One night stand... awful...

[confusedboy23]

I only look for one night stand when I feel desperate about loneliness... I think what I am really expecting for is love, but I am always doing the wrong way.

Great start! You've realised you are doing it the wrong way so don't dwell on the past. You cannot change history, but you can change the future! Guilt can be a good thing if it makes us a better person. Good luck!

 

[Croynan]

removed/eM

 

[sweet_taboo]

I've had more than a few one night stands, and I enjoyed every single one of them. Oddly enough, I've had several one nighters that evolved into two/three night stands and even casual dating hookups.

 

[goodlyric]

I know it is joyful that time, but after that, I always feel fucking empty. Sick!

 

[dolphwasser]

I don't... as long as both guys have the same expectations going in. Hook-ups can be a lot of fun.
If you're looking for a boyfriend or true love though, I can see why a one-night stand might leave you with a hollow feeling.

...or if you HAVE a boyfriend or true love, then I can see why it may have this effect, too.

 

[ronboy]

Since Dave and I got together 11 years ago, I haven't had any one night stands.

As I remember, Some of them were great, and lead to future dates. Some of them went like...I'd wake up the next morning, and wonder what I could have been thinking when I look over at the guy I was with.....

 

[Joshua_me]

Well, I've never felt 'guilt' about one.

But, more like 'that was a really stupid thing to do' in the sober light of day.

It depends.

I've only had maybe a dozen or so over the years, a couple *incredible*,
a couple incredibly bad.

But either way, to take some guy you don't know back to your house at 3am
is not the smartest thing to do. I mean, you don't know what's up in this guys mind, and now he knows where you live and all. It's 'cause you're horny and
fucked up and not thinking clearly. We've all been there.

...And then there's the part that includes seeing yer Dr. as soon as possible because you weren't as careful as you should have been.

It's bad news.

I don't recommend it.

It's some of the most fun I've ever had.

Roll the dice, what can I say ?

 

[Joshua_me]

Threads that go *bump* in the night.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I have had 100s of those over the years. I have also enjoyed most of them.

Nope. I was neither drunk, nor unaccountable for my actions. I knew what I was doing and I had every intention of doing it. I have never regretted them, felt guilty about them or anything of the kind. I have purely enjoyed my ONS.

There is absolutely no point in going out for a nite of sex only to wake up the next day with feelings of guilt, regret or even remorse. If you choose to go out and if you are a man enough to get involved with other dudes for some recreational sex, be a man enough not to sweat it later on.

Keep in mind: 'Regrets are useless, once the deed is done.'

ONS are not for everybody. If they do not work for you, do not do them. But try to avoid the unusually boring guilt trip afterwards.

Yup, most guys do not hope to meet the love of their lives while cruising the backroom of a popular gay bar. IMHO, this is nothing but a denial that we are all pretty sexual and that many gay men frequent such places and have ONS. Say, you are there, for all the obvious reasons. You also view yourself as a BF material. How about the others there? Nope. They are some sort of sex freaks and they are into multiple partners and anonymous sex. So, they can't be the right BF material. But you are the one. Rite? There is little point in applying double standards here.

ONS are a reality for a vast number of gay men. We may also grow up and accept this fact of life.

I have met a few great guys in the bars and spas. The ONS was only the beginning. I have learned to keep my eyes and my mind open and not discredit the people, who were on the same boat as myself.

SC

 

[ambiguity]

I don't think I'd ever be able to do the whole one-night-stand thing. Definitely not my style.

 

[DaveyH]

If you are both doin the deed, then there should be no guilt. Nobody ever put a gun to my head when I had ONS. Both guys should be clear and not lead the other on in any way, because that does suck.

 

[slobone]

Yeah, you're going about it wrong. One night stands are not about love. You're just preparing yourself to be heartbroken.

Don't do one night stands if you're looking for love.

It's only a "one night stand" if you never see each other again. If you both enjoyed the experience, and you want to repeat it, then you there's no reason not to. And I don't see why that can't lead to love.

In fact, I'm a little confused about how else you expect to fall in love. It always starts with sex. I suppose you could ask for the guy's hand in marriage before going "all the way", but I mean really...

 

[Joshua_me]

Ahh, to quote my Stevie:

"The loneliness of a one night stand is hard to take,
But we all need somethin', and maybe this is a dream."

I kinda know what she's singing about, there. It's not about
'guilt', but more about how empty it can leave you feeling inside.
(Pardon the pun)

I've been there myself...Sitting in that empty room where just hours ago
there seemed to be so much 'affection', real or imagined.

Yeah, we were both 'into it' and looking just to get off, but lust and
actual emotional involvement can seem tightly interwoven at times. We
all know how to be 'careful' sex wise, but sometimes it's the heart that
is need of the most protection of all.

< Today's 'Joshy's sappy response' was brought to you by the good folks
at Kraft, makers of more cheese products than we could ever need>

 

[slobone]

^Yes...true but...you do not always fall for each other after that one nite,...than you have a 1 night stand. Sex had after so many dats is not considered a one nighter either...So just do not have sex the first or even the second date...After all get to knoe the person first for GOD sakes...

Usually after I get to know them I don't want them any more. Ugh... I'd rather keep it anonymous and preserve the fantasy. I mean, if a guy looks like a cowboy, he must be a cowboy, right? As long as he doesn't start talking, I'm fine.

 

[Lube]

If you are both doin the deed, then there should be no guilt. Nobody ever put a gun to my head when I had ONS. Both guys should be clear and not lead the other on in any way, because that does suck.

Very well put, Davey!

 

[Lube]

It's only a "one night stand" if you never see each other again. If you both enjoyed the experience, and you want to repeat it, then you there's no reason not to. And I don't see why that can't lead to love.

In fact, I'm a little confused about how else you expect to fall in love. It always starts with sex. I suppose you could ask for the guy's hand in marriage before going "all the way", but I mean really...

Not sure where you're going with this, slobone.

As Davey just said, an ONS is meetup where it's agreed upon in advance (spoken or not) that it's just about sex. An ONS is not a date. A date is about getting to know someone; it could lead to sex, but there are "preliminaries" in a date that don't occur in an ONS.

I think ONSes have their place. They're not for everyone, nor are they necessarily a permanent state--look at RonBoy. Or me.

 

[slobone]

Not sure where you're going with this, slobone.

As Davey just said, an ONS is meetup where it's agreed upon in advance (spoken or not) that it's just about sex. An ONS is not a date. A date is about getting to know someone; it could lead to sex, but there are "preliminaries" in a date that don't occur in an ONS.

I think ONSes have their place. They're not for everyone, nor are they necessarily a permanent state--look at RonBoy. Or me.

I think there's a terminological issue here, which isn't all that crucial. But are there really people who say, "No matter what happens, this is the only time we'll have sex"? Maybe if it's somebody you meet in a video arcade, but if you actually go home together, it seems to me you're at least open to the possibility of seeing each other again. That's why I said you can't call it a one night stand in advance.

But I had a larger point, which is this:

It used to be that gay men would have sex first and get to know each other afterwards. The word "date" was not in use.

For example, I went to an orgy one time where I had sex with several guys. I really hit it off with one of them in particular, and I got his name before I went home. The next day I looked him up in the phone book and gave him a call.

We got together again, and next thing you know, we were living together for seven years. Then he dumped me for somebody he met in a bar while I was out of town, and they've been together ever since. Still no "dates" in this story, you'll notice.

Now I'm willing to concede that things may be different today. But I'm a bit shocked by some of the language I come across on JUB.

People have been talking about "saving my virginity for the right guy", "not having sex with someone unless I'm in a committed relationship," etc., and those are pretty close to exact quotes. I haven't heard "I want to know he'll respect me in the morning before I go all the way," but I'm sure that's coming.

In other words, it all sounds like dialogue out of a 50's sex-education film.

I think a lot of guys who are just coming out are timid about sex, and I understand that. Also, they're not really exposed to the realities of gay sex while they're growing up -- all their ideas are from romantic TV shows about straight couples. I just don't think that's a very realistic model for most gay relationships.

Somehow I have the impression that there are still lots and lots of guys going out every weekend, picking somebody up, getting laid, and moving on. I haven't seen any decline in the number of gay bars, baths, cruising spots etc. -- if anything, an increase. (I guess there are fewer baths, but they seem to have been replaced by private sex clubs.) Plus now we have Internet hookups.

Some of those encounters will turn into serious affairs, or even lifelong relationships -- most won't. By the way, I'm not saying that most gay guys are naturally promiscuous -- I'm saying most guys are naturally promiscuous. The only reason straight men don't behave the same way is because women won't let them.

If gay men have found ways to meet and get to know each other without having sex, that's great -- I have no objection at all. I'm just tired of people on JUB who tut-tut whenever anybody even so much as suggests that there are other ways to have a gay sex life. It truly mystifies me, and I wonder if there might not be a little hypocrisy involved.

 

[MadeUpName27]

I've had my share of meaningless encounters.

I never felt "Guilty" the next day.

Hung-over, but never guilty...

 

[Lube]

^ That was a very, very interesting post, slobone.

6 months ago, 3 months ago, heck even 1 month ago I would've argued to the death about several points you made. However, as anyone can see from my recent blog postings, I'm realizing that things aren't always as they seem, and opinions that you might once have held deep in your soul are open to change over time.

The past two weeks have been particularly difficult yet enlightening for me.

About all I'm willing to commit to (in an argument) is "it depends". Are one night stands a good thing? It depends. Is romance good? It depends. It depends on your personality, it depends where you are in self-acceptance, it depends on the stage you are at in your life, it depends on your past experiences. It all depends.

There is one point I'd like to discuss further, though.

You talk about younger guys being timid about sex. Well, sure it could be due to them being young, it could be due to them being virgins (I was an "old" gay virgin until recently, and I was fairly timid).

But I wonder if it's more than just youth or inexperience. I wonder if "gays" (to lump a lot of very different people together) who are coming out now are different than the gays who came out 20, 30, 40 years ago. Or, if not different, then an additional segment of the population.

For example, contrary to what young people today may think, people who came out 30 years ago had to be extremely brave. It was much riskier back then. It's practically a walk in the park today (it's all relative).

The guys who came out 30 years ago were probably much more secure in their gayness, and were more aggressive about sex. Compare this to heteros: not all hetero guys want to do a different girl every night (sure a lot do, but not all, not by any stretch of the imagination). Very few "timid" guys came out 30 years ago because they couldn't handle the rejection from society.

Now if that "timid" segment of the gay population is more comfortable coming out now, then they be more like those hetero guys that "sound like the dialog out of a 50's sex-education film". In other words, there may be more "sensitive" gay guys coming out than there were 30 years ago. These guys may actually want emotion and romance and love more than just sex.

Isn't the need for love and romance a variable scale just as much as hetero/homosexuality is a variable scale? Why can't it be that "timid" (i.e., romantic) guys are more comfortable coming out now, so they're a different beast than the "typical" gay guy like yourself from 30 years ago?

 

[Yeehaw]

I think I've had "one night stand" fooling-around with guys from internet on a few occasions past few months without even realizing it. The guys acted like the nicest human being on earth, and when it's done it's really DONE, blocking you on msn, not returning emails, of course no phone calls... I've been trying to understand these gay men's mentality from a closeted guy's perspective, and I still don't see how one-time casual sex can make one feel good about himself even if he acts like a totall sweetheart to the other guy... and whats even worse about these few guys ive met is they did not make it clear and instead went as far as promising more hang-outs so I had good reasons to be led on. But hopefully it's never going to happen again.