Open Relationships: Sex With Others

[RRRalph]

I've never done the open relationship thing, and I'm not sure that I ever could.

Would you if you could?

 

[SilverRRCloud]

First of all, SilveRRCloud thanx for your contribution!


I don't think it's completely diffirent. It excists and it works, so it's possible. Like in a MM relationship there are rules that partners set up in a FM relationship.

Regarding that open relationships works. Has anyone done it and realised that it didn't work? It interesting to read besides the succes stories the failure stories.

Regarding the rules between partners in a open relationship: is it not that the point of being in such relationship is having no rules at all?

I have no doubt that M2F open relationships exist and even work. Yup, such relationships are possible, too.

I would stop short of transferring my m2m open relationship experience into a m2f open relationship at the rate of 1:1.

That transfer, I believe, really never works.

SC

 

[hermanding]

in my first relationship - which ended after over 25 years - my compañero - 12 years older - did not want to continue fisically - he preferred to look. he actually asked me if i would get my sex somewhere else. it was not my idea, and i loved him and did not want him out of my life - so i agreed - even then waiting several months before finding someone else. he asked only that he not be told about it, and he would never ask. from a very conservative sex activity, i branched into whatever one could think of. and finally fell out of love with him. my second relation is now over 11 years and we are only with each other. i am sure no one can or should restrict another. if you both want that exclusivity, fine. if you don't, fine. the communication is THE thing and the trust
ding

 

[GothPunk]

the communication is THE thing and the trust

That's really what makes an open relationship work, or at least that's how it works for me. I can't really understand an open realationship where one partner says to the other "You can do what you like, just don't tell me about it."

I'm Bi and my girlfriend is Bi, and we have an open relationship, but you could probably go further and call it polyamourous. I say that because there was a point when my girlfriend had a girlfriend, and they were in love too. It wasn't just about sex. It caused alot of problems at first, when we first started having an open relationship, because I just wasn't used to the idea, I was a bit jealous. But then all those feelings just dissipated, when I realised that I just want her to be happy. But then her girlfriend couldn't handle the relationship, and after a few months they broke up.

The one big 'rule' that we have is that any people we see outside of our relationship are of the same gender. It's not really a rule though because I don't want to see other women, I'm only interested in seeing guys. Perhaps that is weird but it works for us

RRRalph you ask Why would you have sex with some other than the one you love? Well I don't mind my girlfriend having sex with a girl because I want her to be happy. We are both young and in love, but that does not mean we shouldn't still experience what we want or desire outside of our own relationship. I don't think it's that we don't find our sexual relationship completely fulfilling, it's just that if I can sleep with guys, why not?

For example, I love to give a guy head. Nomatter how much I love my girlfriend, it doesn't change that fact - I'll still fantasize about giving head. It doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled by my girlfriend, it's just something different. So why fantasize about giving head when I can actually do it?

Another thing that I think is great about open relationships, is the energy or life it brings to your original relationship. Like when I'm involved with a guy and we're having great sex, the energy I get from him bleeds into the sex I have with my girlfriend. It's kind of hard to explain - like you don't get lazy or fall into a pattern, or when you're flirting with someone and it makes you feel really good - then when you go home to your partner you bring those good feelings with you.

And it's not like we're incapable of monogamy, an open relationship is just something that works for us. But it does take alot of trust and communication to work properly.

 

[theFallenGod]

Me personally... just my opinion here, I believe that if you have to have sex with other people in order to fulfil some part of your relationship it isn't much of a relationship.... I mean call a spade a spade ... open relationships are nothing more than roommates with benefits.... at least thats how I see it....

Because at the end of the day any way you slice it.... there are 1000's of ways to make sex adventurous with the person you love that don't involve having sex with other people.....

I agree here with RRalph and think if I am with someone and they want to have sex with other people than I'm not doing something right....

I don't think it has anything to do with trust or communication I think it has more to do with the inability to totally commit to one person....

and as for the fallacy of STD's the only safest sexual situations are monogamy and absinance.... this is proven... because no matter what safe sex isn't 100% safe....

and imho if you love someone you wouldn't want to harm them.... physically, emotionally, or mentally....this includes giving them an unwanted gift or 2

To each their own... in my view though I don't consider "open" relationships real relationships....

 

[GothPunk]

I agree here with RRalph and think if I am with someone and they want to have sex with other people than I'm not doing something right....

I don't think it has anything to do with trust or communication I think it has more to do with the inability to totally commit to one person....

and imho if you love someone you wouldn't want to harm them.... physically, emotionally, or mentally....this includes giving them an unwanted gift or 2

To each their own... in my view though I don't consider "open" relationships real relationships....

I disagree with you on these points, seeing as I said my girlfriend and I are capable of a monogamous relationship, we just choose not to be monogamous. My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, and not a day has gone by when I didn't feel totally commited to her. I made a promise to myself that I'd do anything for her to make her happy, and that's how our open relationship started, with her. So how is this harming her?

And why is it that if you're with someone and they want to have sex with other people it means that you're not doing something right? Is that not a little possesive? I don't think one can ever be 100% what your partner needs - be that sexually, intellectually, spiritually or whatever.

I'm really interested theFallenGod to hear why you think open relationships aren't real relationships? Because I understand someone saying 'each to his own' or 'that wouldn't be for me.' But why do you go so far as to say they're not 'real relationships'?

 

[theFallenGod]

My intention wasn't to flame anyone on this board..... as I stated time and again all this is my opinion....

"open" relationships seem like both parties are a bit selfish....wanting the "idea" of a relationship without the sacrifices that one must put into it...When one enters into a relationship sacrifices must be made... because no 2 people are the same whether it be m/f or m/m or f/f... but needing to have sex with other people in order to sustain a "relationship" just seems to me as 2 people deluding themselves into believing that they are happy when its obvious to everyone but themselves that they really aren't ....

As I stated this is my opinion... I know some of you will disagree and thats fine.... I also know some of you will agree and thats fine as well... I'm not posting this to incite a riot.... I am just posting my opinion because thats what this thread is for....

and to highlight another question... Don't you think keeping someone around while you go and fool around isn't a little possesive?

And despite all the trust in the world we can't help who we fall for ... that fact remains.... to add to that the idea that having sex is different emotionally is hogwash... no matter when youhave that intimate a relation with anyone there is bound to be some emotion usually lust but sometimes its more than that... and before long the choice has to be made to I stay with boring old bf or move on to something new and exciting....

I have watched "open" relationships tear couples apart because no matter how you slice it someone is going to be getting the shitty end of the stick.... because before long its going to be envy, jealousy, neglect, boredom, or some other little demon that will tear it all apart....

As far as not viewing these as "real" relationships I said it before... it seems more like a friends with benefits kinda deal than a loving relationship....

Love transcends the desires of the flesh... If you love someone you really wouldn't want anyone else in your life.....

AGAIN... these are my OPINIONS.... based on observation and personal experience... sure what works for one person isn't the same as what works for another... I'm just pointing out what I see....

 

[theFallenGod]

Do not presume Mr. to know what is a real relationships and what is not.
My husband and me, yes we have sex with other people, but at the same time we are in a true relationship. We have been through a lot of shit together and still go through. We have been each other´s support through the good times and the bad times...

Wait a minute .... you said husband... Obviously you aren't really married because marriage is about commitment... it's 2 people entering into a union with the exclusion of all others....

you insult the people who are fighting to make marriage legal in countries all over the world by feeding into the stereotype that gay people can't remain monogamous.....

This is the biggest factor in why I believe "open" relationships are wrong.... because the actions of a few ruin things for the rest....

 

[theFallenGod]

Well if your going to say its one thing and as far as I can remember marriage is about showing commitment to ONE person to the exclusion of all others.... you are officially saying that this is the person whom I want to be with for the rest of my life through sickness and health blah blah blah....

Marriage and "open" relationships are total opposites....

If your going to say you want to make that commitment than actually make the commitment instead of making things up as they go...

If we are going to get those same rights we have to show them thats what we want.... he's essentially argueing their point for them.... helping us lose ground....

but this thread isn't about gay marriage....

 

[theFallenGod]

....nevermind ... I was going to comment but I don't want to continue off topic

suffice to say I am insulted and so are a lot of my friends and family....

 

[theFallenGod]

your marriage is a joke.....

 

[theFallenGod]

How does it insult me.......


One of the reasons I left the U.S. was because I couldn't legally marry my bf....

My lesbian sister can't legally marry her gf....

Why?

Because moralistic fundamentalists believe that homosexuality is about promiscuity and that gay people can't can't remain monogamous enough to enter into marriage....

A point you have made so abundantly clear.....you insult me by using a term you haven't earned to perpetuate a stereotype used to dimish the rights of myself, my family , and my friends.....

Don't speak to me of insults... you are insulting enough for everyone....

 

[RRRalph]

It’s perfectly ok to disagree, but please have respect for each other and each others way of living.

I got invited by the original poster to participate in this thread, and for what? To get insulted, to get my relationship insulted.

I asked jsnsessions to talk about open relationships, cuz i knew he has one. I wanted him to explain how it goes in open relationships, cuz i was curious to know how these things works. I don’t know much about it because i only do the traditional relationships. Keep on writing jsnsessions!

Your marriage is a joke. You aren't really married because marriage is about commitment. It's 2 people entering into a union with the exclusion of all others. Marriage and "open" relationships are total opposites.

You should be more open minded and lower your tone. There are various marriages and everyone has his own way of looking to a marriage. Personally i doesn’t mean much to me. I see it as a legal confirmation for a longterm commitment. It’s just a paper, cuz it doesn’t change a thing in your daily life.

In a marriage there are diffirent way of lifes. Jsnsessions and his husband choose to have a liberate one. They have a commitment with each other. They both agreed to love each other and to have sex with others, in which they both join in. If they both want it that way why the hell not. Your way is the traditional way, which is fine. You don’t have to do the same. He has is thing and you have yours.

You insult the people who are fighting to make marriage legal in countries all over the world by feeding into the stereotype that gay people can't remain monogamous, but his thread isn't about gay marriage.

He doesn’t insult anyone and his way of life can’t possibly effects legalising same sex marriages. You are attacking him for stupid reasons. But you’re right, this is NOT about gay marriage.

 

[theFallenGod]

FYI... IMHO.... I still think that if you truly loved the man you were with you wouldn't need to have sex with other people....

 

[blackbeltninja]

You should be more open minded and lower your tone. There are various marriages and everyone has his own way of looking to a marriage. Personally i doesn’t mean much to me. I see it as a legal confirmation for a longterm commitment. It’s just a paper, cuz it doesn’t change a thing in your daily life.

It should.

Otherwise nobody would bother with it. I agree with theFallenGod, personally - my parents' marriage broke up because one of them was made it an "open" relationship without the other's consent, and the other would never ever give consent because of the whole "forsaking all others" bit.

I was at a wedding on Saturday, and they do kinda stress this bit. Not sure if it is standard wedding practice or not, but after all the "I do" bits, this was a separate declaration by both bride and groom.

I would feel most put out if my significant other wanted to have an open relationship. In fact, the more I think about, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

-d-

 

[blackbeltninja]

We got married because we thought it would be FUN...

And we probably gona get a divorce and get married again, you know, just for fun, and cause, unlike yourself or your sister, WE CAN

But surely even you must think that doing it for shits and giggles is stupid.

We're talking something here which is legal and binding - should things go belly-up with your man, he could take you to the cleaners in the courts. You might be held liable for his debts and/or expenses, and anything held in community of property could be seized should the necessity arise.

With as much respect as is deserved, jsnsessions, you seem a little brighter in your other posts than you do in this particular thread and bun-fight.

-d-

 

[RRRalph]

I see marriage as a legal confirmation. It’s just a paper, cuz it doesn’t change a thing in your daily life.

It should. Otherwise nobody would bother with it.

What does it really change in your daily life? You still love your partner as much as you do before, you still want to spend your life together, everything stays the same, except for the law consequences. It's just legalising your commitment.

 

[theFallenGod]

What does it really change in your daily life? You still love your partner as much as you do before, you still want to spend your life together, everything stays the same, except for the law consequences. It's just legalising your commitment.

But the point is ...It isn't much of a commitment if you have to sleep with other people...
Seriously, how commited can you really be if your partner isn.t good enough for you?

 

[miamicoach]

It seems that the anti-open relationship people here believe that if only we would agree to be monogamous, straight people would just say "mazel-tov, of course we will recognize same sex marriage." Talk about delusion. Same-sex marriage is not recognized in the US because of bigotry, period, and no self loathing moralizing with change that.

All marriages have to find the right level and it's different for each one. For some it could be separate finances, for others separate trips etc and there is no judgment placed on that.

But put sex in the picture and suddenly there is only one way? I don't think so. Jsnsessions and his husband have apparently done a whole lot of work to find out what works best for them and I admire them.

There is another aspect of open relationships not discussed here. It is an important dynamic in my relationships that I love to see my partner having third party sex. This has been true with both women and men. I actually believe it's an innate part of my sexuality and certainly a well established fetish of mine. I am not alone in it.

It enriches and enhances every part of our relationship. If I tried to suppress it, as I did for several years, it sours the relationship. I am very lucky to have an accomodating partner. Lots of fun is had by all.

 

[Something Else]

I've had this thread on my mind of late--as it resonates with me so much after dealing with the ups & downs in dealing with my first bf relationship.

I am a firm believer that if you're into a monogamous EXCLUSIVE relationship then having desires of "threesomes" AUTOMATICALLY makes that into something else.

Simply because a Monogamous relationship is very precise and structured in its definition.

I understand if those feel that this post is digressing from the original poster's topic, but there is relevance in this aspect:

If you're in an Open Relationship, it isn't comparable to a monogamous relationship and should not be considered the same in any way.

It has no bearing, imo, of being right or wrong--as I feel if you know what you like, and you have a partner that believes in that very same ideal [whatever that may be for the two of you!], then you've found nirvana!

However, to compare it to marriage--which IS predicated on monogamy and excusitivity...well, i guess you can see where I'm going here.

I am a person that is geared in being exclusive and monogamist.

Threesomes are INCREDIBLY exciting when I watched them on vids or seen pics of them.

However that said, introducing that "fantasy" into the bedroom with someone that you feel fulfills you in every way, who then asks you: "would you be interested in threesomes?" Is not what a marriage (predicated on monogamy) is about.

That just can't co-exist. At that point, it is an open relationship--if threesomes are considered, even if it's consensual by both partners--which is how it should be, consensual if OPEN.

That's where I realize that there is a stark difference in the train of thought.

I feel in an OPEN relationship, it's more that you are the most FAVORITE sexual partner. But obviously, not the only one. For men that have recognized what they want and have a partner that desires the same, well that's great!

But to compare it to a monogamous relationship seems out of place to me. Because, the flip side of an OPEN relationship is this:

if you were UNABLE to have that "other" person involved; could you, then, possibly be satisfied by just one true love???

For those that believe in monogamy/exclusiveness, this isn't even an issue to be raised or considered.