Open relationships

[gumshoe]

I'm wondering if any of you guys are in open relationships. If so, what rules have you set for yourselves and how did you both decide to come up with the idea of having an open relationship? What are the parameters for your relationship as a result.

If you don't have an open relationship but still have a significant other, do you cheat? What keeps you from suggesting an open relationship? Why do you cheat and how often?

 

[DragOneON]

I'm in an open marriage. Our rules are that we tell each other and we always play safe. Threesomes are fine if that isn't pushing anyone's boundaries. Sex is just that, sex.

We came up with the idea because we both find jealousy silly and petty. In our opinion that usually reflects an insecurity in the jealous person. Sex to us is no big deal. Honesty, love, communication, and most importantly, RESPECT, define our relationship. My S.O. is gorgeous, and I'm flattered when others think so, why wouldn't I be? My S.O. feels the same. So, we both decided an open relationship was the way to go.

Our parameters are simple. If one of the other of us finds someone attractive, and that feeling is returned, we let the other person know and approach whoever it is just like anyone else. Eventually (if they don't know already) the relationship status question comes up. We're upfront and explain. Either they're cool with it or not. If they are, cool, have fun. If not, cool too.

There is no cheating in my relationship. We're happier than most other couples I know, married or not, and we never have suspicions. Maybe we just aren't wired that way, but it works for us.

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's all about the wiring and not about jealousy. I find it odd that if sex is no big deal why then pursue it with other people. In my relationship sex, intimacy and sharing are the things that reinforce the bond. But the bottom line is we are free to define relationships anyway we wish.

 

[gumshoe]

Thanks guys.

I ask because when myself and my current bf first met, he was open to the idea of an open relationship from the start (having been a regular go-to-guy for another couple's open relationship) so it was pretty much all he knew and understood. (I'm his first)

I've only had one long-term relationship before this and have only known closed-relationships. The idea of it being open frightened me being an extremely jealous type since my last relationship. (and no, my jealousy didn't end that one however I think it did hinder a lot of potential crushes I had between my first and second relationships).

Instead, we both agreed from the getgo that doing things online such as chatting with other guys, exchanging photos or even camming were open. My bf was/is a member of a lot of online gay sites and likes to exchange photos with guys. Not with the intent to meet them but it's essentially the same as how other people use porn. I've also learned during my time being single that I also enjoy chatting with guys and exchanging stories and stuff.

Lately, however, I've been contemplating the idea of suggesting we open it. I was pretty gung-ho on not doing it from the start because I was afraid of my insecurities and jealousy but I also know that the idea of cheating is essentially non-existent in an open relationship (well, unless it's emotional cheating). But I also know that I do trust my bf and although he was leaning toward an open relationship, and me away from it, he has turned down many an offer for 1-on-1s with guys, even simply blowjobs. I do think, though, that the roles may have reversed and he may not be as open to it as he used to be. We admittedly don't have sex as often as I would like for various reasons though and there are some aspects about the anticipation of someone new that I miss that I don't get with him. The novelty.
We're very open to 3somes though we haven't had many as my bf either seems disinterested in most guys or is insecure about his body image lately.

Anyway, sorry to ramble and hopefully you got through this extremely long post. I was just wondering how other people set their guidelines, how the idea of the relationship being open came up if it wasn't from the beginning, and other things.

 

[TTUdude00]

I hope everything works out for you. I'm curious too about the parameters and discussion that precedes this change in relationships. Sometimes I feel that I want an open relationship because i'm not getting my physical needs met and/or the attention that i want throughout the week (my bf travels 3-5 days of the week around the country. He's 55, i'm 25). Truly I believe that for us to make it work for years to come an open relationship is going to be implemented. As much as i love him and think he's ridiculously cute now, in even 10 years he's body is going to start changing and I'm worried that as both our bodies change the changes won't be complementary to each other in the sense of sexual appetite or ability.

Although I am 25 now, I'm just hitting my sexual peak. Something i have not felt ever, so this is frustrating having him gone a ton. Plus when he's home he's working or too tired to do anything. I'm attracted to older men and love my bf, but I guess i can identify with previous posters that I miss the excitement (the attention). I try keep my concerns on the table but this is a topic in which i'm worried about hurting him. He's always given me the impression that whatever i felt needed to happen in the relationship we could talk about whether it was something like this or anything.

I'm a jealous type too, so i worry about how that will impact the possibility of creating an open relationship, but I also don't want to be 30 looking back at my 20s and feel regretful or spiteful. I want to look back and say that it was fun and that I found the perfect guy to go through it with me.

Anyways thanks for allowing me to ramble. Feedback is always appreciated

 

[maxpowr9]

I think it's all about the wiring and not about jealousy. I find it odd that if sex is no big deal why then pursue it with other people. In my relationship sex, intimacy and sharing are the things that reinforce the bond. But the bottom line is we are free to define relationships anyway we wish.

QFT. It took me a while to realize this but a relationship is a covenant between two people. Whatever the rules you define for that relationship are what you should obey. If you don't follow or agree to the rules that you defined together, that person may not be the one for you.

 

[gumshoe]

Thanks guys!

What are some examples of rules that some of you have in place for your open relationships?

 

[DeMan06]

Our rules:

Tell the other when we "hook up" we don't have to say who it was with or what we did, though sometimes the other may ask.

If you hook up then it's your responsibility to make sure the other is satisfied that day as well. (IE if I get a BJ on my way home it'd be pretty shitty of me to leave my bf horny, if he is horny, just because I already got off. So it's my responsibility to make sure he gets off one way or another if he wants to)

No sex with others in our bed. Either they host, parked car, or if you're home alone the couch or something; but our bed is only for us. If we ever get our guest room set-up that'll be free game

No changing our plans to accommodate a hook-up.

those are the main ones.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I was afraid of my insecurities and jealousy...

There is a huge difference between thinking about it hypothetically and KNOWING your boyfriend is off somewhere with another guy's cock up his ass.

Open relationships are harder than monogamous ones, and you shouldn't be in one unless you have the confidence and maturity to deal with the reality of your partner having sex with someone(s) else.

A lot of guys have this idea that it's hedonism 24/7, and it may look like that from a certain perspective, but underneath there has to be a rock solid commitment and understanding you have to maintain if you don't want it to implode on you.

...but I also know that the idea of cheating is essentially non-existent in an open relationship (well, unless it's emotional cheating)...

Cheating is still cheating, any violation of trust is cheating - emotional or not.

Rules.

1. First priority, if he's somewhere else, he comes if I call.

2. Power of veto, for any reason, for no reason.

3. No standing repeat customers without prior consent.

We got into this because he's living 2000 miles away for the near future and neither of us are jealous kids worried about the other guy needing to get off. But it's probably fair to say that I've also known him all of my adult life, we've dated before, broken up before, watched each other date other guys, watched each other go hog wild and just about every permutation thereof, and still ended up together in the end.

I know I can trust him, because no matter what, he's always come back to me. He knows where home is.

I don't know how long you've been together, but if you're just starting, you might want to get to know each other before you take that step.

It's so incredibly common to find guys who start wanting to "open," their relationship because they aren't getting something they need out of it.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I find it odd that if sex is no big deal why then pursue it with other people...

Sex is a big deal. Just ask your pecker. What isn't a big deal (and what guys who say this usually mean) is the need to heap Pelion upon Ossa, in terms of emotional baggage on a simple biological urge. Why make it more difficult, sure I like fucking my guy better than anyone else, but that doesn't mean no one else can give me pleasure.

This idea that sex must only be tied to one person and one love most pure, came out of Judeo-Christian sex-negative social control customs and the lyrical fancies of troubadour points in Medieval France.

Go back beyond that, and you find a very different picture, and that's just the western tradition.