Hey guys,so I know that this has been talked about quite a lot, but my situation is slightly different, so hear me out, if you want to.
I've been dating Mark (let's just call him that) for almost 8 months. Things started out well and for the first two months we didn't fight or argue, after that we continuously did, and still do.
Now I know what you're thinking- fighting that much? Get out! Well it's a little more complicated than that because I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) About 5 months a go I started going to see a counsellor and a month ago, I started seeing a psychologist.
A little about people with BPD- they have a fear of abandonment, think their partners are either the best or the worst, mood swings all the time, they have trust issues. Those are just a few things. They are also very creative and passionate people, and really want to be good people like anyone else. That's what I was given in life to deal with it- and I have been trying my best.
So the relationship- I know I get upset at little things that Mark does, that I shouldn't, and some of the time I stop myself, but other times I can't control it, at least I don't feel like I can in the moment. Most of the time I create stupid little arguments that sometimes turn into bigger fights. Mark sometimes is patient and understanding but sometimes is an asshole (which is understandable)
We both love each other very much, and have this great connection. We enjoy spending time together as long as we're not fighting, and recently the arguments have been almost every day.
I don't feel like me needs are being met fully. I want to see him a lot of the time. We don't live together, and I don't drive, so It's up to him. I give him gas money and the finances are not an issue, its all 50/50. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay.
He is busy with school and responsibilities, and I have more free time. I try to understand, but the BPD makes me over think things, and I get worried that we will grow apart if we don't see each other as often.
He's 26 and I'm 19. We're both in college right now (started last September when we started dating)
My dillema is whether or not to stay with him.
I've thought about the pros and cons, and here they are:
Pros: We love each other, love spending time together, have similar interests, laugh together, are silly together, we care about each other, he's done so much to make sure I'm okay, he is really supportive and talks about the future (which makes me feel good because I see a future with him too)
Theres no other way to put it, but that he deals with my BPD. For most people, they wouldn't have been gone a long time ago, but he truly loves me and wants to see me better and wants to be there when I am better.
The cons are: We argue and fight (which everyone does, but not every day) Most of the arguments are from my insecurities, so If I can get over that, we wouldn't argue.
Sometimes I feel like he's staying with me for the wrong reasons (His first dad committed suicide and it feels like he is with me because he doesn't want me to do the same if he breaks up with me. I've asked him about it and he said thats not the reason, but my gut feeling, is that it is partially a reason.
I have to compromise on the sex. At first it wasn't an issue, but recently I have been wanting to top more, and I brought it up a few months ago and he said we can try it but when he initiated it. He's just not comfortable with bums, because he doesn't get turned on with rimming either.
He's been away this week and we haven't talked as much. I've been so lonely and I know I shouldn't rely on him for my happiness, but thats part of BPD and I've been trying to do other things for myself.
I'm just not sure if its worth the effort to keep working on things because he's been pushed away from me from all the fighting (understandably so)
I don't want to be without out, but I know after a few weeks of being broken up I will be fine. I love being single (just like I like being in a relationship), so i'm not staying with him because I don't want to be alone.
From an outside perspective what do you think? I know a lot of people will probably say leave, because there are too many problems, but a know all relationships require work, and I am willing to work on things as long as he is.
Maybe someone else can provide another perspective or way of looking at things.
Thanks!
I've been dating Mark (let's just call him that) for almost 8 months. Things started out well and for the first two months we didn't fight or argue, after that we continuously did, and still do.
Now I know what you're thinking- fighting that much? Get out! Well it's a little more complicated than that because I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) About 5 months a go I started going to see a counsellor and a month ago, I started seeing a psychologist.
A little about people with BPD- they have a fear of abandonment, think their partners are either the best or the worst, mood swings all the time, they have trust issues. Those are just a few things. They are also very creative and passionate people, and really want to be good people like anyone else. That's what I was given in life to deal with it- and I have been trying my best.
So the relationship- I know I get upset at little things that Mark does, that I shouldn't, and some of the time I stop myself, but other times I can't control it, at least I don't feel like I can in the moment. Most of the time I create stupid little arguments that sometimes turn into bigger fights. Mark sometimes is patient and understanding but sometimes is an asshole (which is understandable)
We both love each other very much, and have this great connection. We enjoy spending time together as long as we're not fighting, and recently the arguments have been almost every day.
I don't feel like me needs are being met fully. I want to see him a lot of the time. We don't live together, and I don't drive, so It's up to him. I give him gas money and the finances are not an issue, its all 50/50. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay.
He is busy with school and responsibilities, and I have more free time. I try to understand, but the BPD makes me over think things, and I get worried that we will grow apart if we don't see each other as often.
He's 26 and I'm 19. We're both in college right now (started last September when we started dating)
My dillema is whether or not to stay with him.
I've thought about the pros and cons, and here they are:
Pros: We love each other, love spending time together, have similar interests, laugh together, are silly together, we care about each other, he's done so much to make sure I'm okay, he is really supportive and talks about the future (which makes me feel good because I see a future with him too)
Theres no other way to put it, but that he deals with my BPD. For most people, they wouldn't have been gone a long time ago, but he truly loves me and wants to see me better and wants to be there when I am better.
The cons are: We argue and fight (which everyone does, but not every day) Most of the arguments are from my insecurities, so If I can get over that, we wouldn't argue.
Sometimes I feel like he's staying with me for the wrong reasons (His first dad committed suicide and it feels like he is with me because he doesn't want me to do the same if he breaks up with me. I've asked him about it and he said thats not the reason, but my gut feeling, is that it is partially a reason.
I have to compromise on the sex. At first it wasn't an issue, but recently I have been wanting to top more, and I brought it up a few months ago and he said we can try it but when he initiated it. He's just not comfortable with bums, because he doesn't get turned on with rimming either.
He's been away this week and we haven't talked as much. I've been so lonely and I know I shouldn't rely on him for my happiness, but thats part of BPD and I've been trying to do other things for myself.
I'm just not sure if its worth the effort to keep working on things because he's been pushed away from me from all the fighting (understandably so)
I don't want to be without out, but I know after a few weeks of being broken up I will be fine. I love being single (just like I like being in a relationship), so i'm not staying with him because I don't want to be alone.
From an outside perspective what do you think? I know a lot of people will probably say leave, because there are too many problems, but a know all relationships require work, and I am willing to work on things as long as he is.
Maybe someone else can provide another perspective or way of looking at things.
Thanks!
