Online | Long distance relationships

[texpatriot]

Okay, so about a month ago, this guy hits me up on Facebook to tell me that he saw my smile on a "Gay Dating" website, and that he couldn't live with himself if he didn't contact me.

After a few exhanges, and after he refused to "friend"me on Facebook, explains that he'd rather communicate via email.

We're getting to know each other via email, and he gives me his cellphone number.

I call his number which has an England prefix, becuase he did share with me that he's currently living with his sister outside of London (he shared with me the city, but for the sake of this explanation I won't share it), but that he was also born in Nigeria.

I explained to him early on that I really wasn't interested in an "online" relationship, because I've met "Russians" on Gay.com, that I've discovered win a man's heart and affections, and then suddenly out of no where they need some money; expenses for rent, prescriptions for a family member, they suddenly couldn't afford a trip to travel to meet the guy and needed some "extra" funds, or lost their passport, or whatever.

And once that money was sent, rarely to a physical address (which in some cases never existed), they never heard from them again.

Well, anyway, I shared my fears/concerns with this guy, even though he was giving me this sad story about his "Mum" back in Nigeria, and how he and his sister couldn't afford to take care of her.

I'm thinking to myself, 'If your Dad is from the U.K. (who he says passed when he was 15), then your Mum is still a citizen, and why are you there in England with your sister, while your Mum suffers from a fucked up health-care system in Nigeria?'

He says it's because his Mum wanted to be with her family, but after nearly 6 weeks, has mentioned not one member of his Mum's family. They would be his cousins, or Aunts and Uncles right?

So we've shared pics of each other, a lot exactly, and it turns out that I'm significantly older than him, and he thinks that I'm hot (which no one has ever disuputed...lol), and he explained early on why he likes older guys; 'they know what they want, and how to properly treat someone that they love,' and then....

When I call him, I can rarely reach him on the weekends, and when the call is dropped it's impossible to reach him after that.

I discovered that the prefix to his cellphone number aligns with the same prefix that those Nigeiran Email scammers use to provide contacts to "solicitors" in England.

Meaning that it's dubious routing number.

So I asked him, "What's up with your cellphone number?"

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I wanted to know if his cellphone number was the one that he had in Nigeria (while living with his Mum), and was now being routed to where he's living in England.

No response except how he's crazy about me, and loves me, and wants the two of us to plan a life together, while he plans on coming to the states and finishing his Master's Degree in Geology (While at the same time planning a life together, loving one another).

Just as soon as he and his sister liquidate his father's estate. (Which would now be 11 years after the fact.)

From the pictures that he's shared with me he's really a good looking guy.

On those rare occassions when we've been able to talk on the phone, I can hear in his voice that he's sincere.

Then a few days ago he sent me some semi-naked pictures of himself, and I was on the phone with him when I received them.

I'd take out a second mortgage for one night with that!

But I was already falling for the guy before he shared those pics, and now after not hearing from him via email for more than two days, and only getting to hear his voice for a few seconds this morning before the international call was "dropped," and dozens of attempts to call him back today, I wonder if I'm not just being played.

I shared with that the ultimate of cruelty was to play with another person's heart, regardless of the medium, and he agreed.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, or insecure or whatever.

If the exchanges that we've shared were based solely upon email exchanges, I wouldn't trust this for an instant.

But I have spoken with him, I've heard his voice, I can hear the sincerity in his words.

I would really like to hear any experiences that anyone out there might like to share and, whether based upon those experiences, this is something worth continueing.

I've lost as deeply as I've loved, and this guy (and according to what he's said), never thought that he would find this type of connection again.

Help!

 

[Richardodessa]

Sorry sounds like a scam. When something sounds too good to be true, it usually isn't.

 

[deserter85]

Have you even met the guy in person?

If you think it's shady, it probably is.

 

[texpatriot]

Have you even met the guy in person?

If you think it's shady, it probably is.

No, he says he wants to, but that's an ocean and miles away from happening at this point.

Even if he and his "sister" sale this Dad's property, I still can't help believe that something would come up to where I'd be encouraged to foot the bill for the rest of his trip here.

But that's what I'm saying. What if I'm wrong, and this guy is real?

 

[deserter85]

I think it's a scam. Sorry.

 

[josher]

All con artists look and sound "sincere." That's how they make their money.

Don't let your need for affection override what your common sense is telling you.

Cut him off right away.

 

[texpatriot]

Really?

He's never asked me for any money, and I've explained to him that even if he did, I couldn't/wouldn't just try to send money to someone that I barely know.

My exact expression was, "I never loan more money to family and friends, than I'm willing to live without, and right now I don't have any many that I can't currently live without."

He said that I was sweet for even considering it, and that he could never ask me to help out.

But yet he continues work on getting to know me, being my friend (which I have offered), and tells me that he longs to be with me.

I have no idea how many attempts that he makes to contact me, and when I think that he has internet access at his disposal, he tells me that he's emailing me from an internet cafe, or from his sisters blackberry.

I'll admit that I appreciate the distance. I don't think that I could ever let someone get this close to me.

It's like we're on the same page, I'm thinking what he's sharing, and then mirroring the same feelings back to him.

I'm thinking right now, if he's nothing more than a scam, he would have conceded at his first attempt to allow me to help with his Mum.

 

[deserter85]

I had a prior experience with a scammer before.

I didn't actually get scammed, but I kept in contact with the guy in hope that the authorities could do something about it. In the end the police said that they can't do anything about it as it is not a crime until I actually hand over my money to him and that the fact that the person was based in Hong Kong definitely didn't help. So I just told the person to f*ck off and leave me alone after that.

Basically, they'll keep circling around you until you tell them to f*ck off or just stop all contact with them completely.
And they don't pressure you outright for money. They'll try to cajole it out of you.

 

[Orlandude]

None of this adds up. The guy is half the world away from you and the chances of your ever meeting him in person are likely slim to none. Also, your expectations and what you believe to be going on are based on speculation and telephone calls, not real face to face experience. It sounds too much like what you want it to be rather than what it is. Finally, e-mail pictures guarantee nothing. Anyone can send a picture in e-mail and claim it is their picture. Even if they are his pictures, so what? I'm sure there are a lot of hot guys a lot closer to home.

I'm sorry. I would move away from this scene very quickly and not look back. I think he's a player.

 

[mega]

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

http://www.419eater.com/

http://www.scamwarners.com/


Your lad is textbook...

 

[giftart]

Its a scam. the Nigerian scam. It was on the news before.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance-fee_fraud

 

[blogthissucker]

The wikipedia article listed above (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance-fee_fraud) has a small subsection for "Romance Scam." Make sure you take a look at that.

I think your situation has a few of the key signs from the wikipedia article:

-approached on a dating website (yes it was facebook, but he said he first saw you on a dating site)
-guy posts attractive pictures (by itself this is innocent enough, but in combination with the other things it seems too good to be true)
-many likely avenues to ask for money: sick mother, travel to Nigeria, travel to meet you, etc etc.
-background promise of inheritance. Although it sounds like that hasn't been discussed much between you yet, he could be setting you up for a more classic "send me money for bribes so I can free up this inheritance and share it with you"

Keep in mind that even if this is a scam he might not actually ASK you for money. He might just bring up how sad it is that he doesn't have money for X, and how it's too bad that he doesn't have the same opportunities that you do in North America. It's pretty easy to manipulate people using guilt. I can't find the quote, but I think he said something about how he was glad that you were the kind of good friend who would help a buddy in need, or something? If you ask me, that sounds like he's buttering you up... if you think that he respects generous people, won't you be more likely to try and appear generous (say by offering him money)?

You also said: "It's like we're on the same page, I'm thinking what he's sharing, and then mirroring the same feelings back to him." It seems kind of foreboding that you mention "mirroring." Wouldn't that be the easiest way for a scammer to make you like him: to pretend to be just like you? Try paying attention to your conversations, and maybe go back through your emails. I'm worried that you might notice a pattern: you say "i like X" and he replies "me TOO! We are so perfect for each other!"

This guy probably isn't who he says he is. How's this for a test: think of the sex act you find most disgusting, and pretend you like it. (maybe water sports? s&m? MMF threesome?) Tell him it is the ONLY WAY you can get off and ask him if he's into it. If this guy really is the man of your dreams, his response will be honest and he will share your opinion: he will tell you that he thinks that sex act is disgusting. If he tells you "I LOVE THAT TOO, we're perfect for each other..." well then he could be a scammer, copying you in the hopes that you will fall for him, or just an honest guy who likes sex you find gross. Either way, you'll know he's not for you.

 

[texpatriot]

Wow, that's a lot to digest.

Thanks for the input guys.

I did as suggested, and went back to the very beginning, and reread every email, up to the last, checking the dates and times of each email.

I guess what tipped me off is that I good day went by went I didn't even get an email from him. I immediately took it as some form of rejection, and worried about why he didn't immediately respond back as he had done in the past.

Then bingo, and IM, and an email apologizing, and explaining that he got word that is Mum suffers from hypertension disorder, and collapsed back in Nigeria. He didn't have the money for her medications, or medical bills, and that he and his sister were scrambling for a way to come up with the money.

Rather than write him back, and since I had just gotten an IM from him I called him. This wasn't the first time we had spoken on the phone, and the few times before we had some pretty in depth conversations, about personal values, and the like.

When I reached him, he was in fact distraught over his situation, and it turned out that he and his sister did have some income, but it wouldn't be available at the end of the month. I encouraged him to call his Mum's doctor in Nigeria to work out some sort of a payment plan.

The emails continued, and nothing out of the ordinary came about. He reported that he and his sister were able to pay their Mum's medical bills, and that now the problem was making sure that she got her medications. Nothing more was discussed.

Early on in our dialogue I told him about my past experience with a scammer, and explained that I thought that it was the height of personal cruelty to play on someone's heart in an attempt to get money out of them.

He strongly agreed with me, and that was that.

I looked for any inconsistencies in anything that he might have shared with me, and could find none.

Either way I really don't need the anxiety associated with this.

From what he's shared, neither of us are currently in a position to actually meet each other in person, and any attempt to do so still won't guarentee that the person that I've been communicating with is as true and sincere as he comes off to be.

I haven't sent him anything of monetary value, and beyond my having a number to reach him, an email address, and IM ID, he has no idea where I physically live, and it seems that I've put more effort over the past several days to reach him, than he has me.

If scamming is his "day job," then I expect that I'll hear from him bright and early Monday morning, with another expressive email about how much he's missed me, and why didn't I call this weeekend, etc..

During one of our last phone converstation I asked him, "Is this real?" He giggled and said, "Yes, I'm very real why don't you believe me?" At that point the call got dropped.

I think that I'm going to keep this guy at arms length for a while, and see what transpires. If anything.

Thanks for the input, and the links, it's been enlightening.

 

[texpatriot]

Gah!

I'm so pissed!

WTF?

I had a heart filled with appreciation for allowing me to feel something inside my heart that I hadn't felt in years.

Maybe it's because I wanted to feel it.

But at the same time those feelings stirred up all of the negative shit that came along with those feelings of love and loss.

I don't regret any of it, don't get me wrong.

But to stir my heart to love, and then to remind me of the loss, and then to discover that I probably was too quick to trust, and might in fact have been a target for a scam, that's just fucked up.

 

[KaraBulut]

Here's the deal. These guys are professionals. This is how they earn their living.

Of course he has an answer for everything.

Of course he has hot pictures to send you.

Of course he is taking his time baiting the trap with you.

Of course he sounds sincere.

Of course, he's managed to play on your emotions.

It's his job!

 

[CudDULL]

I know love makes you do some crazy things BUT DOES YOUR SITUATION EVEN SOUND RATIONAL?

 

[texpatriot]

Here's the deal. These guys are professionals. This is how they earn their living.

Of course he has an answer for everything.

Of course he has hot pictures to send you.

Of course he is taking his time baiting the trap with you.

Of course he sounds sincere.

Of course, he's managed to play on your emotions.

It's his job!

To what end?

I have jobs that barely pay my own way, and I would never "rely upon the kindness of strangers" to help me, especially to buy a new car, or something of material value, especially based upon a lie.

I'm not naive, I'm not some stupid hopeless romantic.

But I am afraid that I'm becoming more cynical, less loving, and less open to any real expression of love that might be out there.

 

[texpatriot]

I know love makes you do some crazy things BUT DOES YOUR SITUATION EVEN SOUND RATIONAL?

Duh!

Do you think I'd be sharing this if it didn't?

 

[looseliam]

I will never fault someone for being myopic in the face of love.

I will, however, fault one for doing so again.

Grab your bootstraps (I know you have them) and move along.

If I may impart a bit of advice, try not to get attached to online guys. Just my tuppence.

 

[texpatriot]

I will never fault someone for being myopic in the face of love.

I will, however, fault one for doing so again.

Grab your bootstraps (I know you have them) and move along.

If I may impart a bit of advice, try not to get attached to online guys. Just my tuppence.

Thanks Liam!

You know that I love you like a fat kid loves cake.