Ok, so...yeah, this is harder than I expected

[notalentchance]

Hi, guys.

Before I start, I'm going to get it all out there. This is actually a number of firsts for me. This is the first time I've ever "come out" to anyone, so...surprise! I've also never posted on a forum like this, and it kinda scares me.

There isn't a large gay population where I'm from. Small, fairly conservative town, so I grew up as a country kid. I don't fit the "gay stereotype" physically (voice, walk, clothing, sense of style, etc), so I've passed for a straight guy for my entire life. I'm 6'4", 225 lbs, short cut blond hair with a close cropped beard. I work in a mill, where there are very, very few people that are accepting of alternative lifestyles. I know of a couple that are, but I'm terrified to even come out to them.

Because these are the people that I've worked with so long (6 years now), I've become attracted to that type of build and demeanor with which they carry themselves. No, I'm not talking about the heavily conservative "burn the homos" attitude, but the macho, beer drinking, white t-shirt and jeans type. I always knew that physically bigger, hairier men attracted me, but I'm quite sure that working in a place which contained almost exclusively people of that build has put me off of any other kind of man...ever. More effeminate men do nothing for me...if I wanted a woman, I wouldn't be gay (sounds harsh, I know...sorry, that's just the way I am). I want a man, dangit!

So, here's my problems:

1. How, how, HOW do I go about "coming out"? I'm not exactly comfortable telling my white, blond haired, blue eyed Catholic family that I'm attracted to men. The way I was raised, it simply wasn't tolerated. Shunning is kind of an accepted practice here, and even though it is more frowned upon than it once was, it still happens to people who don't exactly fit the community norm (Goths, academics, people who don't play hockey...). I have a few friends that I know are tolerant of the lifestyle, and I feel that they would be the most accepting. However, I'm still leery of telling anyone.

2. I know exactly one gay person who is public with his sexual orientation. He's small, slender, and not at all what I'm looking for. Where do I find larger men? I'm not looking for someone out of shape, but in "worker shape," if that makes any sense. There are no gay bars/hangouts here, and I'd say the closest one is about 700km away...

3. What am I to expect? The internet is a new thing for me, so I'm doing a lot of catching up here. To suddenly change myself in the eyes of my community is going to be huge...bigger than huge. The only "gay lifestyle" I know of is the one that's portrayed on tv. Sorry to say, but Will & Grace is about as thorough as my knowledge goes. How do I react as a man who has effectively been straight for his entire life when people start treating me differently?

4. Yes, when I say "effectively straight," I'm implying a lot of things. That said, I'll get one thing out there: I'm a virgin. I've seen porn, gay and straight, and as far as I'm concerned, sex is going to be a little bit different than that. What do I do to prepare for sex for the first time? Oral sex intrigues me, and the idea of anal sex kind of scares me. Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance for any responses. I'm looking forward to reading replies.

(As a side note, can this please be left in the bears section? I know, it's more of an introduction, but as bears are the kind of men I'm interested in, I'd like their input, thoughts, and suggestions. *prays to the almighty JUB mods to leave this here*)

-ntc

 

[keazcums]

There is no easy out on this one. No punn intended. Either you tell people or you don't. You have to weigh the consequences of What if I do tell, and what if I dont tell. Each person must make up their own mind as to what is right for them.

I told my parents by a letter. It took me 10 years to finally admit to them, but I did it. I wrote a letter saying that they did nothing wrong, I am who I am and have always been the same person and just because I am telling you that I am attracted to men does not change anything. I was surprised that they were like so... My Mother just wanted me to be happy...thats all she ever wished for.

fidning someone I would say comes easy for some, harder for others. But my thoughts on this is that it will happen. Perhaps tomorrow maybe not for another 5 years...but it will happen....It took me 10 years to find my Man, and because I waited and I used that time to become a stronger human being as an individual, I am secure with in my relationship...and yes I found him online in a gay chat room. WE have been together for 5 years and we have never ever raised our voices to each other, or ever had a fight.

Just because you are gay, and all you may know about the gay world is through Will and Grace, don't get yourself down on that....Just be yourself. I think that is the most important thing that you can do for yourself. People are either going to like you for you or not like you at all. But that is true for anyone. Being GAY is not WHAT you are or Who you are, it is a part of you.

Don't put so much time and effort into what do I do during sex. Sex should be fun, and effortless. It should be something you want to do, not forced into. You do what is comfortable for you at that moment. Sexual activity should be enjoyed. Just take it easy, I kinda read into your message that your putting the cart before the horse. Don't...just be yourself, do what is comfortable and do what is right for you. Doing right for you is to me the most important thing you can do for yourself.

And Personally, don't rush into anything ... I have a philospophy of this...and it is based on the fact that I worked in a GAY bar for 5 years...

I use to see the most unhappiest, most unfulfilled gay men in the world. Coming to the bar night after night, leaving with a different person on a aweekly basis and listening to them say that they had great sex that night and hes the man for me. Well guess what, those quickie relationships never worked out. These people were creatures of habbits. Never happy with themselves, or taking the time to find themselves... I am talking in general terms so my thoughts on this are generalized...and they do not apply to the entire gay community. And yes perhaps working at a gay bar jilted me and skewed my thoughts and ideas on gay relationships..but what I was really more observing was the individuals.

If you have a sexual encounter with anyone, remember that that is a peice of yourself for that moment that you can not give to a life long partner...I am NOT saying become celibate, but what I am saying is what I said before. Do what is right for you.

I think you need time to just absorb everything about YOU and what it is that YOU want. Don't do something just because everyone else is doing it. Take time to be WHO you are...

 

[maxxximum]

it's really the same thing if you're fat, skinny, a bear, cub, pig, cow blah blah blah.

1. if you're not comfortable teling your family, then don't

2. go to bear dating sites, plenty of those around, and arrange a meet with someone you feel comfortable talking to.

3 no catching up is necessary. if there's such a thing as a "gay lifestyle", its prolly what you saw on telly, ie Will n Grace. Gays really aren't that different to straight people. There's the other side of it, the infamous "scene", which is more often than not, a sexual meeting place thing.

4. if you just cannot wait to "explore the sexual side" of your life, go to a gay site and arrange a hookup, prolly requires some looking and plenty of driving from the sounds of it.

how old are you? are you planning to move? or would you be willing to move?

 

[Fat Tom]

You sound strangely familiar to me... minus the working in a mill, living in a small town, and your physical attributes. Your whole attitude fits exactly how I feel/felt.

It was incredibly hard for me to come out at first. Luckily, I'm surrounded by terrific friends who really could have given a fuck-less that I was gay. You say you have a few friends who are accepting of it, tell them if you really feel the need.

I know how you feel about being leery about telling anyone. That definitely came up in my mind when I considered telling my parents. My parents are christian, and have always made homophobic remarks. Shit can be really scary.

As for finding some bears... that can be hard. I don't go out to gay bars or clubs. I can't stand gay clubs. I hate the music, I'm not attracted to the guys at all, and they actually just get on my nerves. Sites like this, though, might help you find someone in or around your area.

As for you changing in the eyes of your community. Fuck 'em. You don't need to change for anyone. The only difference between a gay and straight lifestyle is that you like to fuck dudes. Most people who find out I'm gay are like "What the fuck? No way. I never thought Tom would have been gay. He's definitely one of the straighest gay guys ever." If they have a problem with it, then fuck 'em. You don't need them in your life. Sometimes it might come down to violence. You're a big guy, so I know you can hold your own.

As for the idea of sex. I've never been fucked. I don't like the idea of being fucked. Some people just aren't catchers. It might happen for me later down the line, but right now I'm content sucking dick and pounding ass.

PS: Post some pics of yourself... because you sound hot as hell. hahah

 

[TheToiletDuck]

My strongest suggestion is to go on holiday away from your parents and try stuff out. You'll be surprised how much confident you will be once you have some experience.

 

[--Cachorro--]

First and foremost: you've always been gay. Being gay is a part of who you are... not who you are. You don't have to change and I imagine that you won't at all once you come out. And while we're on the subject of coming out... I would just start with the friends you mentioned that are comfortable with the "alternative lifestyle." Guage their reaction and allow their respect and support to boost your confidence in the gay world.

As for meeting men, try biggercity.com. It's absolutely one of the best (if not the best) personal/meeting sites for gay bears, cubs, chasers, etc. I absolutely adore the site and it has been a major step into me seeing a different branch of the community. News flash, kiddo: Will & Grace doesn't exist. Those gays are so few in numbers, it's absurd. Because they come in, squeeling and screaming, throwing rainbow conffetti, they are noticed the most. The squeaking wheel gets the primetime sitcom. Most gay men drink beer, own plaid shirts, watch sports, and just live normal lives. No change in required for you to be a true gay man. You already are. You always have been.

Your family is probably going to be tough. It comes down to what is more important to you. Do you tell them and run the possibility of losing them; or do you be who you always have been and simply let them think you "haven't met the right girl yet?"

In all honesty... I'd say you need to get on biggercity, find the closest large city near you, and visit the soonest bear event. I think that would open your eyes to the bear community, let you see the world through new eyes, get some new experiences and have one HELL of a FUCKING GOOD TIME.

Sex. Sex. Sex for bears seems to be a little more fraught than it does for twinks and the flamers. It sounds cliche, but move at your own pace. Don't let anyone push you into something that you aren't ready for. Build a relationship with someone you can trust before hitting the sheets. Your first time should be special and for someone who is a hesitent as you are, it should be with someone you are comfortable with. I would avoid one night stands and fuck-n-runs.

These are just my opinions... private message me if you want to talk, eh? I'm always available.

 

[Zeremonie]

As a side note, can this please be left in the bears section? I know, it's more of an introduction, but as bears are the kind of men I'm interested in, I'd like their input, thoughts, and suggestions. *prays to the almighty JUB mods to leave this here*

Welcome to Just Us Boys.

Yours is exactly the kind of thread that I like to see in the coming out forum. The Adult Content areas of JUB are really meant for naughty bit content, and you've got serious conversation going which deserves to be in a no flame zone.

Just because your thread is here in the bear forum doesn't mean that the guys replying are bears. I regularly read and reply in this forum and I'm a 40 year-old woman. Far cry from a bear.

In fact, honestly, I think you're going to get more replies from bears in the Coming Out forum than here - The reason that I think that is because that's a much busier forum. you're going to get more replies period, and you have no idea what people on the other end of the computer look like (me, definite girl). The Coming Out forum is much newer than the Bear area, and already has way more threads and posts.

I haven't yet decided if I will move your thread or not. Sorry.

As an aside note, I'd say you've gotten some great replies, and there's nothing I can add that would top what you've heard!

Edit:

I did move your thread to Coming Out forum. It truly is a very good fit there, and I have no doubt you'll get some great advice there too.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Just as a quick introduction - 6'1", dress like a slob, rock music, season tickets to contact sports. And no, effeminate men aren't really my type, either. So I kinda know where you're coming from. I think Z did the right thing moving your thread. As time goes on, I think you'll learn that it's good to get as many vantage points as possible. In fact, I think you'll find out that just because a guy is "girly" doesn't mean he's not worth listening to.

As to your questions.

1. Be prepared to move. That might sound harsh, but if you live somewhere with very few homosexuals, and who are very intolerant towards same, your best bet might be not to fight them on this. This doesn't mean you have to make a beeline to the largest city in your country. But do give some thought to relocating.

2. Ditto number one. You can certainly meet people online. In fact, I'd suggest hanging out in the forums here, read some threads, throw your two cents in. Get to know us - we're actually pretty cool people. (Well, *I* think so, anyway.) But if you're looking to forge a relationship, it's going to be tough unless there's a pool to draw from . And from the way you make it sound, the pool there is extremely small.

3. Here's the big one. Say this to yourself over and over again until you believe it. Ready?

There IS no gay lifestyle.

Being gay means you like guys. Period. End of story. Anything else you want to do, or don't want to do, is completely up to you. If people choose to treat you differently, that's their concern, not yours. People might expect you to take up embroidery, or start prancing down the street, or whatever. Don't feel you have to live up (or down) to their expectations. KEEP BEING YOU.

4. Sex. Would it surprise you to learn that roughly half of gay males "rarely" or "never" participate in anal sex? True. So don't feel you're alone by not wanting to do anal. What do you do to prepare? Tell the guy you're a virgin, tell him to take it slow, tell him what you'd like (and not like) to try, relax and enjoy it. Unless he's an utter clod, he'll know what to do. We've all been there.

Again, welcome to JUB! Keep us informed how it's going!

Lex

 

[shypuppy69]

There isn't a large gay population where I'm from. Small, fairly conservative town, so I grew up as a country kid. I don't fit the "gay stereotype" physically (voice, walk, clothing, sense of style, etc), so I've passed for a straight guy for my entire life.

This describes me exactly!

Coming out is different with every person that you come out to. Sometimes you get the reaction that you expect but sometimes it is just the opposite. I don't think it is ever easy with close friends and family but it does get easier. Once you begin coming out you will be really surprised at the tremendous feeling of relief that comes over you.

Sex is great and everyone should experience it. Most guys will be understanding if they know that you are new to sex because we have all been there.

As far as meeting other guys, I can't give much advice there because I'm not very successful in that respect. i still live in a very conservative rural area, work long hours at my job, and hate the bars and crowds (besides they are too far away anyway).

You have made a good choice coming here to JUB. The guys are great and often give excellent advise. You can meet a whole community that you could never meet at home.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi notalentchance and welcome to JUB!

It's hard to add anything useful to the excellent advice already given. I think G-Lex, in particular, sums up the possibilities rather well. I would reinforce the idea of sticking around here (JUB in general) for a while and getting to know people and bounce ideas off them.

How realistic is it for you to relocate away from your area to a bigger city? I know that your roots go deep where you are, and you have a job there, so asking you to do that may be nearly impossible for you. If it IS possible, then that's your ideal solution. If it's not possible, then perhaps you'll need to zero in on your nearest larger city and make weekend trips there, play around, meet people and friends, and start exploring this side of you. If you're really committed to staying there, then perhaps a long-distance relationship is in your cards. Perhaps that might be the only realistic option for you.

As for coming out, you've listed some fairly compelling reasons not to, and I don't see one compelling reason to do so--at least right now, in your situation. You have family that wouldn't "get it," co-workers who would shun you, and you'd basically be shunned left and right (except for a few liberal friends who might accept you). Of course, if that happened, that would make leaving the area more easy, perhaps.

Instead, why not explore other areas and plot your escape from that environment. Once you do, and are more safe and secure as to who you are, then you can come back and fill them in on the real you as you wish.

One last seed to plant in your head. You feel you are uninformed on gay issues and "the gay community" and view gays as Will and Grace and other mass-media stereotypes. So does everyone around you, and perhaps even more so because they aren't gay themselves and don't think they associate with anyone who is. Sometimes, when men like you come out to them, they realizing that you arent a threatening queer. You're Joe Blow from the Mill--a regular working guy who's a good guy. Finding out you're gay could blow their socks off. It could also educate them in that "hey, he's not a bad guy, maybe I've misjudged those queers." OK, maybe that's pie-in-the-sky, but the point is, when people are confronted by something that doesn't match their bias or stereotype, it does serve to unhinge those views slowly but surely. I'm not saying that you should go on a crusade to educate small-town mentalities by outing yourself, left and right (in fact, just above I advocated the opposite); I'm just saying that, depending on the relationship and how deep friendships go, I wouldn't necessarily assume you'll be shunned.

Good luck! Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Soilwork]

this might come across like I'm coming down on you.

I have that touch, apparently.

but what you need to remember is that MOST gay guys don't "appear" gay or fit the "gay stereotype."

Most gay guys are just regular guys.

This of course feeds the vicious circle. "regular" guys who are gay don't come out because all they see is gay guys who are visibly gay.. therefore the other "regular" gay guys dont' see them and they dont' come out either.

your'e probably not the only gay guy at work.. or at least in your extended group of friends.

Now, I'm not saying that you need to come out at work. Not everyone, as I'm constantly reminded, is the VP of a gay porn studio.

But it might do you well to maybe try to find some kind of social outlet where you can meet gay men which whom you share an interest or two.

What do you like to do in your spare time? What hobbies do you have?

 

[notalentchance]

Wow guys, thanks for all the great replies.

I've decided not come out, for now. I'm still not entirely comfortable with it.

Sorry for the misunderstanding about the "gay lifestyle." I really, really had no idea. I'm still learning

Anyways, I'll reply later. I'm getting ready to go to work. Thanks again for all the great replies!

 

[--Cachorro--]

Go with your gut instinct. If it isn't the time, kiddo, it just isn't the time!

 

[notalentchance]

Hey guys. It's been a while since I first posted, so I figured I'd give a bit of an update:

I came out to a coworker/friend of mine on Saturday. We'd gone out for beers at a few places in town, ended up meeting some very wonderful women from Sweden who absolutely hated the last bar that we were all at and wanted to get home so they could get some sleep before they had to catch their flight back home. We walked them home, and after dropping them off at their hotel, we got to talking about his recent breakup with his fiance, and his current failing relationship. We'd both called in to work the night before, because we knew it'd be near impossible to get to work the next day...once we get started, we don't really quit until they kick us out...

Regardless, it was about a forty-five minute walk back to his apartment. We decided that I'd just crash on his couch, because my place was in the opposite direction. Anyways, we talked about it for the entire way back, and I offered my advice like I always do. I've always been that guy that people talk to about their problems. Heck, I even got paid to do it while in University as an RA! After doing that, he kind of chuckled, and I asked him what was funny. He said it was funny how I always knew exactly what had to be said, regardless of the fact that I hadn't dated anyone in about a decade. I blurted it out right after he said it.

"I'm gay."

God, it felt so good to say it. So very, very good. There was an awkward silence which didn't feel quite so good, but he took it so much better than I'd anticipated. He chuckled again, and asked if I was serious. I just nodded and looked at the ground. I wasn't embarassed, exactly, but I definitely felt a bit more exposed than I ever have in my life. He clapped a hand on my shoulder and told me that it didn't matter.

<Insert relief here.>

Of course, we joked about it afterwards. He promised not to tell anyone unless I wanted him to. Mostly, he was just curious about why I'd never told him before. I mean, we've known each other since I started at the mill as a summer hire years ago, and we'd always kept in touch while I was getting my degrees. I can only imagine how shocking it would have been to find out. I still crashed on his couch, as he said it didn't bother him at all, and even though it's only been a few days, we still hang out like we normally do.

That's about it. Perhaps the family, one day...maybe.

 

[backpacker]

Awesome update. Coming out to the first person is always the hardest. I'm glad it went so well. I bet you will be coming out to others before you know it.

Lean on the guys here at JUB for support. The more time you spend here, the more comfortable you will become with being gay. You will also learn that many of the stereotypes just don't apply to the majority of gay men. Good luck!

 

[Lube]

Welcome to JUB and glad things worked out so well for you. Those are the best kinds of friends, true friends.

It gets easier the more people you tell. You also feel more confident about yourself. And chatting with fellow JUBonians helps make you feel comfortable with who you are.

And keep this in mind: No matter how straight-acting or straight-looking you are, if you don't brag about the women you've slept with and in fact haven't mentioned anything about a date in years--most people have probably already figured it out, or at least gossiped about it.

People aren't stupid.

 

[Lube]

I always knew that physically bigger, hairier men attracted me, but I'm quite sure that working in a place which contained almost exclusively people of that build has put me off of any other kind of man...ever. More effeminate men do nothing for me...if I wanted a woman, I wouldn't be gay (sounds harsh, I know...sorry, that's just the way I am). I want a man, dangit!

There's nothing wrong with liking bears, but please don't equate effeminate men with women.

They are not the same thing.

And the last thing effeminate men need to hear--from their fellow gay men, no less--is that they are just like women. Something the straight world has been telling them forever.

Please be more considerate.

Thanks.

 

[theblackajah]

It's great that you've found a friend you can confide in! Congratulations- friends like that are rare. At least now you know you have one TRUE friend, for sure.

Now, take it at your own pace, whatever you're comfortable with. It'll get easier as you go. Perhaps talk about it with the first friend- maybe he can give you advice for a change?

By the way- lemme guess... Northern BC?

 

[G-Lexington]

Feels great, doesn't it? Welcome to the other side.

Lex

 

[maxxximum]

That's good news, mate. Well done. I'm happy for you.