QuietChivalry
Porn Star
To the Fateful:
This was my classification/division paper I did for one of my English classes. Not really anything special, but I have a certain affinity for it.
It's probably because of the massive degree of bitterness in it.
I have been to the godforsaken vastness of the bush. I have hacked my way through the swarms of parasites that threaten to invade the sanctity of the soul. I have battled ghoulish silhouettes, doomed in their infinite darkness. I have seen wretched fiends rip and wrench at festering scraps of nourishment, filling their bellies with blackened bile. I have heard the piercing echoes of screams, over and over in my head, playing like a record shattered long ago in a funky-fresh past. Yet throughout all of this madness—dare I save it some dignity and call it a name—I have managed to remain a wallflower in this desecrated system of atrocity. It is only through fanatical self-sacrifice and perseverance that I am able to recount to you all I have seen, the secrets I have learned. Once read, it will be safe to assume that I have passed from this world, finally rid of these hideous memories locked up in my skull. Do not then, mourn for my bones, but hope for the future. Pray for all the other unsuspecting honor students out there, and tell them that beneath the 4.0 they viciously pursue lies a lifetime of ghastly desolation and monstrosity. It is here where my humble observations begin.
I have observed that there are three distinct species of honor students currently existing in the depths of the academic jungle. For clarification I have bestowed upon them names which make classification for study a tremendously easier task. I will begin with the species Achievius Maximus, roughly translated as the“overachiever-whom-everyone-hates-having-in-class-because-they-make-everyone-look-stupid” honor student. Curiously enough, this species of honor student is very easily identifiable, aiding greatly to the pursuit of available information and research. Achievius Maximus is the type of animal that does much more work than is required of them. They read chapters and chapters ahead. They study for endless hours throughout the night. They obtain obscure and often times difficult outside knowledge—and present it to the class, much to the displeasure of their fellow creatures. Following its discovery, Achievius Maximus rapidly gains notoriety for being the curve-breaker—that is, Maximus takes the shiny polish off a decent “B” average, masking the marking as a sign of incompetence. Because of their scrawny and feeble appearance, Achievius Maximus usually falls prey to the eyes of bigger, stronger, and more jealous predators. These honor students possess a spectacular defense mechanism should they encounter danger: singled out in a fight, this student begins to rapidly emit high pitched verbal attacks, creating an esoteric barrier of theories and facts that briefly stuns the predator while Maximus moves in for the kill: a one-lined, labyrinthine insult laced with intoxicating fumes of degradation. This attack accomplishes two things simultaneously: one, making a fool out of the predator in front of his pack, and two, leaving the predator feeling inferior, wondering what the blazes Maximus said about him in the first place. Although Achievius Maximus is a rare breed in the world of honor students, conservation biologists need not hearken to ensure the continuation of the species but instead look for more productive ways to occupy their time.
The second type of honor student that I have observed is the Smarticus Partius, roughly translated as the “My-IQ-is-up-the-roof-but-I’d-rather-be-partying” honor student. Curiously, this creature seems to possess an inherent instinct to waste resources. This honor student is naturally gifted and talented, but harbors no apparent desire to utilize any of those assets in any combination. Biologists can easily identify Smarticus Partius by its carefree and laidback attitude, which it flaunts all too willingly. In communal gatherings of intellect, Partius will generally assume a glazed disposition, occasionally jumping in to talk about a wild excursion it had and how everything discussed somehow has to do with the effects of various herbs and beverages. Being unconventional is a big disadvantage for this species; due to its less-than-competitive nature, fellow honor students are usually quick to neglect and shun Smarticus Partius. Scientists know Partius's main defense mechanism as the apathetic shuffle: when confronted with a problem too difficult or too involved, Partius will exhale a profane cry and give up on the task at hand, instead choosing a more desirable activity, usually involving the aforementioned herbs and/or beverages. Smarticus Partius is a more common species of honor student, and biologists are making great leaps in the field everyday to ensure optimal survival of the species. Unfortunately for the dedicated researchers, Smarticus Partius really doesn’t care that much.
The last group of honor student that I will attempt to introduce is also the most numerous. I have affectionately named them Intellicus Normalis, or the “I’m-pretty-smart…but-people-actually-like-me” honor student. This type of honor student is very difficult to identify, as they exhibit characteristics of many other kingdoms. In the past, researchers have even expanded the Intellicus Normalis as a catch-all phylum—until taxonomic collections grew so massive that even the most seasoned collectors classified abnormal classes and orders under Normalis, an obviously awkward situation; but I digress.
Intellicus Normalis’ wonder lies in the fact that nothing about them is interesting at all. Under normal circumstances, they’re just that—normal. For years now, researchers have come to the conclusion that this species was the genetically defunct “midline” of the kingdom. Because of their relative lack of specialization, these honor students suffer from the social stigma of not really being well-known. However, it is apparent that these seemingly insignificant creatures hold their own in the survival of the fittest.
New studies have shown that Intellicus Normalis are responsible for the bulk of the work accomplished by any individual pack. They are quick-thinking, charismatic, and great at solving problems. However, what sets them apart from the other species of honor student is that they also exhibit a certain agreeable temperament the majority of the time. These honor students have managed to develop both sides of their brains (in this case, both the social and intellectual hemispheres).They have no use for status-enhancing herbs or beverages, instead opting for the more natural nourishments provided to them by their environment. Intellicus Normalis also knows how to complete any given task with relative efficiency, neither wasting resources nor expending excess amounts. Based on these observations, perhaps it is more accurate to say that Intellicus Normalis is the most complexly evolved of the entire honor student kingdom. They have learned that paradoxically, success lies neither at the top nor at the bottom but instead in the lucrative balance of the two.
The sun is setting, the jackals are howling, and the heartbeat quickens; I know my time draws near. I do not know if this experience was all that I had hoped it to be—exploring these uncharted terrains certainly has been an experience, but I wonder as to whether I’d rather be back home, happily oblivious to all the war and vicious politics of the reclusive honor student. I have learned one thing, however: I’m sure my fellow competitors will be pleased to hear that my life’s main purpose is no longer the single pursuit of being the president of this company, nor is it the hopeless abandonment of all that I could be. My life’s purpose should have been the maintenance of the desperate balance of work and play, which I have realized all too late. I do not know whether the great heavenly skies can forgive me for such a petty mistake. I do hope, however, that by passing on this knowledge to anyone that is unlucky enough to find it, my story will not be lost. Let the finder of this parchment be the sole bearer of truth in a world lost in competition and brutal, worthless merit. Prometheus, let the people know that nothing in this world worth having comes easy. Let them know that the ancients have passed the secrets of this world down in ways that we can barely imagine…yet here, in the dark valleys of wildness I have discovered the truth.
“Try not to become a man of success but instead a man of value.”
-Albert Einstein
The sun is setting. I’m going now.
I have observed that there are three distinct species of honor students currently existing in the depths of the academic jungle. For clarification I have bestowed upon them names which make classification for study a tremendously easier task. I will begin with the species Achievius Maximus, roughly translated as the“overachiever-whom-everyone-hates-having-in-class-because-they-make-everyone-look-stupid” honor student. Curiously enough, this species of honor student is very easily identifiable, aiding greatly to the pursuit of available information and research. Achievius Maximus is the type of animal that does much more work than is required of them. They read chapters and chapters ahead. They study for endless hours throughout the night. They obtain obscure and often times difficult outside knowledge—and present it to the class, much to the displeasure of their fellow creatures. Following its discovery, Achievius Maximus rapidly gains notoriety for being the curve-breaker—that is, Maximus takes the shiny polish off a decent “B” average, masking the marking as a sign of incompetence. Because of their scrawny and feeble appearance, Achievius Maximus usually falls prey to the eyes of bigger, stronger, and more jealous predators. These honor students possess a spectacular defense mechanism should they encounter danger: singled out in a fight, this student begins to rapidly emit high pitched verbal attacks, creating an esoteric barrier of theories and facts that briefly stuns the predator while Maximus moves in for the kill: a one-lined, labyrinthine insult laced with intoxicating fumes of degradation. This attack accomplishes two things simultaneously: one, making a fool out of the predator in front of his pack, and two, leaving the predator feeling inferior, wondering what the blazes Maximus said about him in the first place. Although Achievius Maximus is a rare breed in the world of honor students, conservation biologists need not hearken to ensure the continuation of the species but instead look for more productive ways to occupy their time.
The second type of honor student that I have observed is the Smarticus Partius, roughly translated as the “My-IQ-is-up-the-roof-but-I’d-rather-be-partying” honor student. Curiously, this creature seems to possess an inherent instinct to waste resources. This honor student is naturally gifted and talented, but harbors no apparent desire to utilize any of those assets in any combination. Biologists can easily identify Smarticus Partius by its carefree and laidback attitude, which it flaunts all too willingly. In communal gatherings of intellect, Partius will generally assume a glazed disposition, occasionally jumping in to talk about a wild excursion it had and how everything discussed somehow has to do with the effects of various herbs and beverages. Being unconventional is a big disadvantage for this species; due to its less-than-competitive nature, fellow honor students are usually quick to neglect and shun Smarticus Partius. Scientists know Partius's main defense mechanism as the apathetic shuffle: when confronted with a problem too difficult or too involved, Partius will exhale a profane cry and give up on the task at hand, instead choosing a more desirable activity, usually involving the aforementioned herbs and/or beverages. Smarticus Partius is a more common species of honor student, and biologists are making great leaps in the field everyday to ensure optimal survival of the species. Unfortunately for the dedicated researchers, Smarticus Partius really doesn’t care that much.
The last group of honor student that I will attempt to introduce is also the most numerous. I have affectionately named them Intellicus Normalis, or the “I’m-pretty-smart…but-people-actually-like-me” honor student. This type of honor student is very difficult to identify, as they exhibit characteristics of many other kingdoms. In the past, researchers have even expanded the Intellicus Normalis as a catch-all phylum—until taxonomic collections grew so massive that even the most seasoned collectors classified abnormal classes and orders under Normalis, an obviously awkward situation; but I digress.
Intellicus Normalis’ wonder lies in the fact that nothing about them is interesting at all. Under normal circumstances, they’re just that—normal. For years now, researchers have come to the conclusion that this species was the genetically defunct “midline” of the kingdom. Because of their relative lack of specialization, these honor students suffer from the social stigma of not really being well-known. However, it is apparent that these seemingly insignificant creatures hold their own in the survival of the fittest.
New studies have shown that Intellicus Normalis are responsible for the bulk of the work accomplished by any individual pack. They are quick-thinking, charismatic, and great at solving problems. However, what sets them apart from the other species of honor student is that they also exhibit a certain agreeable temperament the majority of the time. These honor students have managed to develop both sides of their brains (in this case, both the social and intellectual hemispheres).They have no use for status-enhancing herbs or beverages, instead opting for the more natural nourishments provided to them by their environment. Intellicus Normalis also knows how to complete any given task with relative efficiency, neither wasting resources nor expending excess amounts. Based on these observations, perhaps it is more accurate to say that Intellicus Normalis is the most complexly evolved of the entire honor student kingdom. They have learned that paradoxically, success lies neither at the top nor at the bottom but instead in the lucrative balance of the two.
The sun is setting, the jackals are howling, and the heartbeat quickens; I know my time draws near. I do not know if this experience was all that I had hoped it to be—exploring these uncharted terrains certainly has been an experience, but I wonder as to whether I’d rather be back home, happily oblivious to all the war and vicious politics of the reclusive honor student. I have learned one thing, however: I’m sure my fellow competitors will be pleased to hear that my life’s main purpose is no longer the single pursuit of being the president of this company, nor is it the hopeless abandonment of all that I could be. My life’s purpose should have been the maintenance of the desperate balance of work and play, which I have realized all too late. I do not know whether the great heavenly skies can forgive me for such a petty mistake. I do hope, however, that by passing on this knowledge to anyone that is unlucky enough to find it, my story will not be lost. Let the finder of this parchment be the sole bearer of truth in a world lost in competition and brutal, worthless merit. Prometheus, let the people know that nothing in this world worth having comes easy. Let them know that the ancients have passed the secrets of this world down in ways that we can barely imagine…yet here, in the dark valleys of wildness I have discovered the truth.
“Try not to become a man of success but instead a man of value.”
-Albert Einstein
The sun is setting. I’m going now.
.:.=====.:.
This was my classification/division paper I did for one of my English classes. Not really anything special, but I have a certain affinity for it.
It's probably because of the massive degree of bitterness in it.