Open Relationships

[wooffy]

I have no problem with people being in an open relationship, it's just not for me. My ex had a year to tell me that he wanted to have fun with other guys. But he waited until I completely turned my life around to be with him.

Ouch. Never easy when someone in a relationship makes a revelation that shakes the foundations. We've been lucky to survive a few, but its not something I would wish on anyone. Unfortunately it does happen... a lot.

I know you can't be everything to one person. I just feel if there is a problem, or something missing in a relationship, I want to find the solution with my partner. I don't want to bring in another party to makes things complete.

I think that encapsulates things well by what it misses. Being in an open-relationship, or poly, is NOT about fixing a problem with the existing relationship, or because something is missing in that relationship. Someone who tries to fix a current relationship that way is doing the same thing as the old "we're having a baby to save the marriage" - never works.

Each relationship is a different experience. Each individual human being is unique. In that sense each relationship can bring something to you otherwise missing in your life - but note the wording, I said "missing in your life", not "missing in your other relationship."

As a trivial example, you could have a friend you love to go out clubbing with, and one you love to do sports with. Is something missing from either friendship? Is the night out at the bars less important to you because you play rugby with a different friend?
In open-relationships and polyamory, there is a paradigm shift in how we talk and think about relationships. I'm using trivial examples here, which usually results in accusations that devalue relationships or equate them to friendships - that is far from the truth. I am using trivial examples because loving relationships are for too complicated to summarise in a few words.

I'm a complex person, very different in different contexts, and I guess a bit greedy too. Different relationships let me experience different parts of myself. Its not about what may be "lacking" in one relationship - in fact its not about pre-existing relationships at all! My current desire to date and fall in love is not about my life-partner, it is about me. He just gets the fringe benefits.

 

[wooffy]

Outside the realm of fantasy, open relationships do seem complicated to maintain. I'm not one for complexity. A whole lot of "rules" and "mutually agreed this and that." I'm not one for analysis either. While it is true that any relationship needs work, a relationship should not need a management committee and a consultant.

I couldn't agree more... I know some people who need a guidebook to their own relationship rules (including some monogamous couples, actually). Relationships need work, but shouldn't feel like they ARE work.

Open-relationships don't have to be rule-bound, though. Hence our "do whatever you want, just no secrets" rule. Pretty simple.

 

[diamondstar]

Open relationship is utter B.S. That's just cheating with your lover's approval. it's wrong and I would never allow it in ANY relationship of mine. Also, I don't know anyone in one either.

 

[AlmondMilk]

My friend tried an open relationship. He had to end it though...because it just wasn't working for him

 

[wooffy]

Wooffy, I'm loving all of your responses on this. Before this encounter with the open-relationship coworker, I recently saw an interview with the cast of Sister Wives, a reality show I hadn't heard of until then.

Thanks. I may be over-doing it - I'm so used to discussing the topic that its easy to fall into lecture mode.

These ladies all share one husband in a big house with a ton of kids. I hate to say that I immediately judged them, but I kinda did. To me, initially, it'd almost seemed demeaning for them to all share one husband and he to have the four of them.

Polygamy often strikes people that way, because of the sexist overtones. It doesn't help that media coverage is usually of small cults with under-age women being forced into group marriages.

But different people look for roles to fill for themselves and for their lovers. I kinda get that now, and your explanation of how its possible to love more than one person in different ways (comparing it to having multiple friendships) is definitely an eye-opener.

I find that the best comparison, even though it usually opens me to attack.

 

[Purplebic]

I gave each of my boyfriends a choice between open or exclusive, they all chose exclusive without hesitation, i was faithful, they were not. They were also clingy, paranoid, made way too many rules, and insecure.

Though i dont continue to hold myself to a higher standard than most guys. At this point im more content to maintain a few fuckfriends, i can do all the things with them than i would in a relationship, but at the end of the day, i do what i want and i don't owe anyone any explanations.

 

[altlover85]

That's an absolute and it's possibly flawed even beyond just that. I'd argue that the same reasons you mentioned for them working are probably why they fail for couples that try to go that route. There's plenty of room for possessiveness and jealousy because you're essentially sharing your partner. Those are human characteristics. I'm not saying they all fail for those reasons, because clearly open relationships do work for some people.

reone, I think there was a decided lack of seriousness and sarcasm in Pianist's post. I wouldn't take what he writes too seriously and if anything I'd think he means the opposite of what he wrote. I could be wrong, of course.

 

[altlover85]

I ain't fessin' to nuttin'.

However, I WAS sincere about being told WHY monogomy is a fundamentally flawed premise for proponents of open relationships. And I AM sincere about the attitude of superiority and pity I've noted in them as well.

Open = best
Nonopen = flawed

And I've yet to hear them say different... even when they give lip service to "whatever-works-for-you". What's left unsaid, but is tacity understood is...

"Whatever works for you, but you're emotionally immature and an open relationship is far more emotionaly healthy, and one HAS to be emotionally healthy to HAVE an open relationship and even recognize that open relationships ARE the BEST relationships."

More or less.

I understand that's what the people you've talked to have expressed, but the tone I'm getting from what you write is that you don't feel that is the truth.

Personally, at times, I've felt that people in open relationships are more emotionally mature, but then after speaking with my therapist he gave me a counter argument. In the end, I think it's not a black and white issue.

There are some people that are suited for monogamy and some that are suited for open-relationships. Maturity is important for a good relationship regardless.

 

[altlover85]

Truth is highly subjective.

I never said I agreed or disagreed.

What I had/have issues with, is being told there's something the MATter with me, because I may not share what to others, may be something fundamentally obvious.

I'm okay with being flawed. And I'm okay with a partner being flawed. I just need to find someone honest enough to accept not only HIS flaws, but mine, insofar as those flaws don't cause harm to either of us.

Thanks for clearing that up Pianist. I think you've got a good attitude about the reality of flaws in relationships.

 

[wooffy]

What I had/have issues with, is being told there's something the MATter with me, because I may not share what to others, may be something fundamentally obvious.

Well, maybe you should take that up with the people who told you that, instead of the people contributing to this thread?

 

[gdude30]

All I can say is the relationship I've had for the past 2 years (and ongoing) as a leather household and family is a relationship I'll never forget. I do believe open relationships can work well as long as there is not jealousy or ulterior motives. I am allowed to play on the side because of my age but I choose not to do that much anymore.

Open relationships are definitely not for everyone though. They should never be formed for the wrong reasons as well.

 

[wooffy]

I think open relationships are great, for those that have them. I've never known anyone personally who has/had an open relationship--but overall, I can't say I heard anything negative about them. I mean-it's like having the best of both worlds (single life and relationship benefits)...what's not to like about it? *shrugs*

Well, it can take more time and work - one of the reasons I have never been tempted to maintain three relationships at once.

I have no issue with people in open relationships other than some of them like to get defensive and/or analyze those who choose to be in monogamous relationships. See to your relationship(s), and I'll see to mine.

I was chatting about this last night, and I was reminded of when I first "came out" as poly. Some of the defensiveness comes from how strongly people react against you - I lost friends over having two relationships, was called immoral, etc. That's all in the distant past for me, but it was good to be reminded that there are plenty of reasons why people in open-relationships get defensive.