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Open Relationships

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bluboi77

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Ok, so i've been dating this guy who is 35 and i am 30. We live together and going on 5 years. The sex has died down tremendously. Sometimes we don't have sex for 2 months.

I've brought it up numerous times and he says things will change. They haven't. Now i've come very close to cheating, but kissing has been the farthest i've gone. Then i stop myself. I did go to a hotel room with some guy after a bar and he wanted to jerk off, but i left. My BF not as sexual as i am. In fact, he doesn't even jack off.

Now this is the thing, i found pics on his email account of other guys. I found one pic on his cell phone, which he saved. YES I SNOOPED. I figured if he isn't having sex with me then what the hell is going on. But that still doesn't mean he is. A friend may have wanted to let him see, but if that is the case why did he save it in a personal file. The kid may have taken it and sent it to him. But again, why is he saving it and who is ths kid. Or he took it right before he sucked the kid off, even fucked him. WHO KNOWS!

I do love this guy, but it is becoming too much. How do you bring up an open relationship, do they work and what are the rules? If i bring it up, will he be sad? Break up? Or what? I brought it up before, but i don't think he though that i was serious. I don't want an open elationship, but at the same time i wanna have more sex. SAFE OF COURSE. Is camming cheating? Is trading nude pics cheating? Is kissing cheating? Is jacking off with another guy cheating? HELP ME!

When him and i finally have sex, it's just awkward now. And repetitive.
I asked him if he wanted porn, he said no; if he needs me to role play, he said no; if he wants 3somes, he said no; is he cheating on me, he said no; and lastly open realtionship, he said no. THEN WHAT. He said he was depresses, tired all the time and wasn't feeling horny.

It's lately that i see the pics, emails to people i haven't heard of (nothing sexual) and just became boring.

Can i have a discreet jack off buddy? I don't do anal, but i do like to suck dick. ALOT. My friend says that oral is not too risky, but there are other STD's. Is anyone in this situation?

I would love to know ur opinion. I am not sure if i can post my screenames here, but i will. I NEED TO CHAT WITH SOMEONE! Prefer someone experienced and gone through simliar situation. EXCUSE ANY TYPOS!!!!!:cry:


AIM: boi6cut
YAHOO: bluboi77
 
Wow...

First of all -- I'm NO expert dude...

I think that the FIRST thing you should do is ask your BF to see a doctor...

It might be that his "testosterone" (for lack of a better word) levels might be low -- it could be fixed with something as simple as pills or injections (not really sure on that either)...

I would definitely NOT cheat on him...

If you've been together 5 years -- you've got a LOT going for you...

I would also definitely NOT discuss having an open relationship...

THAT would make him feel BAD about his LOW sex drive...

I suspect that it is a PHYSICAL thing and NOT an emotional problem -- I also suspect that with simple (possibly) tests that it can be identified and resolved...

Like I said -- I ain't no professional...

My current BF and I have been together for a LONG time --- we've found that threesomes or group settings (with both of us present) are WAY better than one of us straying off on our own (probably a trust issue thing)...

But...

Then again...

Everyone is different...
 
You guys have to sit down and talk about the relationship and where it's going (or rather, where it's not). This is the only way you guys can progress into resolving issues instead of allowing them to waste your lives away. The fact of the matter is that you guys are complacent and unwilling to get out of your comfort zones to try something new without the attachment of the other.

Instead of seeking out behind-the-scenes action and hurting someone you love in the process - it's best to just let them go and enjoy single life until you find the person who will want to share the same relationship values and vitality you have.

Good luck!
 
Well i know we are having issues but he'd rather not discuss them. It's come to the point where it sounds like i am broken record to him. I am just over initiating it. His way of getting me worked up and horny i sby telling me " You better clean up!" THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME HORNY. He doesn't even like foreplay. We hardly kiss. Oh wait, do pecks count?

I can't even remember the time when he last ried to get me all worked up. I text him pics of me on his cell phone. His reply is" What are you doing, lol" I grab his ass, garb his dick and even pinch his nipples. NOTHING! I just stopped trying.

Ugh, my balls ache now. This is how horny i am.
 
If he's not putting out and refuses to talk about it (that second point is important), maybe you should consider leaving him and finding a partner who's better able to meet your needs emotionally and sexually.
 
My partner and I have an open relationship and it works just fine for us. Mind you that the open part is only play on the side and isn't anything serious with any other person. However, the difference I see with us is that we decided to open up our relationship together and with frank and honest discussion. However, our relationship has always been strong and we love each other very much.

I don't think it's a good idea to get into an open relationship when you're currently having issues. In order for it to work, it requires complete trust, communication and honesty with one another. If you don't have this beforehand, then it cannot work.

I would suggest "laying it on the line with your BF". In other words, tell him you love him and you want to find out what the problems are and resolve them. If he says he is depressed, then maybe he needs to go see a therapist and see about fixing himself, then move forward with fixing the relationship. If he's unwilling, then offer up the suggestion that if he doesn't, you will start to look elsewhere for sex. See what he says about it and take it from there.

Just going and having sex behind his back without him knowing is a big mistake unless you are ready for your relationship to end.

Good Luck....
 
I don't see how an open relationship is the issue, since at the moment you don't have one and your bf said he doesn't want one.

In fact it sounds like he doesn't want much of anything from you, sexually speaking. How are things going in the rest of the relationship? Do you live together? Do you do a lot of things together or have a lot of mutual friends? Do you argue about non-sex things?

I don't see where you have a lot of options here. I'm not advocating an ultimatum, but maybe a countdown to an ultimatum? He needs to know that the relationship is in danger, and to be more forthcoming about telling what he thinks needs to be done to fix it, or whether it can be fixed at all.

In the meantime, I'd stay away from fooling around with other guys, under any definition. That never helps things in my experience.
 
gewhite3 said:
I don't think it's a good idea to get into an open relationship when you're currently having issues. In order for it to work, it requires complete trust, communication and honesty with one another. If you don't have this beforehand, then it cannot work.
Click to expand...

Great advice!

I'd recommend either working toward an open relationship, or giving up and moving on.

I was in a 9 year relationship with a guy like yours. He was always "tired" or "not in the mood" when I wanted sex, and he never seemed to want it. Well, I found that he had the energy to rush home during his lunch hour to jerk off to porn several times a week, but didn't have anything ever left for me. It finally ended.

I've been in an open relationship with someone else for the last 7 years. Just because it's open doesn't mean that we're always screwing around. In fact, I think we see other guys less often than couples in a "monogamous" relationship cheat on each other.

Good luck. And definitely get this guy to TALK. If he won't do that, I don't think he really cares.....
 
I don't want to sound harsh, but why are you still together. You have sex infrequently and it is boring, you snoop and are suspicious about him and his motives, converstaions are one sided and monosylabic, and you are here discussing weather to have a jack off buddy or an open relationship!

You do briefly mention in the first post that you love the guy, but I would question if that is just a reflex action or your true feelings? In your position I would seriously consider breaking up, and to come to that conclusion you need to have some serious relection about what this relationship holds for you, and if you feel nothing, I would finish. If alternatively you want to keep going, you have to talk and have a mental list before you start as issuses that you want resolving and direct answers from him.
 
If he feels depressed and tired all teh time he should talk to his doctor about it. Depression makes everything uninteresting, not just sex. Sometimes a depressed person can function well in one area but not others. I was very successful professionally but had no life outside of work. Depression can also cause other physical symptoms besides weariness such as insomnia or the opposite, sleeping all the time, aches and pains, digestive disorders, etc. It's a serious condition that also has effects on the people close to you.

Clinical depression is easily controlled with medication and/or psychotherapy. I was unable to have a good relationship or a happy life until I got my depression under control.
 
Thanks to all you guys who have replied. To answer your questions, yes we live 2gether. We have our "friends" night out. He goes with his an i go with mine. But our life is soooo routine. Work, gym, work out, shop, eat movies and go out. Every week it is the same. Monday nites use to be ur sex nite (yes, we had a nite for sex) But that died down.

He does not like confrontation, nor he likes serious conversations until i show him it is bothering the hell out of me. I've had the sex convesartion with him and it has not changed. As mentioned, i've ruined MANY nice dinners on the conversation.

At this point i am frustrated! Also, i think about when we will finally have sex and how awkward it will be because we never have it. I hate that feeling.

He does drink alot when he gets home, but he is not an alcoholic. He doesn't use drugs either.
He used to jack off alot to porn, but that stopped! So i have no clue how a man of 35 needs to get his rocks off!!oops!
 
I'm no doctor - but it sounds like a classic case of low testosterone. Before you try the various scenarios suggested so far, he owes it to your five year relationship to at least have a medical doctor address this issue.

I know a fair amount of guys who waited, and didn't get diagnosed until after their relationships failed. Treatment can be topical or oral, and it works pretty fast. And if it does turn out to be his testosterone levels, all I can say is Woah! Hold onto your pants!
 
He might need to see a professional.....be it a doctor, or a counselor!
 
I would definitely recommend he get some medical help - the symptoms you describe seem to me to fit depression, and megustamyn's advice on that subject is really good - but even if it is low testosterone or soemthing else, it does sound like there is something going on.

Regarding the open relationship, I would put that issue aside for now - it is addressing a symptom (you being horny) rather than the cause (whatever his problem is), and whether his problem is mental, physical, or whatever, that is the place to start.
 
Are you sure he never jacks off? Maybe he just does it when you're not there, or in the shower or something. The fact that he's collecting pictures of other guys (who you haven't met) suggests that he hasn't lost interest in men.

I have to say, he sounds less like somebody with low sex drive and more like somebody who's just lost interest in his current relationship and doesn't know how to get out of it.

In any event, your relationship is clearly broken. If it can be fixed, you'll both have to do some work. On your side, that may mean figuring out ways to talk to him that don't escalate into anger or make him withdraw from the conversation. Maybe some kind of counselling?

On his side, he's got to start communicating better. If there's something you can do to re-kindle his interest, he needs to tell you.

Otherwise, you need to start thinking seriously about whether you'd both be better off if you broke up.
 
Well something happened today. I started off by saying that i was in a weird mood when he said "hi". He asked me why? I said i guess i was just bored with us, our routine and that it's the same thing every week.

He said we needed a vaction. I said a vacation will not fix this. So i got into the whole "no sex" thing. I said he hasn't tried for 2 months and i am becoming insecure and suspicious. I told him that in my mind he was cheating and i should be able to do the same. He said he was not doing such thing and he aplogized for making me feel this way. I told him that it's not just him to blame. It's me too. I also stopped trying and we are both to balme. But i told him i was bored with our sex life and our comfortable ways.

He agreed. He got into saying that; a. we need to fix this.; b. we need to change our routine; c. he doesn't know any couples that are long term who are monogamous or not open. He said, this too has been bothering him. So i asked him why he doesn't talk to me? Why isn't he open with me or talk to me? He aplogized.

I told him i was frustrarted. That i go out and guys hit on me, but i can't do anything because i am in a relationship. So then i get mad at him, myslef and then feel guilty for thinking those things. Or even flirting. I said i felt closed in w/so many limitations. Also, that i didn' t want to screw this up but i need sex!

So he said we would talk more tonight. The conversation was via email and at work. He hates face to face confrontation, so we'll see how much he has to say. This can be a good thing or the beginning of the end! :cry:
 
"open" relationships are cop outs .... You 2 need to work through your issues as a couple... if you can't than who are you really fooling by thinking having sex with other people is going to solve that?

"open" relationships are doorways to trouble... if you can't trust your man ...which seems to be an issue at the moment how can you trust him when you know he is fucking other people and could possibly bring home something to you....

If you 2 truly loved one another you you find a way to resolve your issues without trying to love other people....

I suggest counseling ... ultimatum time... tell him we go to couples counseling or we call it off.... because one way or another you won't hve to worry anymore....

Just remember the only safe sex is abstinance and monogamy.... what happens when one of you catches something and possibly brings it to the other....is that a burden you are willing to bear?
 
So the other day i said something was going to happen. Here i come home, excited that he will talk to me abou tthe issue. AND NOTHING! He totally avoided the conversation we had earlier that day. I brought it up later that evening and he said we'd talk after dinner. NOPE!!!! So i decided i am not going to push. I've brougth it up, i've told him my feelings and now he knows! I was hoping he'd bring it up the next day and NOTHING! So i am done trying. The ball is in his court. No, i do not want to bring home any diseases, but i am very careful. The worst thins i'd do is give head, but even then i stop. Jacking off would be the farthest i'd go. I tried boys, have been and always will.
 
Honestly, I'd give him a bit more of an ultimatum. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but then I'm going to do what I feel I have to do."

Lex
 
i was in a relación with someone who just never wanted to do it - would not talk about it, would not change, would not go to therapy, and finally asked me to see other people for sex as long as we stayed together. i should have left long before i did. years of both our lives were wasted.
ding
 
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