Once more at Christmas

[Kulindahr]

A post in a HT thread triggered the memory of three Christmases back, my first Christmas out, when I called ahead to my mom's to see if things were kool, and she said come on over -- and when I got to the house, I didn't even have my coat off before my siblings and families were walking out, and my older brother got into a yelling contest with my mom.

"You destroyed this family!" was what he yelled at me when I tried to intervene.


Will Christmas always haunt me? I've been feeling that I've been out a while, now, but suddenly it seems like just yesterday, losing friends and family.

 

[sixthson]

Sorry, Kulindahr, that is has to be this way for you and especially at Christmas. It seems that family has the ability to hurt us like no others. I hope you have good friends around you to ease the pain abit.

 

[KaraBulut]

"Homophobia destroyed this family"

Of course, if all it takes is for one person to be gay to destroy a family, then it was on pretty shaky ground to begin with.

Well, that's the past. What is your family like now?

 

[G-Lexington]

You destroyed the family? How could you have NOT destroyed the family? By being straight? By pretending to be straight, so that other people's delicate sensibilities aren't offended?

Christmas IS often a time for family. But if you don't have a family you can be part of, then you go out and create your own, out of good friends. Because family is as family does.

Lex

 

[Lube]

That's how my family would've been if I came out 25 years ago. Luckily for me, I came out 2 years ago--but was fully prepared for what you went through (thanks to advice from JUBbers).

As others have said, you didn't destroy anything; your brother/family did it. You have to wonder what he's hiding for him to try to pin so much on you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Christmas IS often a time for family. But if you don't have a family you can be part of, then you go out and create your own, out of good friends. Because family is as family does.

Lex

^^^QFT....

 

[Kulindahr]

"Homophobia destroyed this family"

Of course, if all it takes is for one person to be gay to destroy a family, then it was on pretty shaky ground to begin with.

Well, that's the past. What is your family like now?

Thanks, guys.

The real irony is that my older brother's best man at his wedding was gay.

He's found reasons to look down on me pretty constantly since about fifth grade; up until this it's been that I'm not a "success", i.e. I'm not making over $100k/yr, living in a $250k+ house, etc.


Now... since my dad died a year ago, my mom has more or less been all the family I have. I still can't set foot in my sister's house, or even be in the house when my younger brother's family comes by (though my brother will hug me and all out on the sidewalk). My older brother doesn't talk to me except when our mom is part of it.

I'm committed to helping her get this house ready for sale, and then it's out of redneck territory and off to somewhere I can get away with wearing a rainbow hex-nut choker, flying a Human Rights Campaign flag from my truck, and hitting on guys without fear of becoming another Matt Shepard.

 

[Eagle653]

Thanks for the update. I remember that awful Christmas of yours because I think it happened either shortly before, or after, you joined.

You seem to have reconciled with it, and I'm glad of that, even though it's still far from ideal.

Good luck with your plans and goals. It's made my day to hear your (really healthy) plans.

I hope your holidays are better than expected!

 

[Kulindahr]

Thanks for the update. I remember that awful Christmas of yours because I think it happened either shortly before, or after, you joined.

You seem to have reconciled with it, and I'm glad of that, even though it's still far from ideal.

Good luck with your plans and goals. It's made my day to hear your (really healthy) plans.

I hope your holidays are better than expected!

Tanks.

I'm trying to find the biggest chunk of wood I can get in the fireplace, so I can have my own Yule log, and drink spiked egg nog while watching Christmas movies.

"Reconciled"... I guess, kind of. I just take Finagle's Law seriously: the perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum (Murphy's Law is just a subset of Finagle's).

 

[Kulindahr]

Americans and Christmas are just so bizarre to me. My god there is so much pressure to have a "TV perfect" family around Christmas it's puke-a-riffic. It's TV, it's not real, there is no "perfect" family. The only reason you feel guilty is because of advertisers (like me) trying to make you feel a certain way so you just buy shit to make Christmas this "perfect" holiday, that is impossible to achieve.

Just let it go. The shame, guilt, and emotional blackmail that comes with Christmas is the biggest scam job on Earth. Start going on vacation somewhere south of the equator for Christmas. It will give you a chance to see how the rest of the world really does Christmas and get you into some warm sunshine.

Not to be too blunt about the whole dealio but seriously, you're getting sold on a bunch of b.s. Pick yourself up, hold your head high, and forget what the masses think.

"Perfect family"? I just want one that treats me like a human being.

I don't think there's any guilt involved here. Anger, yes; loneliness, most certainly.

Vacation? I used to know what that was....
Nice idea, but I'm not certain I'm going to be able to afford a place to live, even, in the coming year or two.

 

[KaraBulut]

There was another thread recently where the poster was frustrated that his brother did not accept him when he came out.

As harsh as it may sound, there's no requirement that you like or maintain a close friendship with your siblings. While your parents are alive, it makes sense to try to be civil and get along but beyond that narrow requirement, sometimes it's just not worth the time or effort.

It sounds like your mother has been accepting of your sexuality. If your siblings are treating you poorly, you have to ask yourself whether they are people that you want to have in your life. From the information that you have provided, they sound like turds.

So, while you should be civil with them out of respect for your mother, I wouldn't waste anymore time or effort trying to be something that you're never going to be. In the end, they're they ones who are loosing something, not you.