Online Relationship Went Bad

[daOne8]

Hello,

Lately I feel like I want to share my story and see different perspectives about it, but I can never talk to my friends, which hurts me. The reason, of course, is they don't know about my sexual orientation. Frankly, I don't even know. I have these desires, but I have never allowed myself to act on them and I thought I never would. Until this summer...

I had to work in a town where I didn't know many people, so I was bored and lonely. I installed Tinder, but didn't have the guts to actually meet a guy, so instead what I did was find a guy on Omegle. He is gay, understanding, funny and we have a lot in common, so it was easy talking to him. We skyped a few times, then exchanged other contacts and started texting and talking every day. Soon we fell in love.

There were just two problems - the huge distance between us and the fact he already had a boyfriend. At first, these didn't matter, because we were just talking and it was all innocent, but with time this started bothering me more and more. I just waited all the time for him to text me or call me. We fantasized about a future together and even though it sounds silly, gradually I started believing in the funny promises we made.

I put up with knowing he is sometimes with his boyfriend just because I couldn't give up on him. And, in a way, I thought their relationship is not too good since he was spending so much time with me. One day, however, his boyfriend read our chat. This is when things got real messy. My friend had to reevaluate all he has done in the past months and consider how he was hurting us both. So, ultimately, he had to end this and he chose to stay with his boyfriend. Which makes sense, because he is there in the same country, even though I know we had a real connection and I know he believes that too.

Now the craziest part. Previously, we talked a lot about meeting and eventually I bought tickets to go and see him. He was very excited about it and we dreamed a lot about everything we would do. But now he says this can't happen obviously. He will repay me some of the money, but even then I lost a lot on this. And the money is not even my biggest problem - I just feel so crushed that he is taking our dream away. This trip meant so much to me. A chance to have the greatest adventure of my life, a chance to self-explore and know who I am, a chance to see the other end of the world, a chance to look this person I adore in the eyes for real...

So now I am left with my biggest dream crushed, a lot of money lost, and this break up to deal with. I miss telling him everything about my day and hearing about his. I miss seeing his smile that would light up my world. I could go on and on, but there's no point, I suppose. Just know that it hurts. Furthermore, I am left to deal with my sexuality, because this relationship has made me realize that I am most probably gay. I feel like this is too much to handle on my own and I am barely coping. But I am certainly not ready to tell anyone, at least not until I know for sure. So I just don't know what to do... Again I am considering random hook ups on Tinder, but it doesn't really feel like me. I need the real thing like I felt I had with this person.

So.. basically, I don't even have a question. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I am just so lost and alone right now.

 

[eastofeden]

Your dream was unrealistic....

If he did this to his boyfriend..he will do it to you as well....I guarantee it.

I am more curious why you didn't see that?

Did he tell you he wanted to leave his boyfriend? If so..that is a mistake...even if he actually did it. If he wants to pursue a new relationship...he should have given up the one he already had.

This is not a guy to build dreams with....you dodged a bullet.....

 

[tarallucci]

It's been your first experience... you understood more about your sexuality... you fell in love... I think we've all gone through this... it serves to build the person.

It hurts now but you will overcome this phase. You also learned that distant relationships are not much feasible... and that you need to look for someone who's single.

Be strong. There's a lot to live and many chances to be happy.

 

[aaggii]

You learned it the hard way. Stay away from folks with boyfriends.

Why don´t you take a vacation anyway, don´t cancel your trip, go meet people, have fun. You´ll be in a place where it´s easier to meet others and who knows.. things can happen.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, you took a risk and it didn't work out. It was also a "safe" choice because it was someone who wasn't really available.

Get out there and find that person who is available and is able to take that risk with you.

 

[Telstra]

Online Relationship is not real and a waste of time.
You could easily have an online Relationship with all the JUB members and making threads on the topics you are interested in ...

 

[Georgiadude]

unrequited love is one of the worst feelings there is but you kinda brought it on yourself. helping a cheater cheat seldom works in your favor. no matter what they tell you about leaving their bf they seldom actually do it. as others have mentioned you've learned a valuable lesson the hard way. you're left heartbroken and he's still in his relationship. I'd be willing to bet had you two gotten together he'd probably cheat on you as well. cheaters cheat. they seldom change. take some time and work through your feelings. maybe see a therapist. a good one will help you sort through this and your sexuality.

Steven

 

[offthewall14420]

Unrequited love is a source of great art.

 

[LAPan75]

Go on the trip and enjoy yourself!

Maybe you'll discover things about yourself you otherwise would not....

just don't look for the guy, when there.​

 

[aaggii]

Online Relationship is not real and a waste of time.

It depends. If both parts are willing to make sacrifices to turn it into a real one (like seeing each other, planning to live together some day etc), then it could work. It worked for me.. The bigger problem is that what you see online is not even half of what that person really is, and this is something important to keep in mind.

 

[kallipolis]

So.. basically, I don't even have a question. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I am just so lost and alone right now.

Your...our...journey of self discovery begins each day we awake...to face life with a willingness to learn from yesterday's learning lessons.

Let it be; let it go; and begin again each, and every day...

 

[daOne8]

Thanks for your replies. It feels good to get this off my chest and discuss it with people.

I just want to add that I realize I was wrong to get involved in this and that I have certainly hurt the boyfriend. I felt bad about this for a time, but now it doesn't really matter. Anyway, as you say the lessons will stay with me. No online relationships. No taken people. Ever again.

As for my friend, I honestly still believe he is a good guy. I know he did us all wrong in this situation, but you got to understand that it all started as innocent chats. We didn't know we'd fall in love. I certainly didn't believe it is possible to happen online, like some of you have expressed doubts. But I assure you it felt so real. It still does. And then he got confused and overwhelmed by his feelings for both me and the other guy. However, I could never ask him to leave him, because we weren't real yet. I hoped he would one day... I know it would have been too hard for this relationship to ever work out, but there was the small chance it might and I held onto it. So maybe it's good it's over, because I can let go. Problem is, it's just too hard at the moment. I can't sleep properly. I can't eat properly. I can't talk to my friends. I am a mess. I am really considering a counselor. I don't know...

And about the suggestions that I still take the trip - I haven't really thought about it until now, but it sounds too scary to do it on my own completely. Before, I knew he would be there to take care of me in a foreign country where I don't even know the language or anything. Also I don't think I will be able to go to his hometown and not look for him, which is obviously bad if he doesn't want it.

 

[Seasoned]

Emotional affairs are serious things and can seem as real as a physical relationship especially if the people involved are needy. Be on guard when meeting people online. Some people are looking for titallation but nothing else.

 

[Georgiadude]

I strongly recommend you see a therapist. it really helps talking to someone face to face. this wont go away overnight. it takes time but it does get better. you'll have good and bad days but soon you'll have more good days than bad. make an appointment and see a therapist. they won't judge you. they're there to help.

Steven

 

[daOne8]

Update:

I didn't stop talking to the guy, but we remained just friends. I even got the courage to meet a guy for real as I was trying to move on. However, eventually my online friend broke up with his boyfriend, saying he didn't feel their relationship is right. The trip I booked is in two weeks and we are thinking to have it as we imagined first.

Problem is, the boyfriend is not too happy about it. He contacted me and is blackmailing me saying I either cancel the booking, or he tells my parents about this story (he found them on my profile before I got the chance to block him and change my privacy settings). He already sent them friend requests, but I blocked him from their profiles too. I tried to reason with him, but he won't listen, and as I didn't show him proof I canceled, he contacted some stranger on Facebook, asking her to tell my father to urgently contact him with regard to his son. My father asked me if it's some scam and I lied I don't know this person. Now, he continues with the threats and if some more people contact my parents, they will probably get suspicious.

I have no idea how to handle this. I told him this is a criminal offence, but he says he is not afraid. I honestly think the police won't be much help - what can they actually do? Especially since this is happening online and we are in different countries. HELP! Any ideas would be appreciated.

 

[aaggii]

I have no idea how to handle this. I told him this is a criminal offence, but he says he is not afraid. I honestly think the police won't be much help - what can they actually do? Especially since this is happening online and we are in different countries. HELP! Any ideas would be appreciated.

Contact the police anyway. This is illegal.

 

[sixthson]

He is threatening to out you to your parents and friends. The police won't care about that. This is the risk you take when trying to hide who you are while carrying on a clandestine relationship, even online. Nothing online remains a secret forever and you found that out.
The online bf is no catch either. Dump him, even as a friend.

People who are decent human beings in real life will be decent humans online. Those who aren't decent will be cruds online, too.
Unfortunately, you found the bad ones.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I have no idea how to handle this. I told him this is a criminal offence, but he says he is not afraid. I honestly think the police won't be much help - what can they actually do? Especially since this is happening online and we are in different countries. HELP! Any ideas would be appreciated.

So, where is the guy you were chatting with during all of this? It would seem that he is the one who should put an end to this harassment.

Unless of course, it is the guy you were chatting with who is the one that is blackmailing you? You're sure that the boyfriend actually exists? You're sure that they both didn't set you up?

.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I have no idea how to handle this. I told him this is a criminal offence, but he says he is not afraid. I honestly think the police won't be much help - what can they actually do? Especially since this is happening online and we are in different countries. HELP! Any ideas would be appreciated.

Well, a vindictive X is going to out you no matter what you do. Tell your parents , your friends who you are, then you can discuss this with them.

More to the point, why are you still involved with any of this now that it's become pointless drama?

 

[Soilwork]

The part that gives me the most concern is that you "fell in love" with someone's carefully curated words on a screen and a few Skype interactions. Real love has to happen in the real world. You seem to be putting an awful lot into meeting someone that's possibly just rebounding from a broken relationship (that wasn't that good anyway since your interactions started with him while he was still with the rather vindictive ex-boyfriend).

You don't really seem to say whether coming out to your parents is even an option. I sense it's not.

Honestly as rough as it sounds, it makes lot more sense for you to deal with your own immediate issues with your community and family and friends. IT sounds to me like you were almost planning on running away from your coming out issues by moving in with a man in a foreign country where you don't even speak the language so he can "take care" of you. You need to be your own man first before you can invite someone in.