. Even though I sound like I'm asking you to brace for the worst outcome, when it all goes swimmingly well, you will be so relieved, but if something goes wrong, you will still think of all the things that went right!

Best of luck, and keep us abreast of successes and difficulties.

I'm 99% positive my parents won't throw me out. The worst case scenario would be not talking to me for a week or so (but that's the worst, worst, worst case). Thanks very much though for you detailed response. It's very helpful to see others knowing what I'm going through.

I think I might contact some support group or something (like you and Legionair suggested).

 

[NotAgain]

How do you know this?

Do they outwardly express negative feelings towards gay men? I was dread with fear of coming out to my straight best friend and it didn't even matter to him. I was showered with love and support.

I shouldn't have implied that all of them are homophobic.

From the three friends:

the first is ok with gay guys (he has a lesbian sister, a gay friend and actually kissed a dude once at a party). But I don't feel comfortable telling him first because I just don't.

the other one is less ok with gay guys. He believes that gays should be married but throws a "faggot" every now and again. That doesn't mean much given our age but it just tells me that he shouldn't be the first to know.

the third friend is the worst. He's my closest friend and I've known him since I was 3, and he's the core man of the group (which is probably why I don't want to tell any of those 3).
Examples of his homophobia: He thinks gays shouldn't marry (which is how I found out that the other friend supports gay marriage). Another example is that every time someone mentions a gay actor (eg. Neil Patrick Harris) he goes "Is he that faggot? It's so wrong that they present him as a womanizer on that show". He's not an aggressive homophobe, he's the "I'm not homophobic, BUT..." kind of guy.

At some point I'll tell them, but they can't be the first ones to know and when they do, it will be a test of a friendship that has lasted for more than 15 years. I can't be concerned with losing childhood friends when I'm trying to come out at the same time. I know my response is way too long for what you said, but it kind of helped me to write (type) that down. Puts things in order.... thanks anyway

 

[Frosty]

I think the first option is best. You need support and people you can talk to if things go bad with other people. You can do it alone but it'll be so much harder. If you make at least 1 gay friend that'd help so much more to have someone who knows what you're going through and understands you by your side. You don't have to start going to gay clubs or anything just chat with people online that you think you'd be good friends with and if you get along great then meet up and hang out with them.

 

[Taz]

I suggest coming out first to a trusted friend who you think will be accepting. If you don't have any of those I suggest you make some new friends.

I went through the same thing a few months back, you can read through my blog if you find it at all helpful

 

[Sam Blum]

I'm 99% positive my parents won't throw me out. The worst case scenario would be not talking to me for a week or so (but that's the worst, worst, worst case). Thanks very much though for you detailed response. It's very helpful to see others knowing what I'm going through.

I think I might contact some support group or something (like you and Legionair suggested).

Good to hear, and it was not so much a pleasure, but I'm happy to offer insight: I've seen lots of students struggle with this and it can be immense and over-powering. All the very best.

The support groups sound a little cliche, but they are often really fun and diverse and inclusive. You could end up with some great net-working and wonderful friends out of such a group.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

planet collection human cultures need cosmic support

so

ya figure it out

there go

 

[NotAgain]

Thanks again for responding everyone!

Frosty I might actually do what you suggested (I'm between that and the support group). Since I still have moments where I feel I'm not ready I might give it sometime. The thought that in a couple of years I will probably be out is overwhelming.

And Taz, I'll start reading your blog. Personal things like that usually help me. thanks!

P.S. Is it weird I'm understanding SLOPPYSECONDS? His posts always have a point buried deep down

 

[Greenherbz]

^ hahah sometimes i understand him too,
I usually read his comments in a jamaican/Rastafarian accent in my head. Its how I like to envision sloppy lol