OMG, He Emailed Me! - What To Do?

[Cognition]

OMG! I didn't expect this!

Ok guys, remember Rob? The guy I'm slowly recovering from? The guy that I hooked up with one night and the guy who took me to my first gay bars/club?

Well, I know that part my of personal vow to never contact him again in pursuit of getting over him, but I became weak last night and sent him a message over IM. It was a simple "Hello." He didn't answer and I assumed he didn't want to talk to me (again, having no evidence to conclude that). About 15 minutes later after some miscellaneous web surfing, I just called it a night and went to bed.

Now, I just came back from a software support job and decided to check my email and I notice that I got a message from Rob. My heart begins to race immediately, beating rapidly while I juggled multiple thoughts about what the email is about. I have no clue. I'm thinking it's an email about him not wanting me to contact him again or something similarly negative (again, an assumption that I have no evidence or data to support with).

I then proceed to click on the message and see what Rob had to say. I was a bit surprised. Here's what he had to say:

Hey -

Saw your IM last night, but I had passed out. Sorry I missed it, how are things going with you? Hope things are good, let me know what's up nowadays, it's been a while!

Wow. Here's a uy that I thought who totally wrote me off as an uptight quack, and he sends me this nice email. Or maybe he sent me this message just to be nice and "pamper" me because he thinks I'm fragile.

So, what do you guys think? Should I respond to his email? Or should I just ignore it and continue recovering from him and pursue a real relationship with someone? Should I just be polite and thank him for his email? Or should I just delete it?

I'm asking you guys for advice because I don't want to foul things up, and I don't want to make another bone-headed decision regarding Rob.

Thanks guys!

 

[Cognition]

I was thinking that I could prove to myself that I have enough emotional strength to get over him by just deleting his email and remaining focused on the things currently going on in my life right now.

On the other hand, not replying to his email would be rude and yet another bad decision that wouldn't give me anymore credibility.

Yet again, deleting his email (and thus, not replying) could be viewed by Rob that I'm fragile and overreacted to his not answering my IM by not replying to his email.

Make sense?

 

[12fear99]

Just reply to him and see where it goes. You will never know unless you respond. Good Luck.

 

[maxpowr9]

Judging by the previous posts, I would approach this more cautiously. Sure it may work out this time, but remember, there was a reason you two split previously.

Me personally, I don't give second chances.

 

[manofsummer]

Seems to me like he's trying to be nice. But I could be wrong. Anyways, reply to his email. It was polite of him to apologize for not replying on IM.
You should reciprocate politeness, neither more nor less.

 

[Jory]

I agree he replied to your IM so reply back if he returns your reply then great if not your a better man for it.

 

[tonyboy]

Good Lord man, he's not asking you to marry him.... he wrote you a kind message asking how you've been. Just reply and tell him.

Seems he's a nice enough guy and good enough to just write and say hello, how you doing.

I don't see the need for all the drama here.... just give a nice reply and answer his questions. That's all you need to do and he is just asking a simple question here, like 'how you doing'.

If he writes back then all if fine man... and if not then you figure you must move on. Simple as that.

 

[Cognition]

Thanks everyone for your input. I woke up this morning to read everyone's response in this thread, so I took a couple of minutes and replied to Rob's email.

I have to tell you that I sort of didn't want to reply because it just may lead to me being hurt again. I know he not interested in seeing me again, even when he comes to Dallas to visit his family and when he goes to the club with this other friends here in Dallas.

I have a hard time with rejection so his future actions may "damage" me more, as in the lack of maintaining a friendship.

Here's what I replied with (just to be polite as you all advised):

Hey there,

Oh no problem, Rob. I was just shooting a friendly hello. Did you actually pass out? Are you okay? I trust you're physically sound and all.

Things are going fine. I finished my move to Dallas some time ago, and it's such a convenience to be closer to school and clientele.

How's life on your end? It's been awhile indeed, Roberto!

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I have to tell you that I sort of didn't want to reply because it just may lead to me being hurt again.

Then why, in the name of all that is good and holy, did you IM him in the first place?

Lex

 

[Cognition]

>>>I have to tell you that I sort of didn't want to reply because it just may lead to me being hurt again.

Then why, in the name of all that is good and holy, did you IM him in the first place?

Lex

I IMed him because I was lonely. I don't have anyone to talk, so naturally, I became weak and sent him an IM.

Yes, I acknowledge I broke my own personal vow not to contact him again.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

try to meet other people and maybe you will become interested in them? Don't put all your egg s in one basket. Just find a good chat room if nothing else and slowly become acclimated to it. People will get to know you the more you visit.
I would reply but expect nothing. YOu must broaden your horizon because I understand the lonely thing and all but if you don't expand you have only that single chance and its not enough to displace being lonely or missing him.

 

[manofsummer]

Do not invest more time on him.
And always keep your pride high. Don't be weak, it's not nice.
There's nothing such as "the one". You will find many other "ones".

 

[Cognition]

Why Do I Keep Shooting Myself In The Foot?

Just as I feared...

Rob definitely isn't interested in me as a person. That email of his was just to be polite but also a friendly "coverup" for how he really feels.

He hasn't replied yet, but has been online logged into AIM.

What amazes me is why he would even bother sending me an email when he wants nothing to do with me? Yet again, I wish I would have been friendly and sent him a text message. Now I'm depressed and hurt ALL over again.

I feel very hurt right now. I feel the sting of rejection yet again.

I feel like sending a very hateful email back to him about this, but that won't make things better. And I definitely don't need another enemy in life.

I hate Rob. I truly do.

 

[hanshansen]

My god, if I was Rob, why on earth would I want to be with someone who will hate me if I don't respond to his email straight away?

You have been obsessing over this guy for months. For whatever reason, he has become the lightning rod for all your sexual/social/racial anxieties (we all have more or less of those).

Cut the guy loose. If he mails you, then send a friendly reply, but don't send him any more unsolicited messages. Deal with your anxieties without him, using professional help if you need to. And keep meeting other guys until you find someone who you do feel at ease with and who makes you feel good about yourself.

You will feel the better for it. You are wasting so much time and energy thinking and speculating about this person. It's time and energy you could spend making yourself happier.

 

[stripes]

My god, if I was Rob, why on earth would I want to be with someone who will hate me if I don't respond to his email straight away?

You have been obsessing over this guy for months. For whatever reason, he has become the lightning rod for all your sexual/social/racial anxieties (we all have more or less of those).

Cut the guy loose. If he mails you, then send a friendly reply, but don't send him any more unsolicited messages. Deal with your anxieties without him, using professional help if you need to. And keep meeting other guys until you find someone who you do feel at ease with and who makes you feel good about yourself.

You will feel the better for it. You are wasting so much time and energy thinking and speculating about this person. It's time and energy you could spend making yourself happier.

(i agree)

 

[Cognition]

My god, if I was Rob, why on earth would I want to be with someone who will hate me if I don't respond to his email straight away?

You have been obsessing over this guy for months. For whatever reason, he has become the lightning rod for all your sexual/social/racial anxieties (we all have more or less of those).

Cut the guy loose. If he mails you, then send a friendly reply, but don't send him any more unsolicited messages. Deal with your anxieties without him, using professional help if you need to. And keep meeting other guys until you find someone who you do feel at ease with and who makes you feel good about yourself.

You will feel the better for it. You are wasting so much time and energy thinking and speculating about this person. It's time and energy you could spend making yourself happier.

I have to retract my statement. I don't hate Rob. I was just a bit upset about why someone would treat me that way. I liken it to someone kindly welcoming you into their home and then literally slamming the door in your face.

Sorry, I'm human.

 

[Blacksheep]

You probably aren't the most important thing in his world. He was probably happy you had got in contact and was genuinely interested in what you were up to.

Just because he didn't rush to instantly answer your e-mail doesn't make him a bad person or mean that he isn't your friend, it just means that you aren't a top priority.

You seem to have a problem with perspective when it comes to this guy (I have similar issues when I split up with someone so I know where you are coming from). There is nothing you can do but chill out and see if he ever replies.

In all honesty if he does I would never talk to him again. He doesn't like you the way you want him to and you will just prolong your heartache. Especially since you are obviously still obsessing over him when it's fairly evident he wants a distant friendship at best at the moment.

 

[hanshansen]

I have to retract my statement. I don't hate Rob. I was just a bit upset about why someone would treat me that way. I liken it to someone kindly welcoming you into their home and then literally slamming the door in your face.

Sorry, I'm human.

It's still a total over-reaction and totally unproductive. So he didn't get back to your email straight away. What claim do you think you have on him? What makes you so special? You hooked up, he took you out to the clubs one night. You kept on sending him I-am-not-worthy rejection letters. Why should he get back to you straight away?

And it was you who knocked on that door - it would have been rude not to open the door. You could have avoided all of this angst by not sending him that initial message in the first place.

FWIW, I was in a situation several weeks ago where someone approached me, we clicked, all the signs were that he was majorly into me, we got together regularly, I got texts every day, by week 3 I thought it could go on like this for another few months. It was great. Then one day, without warning, the texts stopped, I got no replies to my texts, when I called him on it I was told that 'something had developed he hadn't expected' but we should have coffee. That coffee hasn't happened, I don't expect it to.

Am I disappointed? Yes, of course I am. That felt like a door slamming shut. I don't know why it slammed shut. I'm disappointed that someone who I thought was straight-forward and decent and reasonably mature could turn on a dime like that and not even tell me without major prompting, but just freeze me out.

But I can't say it has sent me into a tail spin. I choose not to spend all my time speculating on what makes this particular guy tick this way and why he did what he did. It is not worth it. I've got other things to do. I've continued socialising with people I know and like and trust, doing my job, putting out feelers to other people I've found interesting. I'm probably happier than I was before I met that guy, because I learned quite a bit about myself through meeting him.

 

[Cognition]

You probably aren't the most important thing in his world. He was probably happy you had got in contact and was genuinely interested in what you were up to.

In all honesty if he does I would never talk to him again. Especially since you are obviously still obsessing over him when it's fairly evident he wants a distant friendship at best at the moment.

If he wants a distant "friendship" then I'll give it to him. I won't ever contact him on IM again, call, or email. In fact, I think I'll just block his email address so I won't be tempted in the future. Is that rude? Yeah, kinda. But I think it will start to close the door on my obsession over him.

 

[Cognition]

It's still a total over-reaction and totally unproductive. So he didn't get back to your email straight away. What claim do you think you have on him? What makes you so special? You hooked up, he took you out to the clubs one night. You kept on sending him I-am-not-worthy rejection letters. Why should he get back to you straight away?

Just to be fair, it was only one "I-am-not-worthy" rejection letter.

He doesn't like you the way you want him to and you will just prolong your heartache.

I'm not sure if I do like him. There's nothing to like. I don't even see the guy. For some strange reason, I'm obsessed with him. I can't figure out why that is. How come I'm not obsessed with my ex boyfriend, who I spent substantially more time with and slept with? How come I'm not obsessed with other hookups in the recent past? How come I'm not obsessing over a guy I hooked up with that looked like Mario Lopez - way more good-looking than Rob?

This thing is like bondage - I simply can not get over Rob, despite trying all the tricks in the book.

I really do want to get over him guys. I thought going out last would help, but alas, it hasn't.