Online Meets Reality - The Aftermath

[Danugh]

Oh my gosh what have a done my life may never be the same again. I cant believe I did what I just did. I hope I don’t live to regret it.

I met this guy online. He has his picture online I didn’t so I knew what he looked like. We chatted on messenger back and forth for a couple of days.

It turns out the guy works in the same building I do. Today during lunch I didn’t want to sit by myself for a particular reason so I saw the online guy and I sat at his table and said hello. I introduced myself as the guy that he had been talking to and told him I hope he isn’t freaked out. Ordinarily I wouldn’t have done that because I know I wouldn’t want someone to just come up to me and say hey aren’t you that guy from the gay site.

So anyways he seemed ok with it and we got to talking, though it was a bit awkward for obvious reasons. I asked him if he had any gay friends here at work and in the building (Its 19 stories but we all interact on a daily basis) and he said yes but some of them got transferred but some are still here. He then went on to say that I would be surprised at who is gay in the building, meaning that some very masculine men were/are gay.

My concern is twofold.

I came out to him not any of his friends so I don’t want him to run and tell all his friends that newboy12 is gay you get what I am saying. I wanted to say this to him but I couldn’t get it out. My question is, is it understood that I came out to him and no one else? or do you think he will tell all his friends about me?

I don’t know why I went to his table so I’m freaking out now. He didn’t tell me who exactly in the building id be surprised to know is gay so don’t I deserve the same respect to privacy. I am not going to tell any of my friends that he is gay so why would he do that to me.

Now tomorrow everybody is going to be looking at me all funny and different and I am not going to be able to function. If I could turn back time, Cher where are you?

People I need some reassurance that everything will be ok.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Anyway to contact him before work tomorrow to make sure that he knows that you're not out at work?

Just to cover your bases?

 

[drhladnjak]

I don’t know why I went to his table so I’m freaking out now. He didn’t tell me who exactly in the building id be surprised to know is gay so don’t I deserve the same respect to privacy. I am not going to tell any of my friends that he is gay so why would he do that to me.

Because unlike you, he's not totally ashamed of being gay...

Seriously, so what if other people where you work learn you're gay? Do you think they will really care all that much? Everything will probably be fine.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

OK, the truth is, no one here can really tell you truthfully, what this other dude in your office building might choose to do.

He was not outing out anyone b4 you, but was dropping general hints. Yeah, sure. In a 19 storey building, there ought to be a few gay dudes around.

Is he going to keep your 'secret'? Who knows? He was respectful of the others before you, possibly coz he does not really know you. But equally so, he might be more than just happy to break the news to his chummies from the little 'in-house gay network' that another dude has just joined in.

There is nothing you can really do about it at this stage.

So, how about making up your mind?

If you choose to stay in closet at work, fine. This is your choice and it may or may not be a very wise choice, too. Only you know what's right and what's wrong at your place of work.

But do make a choice and stick with it.

And act accordingly.

SC

 

[Riverrick]

It sounds like he isn't going to tell them and that you have time to sit down with him or IM him and ask for privacy in this regard. If he's a good guy he'll do it.

 

[taiger65]

sounds like if he does tell anyone, it would be the other gay guys, and that may not necessarily be a bad thing. you won't get in any more trouble for being gay than he is in, so don't worry about it, and you might get to network with some of the other guys.

 

[spreadeagle]

You say ' I don't know why I went to his table and now I'm freaking out'; well, why don't you know? If you have even a modest level of intelligence you can learn, by observing your own behaviour and remembering the consequences, to take responsibility for your own actions. This is a sign of maturity.

At the moment you're self-dramatising because you lack the experience to be able to predict the results of choices you make and actions you take. You're in free-fall; take control of your life by deciding what results you want to obtain and then choosing actions that are likely to manifest those results.

 

[wilehart1978]

I'm just happy Newboy has found someone who - this time - is not straight!!

 

[Danugh]

You say ' I don't know why I went to his table and now I'm freaking out'; well, why don't you know? If you have even a modest level of intelligence you can learn, by observing your own behaviour and remembering the consequences, to take responsibility for your own actions. This is a sign of maturity.

At the moment you're self-dramatising because you lack the experience to be able to predict the results of choices you make and actions you take. You're in free-fall; take control of your life by deciding what results you want to obtain and then choosing actions that are likely to manifest those results.

Thats a bit harsh, and indepth though not based on anything factual.

It was just impulsive to avoid and awkward moment. Who would have thunk it would have led to any even more awkward situation?

I didnt see him today and i havent seen him online.

People at work were however, looking at me and pointing at me, well ok they weren't pointing at me but they were looking at me funny and i didnt have a boog hanging from my nose. So the cat may very well be out of the bag but hey guess what even if he did tell all his friends about he, it would be completely circumstancial.

The only way people can know that A is gay is if A tells them A is gay or people catch A in a homosexual act.

I never told the guy that i was gay i only said hey we met online on that site. Who is to say that i am not an undercover researcher delving into the gay world for a dissertation i am writing?

So as it stands right now though i would prefer he not say anything, if he does it would not matter because it would just be circumstancial.

I feel so much better. Also if he tells them he will be telling other gay people so we just in the same boat so they cant do or say anything to me so its all good.

 

[aaronp]

i think you may have created an "imaginary audience" with this one. people have tendancies to create this audience that focuses on them, whether it be their thoughts, feelings, or behavior. this behavior generally appears when one begins to think more in dept about their place in a social world, in this case work.
even if he did tell the whole floor or your coworkers you were gay, i doubt their fixation with your sexuality.

 

[luminum]

I'm just happy Newboy has found someone who - this time - is not straight!!

*sigh...word....

Well, if he was discreet enough not to out the others, he probably doesn't care enough about you to out you to everyone.

 

[Alberto_15]

mmmmmmm

 

[jockboy01]

I think at most he'd tell the other gay guys only. So I wouldn't worry.

 

[Danugh]

Is he for real?

He is upset with me because i said i came out to him and only him and that i trust he has not siad anything to anyone else. He wanted me to go and have lunch with some of his friends. So then i asked him if all his friends are gay and then he siad actually the ones he is going to lunch with are straight. Then i said do they know that you are gay? And he said they do. So then i said if i go to lunch with you will they just assume i am gay and then he said he doesnt know, but that he hasnt said anything which by the way i dont believe.

So now is upset with me because i am not out and about and thats not right.

 

[mexamor]

Yes, you should not feel pressured to come out before you are ready.

 

[trawler69]

It might be worth bearing in mind that his friends are straight and know he is Gay, so they must accept him. This guy is trying to be a friend to you and you are rejecting him. He could have just ignored you but obviously saw you were worth more than that and made an effort. It's not so surprising that he is a bit off with you after doing this and your reaction to him. I think it is more you feeling pressured rather than him actually presurising you. You could be turning down a great opportunity to enrich your life and enlarge you circle of friends.

But what do I know?

 

[3nipples]

I agree with trawler69. It sounds like this guy behaved entirely correctly. I don't understand why you're so upset with him.