OPINION NEEDED: Loneliness and Friends

[bluesong]

Re: SURVEY: Friends and Straight World. !!~FREE HAT~!!

You know what, I've never posted on here before, but for some reason I feel like talking.

I think you'll find every situation is different for every person. I know that's a cop-out of an answer, because you can say that about everything. It is true though. I find that I really enjoy my relationships with my straight male friends as an out gay male. I don't have many gay friends...any gay friends, because most of the gay men around here are so obsessed with being gay that they forget to be friends. Does that make sense? I don't believe you necessarily have to sacrifice anything, and you'll only end up sounding like a wanna-be martyr if you focus on the sacrifice. Every decision in life comes with a cost, not just the decision to be out or in. You hold the pocketbook and know how much you can spend.

If you believe that you won't be able to enjoy, as you put it, "the straight world" after coming out, then you are buying into the stereotype that a gay man operates under a specific code, (e.g. Gay men don't get drunk and high at the same time, nor do EVER laugh at idiotic jokes). I don't mean to make light of your comments, but I hope by reading it in that context you can see that you don't have to play into the identity that Culture has created.

Again, I say all of this from my point of view as just another traveler. I personally am content with a small group of close friends, and I have kept those intact regardless of my sexuality. I hope that all makes sense; this being my first post I tried REALLY hard to make a good impression. ;-) Good luck.

 

[puka-pride]

LOL

umm once u come out your social life doesn't change THAT much.. unless the people u hang with now are dicks

 

[pixie77]

well said blue song

 

[dsh122]

I have great gay friends, str8 friends, married friends, single friends.

My very best friend is a str8 guy. We talk nearly every day, and have a fantastic time when we are together.

I have fun doing the things I have always enjoyed in or out of the closet.

Your fundamental sense of self will not be diminished, only improved by being out and happy with your life.

Being out has improved my relationships with my friends and family.

The only thing you have to lose by not coming out is yourself.

 

[gideon]

Re: SURVEY: Friends and Straight World. !!~FREE HAT~!!

Personally I am a very straight acting guy and have never had a lot of gay friends. I do not know if this is good or bad it just is. I do have a lot of straight guy friends that accept me for who I am and I find that more vaulable. You never have to worry about them even though they should worry about you, if even in only your dreams. The bad thing about this is that it tends to lead to a life of lonliness and solitude. On the bright side it also breeds strength and self reliance. So whats the right answer? Gay friends straight friends women friends? Or is it more simple than that.......just friends with out labels that love and care for you? It is an interesting question.....

 

[Boogerqueesha]

What bothers me is that you think idiotic jokes and blitzed driving is a straights-only thing. Reckless endangerment crosses all bounds, including sexual orientation, you know. The only 'straight guy' thing that isn't gay, too, is shagging a girl.

 

[timnmostud]

I have never looked at being gay as sacrificing anything. There are people in any walk of life that would say they have sacrificed and made comprimises for one reason or the other. Straight people do it all the time for their children!

As far as friends go, that is up to you. I have friends that are gay and straight, male and female. Some are younger and some are older even. LOTS of them in fact. And I mean very good friends. I am very lucky that way. But, I work at those relationships, too. Almost all of them I have had some crazy stupid times with! I even hang with straight male friends a lot that all know I am gay. They have no probelem with that. You just have to be open to who is worthy of your friendship. I don't hang out with macho pretentious rednecks or anything, becaue I wouldn't like those people to begin with. Just open up and let things happen.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>First of all, how many of you have gay friends?

Lots of my co-workers are gay. I don't know if I'd call them all "friends", but I do hang out with them now and then.

>>>Secondly - after coming out, do any of use miss the 'straight world'?

I never left the straight world. I go to parties, concerts, sporting events with straight singles and straight couples and gay singles and gay couples. Nothing's changed. Except if I bring my "other half" with me, it's a guy.

Lex

 

[biguy69]

I have very few gay friends in the scheme of things, probably no more than 5% of my group.
I didn't renounce my life, buy a flat in Soho, dye my hair pink and start going to gay bars every night.

I have gay friends, but my two best friends, one guy and one girl are both straight. I still get pissed with them, do stupid things etc. I don't live in the gay world, not many gay guys do, it's just that's the most obvious stereotype because it's the most visible. Most of my gay friends are "normal guys" just like the rest of my friends, they're not all raving queens who sleep with anything that moves.

Things don't change unless you want them to.

 

[luminum]

I'm so surprised by what you think being gay is all about.

I'm gay and I have tons of close straight male friends, and the close ones are the ones who'd support me no matter what. I have a few close gay friends and a few close female friends, too.

I still get drunk with all the friends who like to drink and party, though I've never doen drugs. I've done my share of crazy shit while I was out as a gay guy. I raced people on the highway, steered in time to music blasting out of my car and did all that crazy, random shit that people seem to attribute to 'straight' tom foolery.

Sometimes, that was with girls who were wild and nucking futz and with my male best friend, but in college (where I made most of my straight male friends) I also did all that crazy shit anyway. And I've never stopped telling stupid, dirty, lame jokes.

The point is, you don't have a clear understanding of what it means ot be out. When you're out, you don't suddenly get relegated to hang out only with girls. You keep the friends you have, assuming they're not assholes and you keep going like you did before, only now you're self-assured and open about your sexuality. When your guy friends talk about some chick with a hot ass, you can also talk about how hot one of those shirtless guys jogging in running shorts around campus was, and if they're friends, it'll never be a problem.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Juno (and bluesong and balzikengz),

Mate, being gay doesn't change your life... unless you want it to. Being gay has no bigger affect than the footy team you barrack for or the car you drive... unless you want it to.

Yes - there are challenges, but then again there are challenges in all aspects of our lives... and like those challenges if we throw our hands up and let them beat us then we only have ourselves to blame.

The hardest thing to shake - even for some gay men, younger and closeted ones especially is the stereotype. And mate, most of us don't even come close.

All of my closest friends, colleagues, clients and mates are straight - male and female. In fact apart from some amazing guys and gals that I've meet in the last few years everyone in my life has been str8. I don't actually believe that there are 2 lives or 2 choices.... unless you want there to be. The company and companionship I feel with my gay mates is different but no better or worse than that I have with my str8 ones...its just different. Having said that not one of them fits the stereotype either!

Even if you go to a gay bar or night club...it doesn't meant there are 2 worlds. Even if you go to a pride parade it doesn't meant there are 2 worlds. Unless you want there to be.

Being gay is just another facet of your life, another piece in your puzzle. you can let it define you and rule your life - or you can let it be a part of you. It doesn't make you swing a handbag as you walk, nor does it stop you eating pizzas and getting rolling drunk with your mates and hanging shit on each other.

You don't have to hide it - nor do you have to wear it like a badge. Be proud of yourself, your life, your achievements. Live your life embracing whatever it may bring and don't worry about what box you or anyone else fits in. Stop looking for reasons to feel different - because there are none that make sense.

Live your life whatever way you need to to make you happy. Go and have all the masculine fun you need... and when you are just remember than anyone of the guys standing by the bar or along side you at the footy could be gay... and living their lives to the full just like you!

 

[BiGuy8705]

All of the friends I hang out with are straight with the exception of one, that I'd known since we were like 3 and he just happens to be gay. I have a few distant gay friends that I only see randomly sometimes.. but for the most part we all just do what you decribed as what straight dudes so lol

 

[loppyears]

Most of my friends are straight or either girls, but my best friend is indeed gay. We talk everything, hang out, have a laugh, go shopping but never once have I thought about him in that way. Even though we have a good time hanging out, he's just not the type of guy i'm looking for in a relationship. I'm sure he feels the same way as well which is far better than being bf's/fuck buddies/whatever.

I don't really get the whole straight world comment. People will only treat you differently if you act differently, unless their total morons.

 

[RobertE]

Being gay is no different than being straight except for the sex. I have lots of gay male friends who are always there when I need them. You have the same kind of fun, make the same jokes, talk about the same things. Give it time...you will see.

 

[luminum]

I only have a straight best friend because he happens to be straight, not because gay guys suck as best friends. My best friend has a gay best friend because I happened to turn out to be gay, not because straight guys are bad best friends either.

 

[drhladnjak]

Well, I'll dissent a little bit here. Pretty much all of my friends in Seattle are gay men. When I moved here, I was already out. It's a notoriously difficult city to meet new people in, so I joined a lot of groups doing things I was interested in. Mainly, these were LGBT groups for sports like running, swimming and hiking. I suppose I could have joined similar groups not based on sexuality, but being new to town I wanted to meet some gay people too. From people I met in those groups, I met others. And from those I met still others until at some point I had a circle of regular gay friends (not people I sleep with--we are truly just friends).

Before I lived here, most of my friends were straight. Even when I lived in North Carolina, I had decent sized contingents of straight and gay friends. However, there I was in school which provided an easy way of meeting straight people every day that I had something in common with (we were studying the same subjects). Also, when I first moved there I was still in the closet. Although even then I knew some gay people through my roommate who was gay, I was mainly making friends with straight people because that's who I was exposed to.

So long as your friends are cool, you're unlikely to lose them when you come out. However, you'll probably find yourself making more gay friends than before, which in turn means fewer of your friends as a percentage will be straight. All things equal, I find it easier to make friends with other gay men because we already have something in common.