Open Relationships

[elohim2010]

My significant other recently wanted an open relationship. We have been together for almost eight years. It is against my wishes, but I love him and didn't want to lose him. So for people who have been in open relationships or are currently in them, some questions.....

1. How often do you or your significant other "play" with others? (I know it varies from couple to couple and person to person, but I'm curious)

2. Do you have rules or boundaries? For example, no overnights, oral sex and masturbation only, etc. My significant other balks against rules/boundaries, "I'm being restricted." "I don't have freedom." "If this were an open relationship, I could do what I want." I just feel he doesn't respect me or the relationship.

3. How soon into the relationship did you open the relationship? And were there instances where one partner want an open relationship and the other did not? How did you navigate this? Did one partner stay monogamous?

4. I am bothered that my significant other always seems to be on his phone....Grindr, okCupid, etc. looking for the next hook-up. I'm bothered that he can't put the phone down and lay off of it even for just two hours to watch TV with me. His response, "I don't ask you what you do on your phone or computer." "Stop being noisy." "Why do you care what I do."

Help me out folks.

Thanks.

 

[darden]

the way you're talking about it, it seems like a recipe for disaster.

I've never been in an open relationship, but I hooked up with a guy who was in one a few years ago. we had a brief conversation about the rules that he and his partner had setup -- basically, it was only open for sex. he could hookup with a guy and even have a regular thing, but it was limited to a quick fuck-and-go. no hanging out, no cuddling, no grabbing a drink, etc.

in his case, he and his partner had extremely different work schedules and it was hard to find a lot of time together, so they opened their relationship to avoid sexual frustration. (the guy I hooked up with worked overnights... our hookups were on weekday mornings when I happened to be off. he'd come over after work, while I was taking my morning shower)

 

[sixthson]

You don't paint a picture of a very healthy relationship between you two. Not the least of which is you not wanting an opening relationship but willing to put up with anything to keep him. Ever heard of the word "doormat"?

 

[Seasoned]

If you have accurately described his tone it seems as though your relationship is over and has been for some time. My husband and I are monogamous, but one thing that I've learned from this forum is that there are open relationships that work. When those guys describe it they write that they love and respect their partners. From what you wrote your partner does neither.

It seems he wants to play or be looking at the expense of maintaining your relationship. I don't think this bodes well. Without guidelines or boundaries you'll soon just be roommate. You'll be pissed, hurt and angry; he'll be angry. I sense a lot of fighting or worse.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Open relationships rarely work. Take it from my experience of being on the receiving end of both sides. Over the years, I've watched friends' and acquaintances' relationships fall apart as they began to start having sex with other people. Perhaps the action itself is not always at fault, but rather it is the relationship itself that begins to die and fall into a natural devolution of "well, let's experiment with other guys and see how it goes."

Remember, the *only* thing you are gaining out of this is sex. Unless you're polyamorous and looking for love with multiple boyfriends, you are only getting sex in exchange for the risk to your relationship. Is that such a major priority for you and your boyfriend that you can't find enough satisfaction in each other?

I feel there are more problems here than what you are telling us. You mention that you and your partner have been together for 8 years, and that you're afraid of losing him if you deny him an open relationship. Furthermore, you say he's already constantly on hook up sites and applications looking for "the next hook-up." It sounds like your boyfriend has more of an interest in being single, particularly in his contempt for your concerns that he's spending too much time sexting boys and generally ignoring time spent with you. In my mind, the relationship is already over. What are you hanging on for? Rather than your boyfriend giving you ultimatums about opening the relationship, you need to put your foot down and tell him to choose between sex with strangers, or the life you've built together for 8 years. It's a simple decision.

By the way, are you satisfying your boyfriend? A lot of this could also be built up from years of sexual tension. Your boyfriend may feel like the only way he can regularly find sexual satisfaction is to seek it from someone else. What are you doing to show your life physically and emotionally to your partner after all these years?

 

[AstareGod]

4. I am bothered that my significant other always seems to be on his phone....Grindr, okCupid, etc. looking for the next hook-up. I'm bothered that he can't put the phone down and lay off of it even for just two hours to watch TV with me. His response, "I don't ask you what you do on your phone or computer." "Stop being noisy." "Why do you care what I do."

This screamed out at me. The above is a big reason my last relationship fell apart. My boyfriend attempted to hide his use of Adam4Adam, Grindr, Manhunt, and who knows what else? I'd ask him about it, and many times he would deny it, but I knew he was on them and sending messages to other guys. Our relationship wasn't open, either. It got to a point where I could not trust him anymore, but he and I stayed together due to circumstances for a few more months until time gave way.

I can't tell whether or not you two have already opened the relationship up yet, but if you haven't, for him to be checking out and talking to other guys on these hookup sites/apps seems like a big breach of trust to me. Is he actually looking to hook up, or does he just want other guys' attention? It's a hard question to answer, but it's something to think about.

If he's complaining about lack of freedom and feeling restricted, and open relationship is probably not going to help. He may be looking for any old excuse to start the process of breaking up, using the desire for an open relationship to get the process going. If I were you, and if I am uncomfortable with the prospect of an open relationship, I would not let my boyfriend threatening to break up with me convince me to go along with it. He should respect your feelings and emotions and not force the issue if he really cares.

The only reason I would stay in a relationship is if all parties involved are happy. If one (or both) of you become dissatisfied with the situation, and you don't see any way to change (or simply think it's not worth it to change), that's a good enough reason for me to declare the journey over and move on.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I agree with the others...

I think from how it sounds he's well on his way to replacing you, once he's found someone ... and to make matters worse you'll have a bedside seat to the two timing bastard. He doesn't sound to me like he's that into you.

 

[bankside]

I would suggest a lot of things to my guy that we've never done before as long as I knew the answer to the question "how is this supposed to turn him on?"

If I didn't have an answer for that question, I would never even bring it up. If he said it made him uncomfortable, I'd be embarrassed about reading him wrong. I wouldn't tell him to mind his own business and stop being so nosey.

I think you deserve better. From him, or from basically anyone else.

 

[dragon08]

Ok i don't think that the relationship is working out for you guys. He has no business being that rude to you on a regular basis. You are his boyfriend and you have a right to know who the hell he is talking to. I'm sorry but you need to end it. You are just going to get more hurt.

If he is feeling restricted then he is obviously not ready for a relationship with someone. I understand that some people can have open relationships that work. But I am not one of those people. From the sound of it I would say that you aren't either. You guys aren't really compatible and the relationship just doesn't seem like it works anymore. I think you should just end it for your own sake and give that guy the freedom he wants. You should just go out and find the love you need.

 

[dereperez]

Like others have said, open relationships can be excuses and stepping stones toward breaking up. And if not break-up, recipe for cheating. It seems that you already let him know how you feel but he is not respecting you at all. I would get out of this one-way relationship right away. It's not healthy and can only lead to more pain, anger, and frustration.

 

[umjreon88]

Agreed with everyone, the truth is that open relationships only work if both are into each other but they also love to be with others.

For me that'll be the dealbreaker, I would rather get hurt sooner and recover than find out what a two-timing, irresponsible jerk he is!

So choose wisely! The relationship has indeed fizzled out.

 

[tangential]

Open relationships can also be stepping stones towards deeper trust and commitment, the catch being in an open relationship--or a monogamisch one--the trust comes from more of an active place than from the passive, implicit assumption (and security) that you are sexually exclusive. If my partner spends an hour of his downtime getting his rocks off, but in no way leaves me hanging emotionally or sexually, I celebrate the fact. He's a fucking stud. And so am I. But it takes mutual interest and mutual compromise to get yourself to that place. You have to both want to be in that scary place, that point where you accept you don't control him and he doesn't control you. Don't do it for him. Do it for you and him, and if only you feel on board. It also takes a lot of talking: boundaries, expectations, and a level of transparency you are both okay with. Be careful not to set one another up for failure. Work to find a balance between knowing details and respecting each other's personal space. Bottom line: many open relationships work, and indeed it's all the ones that work that you never really hear about, but there's no magic formula. You both have to be willing to put one another first and to work on each other's behalf; maybe that means accepting your partner would like some sexual diversity and that this is no reflection on you, just as that would also mean he commits to being transparent with his agenda and respecting the times you're not okay with him cruising or going out on a sex date. And vice versa. However you guys work it out, focus on doing right for the both of you. And sure. Maybe that means recognizing yours has run its course.

Good luck!

 

[Sirramm]

My ex-wife and I had an open relationship/marriage...regardless of sexual preference I think the rules are the same so here are my two cents worth...

1. How often do you or your significant other "play" with others? (I know it varies from couple to couple and person to person, but I'm curious)

We had a common ground rule of no more than once or twice a month. We only 'entertained' something more often IF we BOTH agreed to it. Trust me you'll come across someone or a couple you want to explore within a few days of an encounter and I say go for it!

2. Do you have rules or boundaries? For example, no overnights, oral sex and masturbation only, etc. My significant other balks against rules/boundaries, "I'm being restricted." "I don't have freedom." "If this were an open relationship, I could do what I want." I just feel he doesn't respect me or the relationship.

You've GOTTA have some ground rules and UNDERSTANDING or all hell is going to break loose!!! In an OPEN relationship that ALSO means OPEN COMMUNICATION!

3. How soon into the relationship did you open the relationship? And were there instances where one partner want an open relationship and the other did not? How did you navigate this? Did one partner stay monogamous?

For me my ex-wife and I one night shortly after getting married, we dated for 7 years prior, talked about as a result of a couple that we had known for years becoming 'interesting'. He wanted my wife, I wanted him and his wife, and she wanted him so it all just sort of fell together!


4. I am bothered that my significant other always seems to be on his phone....Grindr, okCupid, etc. looking for the next hook-up. I'm bothered that he can't put the phone down and lay off of it even for just two hours to watch TV with me. His response, "I don't ask you what you do on your phone or computer." "Stop being noisy." "Why do you care what I do."

Again! For this to work...should you want it...you MUST come to terms about ground rules/boundaries or it won't work and you may as well start running your own ad looking for what YOU want!

Help me out folks.

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

 

[chrisdobro]

Me and my partner have been together 15 years. We opened our relationship about ... 4-5 years ago.

1. My partner plays about 1-2 times a week. I play about 1 time a week. Some weeks it is 1, some weeks it is 2, some weeks it is 0. Sometimes we would like to play more but it does not happen due to the flakiness of people, other plans, etc.

2. Definitely. No overnights. Safe only. I am allowed to play with guys under 40 only who are preferably in shape. That was imposed by my partner as main of my reason for open relationship was to play with guys my own age. My partner is older. My own self-imposed rule is no anal first time I meet a guy. That is for my own safety and safety of my partner as well. I have broken that rule once (in general I would consider breaking it when I feel really comfortable and safe enough). My partner has the power of vetoing any one or any play if he so chooses. So do I for him. We rarely use it now as we know our limits and boundaries. Some rules may be broken. i.e. I've had overnights with a guy at a hotel room. I knew the guy. We never had sex though but we definitely horsed around Exact arrangements depend on specific person, his specific relation and history to me, and my location at the time and location or my partner at the time. From what I have read, it is MOST DEFINITELY good to have restrictions and boundaries where you BOTH agree on them. Some other rules have been broken too, with trust, and care. Sometimes I got the heat for it, and sometimes the exception were approved by my partner. You must have trust. If you do not have that, then just break up. You both will have all the freedom you want then. The point of a relationship is that you do have boundaries and give up some of your freedom. Open relationship takes this to extremes and you have to be quite disciplined so not to get off the chain. With no trust, relationship is subject to slow bad decay, arguments, jealousy and general badness. Have a trial period (with strict boundaries). Your partner can have his freedom later, when he earns it

3. I think it was say .. 10-11 years? Yes. At first, relationship was opened up for me only and I had a 2 month trial period, after which the relationship was closed again. That is also when I didn't know what and how to be careful and I got a yeast infection, a cold sore and some other flack. Now I do not get those anymore. Maybe I built immunity or maybe I am being safer, or it may be my choice of people as well, but those things you may and will get even if you are super cautious. Just be ready to get some as well. Later, actually this year, my partner got scabies! Scabies, how archaic!! of an STD, ha... Good thing they are all curable. The number one thing to watch out for is HIV. Do not ever joke with that. Always be safe. Due to some specific kink and fetish I enjoy I got preventative shots for Hepatitis A and B. If you plan to engage into rimming or more, it may do well to get those as well.

Back on topic. After the initial trial period, my relationship was closed again. Due to things not working out sexually between me and my partner (I do not think we are sexually compatible really), we opened it up again for don't remember how long. Also, open for me only. Then we closed it again. We tried to rekindle our own fire but then, finally, about 2 years after I think we just figured that we might as well keep it open. And so it was. Also, it was still open for me only. My partner was at first "threatening" that he will open it on his side, I think it was if I was not satisfying him, he would open it. And eventually he did open it for himself as well. We have had it open on both sides for now about 1 year I think, maybe more. So yeah during those beginning times, my partner did not want an open relationship. Trial periods helped him keep this control. Until it became obvious that we needed to do something.

Even now I have an understanding that if I break rules badly, i.e. ignore our boundaries in a disrespectful and disregarding way, then I will lose my privileges of being open. If that ever comes, it will be negotiated as to what exactly happens, but at this time, there is no need. It is in my interests to stay within the boundaries. The boundaries I have are very VERY open, and I respect that and respect a lot what I have with my partner

4. So I do not know your situation. But, knowing what I know, it looks like your partner needs a sexual outlet, something he wasn't getting in the relationship (which is not your fault!!! or anyone's fault for that matter) and now with the new-found freedom, he is "off the chain!". He is like a puppy thrown in a new flower bed and he MUST explore it NOW and FAST.

In my case my partner is older. I longed for and desired someone my age. In particular, I could not get over my first love who lived in another country. I was eventually allowed to experience my desires. during my trial period I played with 8 people. Later I also did get to play with my first love. Both of which finally cooled me down from the "off the chain new puppy" syndrome. It took time though. When we first opened up our relationship for 2 months only, I had a deadline. I had to use my time and that time I was hitting up the bars, the Internet and websites really really hard. It was all I did. I had a deadline. Any slow-down would hinder my chances to use my freedom. In those first two months, after some time I lost my path. I began looking for Quantity instead of Quality. That did not give me much good (i.e. STDs for one). After some time eventually I figured that I much better look for Quality. I pass on guys now a lot more where before I would jump on anyone who would bite back who is barely passing decent. That said, I still sometimes jump on something these days but not nearly with same urgency and desperation as before. Still I have some days where I am really horny and my partner just not available sexually to me. So I spend an entire day on hookup sites and stuff. And other days I am more grounded and spend only some time on those sites or not at all.


So final words, without being able to talk to you in real time .. are:

About being nosy: You need boundaries!!! In my relationship, we openly discuss who each of us hooks up with. My partner even helps me out and on an occasion he books the dates for me (more so he books the dates for himself, but is more than willing to share with me, and sometimes has me in mind when he books the dates). You need to know your expectations. I know some open relationships rather not know who hooks up with whom. In ours we do know, or when we don't, that information is available upon request. Sometime we choose not to know, which is fine.

Some courtesy work will do good, i.e. planning to watch TV for 2 hours beforehand is better than say approaching him when he is busy Grinding and suddenly requesting his time without prior plans, when he could be in a process of hooking up.

If you have other questions I'll be happy to keep talking.