on the gay side of bi

[subobj]

Over the past few years, I've finally admitted to myself that I'm not exclusive gay and that I have a real interest in women. It's not as strong as my interest in men, but it's definitely there and it isn't going away.

Which is fine with me -- except that I feel like I'm the only one out there. Most self-described bi guys seem to be either right in the middle or more straight than gay.

So are there any others like me? And if so, how on earth does one go about exploring this side of oneself?

 

[Yngbldhwk]

Subobj: You are not alone. I'm a Kinsey 4.8 or a Klein 4.5, depending on what scale is used; to be sure, leaning more towards gay but not exclusively so. As you noted, it does seem as if the majority of bi men are on the other side of the spectrum, yet it stands to reason that if there's plenty of them, there must also be plenty of us.

Perhaps it's just easier for people to see themselves as an absolute -- either totally straight or totally gay. Absolute thinking is sometimes an appropriate outlook, but probably not when applied to people and their attractions and emotions.

There is some truth to the concept of sexual fluidity. It may not apply to everyone, it may not be something quantifiable, but it definitely occurs.

In my own case I was a total Kinsey 6 for most of my youth and during my college years. Ironically, there were a lot of women in college that dropped hints (some subtle and some very blatant) that they wanted to sleep with me. Unfortunately, at that time I only responded to men. Now the attraction is there, but I know almost no women, with most of my friends being other gay men.

 

[Gomaki]

Actually yeah, I'm like BeardedWoof. It seems that I go through stages where it changes. Either I have "all gay days", "about equal days", or "mostly gay days, with some pussy on the side for flavor". I actually don't have "all straight days", though.

Mainly though, I lean towards guys more, with a little room for women. However, this makes looking for relationships somehow awkward. :S

 

[Homer0626]

Dude, I'm 18 and I have the same issues although I'm cumming 2 terms with the fact that I only like women 4 the fact that they r easier 2 talk 2 and not really 4 anything sexual. I lust 4 men but when it comes 2 having a hardcore conversation with them about relationships it is much easier 2 keep it simple and ask a woman. I do, however, have moments when I check out a really hot girl but that is it. I don't pop 1 or lust over her but somehow she gives me butterflies like the kind I get when I meet a hot guy. In other words, I think I'm fully gay with a simple curiosity 4 women. I hope I helped U.

 

[subobj]

Many thanks, all. I'm relieved to see that this question got some responses -- for awhile, I thought "Oh no, I AM the only one!"

BeardedWoof, I go through phases too, though I never seem to hit the 50/50 point. I have noticed, though, that as I've gotten older and more used to the idea of being bi, I check out women much more frequently in general, even when I'm in a nearly 100% gay phase. It's caught me by surprise more than a few times -- nothing but men will have been on mind for awhile, when all of a sudden I'll notice myself checking out a woman, and I think "oh, I'm kinda bi, aren't I?" I guess the difference between this and a more bi phase is that when I'm in a bi phase, I'll actively fantasize about women.

You're in an open relationship (based on your profile info) have you tried casually dating women? Or tried a friends with benefits relationship if you're not into one night stands/NSA sex with random strangers?

This is exactly what I'd like to find! But how? Should I try craigslist or personals sites? Are there really women out there who would interested in a "benefits" friendship or NSA fling with a mostly gay guy? I can't help feeling my chances are pretty slim . . .

 

[XLeatherX]

It took me along time to accept the fact that I'm even gay, more attracted to men than women, but I can perfectly understand where you're coming from. I'm perfectly capable of being romantically and emotionally attracted to a woman and have been. I was married briefly before my boyfriend now and I was very much in love with her. Sex was good, but wasn't great. If it weren't for a car accident that cut her life short, I would still be married to her today. Although I love my boyfriend, I'm still very much in love with my former wife and will always be.

There is much about women that I do find very attractive, but when I'm truly honest with myself I know that it is only a man that can sexually gratify me completely. This is one reason I don't always like the terms and/or names given by society when it comes to defining ones sexual identity. I personally believe we are far more complex creatures than the general terms of being gay, bisexual, or even straight IMHO. I'm in love with a man and I like having sex with him, so if that makes me gay then so be it. That way I keep it simple!

I'd consider you to be bisexual since you're still sexually and romantically attracted to women.

Now me, I've had sex with one woman and it wasn't my thing at all and it just confirmed to me that I'm homosexual.

I know lots of gay men treat bis like s__t (based on posts I've seen here on JUB) so is that why you don't call yourself bi? Or do you really wish that you were fully homosexual like me, but you're not really?

I know lots of people do lie to themselves about their sexuality and they say that they're str8/gay when they're really bi and neither gay or straight.

If you're against labels why use any of them at all or even consider yourself to be gay since it's the most limiting label there is? Myself and many others (sex researchers and other people here) wouldn't classify you as being gay/homosexual based on what you wrote about yourself.

 

[XLeatherX]

Well, this is the way I look at it. I'm in a committed relationship with a man, which dramatically decreases my odds of ever having sex with a woman again. I love my boyfriend and frankly he's the best sex I've ever had, not to mention that he's the only man I've ever been with too. I only had sex with women before my relationship with Eric as well. If I wanted to have sex with a woman I'm perfectly capable of being aroused by her, but it's my current relationship that negates that from every happening at this point. If I had to rate myself on the Kinsey scale, I would give myself a 4 (Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual.) I guess that could technically make me bisexual if you like, but like I said earlier being gay just keeps it simple for me!

OK, all this says to me is that you're really bisexual but you're ashamed of your true sexuality and you really just wish that you were gay/homosexual since you're partnered to a fully homosexual man, but you're not homosexual or gay since you like both genders and are sexually and emotionally attracted to them.

You don't seem to realize that even if you NEVER have sex with a woman, man, or anyone else again that you're still bisexual since you're sexually and emotionally attracted to women and men.

If you were really gay or homosexual you wouldn't be attracted to women sexually at all and you still wouldn't be sexually attracted to women even after entering into a relationship with a guy.

You're taking the easy way out by calling yourself homosexual/gay when you're not. If you were really comfortable in your own skin, comfortable with your own sexuality, and actually liked yourself you'd call yourself bisexual since that's what you are.

I have friends who would be a 4 on the Kinsey scale and even friends who are from 1-5 on the Kinsey scale and they all call themselves bisexual since that's what the scale represents. On the Kinsey scale 0=heterosexual and 6=homosexual, everything else in between 1-5=bisexual.

 

[TysonB]

I'm the same way as well....im just about on 60/40 more with on the men side.