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Open Relationships

Some of my friends are in open relationships. It works for them, but I could never go down that road - it's just the way I am.

A particular couple who got married recently had been in an open relationship for years. The only rules were that they never saw the same person more than once, never in the family home, and always come home at night.

Works for them, and I don't have an issue with it. I would have an issue with it if they had children. I'd just find that wrong.
 
NaughtyArousal said:
What do you think of them? Have you been in one? Have you known someone or have you hooked up with someone who was in one? What rules (if any) were established?
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My life-partner and I celebrated our 19th anniversary yesterday, and we have been in an open relationship since just before our first anniversary. I had a 6.5 year relationship during that time, and he lived with us. We both have also had one-nighters, fuck-budies, and lovers during that time.

Some definitions I use for clarity (not universal by any means):

non-monogamous : can have sex outside the relationship (may have limitations, such as no repeats etc.)

open-relationship : can have sex or date outside the relationship. I use this term to imply more than non-monogamy, but less than polyamory.

polyamorous : can have more than one relationship at a time.​

As mentioned parenthetically, those are not universal definitions but I usually offer them when speaking on the topic so the rest of the discussion proceeds from common understanding.

In addition to my own experiences, I have several friends who fit one of the above, and my in-laws are (at least in theory) non-monogamous. By best friend is dating someone, and his partner of 12 (?) years is also dating someone. One of my colleagues is part of an extended leather family, I think there are 6 in the immediate group, but others in satellite relationships.

There are few universal rules here - in fact rejecting monogamy is all about rejecting external rules. The only ones that matter are the ones agreed on by all involved. Some guidelines can help the discussion, though:

1. Communicate, a lot. Both about need and problems.

2. Understand that your jealousy is your problem, not your parner(s)'s. It is ok to feel jealous, it is ok to tell your partner(s) you feel jealous, but it is still your problem to deal with. You do not own anyone, and no one owns you (unless that is what you desire, and the ownership is freely given).

3. You have a right to be happy, and what makes you happy may be different from what makes your partner(s) happy. As such the rules you agree on may seem unfair or "wrong" to other people - they are not the one in the relationship(s), though, so tell them to shut up.

4. Things may change, so rules should be up for re-negotiation at any time.​


In our case, there are no rules other than honesty and openness. I am making it a priority for 2011 to start dating again, I was happier with a second relationship as, and I think, my life-partner was also happier. (I'm also trying to match-make for him, so if anyone knows a twinky submissive type looking for a Daddy let me know.)

NaughtyArousal (and anyone else) feel free to ask questions, I am used to answering them.
 
I'm in a 20-year monogamous relationship. An open relationship would not work for me.
 
If they were random encounters, as in not an affair with the same persons, then I can see how it might work... In a sexual perspective.

But I must factor in the health point of view, I think it may not be a very good idea..
 
I dated my boyfriend for a year before we moved in together. He then decided that I rushed him into moving in together, and that he wanted to be with other guys. I tried it, and seeing the person I love with someone else killed the relationship. You have to be careful. You can say being with someone else won't turn into more then sex, but you never know.
 
NaughtyArousal said:
Wooffy thank you so much for this explanation!
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You're welcome. Like I said, feel free to ask questions, even very personal ones - I've talked about this stuff in front of large groups, so very comfortable with it.
 
mikeyjon said:
I dated my boyfriend for a year before we moved in together. He then decided that I rushed him into moving in together, and that he wanted to be with other guys. I tried it, and seeing the person I love with someone else killed the relationship. You have to be careful. You can say being with someone else won't turn into more then sex, but you never know.
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Why did it kill the relationship? There is a piece missing there. Could you not be happy that your boyfriend was having fun?

One of the greatest joys I have ever felt was seeing my life-partner falling in love. I look forward to seeing that again. And I am always eager to bring home a guy I a falling for and sharing my joy.
 
Mikami said:
Not for me at all. They're ok I guess, not into the idea of 'sharing'.
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Understandable. I'm not into the idea of being owned/belonging to someone. I've never understood why anyone puts up with that, actually. I know people who's partner doesn't even want them too look at others!
 
wooffy said:
One of the greatest joys I have ever felt was seeing my life-partner falling in love. I look forward to seeing that again. And I am always eager to bring home a guy I a falling for and sharing my joy.
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What I don't understand is how you can love two or more people equally as deeply? Or is it not a matter of equivalence?
 
wooffy said:
Why painful? Why not joyful?
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I am not searching to have multiple partners.


And i am talking about in general not even at the same time.


Will the next guy I meet be the only guy forever and ever? Eh, I don't know but I can hope.

I just want a guy to be committed to me and only me.

That just seems, special.


It is not like I have a problem with it hell "Sister Wives" has got to be the most epic show on tv now.

Just not for me.
 
wooffy said:
Why did it kill the relationship? There is a piece missing there. Could you not be happy that your boyfriend was having fun?

One of the greatest joys I have ever felt was seeing my life-partner falling in love. I look forward to seeing that again. And I am always eager to bring home a guy I a falling for and sharing my joy.
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I have no problem with people being in an open relationship, it's just not for me. My ex had a year to tell me that he wanted to have fun with other guys. But he waited until I completely turned my life around to be with him. I know you can't be everything to one person. I just feel if there is a problem, or something missing in a relationship, I want to find the solution with my partner. I don't want to bring in another party to makes things complete.
 
Open relationships are a great fantasy of mine.

I have a very happy monogamous relationship. And as Chloris Leachman once said, "I'm married, not dead." I can appreciate what is captivating about other men without in the least being moved from my affections for my guy.

However, I am happy to leave it as a fantasy. If a circumstance arose where it seemed like a compelling good idea for all involved, I would feel no shame in opening our relationship, yet I don't see it happening nor am I looking for it to occur.

Outside the realm of fantasy, open relationships do seem complicated to maintain. I'm not one for complexity. A whole lot of "rules" and "mutually agreed this and that." I'm not one for analysis either. While it is true that any relationship needs work, a relationship should not need a management committee and a consultant.

Also, I must admit I have heard a lot of "I had a really great open relationship" or "It lasted for a long time" or "We're still together though we haven't had sex in years. (That applies to many monogamous relationships too, I admit...) Anyway I have zero interest in a relationship that ends. Zero. For what my guy and I have set out to accomplish, parting ways would be a failure and a disappointment and a great heartache.

I would like my guy and me to check in to the same old folks home together, and with any luck and the miracles of modern medicine, I'd like us to be chasing each other around that seniors' home making a scandal of ourselves. In the Activity Room. In the Janitor's Closet. In the alcove just next to the lobby on "Family Visit Day." Out on the lawn bowling green.

And if by some strange turn of events, there is a friend of ours at the same home who along with his better half occasionally joins in or cheers us on, then fine. But not without my guy.
 
My feelings on this topic are well known here at JUB; at least, in certain circles.

-d-
 
elvin1 said:
You're excused. Another misunderstanding on your part. Or maybe I should have been more specific?

When I said romantic, I meant someone that has the ideal of your typical romantic one on one love. Or someone that is jealous.

Nowhere was I condescending or judging but saying it's all good.

You assumed.
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I re-read your post, and "But it's not for the jealous or romantic" still comes across as a statement that open relationships are "not for ... the romantic." That may not have been what you intended, but that is how it reads.

I did not assume you meant it as condescending or judging.
 
altlover85 said:
What I don't understand is how you can love two or more people equally as deeply? Or is it not a matter of equivalence?
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I think, when it comes to relationships, "equally" and " as deeply" really don't apply. Thinking back on it, every relationship I have had has been different. For example, before I broke up with my lover, I used to say my relationship with him was "very deep", while my relationship with my life-partner was "all encompassing." Very different qualitatively, which does not imply a quantitative difference.

Looking at it another way, though, why can't relationships be unequal? Sometimes that is what some people want. I dated a cute cub a few years ago, who (once he got used to the idea I was in a relationship) actually wanted to become something "more than fuck-buddies, but less then boyfriends". To him it seemed like a great middle-ground between the single life he loved, and the companionship of a boyfriend. Too bad things didn't work out.

Back to your question, I am sure that there are many people who strive for multiple "equivalent" relationships, but I have met few. Most of the polyamorous people I know seek out different relationships, crafting each to by unique to the person(s) involved.

As for love... I find it no harder to be "in love" with more than one man than to have more than one friend, etc. I do prefer to build relationships made of over-lapping couples, though, where as others I know always seek out group partnerships.

Do I think most people are capable of being in love with more then one person at a time? Hell, yes - they just don't know it. Can anyone do so? Maybe not, hard to tell with a lifetime of societal conditioning telling them otherwise.
 
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