Open Relationships: Sex With Others

[RRRalph]

In some posts i read about the open relationships and it makes me wonder how such things works. Do you tell that person you love that you have sex elsewhere or don’t you even mention that. Are you allowed to have continiously sex with one certain other? I guess it is how the two in such relationship set up the rules.

Let’s get deeper in this. Why would you have sex with some other than the one you love? How does having sex with others relate to being faithfull? Is it really easy to make a strict distinction in loving someone and having sex with someone? Well, that’s a couple of question that popes up when i think of open relationships.

Open relationships wouldn’t be my thing. Maybe i’m oldfashion at this point and maybe i’m too jealous to share my girlfriend with someone else. I like my girls to love me for who i am and i like them to have sex with me exclusively. When they want to have sex with others, that means to me that i can’t provide what she needs.

For the ones who do open relationships: Tell me how your open relationship works.
For the ones who doesn’t: Tell me if open relationships would be something for you.

 

[psychobandit]

I'm with you, I have never understood the whole "open relationship" thing. I don't understand "group sex" either, I'm a "one on one" kind of guy. Guess I'm old fashioned too.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Why would you have sex with some other than the one you love? How does having sex with others relate to being faithfull? Is it really easy to make a strict distinction in loving someone and having sex with someone? Well, that’s a couple of question that popes up when i think of open relationships.

Open relationships wouldn’t be my thing. Maybe i’m oldfashion at this point and maybe i’m too jealous to share my girlfriend with someone else. I like my girls to love me for who i am and i like them to have sex with me exclusively. When they want to have sex with others, that means to me that i can’t provide what she needs.

For the ones who do open relationships: Tell me how your open relationship works.
For the ones who doesn’t: Tell me if open relationships would be something for you.

#1
Why would you have sex with some other than the one you love?

Mostly because I can.
Just like very many other men, I do not need to fall in love with you in order to have sex with you. I even do need to really know your name, family status, education level or anything else for that matter. You will nor bear my children and we may or may never see each other again. We are both guys, we want to get our rocks off and have some great fun while doing so. We are talking some hot sex here, not a life-long bond here.

#2
How does having sex with others relate to being faithfull?

It does not. My BF and I have agreed that we live in an open relationship. We are very faithful to each other when it comes to each and every promise we give to each other. But he is his own guy and so am I. No butts, whatsoever.

#3
Is it really easy to make a strict distinction in loving someone and having sex with someone?

Absolutely. In particular, if you have NOT embraced the theory that the only acceptable and legitimate gay sex takes place in absolutely committed LTRs after weeks and months of hetero-style dating.

#4
Open relationships wouldn’t be my thing. Maybe i’m oldfashion at this point and maybe i’m too jealous to share my girlfriend with someone else. I like my girls to love me for who i am and i like them to have sex with me exclusively. When they want to have sex with others, that means to me that i can’t provide what she needs.

I clearly see your point here. If I were hetero- or bisexual, I'd be adopting the same policy. Mostly, because I would not wish to raise other people's kids. Not my thing. Besides, on more levels than one, the experience of a m2m open relationship is so completely different from a similar m2f relationship that further comparisons hardly make any sense at all.

#5
Tell me how your open relationship works

It works very well. We are both the non-monogamous, high sex-drive types. We are both very independently minded and, though we live together and spend every free moment of our time together, everyone calls his own shots and has a final say in his own matters. We are not mimicking a happy hetero marriage. We are two men together. Everything is different. Sex is different and so is the whole dynamics of our relationship. We are both men. We understand each other without the words. We do not need to remember any anniversary and we never have high-octane dramas. We only give flowers to each other, if we want to. Not because we are supposed to. Men know that 'No' means 'No' and accept that. We do not blackmail each other like in: 'unless I get that latest JAG, you get no pussy no more'. Neither of us feels that (s)he has been on the side of the exploited and abused for the better part of human written history and that now may be the time to balance it all out. (There is so much more to it, that I ought to start writing a book on the subject.)

We are the best of friends and just like male str8 friends exchange the stories of their exploits, so do we. (We have no reason to lie either. I do need to impress him at all. The same works other way round, too.)

My BF knows that he does not owe me anything and the same is true for me, too. So, we are making every day worth living for us in a number of small ways, because we cannot and will not take our love for granted.

He puts it very simply, "There so many guys out there; yet you are the one, who is right for me."

That says it all.

SC

 

[Metroguy78]

What an interesting reply silver...

how long have you two been together? you must both trust each other immensely.

I think you are to be commended but as you say it is not for everyone. The idea doesn't make me sick or any negative thoughts but i dont think i could ever do it as i think i would get very jealous and also worry that my bf would meet someone and prefer them to me and then i would loose him.

It is an interesting question though.. well done Ralph for bringing it up

 

[SilverRRCloud]

What an interesting reply silver...

how long have you two been together? you must both trust each other immensely.

I think you are to be commended but as you say it is not for everyone. The idea doesn't make me sick or any negative thoughts but i dont think i could ever do it as i think i would get very jealous and also worry that my bf would meet someone and prefer them to me and then i would loose him.

It is an interesting question though.. well done Ralph for bringing it up

---

Our 5th anniversary will be in April.

Yup, we trust each other completely. Mostly, because we do not have to. We choose to. Nothing like no compulsion and all freedom.

If either of us chooses to go, so be it. I love my BF too much in order to stand in the way of his happiness in any way.

We are really basing our relationship upon the notion that you can own various types of property but that you cannot really own another human being and his natural sense of freedom.

SC

 

[blackbeltninja]

^Interesting replies, both of them.

I've never done the open relationship thing, and I'm not sure that I ever could. Perhaps it works for 2 guys, but I'm not sure how well it would work with a hetero couple (and being a bi-guy, that is an angle I consider).

Perhaps it is a case of double standards, bit I'm not sure I'd want to share my girl with anyone else. However, since I have never met a guy I could see myself settling down with, I might be a little more open to the idea of involving a third party there, although I couldn't say for certain at this point.

Still, an intriguing notion - it's one I've wondered about for a while after hearing of open relationships.

-d-

 

[jetsonboy]

Can someone comment on the following scenario?:
I have been in a committed relationship with someone for 6 years now. We love and care deeply about each another in many ways. However, our sex life is nonexistent. My partner does not want to have sex with me (although he tells me he wishes he could as he humorously pushes me away); not even mutual j/o. When we kiss, it is purely non-romantic or sexual with him (any deep tongue action inititiated by me comes to a stop pretty quickly). Other than that, there is plenty of affection. I have a high sex drive, and I am very unhappy about the fact that I have to get my sex elsewhere whenever I can. Because I care about his feelings, I have not told him flat out that I seek sexual encounters outside of our relationship, and I think he is in a situation where he'd rather not think about that. Of course, the sex I seek is ridiculously safe (mutual j/o, hugging, etc). I remain hurt and unhappy that the person I love does not want or is unable to have sex with me, and he has not taken any steps to correct the situation. What do you guys think?

 

[JayHew]

I have to agree with what Silver and others said. At the end of the day, we both know to whom we are committed as far as loving and caring most about. Our love and caring is renewed each day with the acts and words given to each of us. It is important to know we are separate individuals with some separate needs and allow for the growth of that individual, yet at the same time we grow together as a couple.

I feel that most important of all is communications. We talk about everything, some of it difficult, but nothing is considered a "deal breaker" but something we both can work through. With being able to do this, we know how we feel about each other and it is not to say that at some point the openness of the relationship can't be changed with mutual agreement. For us it works and works well and we are both happy and content with how it is. As for loving and caring for each other, there is absolutely no doubt and neither of us would do anything to harm the other.

And yes, we had the "talk" at the very beginning of our relationship and set the rules. We always inform the other. There are times when threesomes are the order, sometimes not, but it is all good.

As for the above with Jetsonboy, it is a tough situation but one that you both need to really sit down and talk about. You have a lack, he seems to be content, there is a way for you two to reach a compromise. Part of that may be in having to throw out some automatically accepted standards and establish your own. Each relationship is a bit different, so sometimes requires "tweeking" of those standards, but it can't be done without open communications. Good luck.

 

[Maddog85]

For those of you that are in an open relationship, how often do you get tested for STDs?

 

[bchilds]

My partner and I will have our 20th anniv this year and have always had an open relationship. (In the past few years, it has been more theoretical than actual, guess we just have too much else to do.)

Neither of us has ever understood the whole jealousy thing. I can't even imagine getting angry or upset when he says "I had a little adventure today". Instead, I'm glad he is enjoying life. I'm sure he would say the same about me. The real key, which others (esp. JayHew) have said here, is to be honest with each other and have an agreement about sex with others. We are best friends, partners through life, and that's where our commitment to each other lives. Of course, safety is paramount, we don't want to risk each others' health, so playing with others goes only so far.

Everyone is different and reacts to situations in their own way. I can't speak to anyone else's experience or say what anyone else should or shouldn't do.

 

[joshson]

For those of you that are in an open relationship, how often do you get tested for STDs?

Come on, you can't possibly think that open relationships mean that you do it in an unsafe manner. Don't be naive. The same rules of safety still apply. They just apply to more partners. So that mean the frequency of testing shouldn't change, if you are safe about.

Having more partners doesn't necessarily increase your chances of disease.

 

[albar05]

ok... now being in a ltr myself, the thought of ever having an open relationship is a simple NO!

I think if you start off in a relationship with the understanding that you care about each other, but are not willing to committ to each other 100pct, then thats fine, but saying you "LOVE" someone to the point of being in a ltr with them seems a contridiction if you are going to be having sex with others.

I "LOVE " my b/f too much to ever think of doing anything with anyone else, my love is a very special thing to give to him and i feel that you can not truely " love" , in a deep emotional way , a person if you are having sex with numerous other people.

I love my friends and family, but in a different way to how i love my b/f.. and is a very very special kind of affection.

So for me, open relationships are something that i feel do not show any respect to the person you claim to "LOVE" .


Ok so now i have added my thoughts, i will crawl back under the rock i came.....
from....

PS... if anyone i was with wanted an open relationship , i would have to decline the offer... :O) ... but good luck to all those you feel that they can cope...

 

[Metroguy78]

awww so Al, i can't get the feelers out for a third of fourth this weekend?? DAMN!!

lol (only joking!) x ;oP )

 

[albar05]

Why be in a relationship with anyone if you want sex with others... maybe the best thing is to just have " fuck " buddies, that way noone gets hurt and you all get what you want.....

Being in a relationship , to me, suggest committment and being exclusive. If thats too hard for some people then best not to committ , until you are 100pct ready!

.... and on another note .... to ....... . >

METROGUY...... one word , DEAN!! lol...... ( its a private joke) lol

 

[hummer7979]

I think there's a lot more to an open marriage than just being able to have sex with other people.

I personally have never been in a serious relationship, but I had a professor that was in an open marriage so I asked him about it and this is how he explained it:

An open marriage is not, on the surface, different from a 'traditional' or closed marriage. The people involved still love each other and want the best for one another. The difference is in how they commit to each other. In closed marriages, the couple typically makes a commitment to fidelity. In an open marriage, the couple makes a commitment to openness, meaning honesty and communication.

The difference is actually kind of subtle, and not extreme like some may assume - that people go into open marriages just for the extra sex. You can certainly have an open marriage without any extramarital sex.

The way understand it is that each partner never should have to make excessive sacrifices to make a relationship work, rather two people who love each other should be able to trust that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, you two are still want to be together. It's this trust that keeps you from being jealous. Most jealousy is usually derived from our insecurities, fearing that the other person may find someone better.

I guess it's really more of a way of approaching a marriage rather than a whole new type of relationship. However, I can't really say much more about it myself. This info is second hand.

If you're really interested in the subject, the required reading is "Open Marriage" by Nena and George O'Neill. I've only read a few pages of it when my professor let me look at it, but it's written in a way that explains without hype and hippieness what an open marriage really is and how it works.

Also, I imagine that open marriages are probably slightly different for hetero and homo couples, since there is less of a socially expected role for each partner. That book focuses on hetero marriage but still gives a lot of insight on how to make any open relationship work.

I just looked on Amazon.com and one of the top reviewers quoted part of a chapter:

The guidelines [to healthy relationships] are as follows:
1 realistic expectations
2 privacy
3 open and honest communication
4 flexibility in roles
5 open companionship
6 equality
7 identity
8 trust

Where do love, sex, and fidelity fit in? Are these not guidelines too - the basic components of any marriage? Important, yes; guidelines, no. Many of the problems with the closed marriage [defined by poor communication, lack of trust, immaturity etc.] stem from a false concept of the part that love, sex, and fidelity play in the relationship between man and a woman. The guidelines of open marriage listed above form the basis upon which love, sex, and fidelity achieve their meaning, not vice versa. If personal identity is based on love, equality measured by sex, and trust defined by fidelity, then identity will be crushed by a lessening of the initial romantic fervor, equality diminished by a temporary failure in sex, and trust destroyed through even the appearance of infidelity. But if personal identity, equality and trust exist in full measure, then the normal fluctuations that occur in any relationship between two human beings can be taken in stride.

http://www.amazon.com/Open-Marriage-Life-Style-Couples/dp/087131438X

Anyway, I hope that makes sense. Good luck

 

[jetsonboy]

My partner and I will have our 20th anniv this year and have always had an open relationship. (In the past few years, it has been more theoretical than actual, guess we just have too much else to do.)

Neither of us has ever understood the whole jealousy thing. I can't even imagine getting angry or upset when he says "I had a little adventure today". Instead, I'm glad he is enjoying life. I'm sure he would say the same about me. The real key, which others (esp. JayHew) have said here, is to be honest with each other and have an agreement about sex with others. We are best friends, partners through life, and that's where our commitment to each other lives. Of course, safety is paramount, we don't want to risk each others' health, so playing with others goes only so far.

Everyone is different and reacts to situations in their own way. I can't speak to anyone else's experience or say what anyone else should or shouldn't do.

I am actually quite taken by your approach, and see this matter from a new perspective. Contrary to what others may say, I read real love for your partner in your post. I congratulate you on your anniversary and wish you a lifetime of happiness. I hope some day my life partner may reach a level of openness that will enable him to accept a situation with me similar to yours.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Come on, you can't possibly think that open relationships mean that you do it in an unsafe manner. Don't be naive. The same rules of safety still apply. They just apply to more partners. So that mean the frequency of testing shouldn't change, if you are safe about.

Having more partners doesn't necessarily increase your chances of disease.

Both points brought up here are very valid...

It is a serious fallacy to believe that promiscuity is the royal road to catching all sorts of STDS.

That RoYal Road title is reserved for unprotected sex. Confusing the two can be deadly.

I get a full med check up every 6 months. I have not been sick in more than 25 years. I still have ways to go and want all my systems up and runnin' to their maximum capacity.

SC

 

[blackbeltninja]

Being in a relationship , to me, suggest committment and being exclusive. If thats too hard for some people then best not to committ , until you are 100pct ready!

This is the way I would want to view it. However, I've never been in the situation, so I can't say for sure this is how I'd do it.

-d-

 

[Candyapple]

This is such a fascinating thread. I'm really enjoying reading people's perspectives and opinions on this.

Myself, I'd never be able to have an open relationship - I'm a straight woman and I can't bear the idea of my husband having sex with other women, whether I'm watching or not. I like the fantasy, but in reality....never.

Having said that, I have a lot of respect for people who can make open relationships work. Some of the posts here have really opened my eyes to how this kind of relationship can work, and how the partners can be committed, satisfied and happy. So thanks everyone!

 

[RRRalph]

First of all, SilveRRCloud thanx for your contribution!

The experience of a m2m open relationship is so completely different from a similar m2f relationship.

I don't think it's completely diffirent. It excists and it works, so it's possible. Like in a MM relationship there are rules that partners set up in a FM relationship.

Regarding that open relationships works. Has anyone done it and realised that it didn't work? It interesting to read besides the succes stories the failure stories.

Regarding the rules between partners in a open relationship: is it not that the point of being in such relationship is having no rules at all?