The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    To register, turn off your VPN; you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

Open relationships....

C

confusedboy23

Still confused.....
Joined
Aug 7, 2006
Posts
1,816
Reaction score
0
Points
0
I'm not in one but after chatting with a friend, I can't help but think of these questions - Do open relationships work? Would you want one?

Let's say A wants to be with B but B isn't ready to settle with A monogamously. Should A get B to enter into an open relationship just so that A wouldn't "lose" B? What do you think?
 
Do they work? Sometimes--it depends on the couple and what's important to them. Would I want one? No, it wouldn't work for me.

In your second scenario, I see disaster. Whether or not a relationship is "open" is really a fundamental question. It almost never works when both are not absolutely committed to the idea of it being open. When one sacrifices his instinctive wishes just to please the other, that not only says something about the one sacrificing, but it never works out long run in that case. Jealousies develop, for one thing. It also just gets old fast and one can never overcome one's desire for an exclusive relationship if it's there. You can sacrifice and put up with almost anything temporarily, but long term, your basic instincts win out and the whole thing collapses in tears and drama. I wouldn't try it.
 
In your particular example, I would think not. In my mind it wouldn't be a relationship.

There are different levels of open. I would not want a wide open relationship nor one which is completely closed. The main thing has to be that we both respect our committment to each other. A little (very) occasional penile friction on the side is ok as long as we remain open and honest about it.

Moreover, I need to know that I can trust him to tell me when he's been with another guy and especially if he did something stupid and unsafe. For that to happen, he needs to trust me to remain loyal to him. Obviously the same has to be true with reversed roles.

Dishonesty or disloyalty would be a deal breaker.
 
averageguy said:
Do they work? Sometimes--it depends on the couple and what's important to them. Would I want one? No, it wouldn't work for me.

In your second scenario, I see disaster. Whether or not a relationship is "open" is really a fundamental question. It almost never works when both are not absolutely committed to the idea of it being open. When one sacrifices his instinctive wishes just to please the other, that not only says something about the one sacrificing, but it never works out long run in that case. Jealousies develop, for one thing. It also just gets old fast and one can never overcome one's desire for an exclusive relationship if it's there. You can sacrifice and put up with almost anything temporarily, but long term, your basic instincts win out and the whole thing collapses in tears and drama. I wouldn't try it.
Click to expand...

Some great thoughts here. I can see that the person sacrificing would be the one suffering the most. I guess the problem with open relationships, especially one where a party is more committed than the other is that it blurs the line between "partners" and "fuck buddies". Do you agree?
 
There is a whole nother thread on this that was started earlier this week. Check it out.
 
A Wants to be with B, B wants to be with A, but is looking at C. A allows B to be with C, but A is secretly hurting inside cause B wants C more than A.

That happens in almost every open relationships. I personally think Open relationships are wrong, and only the dumb and foolish fall into these traps. I knew a guy who was dating a girl and guy at the same time, how big of a loser does one have to be to do that? It almost makes it look like hes being selfish and he needs the resurrance and love from two different people to make himself feel better - personally that person who needs two people needs to get over himself, that one person who is hurting, (YOU) needs to dumb his ass and move on. Cause you're only going get hurt and hes gonna walk all over you.
 
confusedboy23 said:
I can see that the person sacrificing would be the one suffering the most. I guess the problem with open relationships, especially one where a party is more committed than the other is that it blurs the line between "partners" and "fuck buddies". Do you agree?
Click to expand...
In general, yes.

Certainly the one making the sacrifice is going to suffer the most. They are the ones willing to put their own needs on hold simply to have someone in particular. Whatever would cause someone to do that is probably a bigger problem, actually, than the open relationship (e.g. low self-esteem).

It's an interesting analogy about blurring the line between "partner" and "fuck buddy" in these cases. Yeah, I guess in some cases that's correct. It's hard to state generalities in these things with 100% certainty and accuracy. In some cases, in which both parties are firmly committed to do this, they are able to compartmentalize their relationships such that they know very well who they'll always come home to (the partner) and who they'll just fool around with (the fuck buddy). These relationships are complex, and always confusing to those of us who don't participate in them. Basically, though, if the fuck-buddy gets too close, he'll be pushed away; if the partner becomes too possessive, he'll get pushed away too. They are able to somehow find a happy median that they both can live with. Hey, to each their own. I just know myself well enough to know that I could not balance this and keep my sanity.
 
averageguy said:
Basically, though, if the fuck-buddy gets too close, he'll be pushed away; if the partner becomes too possessive, he'll get pushed away too. They are able to somehow find a happy median that they both can live with.
Click to expand...

I can only imagine how hard it would be to define the limits. I mean, yeah, both of them would be enjoying the frequent shags and stuff, but what if one develops feelings that are deeper?! Man, it's a scary thought. We have pretty much established that 'open relationships' should be a no-go, then what about 'fuck buddies'? Any opinions on this - like, can they genuinely be buddies and nothing more?
 
I speak from personal observation on this and this is my opinion on the matter ....

When a couple enters into an "open relationship" its usually because 1 of them has found something else they want....

"open relationships" are based on co-dependancy....one or both parties involved usually need to have the other in their life and are unwilling to let go....and since most of the time its one person who initiates it the other goes along with it so as not to lose the person completely...of course this begins the cycle of resentment... which usually end the relationship anyway....

Of course a relationship is about trust....and honestly... when one person has multiple sex partners... can you really trust that person not to bring back an STD home?

IMHO "open relationships" have nothing to do with trust or love and are merely products of co-dependancy, immaturity, and weakness....

of course... I now I'm going to be attacked for my opinion but I'm not worried..
 
Interesting points! Very cool to read.

Open relationships only work under the condition that A & B are both in full agreement that they both want an open relationship. Hesitation on either party will result in jealousy, more problems, etc.

I know of people with open relationships, and they are getting along just fine as boyfriends. Again, the key being that they BOTH wanted to open it up.
I agree with the post above that agreeing to it out of wanting to please the other is just a recipe for disaster.

I personally don't want an open relationship, and thus i expect the same out of my boyfriend. For me, if the boyfriend brings up opening the relationship, i'd rather call it quits.

Again, open relationships are not for everyone (i.e. myself), but they can work if both parties agree to it, so, be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.
 
I do agree it is each to their own when it comes to relationships. I don't think I could handle a 'open relationship' but at the same time, I'm not sure if it would be that easy to let go of someone. The friend I mentioned was falling for a guy whom was a 'fuck buddy' of his. He is saying that he might be prepared to tell his buddy his feelings and see where it will lead them. I know that for a fact his buddy wouldn't be too keen on a monogamous relationship but my friend is saying that maybe it would have been a good idea to give it a go anyway.

I guess my question here is, would it be worth it to be in love even though you know that there would be an impending "expiry date" clearly stamped on the relationship?
 
confusedboy23 said:
Let's say A wants to be with B but B isn't ready to settle with A monogamously. Should A get B to enter into an open relationship just so that A wouldn't "lose" B? What do you think?
Click to expand...

This was my story several years ago, and I was A, but B was the one who suggested it. It went on for 5 years. His reasons however were not for him to date others, but because his life was so turbulent that he did not want me to be tied down with someone who could not give me all the attention I wanted. He continuously insisted that I was young and should not put all my eggs in one basket with him. I never took advantage of the open relationship window I was given and committed to him all 5 years ... until one day I met someone else and I decided to date him too (no sex yet). Well, B blew up about it and broke up with me. He later claims he was going to suggest monogamy to me that very day but then I laid the news about this other guy and then all changed. To this day I still claim the reasons he gave me to be bullshit. We were friends after for a while but I have distanced myself from him - the best thing for me.

In hindsight, it was a big mistake. I won't do it again.
 
Can they work? Yes. I know one (straight) guy who's been in an open relationship for years, and the couple remains as committed to each other as ever. But anyone who's been in a relationship at all knows that in order to make it work, it takes work. It's complicated, but most can keep it going. Making a relationship "open" throws a whole 'nother level of complexity onto an already complex situation. So it's going to take a TON of work, and all parties irvolved are going to want to commit to doing that work. And that's where you're going to see alot of these relationships fail, I think.

Lex
 
RicanDAB said:
This was my story several years ago, and I was A, but B was the one who suggested it. It went on for 5 years. His reasons however were not for him to date others, but because his life was so turbulent that he did not want me to be tied down with someone who could not give me all the attention I wanted.
Click to expand...

What if it was A who suggested it because it was him who found it too hard to completely let go of of B. At the same time, B was the horny bugger who needed a more interesting sex life. Should they have tried?
 
confusedboy23 said:
What if it was A who suggested it because it was him who found it too hard to completely let go of of B. At the same time, B was the horny bugger who needed a more interesting sex life. Should they have tried?
Click to expand...

Again, no ... it's an unhealthy arrangement that will lead them nowhere. In your scenario, A seems desperate to do anything to keep B at the expense of his own happiness - psychologically that's no good. [-X -- B will always have the upper hand in the relationship because he can do anything he wants and A will just stand by and accept it all just to keep him. Because if he even objects just a little, B is lost forever.

And I speak from personal experience. It takes time but it IS possible for A to find happiness away from B -- A just has to allow it to happen.
 
confusedboy23 said:
I guess my question here is, would it be worth it to be in love even though you know that there would be an impending "expiry date" clearly stamped on the relationship?
Click to expand...
I don't think one really could be in love in that scenario. Love to me means that I feel like I have met someone that I imagine myself with for the rest of my life. It involves a sense of hope and of joy. How could one have either if there was no future for the relationship?

I would think it would be easier to fall in love with someone who is terminally ill than with someone who will plans to leave you some day. At least with the former you know that you're all they want.
 
RicanDAB said:
Again, no ... it's an unhealthy arrangement that will lead them nowhere. In your scenario, A seems desperate to do anything to keep B at the expense of his own happiness - psychologically that's no good. [-X -- B will always have the upper hand in the relationship because he can do anything he wants and A will just stand by and accept it all just to keep him. Because if he even objects just a little, B is lost forever.

And I speak from personal experience. It takes time but it IS possible for A to find happiness away from B -- A just has to allow it to happen.
Click to expand...


Precisely what i was going to say. It's the imbalance in each of their specific wants. Compromise is one thing, but that situation you presented clearly is a loss for A.
 
i could personally never do an open relationship, im just a one-man kinda guy i guess
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top